Name: Theo Von Recaps UFC 239
Uploaded: 2019-07-08T10:42:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Recaps UFC 239' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Recaps UFC 239' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-08. Transcript available.

So I watched the fights, and man, it was intense.
You know, first they had, I saw Holly Holmes versus Nunes.
And Holly Holmes, she kept looking like she was about to lose, and then she did.
And I also saw Tiago Santos, or Santos, and Santos' little helper, bro, one of
his knees wasn't helping him that much.
You know, he had, one of his knees kept kind of doing that lazy Susan.
Like, you would see his kneecap would be in the front, then in the back.
It was like, kneecaps in the front, kneecaps in the back.
But he stayed on.
He stayed on for that one-legged challenge.
I mean, this guy, I mean, he could be a tree.
That's how tough he was.
He could be a tree, because a tree only has, you know, a tree just has one leg.
And, I mean, he was just, he was, he was, he had that, he was that one-legged
launch pad.
And he kept launching them, launching that other leg.
You know, he kept launching kicks, and those big boppers, dude.
And he would throw a whoo.
And he only, Santos is like that guy, he's almost like the toughest blind guy
you've ever seen,
because he don't even look when he throws them.
He just, and when you see his arm coming, it looks like a herd of bison coming
at you.
I mean, his arm, I mean, I bet his arm would test positive for bison if they
checked his arms out.
And John Jones won.
John Jones.
Well, first of all, his arms are too long.
Okay, they should have an arm limit.
They should test his arms for other arms, because if you look at his arm, it's
got,
it's like three or four generations of arms in one arm.
I mean, he could hug you and then be juggling behind his own back at the same
time.
I mean, he just, it's, you know, it's really overwhelming.
And then I watched your boy, Masvidal, and this guy, he seemed like he was
ready to win.
That American top team killer.
I mean, he showed up, and all week he's had kind of long hair.
He's had kind of like, you know, let your hair down kind of Thursday and let
your hair down Friday.
And then Saturday night, he fixed it up.
That Masvidal Sassoon, baby.
And then he came in Saturday night with that kind of, you know, with that flamboyance,
with that hair care.
And his hair looked like a, I mean, his hair looked like a, I mean, he was
really, it looked beautiful.
It was real.
He had the hieroglyphs in it, and he was ready to beat ass and look nice while
he did it.
And he came in to, sometimes you have an idea, and sometimes it is good, and
sometimes it is not.
And he came in with that knee.
I mean, just the, I mean, it was like that midnight ride of Paul Nevere, you
know.
And he just, and then the Red Cross is coming, the Red Cross is coming.
I mean, and look, he's that South Florida bad boy, Masvidal.
I mean, he was like on a new Bravo show, The Real House Husbands of Miami.
He hit him with those, with that knee-knee leaks, bruh.
And he left him knee-knee leaking down there on the mat.
I mean, you know when a man is able to take a risk like that, he's on a heavy
diet of risk biscuits and a side of fearlessness dipping sauce.
Oh, well, let me get a little more fearlessness on that one.
Because that is, I mean, you coming in, he hit him with that Nistradamus boy,
and he had him, you know, ask and couldn't even predict his own future, bruh.
But that's how, that's what happens.
Look, I can't even fight.
I'm one of those dudes who's more likely to kind of get his ass beat, you know,
because those guys are special also.
You know, they get, that's underrated, you know, it's really underrated also
getting knocked out.
And I've done that.
I've been knocked out before.
And, you know, it's quick.
It's to the point.
At least you're not wasting a lot of people's time.
But, you know, I'm glad that Askren seems okay.
He had a funny tweet afterwards.
Well, that sucked.
I thought that, you know, he's very entertaining.
And that shit scared me, dude.
When he hit him, I was, I got on Amazon.
I ordered a wheelchair for myself, bruh.
That's how scared I was.
And I'm also, look, I'm a known bitch.
You know what I'm saying, bruh?
So, but I hope Askren is healthy and well and bounces back.
You know, Tiago and John Jones, they really, I mean, John Jones, is he even a
human?
Have they, do they know that he was born on earth?
Because he doesn't even, I don't even know what, sometimes it's like, it's
almost just like he, like, he's like, he's just like an, it's like watching an,
it's like watching something from another planet fight.
I mean, it's bizarre.
Now, all the entrance, he's got the backstage show.
He's got the dance on the way out.
You know, I'm surprised they don't have a stripper pole over there by his team.
Because there's a lot of levels of getting, then he gets in the ring.
He's got the prayer, honor in the ring.
Then he's got that roly-oly.
You know, he's got that big, that, you know, he just comes in there to straight
like a big flicking, just like a flipping, like that dark salamander, bruh.
And he just, and then he's ready to go.
But it's a long entrance.
I mean, he put more action into the entrance, I thought, than he did into the,
into the fight.
But also, you're talking to a guy who does not know much about fighting, and I
probably shouldn't even be commenting on any of this.