Name: Family Matters | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #209
Uploaded: 2019-06-24T13:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Family Matters | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #209' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Family Matters | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #209' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-24. Transcript available.

Family Matters | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #209

hello hey ma hi son i'm just taking a walk oh yes it's a little under 100 now
but later this
week it's gonna be 107 so i figure i better get my walks in you might melt mom
i'm not gonna do
it when it's 107 i mean really you're only you'd either have to do it after it
were dark oh yeah
that's dangerous too because they have a lot of snakes out there or really
early in the morning
like 5 30 i don't know usually well that's snakes i have to eat something right
away so and that's
snakes too mom yeah yeah well no the um what is that insect that i found in the
house they sprayed
for it once for me something uh it's not a tarantula but jesus something that i
have in the desert it
can to a lot of people it's poisonous so i found them like a total of i think
four of them in the house
well you're gonna end up on one of those special shows where people get it's
like for kind of for
seniors that get attacked by snakes you know yeah i guess or something
something will get you right
yeah well look at least if you go into the belly of a warm snake at least you
got a nice place to be
you know yeah you have to be pretty much of a monster but they do exist i know
you've seen some
big ones sometimes on your walk haven't you yeah remember back in the day yeah
trying to think i think
you it was during the time that you stayed there for a short time when we lived
on fairway grows
oh yeah i saw a gargantuan snake that was the only time i've ever seen one that
big so what do you
think that's gonna not kill rosanne but it won't help her huh well i just i don't
know what did you
think whenever you heard about it i just thought well i wanted your opinion and
then when i got your
opinion i thought well maybe that will hem her in as uh just being a comedian
of controversy
because that guy's controversial i guess yeah and uh you know when really i
mean witness her old show
she's a good all-around comedian yeah yeah i agree i think it kind of like it
kind of
i don't know part of me i would love to have gone on a tour with her you what i
said i would have
loved to go on a tour with her honestly if i'm really honest with myself yeah
no i know it's one
of those probably timing things yeah what i read didn't say when they you know
when he initially
pitched it i assume he pitched it to her but i don't even know that yeah well i
think you know i
think um you know i think she probably thinks that people don't like her more
than is the reality i
think uh probably i think a lot of people still really do like her but also i
think her and dice
have a real comfortable connection they've been friends for a long time um she
like came she like
jumped up on stage at one of his shows a couple of months ago and had in vegas
huh yeah and had like a
comfortable response and they used to do shows together in vegas um you know so
i think some
of it might just be a comfort thing too like if i'm going to go tour with
somebody who would it be
um yeah but i think it's a good move for him he like a tat you know i think
that
i i feel like a lot more people would come out to see her these days but
right who might not come out to see him i know what he looks like but i'm not i
know what i read said
he'd been banned from something i don't know what it was television oh yeah but
i don't really know
anything about it said he still does stand up on his own yeah well i see him at
the comedy store
sometimes so oh really yeah is he any good yeah i mean i think he's a you know
desired taste i mean
he's still you know he's a comedian he's not really he's never been really like
nice to me whenever i've
seen him so i may have a i may have sometimes an unfair impression of like what
i how i look at his
comedy exactly but to me some of it's it's not really my favorite like if
somebody asked me who's
one of your favorites i wouldn't you know i would not even i wouldn't even
think of him right so i
guess they hooked up because of what you say long-term friendship and also
because they can both be
controversial well he is all the time i guess yeah now it could be a huge tour
though a lot of people
were like you know what i'm gonna go out and see yeah see just see him you know
just see him say
whatever you know people yeah the last like hurrah for people saying whatever
they want to say you know
i guess she's not finished it unless no i don't think she is either that's i
think she thinks she is more than
she is well maybe when it's all done you'll still get a chance but they're
doing something more benign
even if you do the little the little family in the van you know yeah i talked
to her manager a couple
times i'm still trying to figure it out so but uh but yeah then yeah that's a
good point so
all right ma for the twitter are you doing a podcast yeah i'm actually but just
about to tape
right now so yeah well thank you for calling yeah thanks for answering ma and i
hope your walk
goes well i'm getting hot love you all right love you too bye okay bye
well do you know what i was thinking was uh that tits are hard like a hard
like a chest is just like a man's chest is kind of like hard tits really
when you think about that like petrified almost tits like if you had
like if somebody buried a couple of you know beautiful just milky front knuckles
out in the yard and they got and they got real hard over time
and you dug them back up they'd be almost like a man's chest
so
i don't even know what that means man
she was hotter than the blacktop broke down out of trouble and i think that's
what i'm gonna do
and i think that's what i'm gonna do
i think that's what i'm gonna do
she was hotter than the blacktop broke down at a truck stop she looked about as
wild as the story she told
she was hotter than the blacktop broke down at a truck stop she looked about as
wild as the story she told
said she was a christian saving souls in savannah and the lovers sending her to
alamama
had a pistol little boots
blonde hair dark roots
said she got a hold man but i shouldn't be worried though it seemed like she
was in a hurry
i've been a junkie drying out in the slammer lord i hope i don't die in alabama
lord i hope i don't die in alabama
that heat
that's what's
look this is the time of year it is summertime
they call it
for here
now somewhere else somebody's dealing with winter
somebody in maybe moscow or somewhere
somebody's throwing a damn uh
not a crystal ball but a snowball at somebody
imagine that
yeah
if you imagined it then you just did and if you didn't then you just didn't
it's up to you
but yeah this is summer
and summer's here boy
and summer is
man
he's a dirty boy isn't he
i mean he is a dirty boy
he's hot
and he just is just relentless
he is relentless
and that is summer
that's like somebody if you give a uh
you know sometime you catch a boy in the neighborhood or something got a little
bit of um
autism you know
the tism they say it
and if you give him a little hammer
you know they had a boy in our area this boy named wild jacob
and he was always eating
you know he'd run around and pick berries and everything in the summer
and you know when the berry bushes really started to flourish you'd catch him
out there
with the blue you know the black dye on his hands picking berries
and uh and eating them
that's the problem
his mom gave him this little hat
and he's supposed to put the berries in there
but he would have just eat them immediately
and he'd get home and he
dude have you know 120 berries in his stomach
but uh
at one time his uncle i remember passed through town or something gave him a
little hammer
and i mean i swear to god
we thought we had a damn woodpecker in the neighborhood for probably four years
but um
but wild jacob would just get off in the woods
and he'd find him a little tree or something or a little
you know area of hardness
maybe a fence board or a um
piece of stone
or granite
and he would just hit it with that hammer
wild jacob be out there with just berry stains all over his face
just
just
just for hours and hours
just fucking probably sending morse code to who knows
i mean i'm sure over in
you know
in chernobyl or somewhere
or russia or you know
who knows outer space
they're thinking it's just some wild unique morse code is coming in
you know
you know they said there's some
you know stenographer at nasa just writing it all down
but meanwhile that's just freaking
barry jacob
old black barry jacob with his little hammer just
beating something
we thought we had
you know exotic birds
but that's how relentless summer is man
it's like giving a hammer to uh
like giving a hammer to a young fellow
with autism
and he's out there just
just chiseling away
i mean jacob would fucking
he'd chisel a damn uh
mount rushmore into the side of a school building
i mean he'd just piss everybody off
you know you'd come out of um
you know this was
you'd come out of the
out of school or
out of your house
and he would have
chiseled a damn
deon sanders into the side of a
a uh
a honda
like well what the fuck man
i mean he just had a real unique
style to him
but that's the thing you know
and that's how relentless
he just i mean he was banks
he didn't have nothing on this fella
banks he ain't shit
banks he's just some sneaky dude
in the middle of the night
with a marker
but i'm just saying
while jacob was out there all day
with a freaking one of them
little baby hammers son
just rearranging the world
but that's how summer is man
it is relentless beating
it is
and it's that time
you almost want to buy your mother
a damn ice hat
you know it's almost like you want
to drown somebody
but don't fully drown them
just hold them under cold water for
you know about 40 seconds
just to let them
catch a little bit of relief
from the heat
it's summertime
in the year 2019
and it is june 24
and uh thank you for joining us
also support for this past weekend
comes from manscaped
who is number one
in men's below the belt grooming
and look i'll tell you this
i shaved about probably
maybe a
maybe about a 40th of a pound
of hair off of my body
yesterday
so
i gave my whole body
a damn
a nice fade
and you sometimes
you have so much body hair
you can't even really
you try to hug somebody
and they bounce right off of you
i mean jeepers
manscaped offers
precision engineered tools
for your family jewels
no more chipping at your wacker
you feel me
i've uh
i remember one time
this is probably maybe
maybe a year ago
and i was using uh
scissors man
and i got
it makes me feel
crippled in my heart
to even talk about this
but i was using scissors
to clip
hair that was all
growing on my scrotum
and
and my scrotums
they uh
they don't want scissors by them
and it's funny
if you put a pair of scissors
near your scrotums
man
your nuts almost will climb up
inside of your body
because inside of your ball bag
there's actual balls in there
they're different entities
but what i'm saying is this
manscaped has redesigned
the electric trimmer
their lawn mower
2.0
has proprietary
skin safe technology
so this trimmer won't
nick or snag
your nuts
shout out to premature nick
our producer
manscaping accidents
are finally a thing of the past
you know your grandfather
used to chip his nuts
all the time
he was probably out there
like dang what's his name
like uh
like wild jacob
with that little hammer
trying to hammer the hair
off of his
off of his newt sock
and don't use the same trimmer
on your face
as you're using on your balls
that's nasty bucko
manscaped also has the
crop preserver
an anti-chafing ball deodorant
and moisturizer
you already put deodorant
on your armpits
why are you not putting
deodorant on the smelliest
part of your body
what are you talking
dude my wang
smells
joyable
I think
get 20% off free shipping
with the code
theo
at manscaped
dot com
always use the right tools
for the right job
and I will say
manscaped has
created that culinary set
to help you fine tune
the hair
around
your rod
and tribe
your balls
will thank you
get 20% off
free shipping
and a free travel bag
with the code
theo
at manscaped
dot 