Name: Cheek to Seat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #214
Uploaded: 2019-07-15T13:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cheek to Seat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #214' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cheek to Seat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #214' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-15. Transcript available.

Cheek to Seat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #214

man, I'm just trying to be alive, you know it, and this weekend, man, I ate a
whole sack
of them Toll House morsels, man, they, and they, I don't know if you've ever
seen them,
they got that yellow sack, they got that, that amarillo, I think is how you say
it in
Spanish, they got that amarillo bolsa, that yellow sack of them little
chocolate, you know,
little nuggets, look like, I mean, they look like, almost like a little doody
or something,
like a, like a real little bitty bear, maybe a bear that's, you know, about
four inches
tall, came and did a little doody somewhere, and that's the, the Nestle, Nestle,
I believe
Toll House morsels, and they are good, and look, you have, here's the thing,
the sack
of them, the, the way they built the sack, if you open it, a bunch kind of
spill out, so
I don't know, it's kind of like, I don't want to say it's like that movie, you
know, Amistad
or anything, but it's kind of, you know, you know, they got too many in the bag
kind
of thing, you know, and so, you know, next thing you know, they got a couple of
those little
sweet chocolate morsels, just, you know, maybe you put a couple in your hand,
or, but then
it's, you know, some spill on the counter, next thing you know, you've had 10,
11, 19, and
I probably had, I don't even really want to be honest with myself about it, I
probably
had, um, 240 of them, you know, so that's, I mean, I guess that's kind of where
I'm at
right now, you know, but, uh, let's get into it.
I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my
home?
Yeah, man, man, they good.
And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's
been blown.
Now, I'm just focused on the breeze, and I feel like I'm falling like these
leaves, I must
be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
I found I can feel it in my bones.
Them clavies, baby.
Come on, let's go, we can do it.
For me to set that parking brake, and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Come on, let's go, I'm on me.
Thank you.
Hey, what's up?
That is Shine by Bishop Gunn, and they are a band out of Natchez, Louisiana.
Or Mississippi, sorry.
And it's so close, you can't even tell which one you're in.
I mean, you could, if you had really long legs, you could be in Mississippi and
Louisiana at the same time.
You're going to have to probably be at least about, I would guess, probably
about eight feet tall, because you're going to have to really, you just need a
little bit of room.
You've got to make sure you're in each one, because you've got to pod out at
the bottom, sort of.
Thank you for joining me today.
Good to see you.
I hope you are doing well.
I hope you are doing well.
And that is Shine by Bishop Gunn.
I am, what's going on?
What's going on with me, I guess?
It's summertime, that's what I'm realizing, you know.
And it's summer.
And this is the kind of time of year I remember.
At summertime, you go to the pool, you might see a little, if you're around
that age when you really, when you got really pervy, it kind of starts kind of
whispering.
In your ear.
Because pervy, if you're going through pervy, pervy is a real ghost, you know.
It's invisible to you for years.
You were, you're a child and you don't, you don't see nothing.
When you're a real young, a titty could roll across the street, you don't care.
You know, a whole, a battleship full of wieners could just, you know, capsize
right out front of your house.
If you're a young lady, you don't care.
You're like, oh, what is all of this?
What are all of these, you know, these weird, you know, these weird little kind
of arms, you know, that don't have bodies hooked to them?
Because that, because that, that, that pervy, the ghost hadn't started really
whispering to you.
And then when you hit about 13 or 14, that ghost just, you kind of just, you're
playing video games and suddenly you hear something in your ear like,
And they'll try to pretend like they're still a ghost, but really they're just,
it's just, uh, puberty coming at you.
So, but that's what time it is, man.
It's summertime.
It's summertime.
And the kids, I bet the kids, it's, you're inside.
I know the kids are inside.
It's starting to get a little touchy-feely, I bet.
It's starting to get a little bit intense, you know, it's getting a little bit
hot, hot.
But puberty come and it really starts, it starts getting you going.
If you're young, remember, that's when summer would always, uh, that's when, uh,
puberty would always hit somebody.
But, uh, in summertime, Matt, you feel that long as, hey, I know you like
playing hot and go sick.
But what about, uh, uh, some titties?
I mean, everything started to change.
You know, you'd have a water slide at the beginning of summer.
And by the end of the summer, you're trying to, you're trying to slide into the
neighbor's daughter.
Remember, it was just different times.
It just was, it was same times, actually, but it was, it was just, I don't know,
it was just something that happened.
That's what, and your buddy come back from school, he have a beard, you know?
Your friend, you guys had pogs or something together.
Now he got a beard and he got a child.
He was in a war and you're like, damn, you might, you got some real, you must
have had that Polish puberty hit you or something that Ukrainian, bro.
Cause you already been in a couple of battles, but it's that summertime.
We're still getting through it.
What did I do this weekend?
I had, look, I had some neat experience.
Uh, I'll share about it in a second.
You know, I was asking or thinking last week, who listens to the show?
And I wanted to know.
And so, uh, we got a couple of people that chimed in and let us know.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
Um, I'm calling from Phoenix, Arizona.
Oh, Phoenix, Arizona.
And my mother used to live over there outside of Phoenix.
And Phoenix, if you know, Arizona State University, beautifulest.
They got some real beautiful ladies running around over there.
I mean, they got, I'm surprised they not, they don't have real carnivores in
that area.
A lot of, because they got some ladies over there.
You'll see some booty cheeks make you want to damn get a fork and knife out,
bro.
You know, turn you into a little, that kind of snack-a-dactyl, really.
So, but thank you for calling, young lady.
Onward.
Um, I'm a special ed teacher.
And I just wanted to call and say that you do a kick-ass job, um, on, on your
podcast.
Um, I normally listen to you when I'm getting ready for work.
Oh, you're a special ed teacher, and that's beautiful.
And I actually, you know, a lot of people know that I, you know, beat down
syndrome when I was born.
And, and I've had a lot of, you know, I've had interactions.
I'll tell you, actually, I feel bad about this.
But when I was in a third grade or first grade, and who knows which one it was.
I mean, nobody really, you know, nobody ever knows, really.
And, uh, and they had a, next to us was special education.
And, um, and I would sneak in there and steal.
They had these kind of orange slices and these lime slices, these kind of green
little sugar.
Looked like a little, uh, like somebody, like a little handful of somebody made
a little sugar, like a chewy sugar chunk.
These little sugar hitters, and I'd sneak in there and eat them all.
While the, while the, uh, special ed kids were out doing recess or just doing
something.
I don't even know what they were doing.
Just riding around town or whatever, you know, not at school or not in the
classroom.
And, um, and honestly, I've always felt a little bit bad about that.
Uh, so I want to apologize about that right now.
I would sneak in there.
And, dude, sometimes I would lock myself in the cab, in the cupboard.
They had a tall cupboard.
I'd get in there, and I'd start eating these candies.
Because our teacher, Miss Lewis, would give you permission to go to the
restroom sometimes.
If you were an appropriate child.
Now, we had some inappropriate, you know, we had some real inappropriates kind
of milling around.
We had kids who, you know, alphabet deniers and stuff.
You know, kids that didn't want to read and all kinds.
But she would let you go get, uh, to the, to the restroom and see you be in the
hall by yourself.
So I'd sneak into the, um, special ed room and get their candies and get in
that candy closet.
And the second I opened that door, they had so many candies.
They had those, uh, Tootsie Roll, the long ones, you know, that kind of make
you, ooh, ooh.
That kind of make you really, that kind of make you start thinking about what
you're into as a young fella.
You know, you put two of them big fellas in your mouth, you might, you know,
you might, uh, you might end up in a unique parade later on in your life.
And so I'd get in there and I'd start just eating the lime slices and eating, I'd
have probably maybe 30 pieces of candy.
And then I'd come back to the class and I'd have forgotten to go urinate.
And so I'd have to sit there the rest of the time and, and suffer with the full
bladder.
And it's funny because the pain of having to urinate would almost be, it would,
every time I remembered, oh, I got to pee so bad.
I would feel ashamed because I'd stolen them children's candies.
Their sweet, uh, the sweet treats.
And anyway, I'm sorry, I'm rambling.
Yes, thank you for calling in onward.
Um, since I'm a special ed teacher and I work right now in behavior
specifically, um, it's very stressful.
So I'd like to start off my day with one of your episodes because it just kind
of sets me in that mood to get ready and be positive and know that everything
is going to be okay.
So thank you, dude, for all that you do.
Thank me.
Thank you.
You know, I think about that, uh, as brave you.
I, it's, uh, well, it's not, you have a special gift to be able to work with
children that's really, you know, that have autism or, you know, unique gifts
from God.
They're, they're a lot of mentally challenged people.
It seemed like they're doing more insider trading.
It seemed like they're operating on the inside.
You know, we're out here operating on the outside for the most part.
And some of us are a hundred percent out here and nothing inside.
And some of us are, are 50, 50, but sometimes a lot of, you know, mental
children.
When I was growing up, it would seem they were, um, they were, uh, they were
more like 80 inside 20 outside.
So they had a lot more, you know, you got to, it's almost like a Rubik's cube.
You got to do a lot of twisting and turning to kind of get the, get the walls
to all match up.
And it takes a lot of patience.
So I can't even really imagine, you know, um, how much patience you have to be.
I mean, you must, you must, you must just have to be full of patience because,
uh, I mean, I just, I imagine if we cracked you open that something would come
out, but only if we waited a while.
Cause that's patience.
You know, like I just can't imagine it, you know, and.
And so thank you for, for your service right there.
And, uh, and thank you for the compliment.
And I hope you have a great day today.
You know, I hope you, you know, uh, and those kids that you're working with in
the future, they get the next go around.
They get the big trip next time.
You know, we all, we all take turns.
I believe that.
Like I'm here this time doing what I do, being a loud mouth.
And next time I'll be, you know, I'm kind of a more sensitive loud mouth.
Next time I might be a warrior, like a deaf warrior.
So you'll see me with no listening skills, but maybe be a lightweight champion
of the world.
Or I might be like a, you know, a little show animal or 