Name: Tom Segura | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #213
Uploaded: 2019-07-11T14:23:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #213' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #213' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-11. Transcript available.

Tom Segura | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #213

Today's episode is one of the funniest men, maybe in the planet, and maybe even
on other planets.
We don't really know what he's doing with his spare time, you know it.
He's one of the wonderful hosts of Your Mom's House podcast.
He's a conspirator, he's a comedian, and he's a confidant, I think.
Give it up for our guest today on this past weekend is Mr. Tom Segura.
That's a good artist too, by the way.
The logo?
I don't even know who did that.
Really?
Do you start to get amazed at the level of interaction you get from your
listeners that's like...
Unbelievable.
And then sometimes a real fucking all-star will send you something where you're
like, holy shit.
We have a lot of song submissions.
Yeah.
So people sometimes fuck around on like, what's it called?
Like Sound...
SoundCloud?
Yeah, no, the Apple one.
You know what I'm talking about?
I can't think of the name.
But anyways...
GarageBand?
GarageBand.
And you can tell that it's like, you know, they just loop something once.
And you're like, okay.
But sometimes like a music composer will make something and you're like, Jesus
Christ, this
is like a, you know, a real song that you make.
And they're like, yeah, that's what I do.
Like Chopin or like a Mozart or something.
Somebody's like, wow.
Yeah, it's impressive.
And artists too.
I'm most impressed with the artists.
And I think a lot of the, like the Photoshop people are hilarious.
That comedy content collective is like a group of them together.
Dude, so funny.
They make, you know, memes, videos.
Oh, yeah.
They're so funny.
Hats too.
One guy sent us a bunch of hats.
You know, so.
Sometimes they make, you know, they'll make shit for us.
Some guys made me children's clothes.
Well, I've gotten some strange stuff sent in.
You know, neat things.
Some things are great.
Like, you know, we got a guy that sends us these candles.
That's great.
Yeah.
And sometimes it gets a little wild.
Like somebody chiseled something into some deer feces or something like in a
certain place
and brought it.
We got some poop, some dried poop.
Yeah.
I don't like, well, I mean, it's so nice when people bring you things, but when
you're on
the road and they're like.
I have this for you.
It's a six by four foot bat carved with your name.
I'm like, yeah, I got fly home, man.
Yeah.
And they're like.
Yeah.
They don't think about that.
I'm like, I can't bring this.
Yeah.
If I don't like it, I'll take it because I'm not going to bring it.
Right.
But if I really like it, I'm like, will you please ship this to me, dude?
Yeah.
Because I'd like to have this.
Oh, that's nice.
That's a good way to do it.
But ship the thing if it's a big, right?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
If it's real big.
Yeah.
I'm trying to think of interesting things.
It's definitely some heavy stuff.
That's been the craziest thing.
Yeah.
Some guy did a bronze bust.
He said it was a me.
Didn't look kind of like a black me kind of, which is fine.
Yeah, sure.
And it's, but I wasn't ready.
I would go Latino before I go black.
That's me personally, but I was not.
You are part Latino.
Right.
But I go full.
I'm talking about having a pistol, being on a fucking animal's back.
You know?
I'm talking about fucking drinking aloe vera, dude.
Yeah.
Under a fucking wagon somewhere.
Okay, for life.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
For life, papa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
¿Qué tal tu español?
Bien?
Nada mucho.
What?
Yeah.
I was told you speak Spanish.
I speak enough to survive and probably, I speak enough to work in a kitchen.
Oh, I got you.
But I'm practicing.
Por lo sal.
And you're like.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
More like, yeah.
Por lo sal.
More salt.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Chicharrones, eh?
Chicharrones, eh?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.
And a violencia, too.
Okay.
But I would love to do a tour, like, in Spanish-speaking countries.
If I'm able to get my Spanish good and well enough, would you let me go on tour
with you
in a Spanish-speaking country?
I'm trying to organize.
Really?
The answer is yes, and I'm trying to organize it for sometime in 2020 to do,
like, a few
shows, yeah.
Wow.
I need a couple more years then, so I'm talking maybe-
Well, I'll do it then, too.
2023.
But, like, I did a Spanish show here in L.A., and I tell you, I haven't been
that nervous
since, like, 10 years ago.
You know what I mean?
Because I was like, fuck.
And I was like, I wrote stuff out.
I used to, you know, I don't write shit out now.
You just kind of go up, you know, little notes, but I was typing stuff out,
rehearsing, and
I was like, fuck.
And I even had a part where I really stumbled, you know?
But the advantage is this.
The advantage is, like, I was on a Spanish-speaking show, and everybody is,
like, a native Latin
person, so then they're like, oh, this American's coming up.
So then you actually buy yourself favor, because they're like, you're not
supposed to be able
to do it, you know?
So I think that helped me with the crowd, because they're like, that's fucking-
I could see that.
White boy's going to do it, you know?
And then you start, once you start and you hit a couple jokes, they're like,
hey, it's
great, you know?
It's like, I don't know.
Was it- did you feel as masterful?
And not to say that you're a master, but I mean, obviously, you're very good at
your craft,
and you've worked really hard.
Did you feel as a-
As proficient?
Yes.
No.
Of course not.
Wow.
No, it's scary, which is like, but that's kind of the exciting part, right?
Because I was like, I kind of knew how I was going to start, but then, you know,
in
English, if you stumble, it's just something about your own language.
Like, you can recover, make fun of yours, like, and if you're not- my Spanish
used to
be, like, I would say, nine out of ten, almost ten out of ten, right?
But I mean, like, I was-
And that's better than a lot of Mexican people I've met here in L.A.
That's true.
I'm not even joking.
No.
Especially second generation?
No, yeah, totally.
But I mean, when I went to school-
Yeah.
Like, in Spain, and like, I'm going to classes and writing term papers, you get-
I was dreaming
in Spanish, you get, like, really proficient.
Duerme, huh?
Yeah, exactly.
Suerto.
That's luck, okay.
Is that luck?
Suerte is luck, yeah.
Oh, not bad.
Sueño.
Sueño, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I mean, when I came back from that, I was on the most proficient level I
could possibly
be at, now I would say, you know, maybe on a good day it's a seven out of ten,
because
it just diminishes if you don't use it.
So, that's the tricky part, is like, practicing it to a point where you feel
like, I mean, if
I go do it, I'm going to be the American doing the show there.
Yes.
Right, so they're already going to be excited that you're even trying.
Exactly.
I think that that's a big advantage.
And if you were to do it, it's the same thing.
They'd be like, an American person's coming here to do this?
So, whatever level you're at, they're going to be like, you know.
Now, even if you were like, kind of not great at it, I think it would even be
hilarious.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
That's so bad.
Yeah, that would be so tough to think like, okay, now I'm just going to go.
What if you get halfway through a sentence and your conjugation's whack?
It happened on that show I did.
Yeah.
They kind of forgive you.
Like, they get you're trying to do it.
Yes.
Because we've all seen foreigners do English stand-up, right?
Yeah.
I mean, at the store, you've seen-
Yeah, and you're so supportive.
You're like, oh, wow, they can't even do this.
And then if they fuck up a sentence, it's funny because you're watching a
comedy show.
Oh, yeah.
Like, saying it wrong actually becomes part of the joke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, people love that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would love to be, I think, I think I would love to be Mexican.
I don't know if I would love to be-
You would love to be Mexican?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
It just seems like, not like incarceration, you know what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to go deep, deep, you know?
I'm trying to go like kind of safe, safe Mexican, you know?
Safe Mexican.
Yeah.
Which is?
Like kind of, I would say, kind of near where the Dodgers play, I guess,
somewhere.
You know what I'm saying?
Like Echo Park?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That level.
Yeah, but Echo Park like in the actual, like in a-
Or Elysian Park, right?
Isn't that where they end up playing?
Isn't that where the-
Elysian?
Yeah, yeah.
That might be it.
Isn't that the name of the-
I don't know.
It's near Echo Park, though.
Elysian, yeah.
But yeah, I would love that, I think.
Some, like I would do, I would go black.
It's too dangerous, I think, still for me.
To be black?
Yeah, yeah.
You mean if the option was there to-
I gotta be black in Seattle.
Right.
That's easy, bro.
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a good time there.
Yeah, that's fucking-
For sure.
But like Houston?
Yeah, it'd be riskier.
Yeah.
Then you get to like Biloxi or something?
Oh, yeah.
No, you get to Gary, Indiana, and then it's-
Do you remember being a kid and being like,
my God, I wish I was black.
Like when you-
Because when you're a kid, you know,
first you have no idea that-
Like I remember my first best friend,
we're talking like five years old.
Yeah.
And it was black, but I didn't make the distinction
that there's really-
You know what I mean?
Like you don't point it out.
And then like you turn, I don't know,
maybe it's like eight or something,
and you start having interests, like music, sports,
and you're like, oh, we fucking suck.
Yeah.
Like I'm watching football, and I'm like,
how come nobody that I like looks like me?
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Nobody.
Like it was Jerry Rice.
Yeah.
And Deion Sanders.
I'm like, where's my guy?
And they're like, these are the best guys.
And you're like, oh, Michael Jordan.
They're like, no one's us.
Yeah, who's us?
Us is always the guy like standing there like this.
Yeah.
You know?
Like uncertain.
The guy that they mock and make a fucking fool of.
Cross up, and he's like, ooh.
And yeah, and you're like, that's my,
they're like, that's who you are.
You're that guy.
Or like football.
I remember watching college football,
and it's like, you know,
you watch all the good games,
like ACC, SEC, and then they're like, you know,
have you seen the BYU?
They're having a good year,
and a bunch of white guys.
You know, it's all slow and shit.
Yeah.
Like, there's no fucking high stuff.
You're beating on the TV.
You're trying to be like, what's going on?
Yeah, it's like, come on, man.
There's no punt returns.
Yeah.
It's just like sensible blocking,
like four-yard average runs.
Like, this fucking sucks.
Some of the players even have whistles.
You're like, this is, this seems erroneous.
Yeah, there's no, I don't know, man.
Yeah, I remember being like, that's what I want to be.
I want to be black.
Yeah, I remember thinking, let me think about that.
It's so interesting, man.
I mean, I think that,
sometimes I feel like that black culture doesn't realize
how much a lot of white people want to be black.
Well, yeah, but what gets twisted up in that, too,
is that, and there's a good point to it, I think,
is that we'll say, or you'll see, you know,
white people being like, I wish I was black.
And they're like, you wish you were the most.
Right, the coolest parts of being black.
Right, right.
But like, you're skipping over all the bullshit that we do,
which is totally legit.
Right.
Right, they're like, you don't deal with like,
being profiled or followed through a store,
being like, are you buying something?
Like, all the bullshit.
Right.
The institutional racism that's just kind of built into society.
Yeah.
They're like, do you want to deal with that part?
And you're like, well, no, I just put like...
Not as much.
The fucking dunking looks cool.
Yeah, the dunking looks cool.
Oh, okay.
That's really convenient.
But then you're never alone, kind of like,
if you go into a store,
no one gives a fuck if I'm in there.
Yeah.
You want to be profiled.
Well, I want to be cared about.
It's like one of the reasons why I think
I kind of like surgery and stuff because.