Name: The Real Wolf of Wall Street Jordan Belfort | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #210
Uploaded: 2019-06-27T13:52:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Real Wolf of Wall Street Jordan Belfort | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #210' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Real Wolf of Wall Street Jordan Belfort | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #210' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-27. Transcript available.

The Real Wolf of Wall Street Jordan Belfort | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #210

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and get that front pocket carry today's guest is the author of the wolf of wall
street i guess that's an
autobiography um he is notorious i think is a good word to describe him he also
is the host of the wolf's
den podcast it is the wolf of wall street mr jordan bell fort
what's the largest or most like uh the largest woman you think you ever made
love to it's not even
how large it was oh and when i was high i made love to a 240 pound woman with
fucking beard probably
because when i'm on coke i'll fuck anything or eat anything and the uglier the
better but when i'm
normally sane okay um it's not even how fat they are it's the size of their
ankles oh really
if they have thick ankles i i couldn't get there's no viagra in the world that
could do the trick
now is it is it intimidation you think because like is it like my penis is like
the girth of kind
of my penis won't be able to compete with that no no it's not that it or should
i say that it might
be that like four levels down right but there's just something about the look
of it that i don't
know it just it just fucking scares me it's like i feel like i'm i don't know i'm
trying to sleep
with the abominable snowman i don't know what it is does it feel like an
impossible feat maybe
i don't know it just feels like they're just like uh it's like i'm like dude
sorry dude
yeah fucking with a guy or something and i'm not even saying i'm right about it
like no i'm not
saying you're right there's a guy down the road who loves that yeah it's just
it's just a personal
preference you know oh some guys get more into like yeah bigger girls you know
stuff because i like
thin i like the thin model type oh yeah um whatever it's all about you know i
guess back in the in
the 1800s used to like the heavier girls were more in focus i mean they were
fed better they were
better bred you know so for the rubenesque yeah i remember when i was young i'd
go to the library
and instead of uh this is before i got any good pornography you know are we on
the podcast yeah
because this is a pod yeah were we live yeah we're live oh this is dude this is
great this is
fucking fabulous this is the real us right oh yeah like i said i'm the fucking
hide i'm tired i'll
say anything i'm glad there's a shit we're missing i thought we were missing
all this stuff
because i think it's because you know listen hey i think the problem nowadays
is that
people are scared to be honest and that fucking drives me crazy yeah and and i'm
and i'm being
that's when i said that about girls with like i'm not saying i'm right i'm not
saying they're less
beautiful i'm saying to me yes everyone has their type that's my whatever
reason might have dropped
in my head as a kid or who knows what maybe i didn't couldn't get it up once
with a girl like
that and it deep wounded me forever or maybe i just don't like girls with fat
big ankles yeah but i
that's that's the defining feature for me oh it's interesting yeah you know it's
funny i don't know if i ever
thought about like do i have a like what is like a defining like you have a
driver do you have a do
not cross line for you with a girl or a guy i don't i don't judge man dude yeah
no i never been in i
never been in any kind of sex with a man or anything like that dude one time me
and this guy was doing
a little bit of coke but thankfully i had to go to the airport you know because
i thought things might
have got a little wild but i i listen i think i think if you're gay i think you
have a you haven't
made i think it's great because i like i i'm really social i'm liberal like
that but i just think it's
because i love yeah i love guys i get a little much better with guys i just don't
want to fuck
them yeah i wish it's like a gift if i did it would be just play around tennis
and let's go
fucking do it'd be amazing it'd be crazy but i just don't like that i would but
i know i think it's
awesome but oh yeah i think if guys i mean i've thought about that like what if
yeah you're you and
your buddy are like just you know playing a game of hoops and then you know
black mirror do you
watch black mirror on netflix i haven't seen i haven't seen the new season okay
it was just came
out right and there's an episode about these two guys two black dudes right
their best
friends and one guy gives his friend like a present for his birthday and it's
just like you know next
next next generation artificial reality where you put a little thing on your
head and you're actually
in the game and it's like a old one of these old karate games they used to play
when they were like you
know oh yeah yeah and then you know you know the kicking and punching right
except now you're actually
in the game and his best friend plays and it's the guy from who plays um um red
wing from iron man
from the from the avengers it's him he's one of the actors who plays uh robert
downey no no
morgan freeman no who plays the red wing the guy with the wings who flies
around oh uh black a great
actor amazing actor not don cheetle who plays um who uh denzel washington no no
no no it's name uh
fuck not swaggy p that he's not a basketball player is he no no no no it's a
guy who plays red wing
in um in the avengers not not the um oh i know who it is anthony mackie yeah
yeah he was in uh he was
in the movie about the plane crash with the football team so yeah so so um dude
he's in this with another
guy great another great actor in this in this blackberry episode and uh and
what happens is what
his friend plays in in the game he's a girl like a hot kung fu expert okay and
he's uh just a young
and they're young like in their 20s and he thinks that his friend gives him the
gift they think they
start fighting and they start fucking they start his friend just goes and kids
start fucking and
they fall in love inside the video game and with their men on the outside that
aren't in love and
on the inside they're man and women yes and then then the guy it starts to fuck
up as he's happily
married with a kid and starts fucking up his sex life because he falls in love
in the game with
this artificial girl so he he cuts it off and his friend is devastated his
whole fucking thing and
and he and then they you know whatever they separate because he can't deal with
it right
because his wife thinks he's having an affair yeah and and then finally he
separates out from the
whole thing and finally six months later they get back together and he has a
big fight with the guy
and his wife's like what's what's going on what's going on and he finally comes
clean with his wife
and then and then the black mirror thing ends with his wife going out on a date
with some other
guy in a bar and him but because agreed and he's having sex with like they have
a one week a month
they get to fucking have their little dalliance yeah be out and about there you
go did you uh
do do you think the ufc would be cool if after somebody beat somebody they had
to insert themselves
in i don't think so i not i think it would be pretty tough it was a forcible
insertion because
i think we call that rape but i think it was but it would be agreed upon they
enter the ring i think
it'll be i think it'll be a different type of sport you know you think you'd
have different types of
fighter you are a sick fuck by the way look i'm worried about you because you're
my god i wish i
would have thought of that myself i'm fucking envious right that's what i'm
saying you don't bring
you're taking shit up another level here you know you bring your sick fuck to a
sick fuck fight you
know what i'm saying dude you just put a gun to a fucking sword fight that one
bro motherfucker oh
bro if i'm talking to you i'm bringing a red penis to a butthole fight you feel
me yeah but do you
think my wife honey whatever it is now is off limits it's like i didn't really
mean it was another
fucking different guy acting keep going i don't do you um do you think that it
would be a different
type of sport what's the next level of sport that you think you see do you
start to hunger games i
think obviously do you well i think like in in society oh really in society
yeah good question
the next level up from ufc you know here's the thing on on some level i loved
the first ufc when there
was no rules no weight classes nothing barred except basically i think you do
almost anything
but gouge someone's eyes or tickle that or tickle right one or the other right
i don't know which
one is worse if you're ticklish but that would be that to me that was pretty
fucking cool but people
they were they were saying it was like combat gladiates that they made it
illegal so it was very
smart on the part of ufc to sort of sanitize the sport by putting weight
classes on certain rules
and guidelines to make it not a fucking free throw but i kind of liked the free
throw the problem was
was that it turned out that brazilian jiu-jitsu just trumped everything so the
guy so if you went
into the ring knowing brazilian jiu-jitsu you just fucking choke a guy out yeah
you know yeah so that
was the problem so they eventually had to have some differentiators but they
but also people skilled
up in other words it's what happened was people came in like i'm a great boxer
i'm a great like
taekwondo guy what didn't matter if you knew jiu-jitsu just fucking you
submission hold someone
right right but once but then you could not become maybe quite as good as the
next guy but good enough
to defend against it if you were great at boxing and these people get knocked
out with boxing so
that became you know that something was more than the weight classes that
changed that made it more
interesting was like sort of the idea that you could defend against jiu-jitsu
if you had a basic level
of proficiency you know right did you ever uh did you ever take any like uh
boxing or martial art
were you ever i did but not not so i did yeah i did as a kid but it wasn't
called that i wrestled in
college okay um i took some karate never got past like a yellow belt or
something it was my yeah but
i wrestled pretty seriously so okay did you whenever you went to prison did you
feel like
would do you when when you were going in there do you have a thought in your
head like shit i wish i
knew a little more self-defense just because that wasn't no because i what
happened was with the jail
prison sorry jail no it's both no no the jail is referred to like as a short-term
local local and
prisons like when you go off where i went was actually to prison right so where
you actually
go with federal and as long as it's right so i i was i was not away camp yeah
well it depends i was
lucky right and i went to a place that was had no violence or anything so it
depends on how many it's
a point system right i was a first-time offender with zero almost like as low
points as you can get
um so there was no chance i was going somewhere where there would be physical
violence and there
was never physical violence so and i knew and i knew that going in wow yeah so
you did you think
like what was your biggest l