Name: Relishing Independence | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #211
Uploaded: 2019-07-02T04:25:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Relishing Independence | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #211' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Relishing Independence | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #211' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-02. Transcript available.

Relishing Independence | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #211

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
Man, you know, it's...
Dude, can you believe snails exist?
Think about that.
Think about being a snail.
Slow as hell.
I mean, what's the most you travel probably in your whole life?
Not that far.
Think about that.
Hey, what if another snail sends you a letter or something like,
hey, you should come see us out in Nevada or something.
Dude.
It would take you seven generations of offspring to get,
for your family to get to Nevada if you're a damn snail.
How would you even snail?
That is one of Mother Nature's really limited time offers, I feel like.
But...
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pain.
All I've got demons exercised.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Oh, gee.
And that is Spencer Jacob Grau with Celebrate.
And a beautiful song.
And it is July 1 in the year 2019.
2019.
And we are in July 1.
And welcome to this past weekend.
And thanks for stopping by.
And it's Celebrate.
That's that song right there by Spencer Jacob Grau.
And...
And it's a great week to celebrate.
It's that week.
It's that baby.
It's that blown up baby.
That 4th of July.
And this is the time when shit gets really turnt out.
It's that Betsy Ross.
You know, 4th of July is a special time of year.
This is the time of year when you would see, you know...
You know, Alexander Graham would maybe...
You know, let a couple ladies come ring his bell.
You feel me?
This is when Betsy Ross would maybe show them...
Show them front heaters, boy.
Show them, you know...
You know, she would flash...
You know, she'd lift up that flag and flash those milk nodules at the neighbors.
It is the 4th of July.
It's when you get as American as you American want to.
And you get to do what you do, you know?
Maybe put a little...
Put a special sauce on a Frank and just hum that thing at the neighbor.
You know?
Maybe you play Go Deep.
And that's where you have somebody run down the street and you throw a hot dog
as far as you can
and see if they can catch it in their mouth.
And that's a beautiful thing.
That's an old...
That's an old...
Pride Month trick as well.
But it is time to celebrate.
It's to celebrate America.
A lot to celebrate here.
4th of July on the docket.
4th of July.
The year.
I mean, we are halfway over.
You're...
Dude, it's a...
It's halfway.
You know, halfway is a big point, really.
You know, if you think about something like...
If you got a big sandwich, you know, you got...
You know, you got that meaty treat.
That freaking Lincoln log that's got you thinking about, you know, maybe some
mustard or relish.
And boy, I'm a relish.
You know, I love relish.
Sometimes, you know, when you're thinking about hot dogs and this and that, you
see people, they get...
They doing mustard.
You see somebody doing mustard.
You know, I remember when I was young, I would see a man pick up that mustard
bottle and just...
Really.
I mean, just control that thing as he just sprayed it on that frank.
I mean, some man, he just...
I remember seeing this one man and he would just...
He picked up that mustard and just turned it right over with the nozzle down
and just...
Like he had done some...
Like he used to do spray caulking or something for a contractor.
You know, this guy, I mean, he...
And he just filled in that frank with that mustard and hit it straight into his
jowls.
Hoo, hoo.
And he just...
He answered that question, boy, and put that meat owl right into his jowls,
baby, that big frank.
And what I like is, you know, is relish, though.
There's always that odd jar of that condiment, that odd condiment that's
sitting off to the side.
That green...
Some people don't even know what relish is.
Some people see a thing of relish and are like, damn, what is it?
It looks like a salad maybe had a heart attack or got electrocuted.
And that's relish.
And relish is...
You know, it's everything, kind of.
It's almost like...
It's like being in love when you're young.
It's romantic and it's sweet and it's spicy.
And relish is like kind of soft and it's wet, but it's, you know, trying to
hold itself together.
And it doesn't know what it is sometimes.
Is it a vegetable?
Is it a...
Is it a sauce?
Is it a...
You know, what is it?
And you can see relish sometimes.
You can almost envision the bottle or the little jar.
You know, relish comes in a little jar, a little glass cage, really.
And you can almost, if you think about relish, you could see it just one...
You could see it maybe at a therapist's office sitting on a couch just kind of
wondering what it is.
Because the other condiments, the other...
They're very clear.
It's ketchup.
You know, this is tomatoes and this is a specific sauce.
And that mustard, boy, you hit that...
You know, you see a man, a strong man just...
But then you got relish.
It's got a spoon out of it sometimes.
Coming out the jar, the lid is missing.
You're like, where's the lid?
Who gonna, you know...
How are they gonna contain this relish if they need to?
Yeah, and that's why I think, you know, I've always related to relish.
I've always related to relish.
Because I never knew kind of someone, what I am or...
But I'm right off there.
You know, I see the ketchup's there, the mustard's there, and they're partying.
And sometimes they, you know, people love them and they're...
But then I'm there too.
I don't know what the...
I don't know what I am sometimes, but I'm trying to hang in there.
You know, I'm independent.
I'm on the party table, you know.
I'm there with the other...
You know, I'm right next to the beef franks and the patties and the turkey patties.
But I'm independent at the same time.
So, yeah.
I think I've always related to relish.
And it's Independence Day coming up.
It's Independence Day.
So, if you...
You know, if you're feeling alone, man, this is your day, man.
Independent as you want to be.
You know, and I think a lot about independence.
I think...
You know, a lot of people ask me about, like, oh, you know, when are you going
to do a Netflix special?
When are you going to do this?
When are you going to do a special?
And I think about that.
But I think about, you know...
I mean, there's been offers for a special.
For a stand-up comedy special.
But, I think about this.
What if you sell a special to a platform?
You know, in a platform that's like Netflix or Amazon or, you know, Comedy
Central, a different place.
If one day they decide they don't like your voice being in the world.
Which sounds...
Maybe they wouldn't...
People say, well, maybe they wouldn't do that.
Or...
They might not.
Well, if one day they do.
If you sell them something, then it's theirs.
They own it.
So, they could press a button and you're off the docket.
Your voice doesn't even exist anymore.
And when I see sometimes, you know, a lot of times...
I mean, they haven't even put...
You know, I feel like some of these places haven't even put somebody from, you
know, like a rural person on television.
Or on, you know, giving them some opportunities in a long time.
So, it makes me think, well, what if they just decide, oh, we don't like this
guy's voice anymore.
Then they can eliminate it if they own it.
So, I just think about that.
You know, I think about that.
Well, once I sell something to them, they own it.
And they could delete it when they want to.
And that I don't exist.
You know, so it's just a battle sometimes to think, well, do I just want to
stay independent?
And just this way, I know that no matter what, you know, right or wrong, no
matter what choices I make or decisions I make, even if some of them are okay
and some of them are not okay, someone else doesn't get to say, oh, well, we
didn't like this choice this person made in their life or this thing they did.
And we don't like their voice being out there.
And we can take them off of our platform.
And since we own their voice, since we own what they sold us, then that's that.
They're gone.
And some people, you might say, well, that's kind of crazy to think about, but
I don't know if it is.
I mean, it seems like people's voices can get muted a lot of times these days
if they're owned by someone else.
So, I just, you know, I think about independence.
I think about, you know, I mean, America was founded.
People wanted to be independent.
I mean, things, you know, things was going so bad in Britain, some people got
into a boat and left.
And the people in Britain were like, where are you going?
And they're like, we don't know.
I mean, that's crazy.
Things must have been really rocky if you left and didn't even know where you
were going and only had just a couple sandwiches, a couple of, you know, decent
chicks, which you didn't even have something.
You didn't even have a real, you know, amazing batch, you know, a couple of cauldrons
of soup or whatever, gunpowder, that gunpowder chowder, bro.
That's what they were eating back then.
I mean, you needed something you could, you know, you could pop off and then
something you could fill your gullet.
And something that you could, you know, that you could fill your musket.
You needed that gunpowder chowder or something that, you know, you needed that
double-edged meal, you know, that way you could use it to fight.
You could use it to feast.
But that's crazy, independence, you know.
So, yeah, people ask about that, about being independent and what I think about
it and about doing a special.
And that's one of the things that kind of holds me up sometimes.
It's just something where I don't want to be owned by someone.
I don't want someone to own me where one day they could say, well, we don't
really want your voice out there, so, you know, we don't like your kind.
I mean, I feel enough of that when I even got out here to Hollywood.
We don't, you know, oh, you sound this way.
You're not really well, you know.
It just, you know, it's kind of left a sour taste in my mouth.
Oh, you don't have, I don't know, man.
You know, they think everybody where I'm from is just a racist or an idiot.
You know, they think a lot of rural white people or rural people at all are
just ignorant.
You know, and it just, I don't know, man.
I've never really felt super welcome.
And now some of that could be my own fault.
Maybe sometimes I don't want to be welcome.
You know, maybe there's something inside of me that doesn't want to be welcome.
I mean, maybe people could lay out a hundred welcome mats and maybe I wouldn't
notice it.
But I do notice when people's voices get silenced if they're not a certain way.
And I don't think my voice is that.
But who knows in 10 years from now, if that's what people could, if, you know,
somebody at some company is like, oh, man, this, this guy doesn't think like it
the same exact way I think about everything.
So we got to get, you know, let's take him off the platform and then you're
gone.
So I don't know.
I just think about that kind of stuff sometimes.
You know, you work so hard to create your own voice to just try and stay
independent and just do your own thing.
And then something comes along and, you know, I don't know.
It's like the snail, man.
I mean, you don't even know.
That snail doesn't even know.
He'll trudge his whole life to get 40 feet.
But then his son, you know, his son, he might have a little bit at 39 feet.
He might, you know, slug up with another little bed bug.
And then they got, then they have a baby.
And that baby goes, you know, the next generation, he goes that next 40 feet.
And then the next generation goes the next 40 feet and they just keep going.
You know, sometimes it takes a couple of legs to get somewhere.
It takes a couple of generations to get somewhere.
You know, if you're riding that independence, you got to really, sometimes you
got to ride it out.
So anyway, I'm not saying that I wouldn't do a comedy special with another
group or something like that.
But I really, you know, I have a tough time thinking abou