Name: Tickle Me Emo | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #207
Uploaded: 2019-06-18T06:19:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tickle Me Emo | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #207' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tickle Me Emo | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #207' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-18. Transcript available.

Tickle Me Emo | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #207

where is football where is football season because this is what from i need it
i need it
i need it i need football soon as basketball ends i need football like i would
watch
i would watch uh i would watch football players play football with a basketball
right now
i would watch them play it with a basketball just even for a couple months
until we can get
a regular ball on the field that's there should be a sport in the in between
them where they have
football players playing football with a uh with the basketball so well i
should have never opened
my mouth today let's go
i'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could i be so far from my
home
and my mind is somewhere else but when i find it i'll patch up where it's been
now i'm just falling on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i
must be
cornerstone
oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can
feel it
in my bones
in my bones baby
but it's gonna take
come in here
a little time
for me to set that parking brake
and let myself all mine
shine that light on me
i'll sit and tell you my stories
shine on me
come on let it out
and i will
find a song
i will sing it
just
for you
ah
you know
we
we've heard that song so much
and sometimes in the beginning honest i love the song
and sometimes in the beginning i hate it
but then when it gets to that part it just
when it gets that
shy
it just
it kind of just squeezes the fun out of me
it forces
it forces the fun
right out of me
and i
you know i am
i am somebody that has to have the fun
forced out of them
i didn't
i didn't even like it when people would tickle me
because tickling
let's say that's just
i mean that's
body wizardry
somebody gonna just
and you just
and then you just laugh uncontrollably
sheer just somebody just
just
just playing your joy
just playing the
the
the
the joyous
those joyous elements
somebody just wiggling your little joy segments inside of you
and you
remember when you get tickled by it
when getting tickled was crazy
before you started doing sex or
or you know self-pleasure
or self-touch
tickling
that was like
it really kind of was the closest thing
if somebody tickled you
it was like the closest
and you didn't know it yet
because you were young
but you know
if i look back through my feelings
you know
if you really go back
it's
that tickling
sneezing is one
where you get like a
you know
where your body just has that rudimentary expulsion of just
joy
and then full on
later on in life
full on
you know
uh
ejaculation
or
human
body
you know
that full body
coom
you feel me
but
yeah
remember that
when somebody would tickle you
you couldn't control it
it's like somebody just hooked some jumper cables off of a damn
uh
buick just right up to your rib meat
and just shook you
that was always in
and i
if i was in a bad mood
sometimes i remember my dad would tickle me
and he wasn't
my daddy only had nine fingers
so something happened to one of his fingers
and
and then
he had nine of them
and uh
because you don't need
you don't need ten fingers
let's be honest about that
let's be honest
like all of us right now
we have
you know
most people have ten
and shout out to everybody with less
you know
um
but
you don't need ten fingers
bro
look at this
the one next to the pinky
you ain't doing nothing with that bad boy
people
a lot of people aren't even getting married anymore
you could give that one
you know
that could be a
donate that to somebody
they make a little wiener for them
you know
if somebody
in a lot of countries
if somebody doesn't have a wiener
they will use somebody else's finger
and make that
and make that wiener
that's why sometimes
in like
like third world countries
you come out of a coma or something
and you got a new wiener on
and it'll have a damn
a marriage band on it
and you're like
well what
at least take the
take the jewelry off
before you put on my new
my new low body digit
but my dad only had nine on him
he was running on nine
and he would tickle me
and I
and
and it was only when I was feeling bad
he would tickle me
and he wanted to make me feel better
you know
and if you're a senior citizen
it's hard to make a little baby
feel that good
and you almost really have to tickle him
but
but my dad would tickle me
and he only had nine
and he'd always be like
I can't tickle you that good
I only got nine fingers
and he would tickle me
and
but I've always been that person
you got to force the fun out of me
a lot of times
you know
there's something inside of me sometimes
where it's like
I don't want to have that much fun
like I want to
but I don't want to admit it
you know
it's like
if I see somebody
really feeling joy
or dance
and I get
I just have this anxiety
this insecurity
this
I almost
you know
sometimes I'd almost rather
just stay on the side
and be
you know
judge the situation
because if I can judge something
it keeps me out of it
you know
if I can judge something
it really
it keeps me
it keeps me out of it
like I hate to
like admit that I like certain things
because I don't want to be in a
I just want to be by myself
sometimes inside
I'll do things
you know
I'll go places
and spend time with people
but sometimes
there's a part of me
inside of me
that wants to just be
that just wants to be
by itself
and so
then that's the
you gotta squeeze
the fun out of that
part of me
I'm like that tube
of toothpaste
and that thing is
you gotta
you gotta roll
the fun
out of me
and then finally
I hate to admit
that I'm having fun
sometimes
there's just
I just
you know
I am having fun
but oh man
I'd be danged
if I'm gonna admit it
because if I admit
that I'm having a good time
then that means
that you
that we're both
having a good time
and it just
makes me feel
and if we're both
having a good time
then
let me think about this
if you know
that I'm having a good time
then I guess
part of me
feels like
maybe you're gonna
take advantage
of me
in some way
not like
sexually
or nothing
but
if you know
that I'm having fun
or if I let you know
I'm having fun
or that I'm experiencing joy
then you're gonna see
a part of me
that I don't want you to see
like if I let you
see me having fun
then it
then somehow
that makes me
it's like a weakness
or something
it's almost like
you caught me
without my shield
and without my sword
and then
and if that's the case
if I don't have those things
then you might just even be
you might be able to reach me
you know
you might be able to reach me
if I don't have up my
my judgment
in my
in my
you know my face
that's kind of like
ah
yeah they're having fun
but I'm okay right here
man I just wish sometimes
that
that the inside of me
could just
behave the way
that it's always wanted to
you know
but instead
a lot of times in my life
I've been like that
don't tickle me
don't tickle me
and people are like
well why
and the truth
why
because I'm gonna feel good
that's why
and somewhere inside of me
I'm so used to
not feeling good
that I'm afraid
to even go there
I don't know
I've just been thinking
a lot about
I didn't mean to divulge
and all this kind of stuff
but I've just
you know I've been thinking
a lot
I was talking a couple weeks ago
and a lot of people
were responding
or you know
where we were all talking
a couple weeks ago
about
like relying on others
you know
I don't like to rely
on other people
you know for me
that makes me feel weak
if I rely on others
you know
if I rely on somebody
if I let somebody know
that I'm dependent on them
then man
it just feels like
a scary place to be
because if I'm dependent
on somebody
man
it just feels
man it feels too heavy
it feels too heavy
for me to do that
if I'm not dependent
on somebody
then no matter what happens
it's all
it's you know
then I
you know
I don't know
I can't explain
exactly what I'm trying
to say
but
but
but
but I'll keep
trying to think about it
and ruminate on it
on my side
on the side
when I'm on the sidelines
I just got home though
and I'm happy to be home
and it's nice
we got some new paint
in the studio
so we got some nice
baby kind of a
like a baby blue
paint in here
and a strong baby blue
not one of these
you know
these weak ass babies
you see some babies
they don't even
you know
they gotta crawl
I saw a baby
a couple months ago
he was crawling
he had training wheels
coming out of it
you know
on the outside of his knees
dude what the hell
your baby can't even
crawl over there
I grew up crawling
in Louisiana
bro
chasing shrimp
in the yard
bro
we grew up really
really in a rural area
they had ground shrimp
you'll see a ground shrimp
a little family
of ground shrimp
headed
they got on bathing suits
they headed to the beach
they'd never even been
in the water
you see a group of them
daddy got a big
you know
thing on his back
of luggage
but yeah
you know
they got a lot of
weak ass babies too
you see a baby
out here
they got a
I saw a baby
the other day
they gave a baby
this baby
had a
had a rattle
that
it was like
it had
what was that
on it
it
fuck
I can't even think of it
man
fucking that baby
whatever man
but yeah
my dad used to tickle me
when I was young
and it was fun
and it was a way
you know
you just had to force it out
of me
you had to force me
to have fun
you had to squeeze
I was that
you had to squeeze
you really had to push me
to get the fun out of me
and I wanted to have fun
but I just couldn't
I just was afraid
I was just afraid
to really just have fun
I just really was afraid of that
I'm gonna just go back from Canada
and you know Canada
and I want to say congratulations
to the NBA champion
oh dang it
I'm about to call the damn police
on myself
but
Toronto Raptors
the Toronto Raptors
they won
did you see that
and I loved it
you know
I love it when an underdog wins
I don't care who it is
you know
I love it when an underdog
if a one-legged guy
wins a damn raffle
I'll stand up
and fucking cry bro
because you know me
I'll sit down
I'll sit down
and cry all day
hell you've seen the podcast
but
but if
if a one-legged guy
wins a raffle
I will stand up
and cry
you know
I just love an underdog
I love an underdog
if somebody's digging a hole
in their yard
to do flowers
and they find somebody
that's been under there
for two
you know
two months
or whatever
barely breathing
you know
through to
you know
somebody's still alive
I fucking
I love it
like damn
that guy
nobody
first of all
nobody knew he was there
second of all
he's still alive
that's beautiful
I love an underdog
and the Toronto Raptors
were the underdog
people could say
they're not
they're not this
I don't like these mega teams
the NBA got these mega teams
and the four or five stars
getting together
I go for the underdog
I'm that
Jimmy Chitwood
I like that movie
Hoosiers
you know
I like the underdog
you know
if they got a
a swan
a contest
for swans
I fucking put
four dollars
on the bat
I put four dollars
on a vampire bat
in a swan contest
say
yeah
you get out
put a little bit of lipstick
on that vampire bat
and you get out
there
and you give them
bad bird bitches
hell
cause that's
that's just
that's
it's just in me
I love
I love the underdog
and the Toronto Raptors
are it
and I feel like
we should all feel
inspired by them
you know
just cause nobody
expected them to win
and people could say
yeah well Golden State
was missing certain players
and stuff
that's fine
Golden State is an
all star team
they have five
all stars
and I just loved it
man
I loved seeing them
and also it's nice
to see
Canada win the NBA
championship
this isn't even
their sport
that's like us
going up to Canada
with a couple of
you know
a couple Rottweilers
and winning
a damn
Iditarod
you got those
regular Iditarod
them dire wolves
out there
and that's like us
coming up there
with a couple of
Rottweilers
and big Lonnie
you know
fat Lonnie
who's always running
you know
breeding these dogs
illegally
and getting them
out there
you got all the
Rottweilers
they're wearing
Patagonia coats
and they
imagine they go up
to Canada
or Alaska
and they win it
that's what that's like
winning something
off your beaten path
winning