Name: Different Kinds of Corn | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #222
Uploaded: 2019-08-12T13:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Different Kinds of Corn | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #222' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Different Kinds of Corn | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #222' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-12. Transcript available.

Different Kinds of Corn | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #222

dude I love popcorn bro I don't how is it it's not a vegetable but
no other I mean corn is but no other think about it no other vegetable can do
that trick
that corn does and just say bam you don't if you look at a thing of corn
you don't know that that magic is in there you don't know nobody if you know if
you know 500 years ago
or even 200 years ago they gave you know maybe 70 people if they they asked 70
people write down
what do you think is inside of this corn I bet none of them write sheer damn
joy magic snack
popcorn that's the thing they don't know what's in there they don't know they
don't know what's in
the kernel they don't know you know people they not you can't always see the
magic you can't always see
that magic and good I ain't boy good I ain't a ring you can't you can't tell me
dude if you put five or
six little popcorns in your hand you can't even feel it that's how beautiful a
little just a little
creature that's a little snack of source and you just let that popcorn climb
into your mouth
and it's crunchy and it's naughty too some of it's strong and some of it's it
pops a little when you
eat it good yeah come on boy but nobody knows the magic that's in there
the people can't you know they just they don't know the magic that can be
inside of of us people
don't know it you know sometimes you just you can't judge a vegetable by its by
its cover really
you really really can't let's go
and we don't even have any intro music today because why I forgot my computer
and that's how
we do it we hook it up and and I forgot it um I just got back in from
Sacramento and uh in Las
Vegas and today's episode though I gotta tell you if your junk is getting kind
of whiskery
sometimes you pull down your pants and you you know when you got you you got
that little
you know the fellas they got that no that uh they got that that it looked like
a little um
anteater they got that anteater and it starts to get a little like it's been um
hiding in the woods it gets a little mangy you got you got a lot of hair a lot
of whiskers
looks like you like your wiener's been kind of going to see fish concerts or
maybe eating grill and
cheese and and I love a grill and cheese and if you haven't had one of these
just my god it's like
somebody just took two squares of bread and just just it's like the lord just licked
each square of
bread and just shut up and just put them bad little bastards together and if
you put two beautiful
pieces of bread together long enough bro they do that they make that grill and
cheese in between them
but yeah sometimes your wiener if you haven't taken care of it it looks like a
it looks like it's you
know been out in the yard it looks like it hasn't been doing stuff you know you
gotta manicure it
and that's why uh support for this past weekend comes from manscaped manscaped
is number one in
men's below the belt grooming look you don't want to take off your uh pants and
it's you know and your
area looks like a like a bunch you know like the like somebody hadn't hired
somebody to do any
maintenance you know sometime you'll see a guy he trim one of it you know one
half of his junk and the
other half you know looks like a damn riverbank and you're like what they even
got a couple trout
lines coming off of it that's not the way to do it fellas so manscaped offers
precision engineered
tools for your family jewels uh and i and look they got a beautiful they got
this one tool it's called the
um the plow and the plow you can really oh man oh my lord lord lord lord lord i
mean you feel like an
indentured servant out there just whacking these hairs away it's real real
medieval
manscaped is forever changing the grooming game with their perfect package 2.0
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you'll find their electric trimmer called the lawn mower 2.0 now 99 of the time
i say as i always do
do not put a lawn mower near your nuts and near your body you know don't mow in
the yard with your
pants down that's brave as hell if you see somebody mowing naked with a push mower
don't call the cops man
pop some champagne because as a man having your nuts out that close to a
spinning blade
i mean there's your bet you're your chance armstrong right there because you're
taking a real
you really put an opportunity a risky opportunity on the line but uh but the
the lawn mower 2.0
it's uh it's waterproof it's skin safe technology it'll protect you from nicking
your sack
you can also create less mess by trimming in the shower now that's beautiful a
lot of things you
can't use that you can't use a you know that electrical deal in the shower so
uh let's not
forget about the crop preserver it's an anti-chafing ball deodorant and
moisturizer because you want that
soft batch you don't want to show up with them um you know them chips ahoy's
really them hard them
you know a couple moles on your balls you want them you want that soft batch so
you got to
moisturize that bag and of course let's not forget about that crop preserver
you already put deodorant
on your armpits why are you not putting deodorant around your newts bro it's
time to get clean with the
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and i'll do a thing i'll bend over because a lot of hair will gather kind of
between
my legs almost along that back strap and if you ever died in a plane crash
something that a lot of
people would eat or cook off of you is that area sadly between you know that b-hole
that back jaw
and your nuts and the baseline of your nutsack where your nuts really just kind
of start where
because really your nuts just at the top of your nutsack is just your body
so they you know your body just kind of turns into your nuts but um but anyway
what i'm saying
i think jesus i don't even know is that um that i get down there and they'll
have a whole bunch of
hair will get right there and i'll get right there with that with the different
tools that
they offer at manscaped and really clean uh clean up my package especially if
you're going through a
divorce you're single you know you're somebody you know you was seeing somebody
they're in a coma now
you got to get back out there so freshen up your batch you know um
but yeah isn't that interesting about corn you would never think it if you look
at it
you would never think the magic that could be in there you would never
and man i go to uh you know we've been going to the children's uh ronald mcdonald
children's center
and doing movie night on tuesday nights and man seeing all the kids they
handicap some of them and
they got you know uh you know ivs going on their arms and you know and there's
some of them are
you know their body they have a deformity but man you break that popcorn out
man
some of them don't even have a full thing oh you five fingers and they and they
but they they
suddenly every hand looks the same when they reaching for that magic
but you don't know a man you don't know the magic that's in a kernel man
and and people don't know the magic that's inside of us or inside of you they
don't know it
but i believe that we all have something special in us uh you know i'm feeling
i'm feeling pretty good
man i had i had some good shows this weekend just got back from las vegas
literally just got back
about an hour and a half ago and uh and man it was fun if you were at that show
whoo people came out people came out and we had a mother daughter that came out
this woman dorothy
and her daughter her and her daughter came out and man it just really makes me
feel good i see the
see some family connections you know to just see a mother and daughter enjoying
something together
and and even though it happens to be my comedy or that they're or my you know i'm
part of their
evening just to see them doing something special together and caring about each
other
um it makes me feel good man it makes me feel like i'm on the right track
that we're on the right track by doing this uh this little this group that we're
doing
you know we had a father son and mother come out and in sacramento the young
guy is a
he's a he does back flips and gravity defying activity you know dark arts i
call it really
you know he worked he do he does he works on a scooter and does that kind of
stuff and
they came out we had a father son that came out in sacramento um
you know we had a guy who came up to me in vegas and he said hey man you
you shouldn't you got to stop being so hard on yourself
and i really resonated with that guy just telling me that and
and people tell me that a lot and sometimes i can't hear it
and that's kind of funny isn't that funny sometimes we can't hear like
70 people will tell you the same thing
but for some reason on the 53rd time there's
somebody kind of breaks through whatever's going on with you and
and you're in a moment where you're you're able to accept it
uh and i had a little bit of that man and
and i just yeah i woke up this morning thinking i'm you know what if everything's
okay
what if i quit this little dirty circle in my head
and everything's just okay
man that made me really feel good and
but yeah a lot of great people want to thank everybody that came out uh in sacramento
over there and
and in um
las vegas
and in las vegas man they had some real
drunks out there boy
they had one dude at the end of the night
he was uh
they had like a little in the hotel
it's probably about 2 a.m they had a
i don't know what it was it was like a
well he thought it was a wishing well
and it wasn't it was like a um
just a
like a
like a wall where they had some water going down it
and it was like a like just you know part of the scenery in the casino they
you know sometimes you'll go over a little bridge and
and this dude's sitting there just making wishes off this bitch i was like dang
bruh
that ain't even
that's just a
you know that's just a
that's just like some design and shit you wishing on
what are you wishing for bucko
so
anyway i forgot my computer that's what happens
here we are
um
here we are
what else what else happened this weekend
oh
oh my back went out i had to go to urgent care
literally right when i got home i drove straight to urgent care man
i'm back this morning i'm putting my shoe on next thing you know
look like somebody yelled freeze remember freeze tag
somebody yelled freeze and you just had to stop
from the waist up that's what i was doing
just buckled down boy
just buckled down
yeah and that was it man everything's pretty cool everything's pretty chill
uh
i think uh but i'm gonna need some help i don't have my computer this episode
so we're gonna get nick in here
our lovely producer uh premature premature nick's gonna come in so he can uh
help talk about the questions and things like that
and uh and we'll just have a little change of pace for today
uh we got sebastian maniscalco coming in uh as a guest this week
man that guy he's so italian isn't he
that's what he says all the time
no that's not it
dude i was thinking they should have more animals right
how many animals do they have 70 animals
like that's sometimes my that's one of my issues with god is
bro
bake another batch daddy
you know you got all the capabilities you got
you know i'd love to see like kind of a unicorn that has
uh
wi-fi in its horn
that's got that fucking hard hitter on the top that router
wouldn't that be great
you can't get wi-fi but suddenly
one of these u-corns shows up
and dude think about a unicorn that's another thing you don't notice how much
magic is in it
that's another type of corn
if
dude imagine the first unicorn walks up
you know somebody
shot that bitch down bro you know what i'm saying
i mean and no offense man but somebody really pop that cat down
boy if you saw a unicorn show up
you'd be like damn boy
i mean there's no way you couldn't think
this h