Name: Drippy Mitts | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #226
Uploaded: 2019-08-26T13:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drippy Mitts | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #226' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drippy Mitts | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #226' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-26. Transcript available.

Drippy Mitts | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #226

I mean, oh yes, oh my god, oh my god, sometimes, somebody's always saying that,
you know, oh
my god, oh my god, people say it so differently, you know, oh my god, papá,
dang, Jesus Cristo,
oh my god, oh my god, a lot of different ways to say that, oh my god, some
people just,
it's all one word, oh my god, you know, some people say, oh my god, Nebraska,
you're like,
no, that's not it, we got the studios looking retightened, and that's producer
Nick, really,
I mean, it's, if you get a chance to look on the YouTube, and just really feel
your face with the
beautiful background that we got going on here, sweet taste of Americana right
here, a lot of sweet
things that people have brought us, and gifts that people have brought us, we
got the strap right
there, TFATK Guest of the Year, two tasks, a lot of nice things, dude, I was
just in the,
so it's Saturday, I gotta tell you that, cause I have to leave today to go to
this, to go out
of town, I'll talk about that in a little while, but I'm in the bathroom here
at the office building,
and there's a man in there, and he is, and I go to the, I'm using the sink, I
do toilet and sink,
I do a wall toilet, you know, for yellow only, and I'm, and then I go to, and
then I hear somebody
in one of the booths, in one of the, you know, the, uh, dookie booths, and I
look over, somebody,
okay, a man, I will say it was a man, because the shoe size was probably more
than, it looked like
at least nine and a half, or more, or better, somebody is facing the wrong way
on the toilet,
you know what I'm saying, somebody's just, you know, cause you know a toilet,
most, I think,
I thought everybody sat one way on the toilet, and then I see this fella, you
know, this little, uh,
this little Olympian, and he's in there facing the wrong way, okay, just
hugging tank, you know,
and I'm just like, damn, this guy, I mean, maybe he has, like, poop dyslexia or
something,
I don't even know, but this guy, you know, and I said a quick prayer for him
inside of myself,
you know, dropped a QP on him, and, uh, and God, I mean, just, you just wonder
how people end up like
that, and this was an adult, I mean, my brother and I, you know, when we were
children, and stuff like
that, and when water was scarce, sometimes if we couldn't, you know, mom wouldn't
want us flushing
the toilet that much, and so we would go back to back on the toilet, and try to,
you know, empty our
bodies out, you know, whoever could do it faster, and then just, you know, do
one flush, but, um,
but to see a grown man, and not see him, but just to see the legs of a grown
man, and know he's just in
there, just hugging tank, boy, I just, you won't see me doing that, you won't
see me just, just gripping
that tank, that booty aquarium, brother, back of a toilet, you won't see me, I
sit face forward on a
toilet, with both my legs out in front of me, like God intended, I ain't out
here,
doing, uh, the devil's work, that's for sure, let's go.
She's got eyes of fire, that burn like a shot of whiskey, and she's been known
to bring a man to
his knees, she'll take all you have, and you never see her coming, she'll take
all you
have, baby, you never see her coming, that's how I know, the devil is a woman,
well, Mr. Johnson knows, cause he saw her up close in the downtown, said, ma'am,
if you
don't mind, would you tune this guitar for me, but she took his soul, and she
broke his heart
just for fun, just for fun, that's how I know, the devil is a woman, that's how
I know, that's
how I know, the devil is a woman, and that is, uh, Bishop Gunn right there, and
just, just
shooting that devil is a woman right in your ears, isn't it crazy that there's
holes in
your head, and think about all of them, okay, let's think about them, you got
ear holes, they
collect sound, so what else collect sound, sponges, um, hallways, I guess, or
like a cave, then
you got, uh, your nose, you can smell, isn't that crazy that you can smell
stuff, you could
in, you can bring air into your face, and then, and then you know that if the
air smells like
something or doesn't, that's crazy, isn't it, think about that, oh, peach cobbler,
you
know, it could be anything, oh, man, somebody, uh, somebody's been burning
rubber out here
while I was sleeping, somebody's been squealing the tires, uh, I love, that's
crazy that you
can just make air come into your face, and then guess, uh, and then you, and
you, and
you know what's, what kind of smell is out there, and that, uh, just, to me,
that's something
we should talk about more, um, what's going on, welcome to this past weekend,
it is Saturday
today, and, uh, and what was I thinking about, oh, I'm thinking about this, man,
I'm thinking
about my body today, and then we have, um, the, our mouth, and the mouth can do
a lot
of different stuff, it's a real, it's really the airport of your head, the
other, you know,
the nose, the eyes do a good bit, a lot of traffic coming in, a lot of color
traffic coming
in and out of your eyes, you know, your eyes are connected pretty much to your
brain, your
eyes are like little color brains that are kind of just loitering outside of
the lobby
of your brain, like they're outside doing a cigarette while your brain's in,
you know,
still on the clock, but your mouth is really like the airport, you know, they
got, there's
a lot of, there's not, there's like a lot of, you know, you got air coming in,
words going
out, tastes, um, you got food, you know, you could be doing a sentence or you
could be doing
a taco, you know, your mouth has a lot of, a lot of in and out, a lot of, you
know, importing
and outporting through your mouth, so really unique that, uh, that your head
has all of that
going on, isn't that amazing?
I mean, your head is like a damn, uh, train station and they got sound trains,
air trains,
uh, color trains, you know, it's just all aboard.
We doing it.
We doing it.
What's going on, boy?
I was thinking, um, I was thinking yesterday about that my skin is starting to
look a little
bit, uh, old.
That's what I started thinking, man.
I was like, damn, my fucking, my skin is getting old, boy.
Isn't that weird?
When you see something in your body, you're like, damn, that's, that shit's
starting to
fall apart.
Like, or if you see like your leg in a picture or something, you're like, damn,
mom, my leg
is fucked up.
I'm always shocked when you see like, uh, when you have one of those moments
where you're
like, oh, wow.
You look at a picture of yourself from a few years earlier, you're like, damn,
I was young,
I was fine as fuck.
But then you didn't think you were fine back then, remember that?
I always hate that.
You'll see a picture of yourself from like seven years ago or even, you know,
19 years
ago and you'd be like, damn, I was attractive and I didn't, and I, and I didn't
have, I just
had no confidence.
I'm like, God, why didn't I know that I was, you know, handsome enough or, or,
or, or, you
know, or fine enough?
It's like, damn, look how nice I looked.
I didn't realize it.
I didn't have that confidence.
I hate that, man.
That boils my damn beef.
That boils my beef.
That makes me upset, man.
But, but not as upset at that, as that dude with damn fricking, uh, dude, uh,
dude in the
toilet on the raw and just hugging that tank.
But maybe he's going through something.
I probably should have checked on him.
I'll check if, if this, if this episode, I'll check at the end.
And if he's still in there, what if he's just, oh, I don't want to think about
that.
What if he's deceased?
Oh, here I am making a podcast, laughing about the guy, you know, who's trying
to, you know,
who's trying to bat left-handed on a toilet and, and the guy's, Jesus, I hope
he's all
right.
Um, what's going on?
Uh, I got some new tour dates to announce to you.
And I know people were upset because of some of the ones that happened and, and
I had to
change stuff for the, uh, doing this movie.
I'm about to leave right now.
Uh, it's actually, it is Saturday.
I had to record this and I'm, uh, I'm leaving to go, uh, over to Atlanta
because when Chris
Pratt said, Hey brother, I need you to come help me fight aliens.
I say, okay, I'm gonna come fight.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna do that because he's already been to the future and help
battle stuff.
And so he knows what's going on.
You know, he's already taken care of some stuff.
And so he needs help.
Um, what else, man?
What else?
What's going on?
Uh, just been trying to rest, trying to relax.
And, uh, and I got a bunch of great calls that came in.
I got some new tour dates.
I do want to announce them.
Um, but first I want to, I want to say this.
Oh, people talking about the Jimmy Johns guy.
Dude, Twitter.
I fucking hate Twitter, man.
Twitter just gotten so lame.
It's, uh, I just don't understand it.
I don't understand, um, why, why, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.
It's just gotten so lame.
I wish somebody would just make a Twitter just for everybody.
I wish, uh, it's kind of social media and, and, and everything were just for
everyone, you
know, for everyone.
Um, there's a lot of fake outrage.
This is one of the things I saw in there.
Fake outrage over resurfaced photo of Jimmy John's founder pictured with a
hunted downed
elephant has caused some people to call for a boycott of Jimmy John's.
Look, if you don't want to eat Jimmy John's, don't eat it, but I'll tell you
this.
I'm eating it.
Okay.
As long as they don't put elephant on the, um, on my turkey time, baby, I'll be
out there.
I'll be out there by the Jimmy John's.
You know that.
Dude, I wear two pairs of underpants, bro.
When I go to Jimmy John's, cause I need something to keep my dick down.
You feel me?
Cause their sandwiches make me damn erect.
And yeah, if you're upset that Jimmy John killed a fucking lion, bro, then
guess what?
Oh, well.
All right.
Now, do I think he should be allowed to shoot a lion with a gun?
No.
I think if you want to fight an animal, you go fight an animal out there.
Mono e mono.
E, E, Annie, Ma, no.
You know what, you know what I'm saying, boy.
Mono, Annie, Mono.
You fight an Annie, Mono.
You don't fight him with a gun.
You're shooting something.
I've said this before.
You're shooting something from 200 yards away.
You and your buddies there, you know, snapping into a Slim Jim, bro.
I'm looking at each other's ass cheeks in one of them little, you know, cages
or whatever.
No.
No, Jimmy John.
You want to battle something?
Get out there and battle something.
And also, yeah, I'd love to see you.
Maybe they should have more exotic meats at the sandwich shop.
Anybody ever thought about that?
Because, yeah, most of the animals he's killing, turkey, tuna.
What do they have at Jimmy John?
Chicken.
That shit is easy to kill, bro.
Dude, I'll kill a chicken with a fucking piece of yarn, bro.
Sneak up on that bitch boy and get him Italian style from the back.
But you're saying, you know, I'm glad to see at least he's moving up to
challenge more hard-hitting animals.
But, and look, dude, if I'm fully honest, I'd have a little bit of fant, bro.
You throw a little elephant on a bread?
Oh, boy.
Get in there.
Boy, that had me a couple cuts of fant, bro, on some fucking, on a brioche roll.
Doctor.
Call the doctor.
Yeah, so look, I'm, I'm, I don't think, I don't think anybody should kill a big
animal like that with a gun.
You want to get out there and fight him face to face?
Then do it.
You put two boxing gloves on Jimmy, and you put one boxing glove on that trunk
of the, um, of that elephant, and let him do it out.
You know, best of three or something.
So, but I mean, you can't hate the guy forever.
I mean, you know, he's fucking selling sandwiches.
Dude, if you sold billions of sandwiches and shit, you'd probably lose your
mind, too, and do something crazy in Africa.
But, I don't know.
I mean, it's just they want to, anything, if it's a white guy doing something,
they're going to shut him down.
So, that's Twitter, basically, for you.
That's basically, uh, yeah, I don't even have a problem.
Dude, t