Name: Never-ending Walmart | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #216
Uploaded: 2019-07-22T13:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Never-ending Walmart | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #216' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Never-ending Walmart | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #216' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-22. Transcript available.

Never-ending Walmart | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #216

all right what is it dude
all right dang dude man i look like i freaking combed my hair with a damn
shovel all right
uh i have on pants with um and i don't know if this has ever happened to you
but i'm
i have on pants with sandals pants with sandals and
and every time i do that i feel my feet feel like they're just up to no good
you know my feet feel
like they're my legs feel like they're being normal and my feet feel like they're
being naughty
just because i guess like the cold air kind of hits them and
you know and they're just so damn exposed if you're wearing damn uh
you know you got your damn toes out there your freaking
your little dangle pieces out there at the end of your feet
because your toes are just like almost like 10 small like little floridas just
hanging off your body
but yeah when i have pants on and sandals i feel
oh and then a dog comes up and licks your toes
i mean let's be honest bruh that's the dark arts right there
Yeah, ma'am.
Yeah, ma'am.
Tiny, that's Tiny Sandhu.
Putting that sound paste on your damn hearing, on your hearing brushes.
And if you guys don't know who Tiny is, Tiny's a, you know, he's that rare
earth element.
Tiny Sandhu is a man, you know, when this pod, you know, when we first started
doing this,
he would send us sounds.
And he records deep in the earth.
We don't know where he's from.
I mean, if you took a damn, if you quit, you know, quit combing your hair with
a shovel
and use the shovel naturally in its natural locale into the earth,
I bet somewhere down there you'd find a damn treasure box and you'd open it up.
And inside of there would be Tiny Sandhu, a small man.
We don't know how many, nobody's seen him.
And he'd be playing a little bitty, a little bitty guitar, you know.
But that's him.
He hit me through email years ago.
And every couple months he'd send in something.
And this message came from him and this is all truthful and this is all honest.
He said, hey, man, I've been living a different life in a different dimension
for a while.
But fuck that, man.
I'm back.
And coming through with that interplanetary hitter.
A cover of Sweet Child of Mine.
And that's it, Tiny Sandhu.
And that could be Middle Eastern.
I'm not sure what he is.
But we're gracious for that hitter.
And we're hoping to have a new website up here in the next two weeks.
And then people can submit their sounds, music, melodies, and this and that to
be a part of the experience.
And that'll be that.
What's going on?
Not much, man.
What did I do this weekend, really?
You know, I got my nieces and nephews are coming out here in two weeks to go to
Disney.
See the mouse, you know.
And I remember when I was real young, you know, they had a man next door, kind
of an older guy.
And I don't want to say a pervert, but he always said his zipper on his pants
didn't work well.
So, you know, you can kind of, you could get a dang, you could get a stencil
and some markers and draw a young conclusion on that.
But this man, he would always say, come see the mouse, you know.
Y'all want to go to Disney World, come see the mouse.
And you get by him and he had a little mouse in his hand.
A little bitty mouse, you know.
Reminds me of that circus mouse on Green Mile.
Remember that movie?
Remember that movie that killed the big black guy that killed Michael Clark
Duncan?
And they got the man on there with the circus mouse.
That little white kind of shifty guy.
Looked like his eyes are playing, like in a little bit of a, like, look like
his eyes are always kind of shooting at each other a little bit.
He got that little circus mouse, you know.
He goes, oh, it's going to be a little bitty circus mouse.
Remember that?
But I could see myself, I don't know if I could train animals.
I could, actually I could.
You know, I don't want to doubt myself.
That's one thing recently I've been tired of, just doubting myself.
You know, I want to believe.
I want to just start to just believe that I could do what I want to do.
Or I could do anything.
I could train animals.
I could, you know, I could be a high diver.
You know, I could, you know, I could hold my breath for a long time.
You know, just different.
It could be anything, man.
It could be really anything.
And I just, I guess I want to start believing in myself more.
What else was I thinking about?
Oh, I went to look at a car, you know.
And I'm looking at a Jeep Grand Cherokee.
And I always wanted to have one.
And so, thinking about treating myself and getting something like that.
You know, just that hitter.
You out there, that little, you know, that little, and you got that vehicle in
your cruise.
And I love that.
Dude, remember when you were young, bruh?
And you left the house for the first time in your car?
I remember looking back at my folks and being like, man, I can't believe they
fucking let me go.
They no sure fire.
I'm about to go get me a little bit of johns, you know.
And it was, I don't even know what holiday it was, Thanksgiving.
Dude, I'll get a couple damn turkey johns and just, just huff them things and
just get my lungs all freaking, you know, cornucopia cooked out, bruh.
I was just, literally, I drove 200 feet to my neighbors, bro, and drove there
and got some weed.
And I was just, I remember my mom could even see me from where I drove down.
It wasn't, I lied to her.
I said, I'm going to get something, you know, I'm going to the market or I'm
going to get some gas.
And she said, you have a full tank.
And I said, well, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to top it off.
Because it was my first time, that first experience right there.
But I remember that.
And I drove just about 200 feet into my neighbor's driveway and bought weed
right there in front of my mom.
My mom said, damn, you're an idiot.
And she was right.
She was right about that one, that time.
Now I have evolved since then, but she was right about that.
But remember how shitty everybody's car was when you were a kid?
Unless you were rich, then you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
But remember how shitty, bro?
I remember one dude, they had this guy in our town, this guy, Big Samuel.
And he had a van and it wouldn't shut off.
So that bitch, you had to constantly be putting gas in it.
It wouldn't shut off, dude.
There was no, like, on-off.
It was either when the gas was in, it would start up.
And when it was out of gas, it would stop.
There was no, I think somebody either stole the ignition or something happened.
Sorry, I had me a little sip of that coffee.
Dude, coffee, let's be honest, that's like damn cocaine for your lungs, bro.
Right when you bring that cup to your mouth, it's like your lungs just pulled
over under, you know, off the interstate and bought a, you know, bought a swift,
you know, bought a couple.
Just a wet brown gram of joy.
What's going on?
Dude, I have this crazy kind of thing that's been kind of milling around in the
background that I want to share with you, but I don't want to, like, jinx
myself.
Do you ever get like that?
Like, you want to share, like, some news or something, but you don't want to,
like, jinx your own life?
I get like that sometimes.
I was at the comedy store this weekend.
Everybody was in Montreal for the comedy festival, and I was just by myself,
and, and, um, man, I get this thing at night where, like, I get, you know, I,
like, everything was good, and the next thing you know, I downloaded Snapchat,
and, you know, Snapchat should be shut down.
I mean, anything can get through Snapchat.
It's like our borders, basically.
It's like, whatever.
Here's, they got a meal, they got, you know, Snapchat is very, it's just so
dangerous.
I know I've talked about it before, but I didn't really realize this.
You know, I get this thing at night when I'm by myself, and it just, like, I
get, like, restless.
Like, I just, I don't know, I just get restless.
I want to do something.
You know, but I don't even know what I want to do sometimes.
I just don't know what I want to do.
Um, but, uh, it's like I want to, like, growl at something, or I want to, I
just, I want to just, I want to just, you know, just nibble on something, a titty
or something.
I don't know what it is.
Something.
I just want to do something.
I have this thing at night, I get restless.
And maybe it's just, uh, you know, it could be, like, a sign of the times.
Like, because we're going from such an era of just human, human to electronics.
You got to think about that.
I mean, you know, 30 years ago, the, the, the only volts going through your
body was a heartbeat.
That was it.
If you wanted to check me for some type of rhythm or a voltage or something.
Heartbeat.
That was, uh, you know, that systole and diastole, bruh.
And those were also a couple of, uh, kind of redneck brothers in my town.
Um, twins, you know, systole and diastole.
Harper was the last name.
But that's also, you know, that's part of your aortas.
Because your heart just is like a, your heart's like a shoebox, but the shoes
are all blood.
And, um, anyway, but if you check somebody's body, that was it.
The main frequency rolling through them was that heartbeat.
That, you know, that, or if they went for a jog, then it would be that.
Or if they was doing a little bit of coke, it would be like, or if they had
just bought a shark, it would be like, so, but that was it.
That was your only vibe was that your, your only vibration inside of you that
you're, you know, that nature's drum, the heart.
And then now you got all of the, you got, there's electric waves going
everywhere.
You know, I just wonder if sometimes if my angst is a side effect of just all
the electricity and stuff that's in the air, all the vibes that are out, that
are just cruising.
I mean, dude, there's an email.
If you send an email, where do you think it goes, bro?
Through the ground, dude?
No.
Through the air.
That's a damn word bird, bro.
That thing is.
So if you're chilling, if you're chilling and next thing you know, you feel
something, you know.
I wouldn't be surprised one day they crack a guy open on a deathbed and he got
a bunch of damn Best Buy emails clogged up in his body or something or some,
you know, who knows is what I'm trying to, I guess, say.
So that's been that, I guess.
But yeah, I guess at night sometimes I get kind of, I don't know, there's this
thing inside of me and it just wants to act out.
It's almost like a, just like a, it feels like a little gopher that won't brush
his teeth or something.
He's just hiding like in the base of my neck and in the back of my wiener.
And he wants to just be out there and he wants to be naughty, man.
That's how I feel sometimes.
I can't, I wish I could explain it to you better, but that happens to me at
night.
A lot of time by myself, I get that, that naughty gopher just milling, just, I
mean, that thing is just fucking loitering around in the back of my nuts, in my
nutsack, you know.
And in France, they say nutsack, and that's nutsack.
But it's kind of beautiful, isn't it?
What else?
But yeah, dude, fucking Big Samuel had that van and that bitch wouldn't shut
off.
So you had to keep it rolling.
You had to just go get more gas.
You would siphon gas.
I don't know if you ever siphon gas or ever, you know, given a blow job to a
mechanic.
But you get that hard hit, and then the gas is coming up fast.
You got to get away from the hose.
And if you don't get away from the hose real quick, then you can't, then that
gas will get you.
You get bit by that gas, it'll jump out of the hose and bite you in the face.
And you can't have a cigarette for about a month after that because you'll cook
yourself out.
Oh, man, what else happened?
Oh, I went to a church this weekend.
I actually went to a church service.
It was real cool in downtown in Los Angeles.
I hadn't been to something like this.
It was like a big event.
And it was, you know, and I'm not, you know, sending any, you know, the thing
that I love about an environment that I loved about this environment was just
seeing people, all types of people, 