Name: Great Expectations | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #220
Uploaded: 2019-08-05T13:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Great Expectations | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #220' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Great Expectations | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #220' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-05. Transcript available.

Great Expectations | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #220

You know, I have to pee right now. I gotta, I gotta do some urine, but I'm not
gonna.
I'm not gonna. You ever do that? You got, you gotta do, you know, you gotta,
you just ride that full bag, baby, you know?
I'm just, I'm just like a, I mean, I should be surfing right now. I got, you
know, I'm basically, I'm like, uh,
whatever that surfer guy's name is, just riding that yellow right now. I'm on,
dude, I am full.
My body's full right now of urine, but I'm not gonna pee. I'm gonna ride that
bag and, and stay in the pocket and do my work and do this episode right here.
I'm gonna tough it out. That's who I am today. I'm somebody that's gonna tough
it out.
Damn it.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
Celebrate dark days, celebrate all your things or ways. I'm not even sure what
they say.
in it, but that is celebrate by Spencer Jacob growl, who is a musician. He lent
us that song and, um, and that's a real happening tune and music is neat in
music neat.
Because it's like a, you know, it's something that gets into your body.
It's almost like ants. Music is like ants and they crawl in the ear.
And sometimes the ants are real chill. They crawl slow and they vibing.
And they're from Jamaica and they're smoking that gangi that, uh, they got them
big horse-legged hitters, them giants.
You know what I'm saying? They got them, them big giants.
But, uh, now other times you'll get the, uh, those ants and they, they're
climbing in your, in your sound holes, in your ears and they looking, you know,
they flying fast and they staying busy, them big body, them big dogs inside of
you.
And that's what sound is. Sound is just, it's just really just a ghost that has
a lot of noise in it.
And it just, just gets right into your head. It makes you feel some type of way.
Oh, school. School is back for a lot of families right now. It's coming back.
This is the big weekend. Um, and thank you for checking in.
This is the big last weekend before school.
Remember?
Remember the summer was long.
You had summer camp and you might've went through a little bit of pervity, you
know, what, one day you wake up and your legs a little bit longer.
Or you got a little bit of hair on your kneecaps.
Or you got, you know, maybe you get a little titty or something.
You wake up in the morning and you got a little titty.
And you fell asleep, uh, sans contit, you know, without tit.
But you wake up in the morning and your shirt got a little bit of, you know,
some of your fat is kind of meeting up around your nipple like they smoking a
jaunt.
Like your nipple was like a brown jaunt.
And some of your fat cells kind of met up around it to hit, to get that hitter,
baby.
And that is, uh, a tit.
That's how a tit starts.
And man, we don't get them.
Some guys, we've had, we had a fella that got some wild tits from Tennessee, uh,
last year.
And he got tattoos on him and everything and, but a lot of men don't get, uh,
don't get titty.
You know, a lot of men don't get titty.
But it is school time.
Dude, I remember when school was coming and you got in that last week and
summer was wrapping up.
Like about a week before, I would, I would set my clothes out on my bed.
I knew what I was wearing.
Mom had got us two outfits.
One of them, you know, usually has some jabot jeans or something.
And maybe a, um, a Varnette t-shirt or something nice.
I had my Eastlands, them low top Eastland hitters, baby.
Them foot boats, baby.
Them shoes.
And I'd get them hitters and lay them out.
I'd lay the pants out.
I'd even roll the pant legs up a little like I was, as if my body was on the
ground.
I would lay my whole outfit on the ground and look at that bitch.
And say, damn, that boy, he looks, and he's going to look nice.
And then I'd have my outfit.
I'd have it all.
And man, school came fast, man.
And you had your new clothes, boy.
Dude, and I would, first day of school, I'd get my hair fixed up.
I'd put everything in my hair.
Do I shampoo it?
Do I conditioner it?
Then I'd put a little damn, you know, I'd put some musk powder in it.
I'd put a little gel.
I'd put a little foam.
I'd put a little moss in it.
I'd do it all.
I'd put some baby powder in the sides, boy.
In case the ladies come knocking, this head smell is rocking.
Because, look, a lot of ladies, they want a baby.
That's genetic.
If you throw a baby up in the air and it's little enough, a lot of ladies will
catch it right there in their vajet, bruh.
They'll catch it in that, you know, that vagina net, boy.
They'll just do a headstand and catch that bambin.
Because the ladies want that bambi.
They want it.
Dude, if you put a baby on roller skates and send it by a couple ladies, they're
going to follow it.
And that's 100% science.
So, you know, that's, there's a lot of, you got to know what's up.
So, that's the thing.
If you put a little baby powder in your hair, that's the bait and switch.
They, they smell that baby and then, bam, they get that man.
You feel me?
They get you.
And that's what it was on, for my, everything went in my hair first day of
school.
Dude, I do everything to get the ladies to come around.
Looking at that poif, baby.
Looking at that hitter, baby, that, looking at that frickin' crisper.
I was a crisper potamus, you feel me?
And everything went in my hair.
A little bit of cologne.
I'd even take a hit off that cologne if the thing, you know, because some of
that, that Ralph Lauren, they used to have that Ralph Lauren cologne.
And that shit was probably about nine proof.
And I'd put a little bit, I'd pour, you know, pour a drop in each ear and then,
just get that, get a little hit in myself, boy.
You drink enough cologne, your breath will smell good for, damn, at least two
seasons.
You know, come winter, you just, you just easing off that positive scent you'd
have in you.
And man, that first day, you, my hair had it all.
My hair had it all.
Everything was in there.
I put all, just, trying to put a little ketchup behind my ears.
Anything to get the ladies to look over at Papa.
And it was fun.
Remember the first day of school, you showed up.
And no matter what I had on the outside, but you were all excited, who's doing
what?
Who's got a beard?
Who's pregnant?
Who failed?
Who didn't fail?
Who moved away?
Oh, dang.
Leonard moved away?
Who was Leonard?
I didn't even fucking know him, boy.
Bye, Leonard.
Somebody did this.
Somebody did something.
And you came back to school and you found out, oh, dang, Patrick went to Texas.
How was it?
You know, little Jennifer, she caught a, she caught a couple charges.
She was escorting outside of the A&P.
And you're like, damn, sorry, Jennifer.
And what else?
Little Laveldren got his, he got corn road.
Damn, Laveldren.
That shit looks tasty.
And so everybody brought the tails from their summer back.
You know, somebody, somebody had a nice shirt.
They went to Florida.
Remember that?
Florida.
You see, they had the shirt set, Florida.
And that was the real hitter.
Somebody that went to Florida.
You're like, damn.
I mean, Florida was our moon, you know.
Florida was really our moon.
But there was no, it was so exciting.
But then also it was so nervous.
Because every year that first day of school was like, okay, are the girls going
to like me this year?
You know, am I just going to be the, am I going to be, is any girl going to
look at me?
Is it, you know, what's my vibe going to be?
Who am I?
And sometime I, you know, I come to school and I had bad acne.
And acne is just, I mean, your dick is so wild.
And yet when you're young, your dick is just such an animal.
It's trying to climb out of your head from the inside of you.
I mean, while you're laying there at night, your dick will run up through your
neck up to your face and try to jump out of your pores.
And your pores get all bruised from the inside and that's acne and it shows on
the outside.
And they got a little bit of bust and some of them got a little bit of bust
because that, I mean, you just, your, your, your hormones is so vibrant.
Your hormones, they, you know, they, they're wilding.
And they try, you know, in your dick just scooting around inside of you trying
to bust out of your face at night.
And leaving little divots and stuff.
And that's acne.
And that's another thing.
If you showed up with acne at school, remember, oh, it just broke my heart.
Dude, coming to school, you had a huge zit on you.
That thing was heavy.
Some of them, dude, I had acne so bad.
One time I remember having one zit.
It was kind of heavy on the side of my face.
Like, damn.
I couldn't even, I had to have one of my buddies kind of just pull down on my
other ear, you know, just to keep my head straight.
Because I had that heavy Z, baby, that big zitty.
That baked zitty on my side.
I was fully Italian that, you know, that little bust lump.
That acne, that, that thing's trying to.
Because you were just so horny, remember?
Remember how horny you were as a boy?
As a child?
Remember that?
Dude, our, our, some kid died.
I remember when we went to his funeral, he was erect in a coffin.
Like, damn.
Damn, Wallace is, he's got that death bust in him.
He's trying to bust from beyond.
It was different, different time.
But I remembered, and I know a lot of you parents have your kids going back to
school, and just, uh, my thoughts are with you.
Because I know it's, it's an exciting time, and you guys are looking for a
break.
It's probably been a long summer out there.
And I remember my mom, it was risky.
Every day she would leave the house.
And who knows if that thing was going to be standing when she got home.
Just, just a risk.
She just left a couple dang risk apodomuses just milling around inside of the
zoo that was our home when she went to work in the summertime.
What's going on?
My family was in town this past weekend.
My family came out here, and it was cool.
You know, we went to Disneyland, and, um, and it was hectic and chaotic, but it
was nice.
You know, it was nice, too.
My mother came, my brother, and my sister came.
They brought their children, five total children.
Beautiful children, you know.
And my family's lucky to, uh, you know, have five able-bodied children that are
able to, um, you know, see and, and experience and feel and be creative and,
and laugh.
And just, you know, we're really fortunate that, uh, you know, that we have a
lot of health in our family.
And, um, and it was nice.
You know, my mom was here, and, and it was nice.
You know, it was the first time we'd all ever done something like that all
together.
Rented a house, got a nice Airbnb, and we stayed there together, and it was a
little tough for me because I've been dealing with a lot of stress, and, you
know, sometimes I just have to be by myself.
I just can't, uh, you know, honestly, I was having trouble just being grateful.
Um, and I feel a little sad sometimes because sometimes I go into an experience,
and I want it to be a certain way, you know.
I want, you know, I want the, you know, I want to, you know, I know my family's
coming, so I think, oh, I'm going to be up and at them every morning.
I'm going to be active, and, you know, I'm going to help out as much as I can,
and I'm going to just keep a positive attitude, and this and that.
And then, you know, the weekend, finally the week comes, they're coming in town,
and I've been having to work a lot, and just been overwhelmed, and, you know,
and I don't, I was good.
You know, I was a good son, I was a good uncle, uh, I was a good brother, but
it's never, I guess sometimes I'll just have too much expectations, you know,
and it almost prevents me from enjoying stuff sometimes because my mind has
already created, you know, such a cliff that I can't, the odds of me being on
that cliff or, or being at that, my, my, you know,
my mind has created such a level that, that, that the odds of me, the, my, of
the reality of the experience,
once it comes, being at that level, are probably very slim.
You know, I have this imagination or this expectation in my head that, oh,
everything's going to be like this