Name: First Sip from the Hose | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #212
Uploaded: 2019-07-08T13:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Sip from the Hose | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #212' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Sip from the Hose | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #212' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-08. Transcript available.

First Sip from the Hose | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #212

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i don't want to go back to work man i don't want to go back to work
you know there's something nice when you got the children outside and they are
outside
and you know they're doing stuff they got they got you know they've been having
a little bit of grill
meat in them they got a little bit of uh carne you know some hamburguesa some
queso you know you got
it's something nice when the children are outside they've been drinking kool-aid
or
drinking hose water dude that's what i used to love being young that hose boy
remember that
dude where we live we didn't even have a hose so i remember going to somebody's
house
and they had that hose and it was like damn y'all got just a damn much water as
you want
just coming out of this magic rope
oh dude i remember just putting that thing straight into my dome hole one time
and just
taking on as much as i could my god i mean i was so i was just cameled up bro i
was just h2 out
but i was filled with that aqua you know and latinos call it that aqua and we
and it's water but they
don't know how to say it it's like aqua aqua you're like no water but that's
where we meet together
and we teach each other you know but i remember that man that house hose boy
just a magic ass rope
that came out from somewhere and it would had that water in it and in
summertime the water tasted a
little bit like the pipes you get that hit and be like oh or if you were the
first person to take a
sip off the hose after somebody turned it on that person was a psychopath maybe
i don't know let's ask
ask everyone yes yes that person was because that that first hit had that hit
it was rust it was
it tasted like house had a little bit of iron supplements in there that first
hit boy if
somebody just went straight off the hose after somebody turned it on it was
always real hot
and that would do i wouldn't have that but our my boy daniel that lived in our
neighborhood he that was
his big thing and he ended up getting into drugs and alcohol and drugs
and he um but his big thing was he liked to get that hot hose hit that first
one
that one that you you know it tastes like a damn two years of science class
right up in that first
gulp it'll make you you know it'll make your bones pretend like they don't know
each other that
has got so many minerals and stuff in it you know when you have a damn you get
that first hit off the hose
that hot hose hit boy and daniel would do it he would do one and he'd go to the
neighbors and do another
next thing you know he's he's testing positive for phosphorus and for um you
know boron and
shit next thing you know you know he'll walk around a room and the the the
light bulbs in the room
will kind of turn and follow him like he's all because that hot house hit had
different elements
in it had iron you know had all kind of stuff sometimes there'll be a you know
some uh a stuck
animal in the pipe and daniel just take that thing to the dome boy he just just
huff a weasel off that
first hit of hot house water and he was risky he was always kind of a risky boy
he was always i mean really always just kind of that risky boy let's go
celebrate celebrate celebrate all your way celebrate all your way celebrate all
your way
all of your demons let's have some fun while we all die
a little morose out there sorry but that song is also positive let's all have
let's have some fun
let's have some fun while we're out while we're out here oh good to see you
today even of even audio
even over audio i know you're there i'm here it is uh july 7 sunday evening
here in los angeles
and it's summer it's i mean it's the dog days of summer it's hot
it's hot man even hell right now even hades that closed down they said closed
for the summer
it's hot it's so hot everywhere you don't need we can't do any business right
now
that's why it's kind of beautiful i think if you um if you die in the
summertime you know if you
relinquish your uh living past you know if the lord gives you two yellow cards
and sends you on up
in the summertime you you pretty much go to heaven
because hades is closed for repairs because mother earth is putting on her own
warm freak show out
here called summertime and it is spicy i mean it's uh people just
people talking like that
people can't even even people's ideas are real dry you know if you get an idea
if you if you you know
if you got a couple ideas out of somebody and you put them on a plate you'd
probably be able to cut
them up with a credit card and and hit them hit put them cats in your freaking
in your little going in your little to-go brain your little to-go box in your
head your brain
you'd be able to free free base them hoes boy because even people's ideas are
they're just
things are uh there's not a lot of moisture running around you know it's not
even as the
summer is really not a good time for sex it's more of a time for um for spiders
and for getting a good deal on some cocaine because there's not a lot of
moisture out there
oh that earthquake people kept hitting me are you okay well dude how i'm gonna
be okay if i'm
sitting here telling you i'm okay all the time
you know what i'm sorry to get upset man but that hey man just checking
somebody sent me all caps are you okay
heard there was an earthquake
we don't now you're alarming me what i'm how
it just look if i'm if there's an earthquake just assume i'm taking the natural
precautions
i did what i should have done
i
googled what do you do during an earthquake
okay that's exactly what i did
i googled what do you do during an earthquake and then the first thing i got it
uh it had an
advertisement for like an earthquake helmet
mitch i ain't wearing an earthquake helmet okay
i ain't no little shake ho a lot of these fools can't handle a shake
i ain't no shake ho i'm not wearing an earthquake helmet i'm sorry and i'm
sorry if i sound real feisty
about it but i'm not doing it i'm not putting on a helmet if i you know if i
feel like mother nature's acting wild
that's not really who i am you know i'm more you know i'm not that guy and i've
said it before
i'm not gonna do a helmet if i'm wear a bicycle if i have a bicycle i'm not
never letting my son
see me in a bike helmet because a child can't get that image out of his head
of his father on a damn you know on a six speed
with a with a basket on the front and a damn bike helmet on
i mean that kid's gonna end up in probably rehab rehabilitation or
you know or doing something wild
you know burying him you know doing something crazy burying himself at the
beach or something
you know doing crazy stuff so
you just have to you know you got to know what you're going to do and what you're
willing not to do
because it's hot man mother nature's you know we kind of rely on mother nature
a lot
don't we you know we rely oh yeah she's going to come around with that next
with that next card she's going to play that summer and then she's going to
play that the fall the
autumn and she's going to play that winter card and then she'll be back with
the spring
but look
everybody knows some of these matches out there
and some of these male bitches can be unreliable
so mother nature you don't know if this bench is fully reliable
she's only been doing the seasons how long do we know
let me google that right now yeah this doesn't even know it says four seasons
get a night at the four
seasons see this is the problem with the world
you know i'm trying to learn about mother nature next thing you know i'm
sleeping somewhere for seven
hundred dollars
but we don't know how long she's been operating so
we don't know when she's going to give up she might leave the table for a round
and say you
know what i'm sitting this one out it's autumn only this year it's summer only
so we just don't know so we gotta just i think you know right now i gotta be
grateful that i have
i got water i got
i got uh what else i'm doing uber you know so everything's okay everything's
gonna be okay um
what else is going on what else is happening i uh
i've been playing video games i got modern warfare call of duty
and it's fun it's definitely fun but it's different
it's a lot different i feel like than when i was young
these give the video games now you can't really lose
every time you get a little they got a checkpoint they call it you check oh
you got the checkpoint whenever you start back again you start right here buckaroo
good luck good luck young buck you're gonna be you're gonna do great out there
when i was young
i remember you had to look if you we knew like
you had a couple of lives and if you lost them all guess what
you had to start over at the beginning of the game and it was insane i remember
if you got to the
point where you're gonna fight the bad guy remember you're gonna fight bowser
dude i would pause the
game dude i would take a break you know i get my i get my brother dude dude do
a massage
do a massage my hands i'd be putting chalk on my hands i'd be doing cleaning
jerks in the yard
i would get ready if you were about to fight bowser i would get a rest for two
days just leave it leave the screen on
i would be there was no i would invite grandma she's my good luck charm invite
her over grandma would drive
down from illinois if i'm fighting bowser you had to prepare this was it this
was the big showdown you
you weren't gonna get a million chances at it
remember you would do everything you you know you'd have maybe your dad would
even come back he hadn't seen
you in years he shows up to help you fight to help you just to watch you fight
him and he's in disguise
because he don't want your mom trying to get any of the money he owes and then
he leaves you lose and he's gone
but you know but there's rumors that it was him it was just a different time
and if you were at the
if you were fighting the champ the bowser
and now it's like you're at the end they got a movie in between and make you
feel comfortable
you can restart a million times at the end you can't lose
you can't really lose
but it was different back then you had do remember sometimes you would have to
put something in the
machine the machine broke
after a while it broke and you had to put something there to hold the game in
place
or you had to have your sister sit there and hold the game
remember that hold the game she's like i'm not holding the game you're damn
holding the game or you ain't eating
and she would hold the game
but t