Name: Tim Dillon & Logan Paul | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #228
Uploaded: 2019-09-05T15:50:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon & Logan Paul | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #228' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon & Logan Paul | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #228' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-05. Transcript available.

Tim Dillon & Logan Paul | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #228

You don't strike me as a person who found it offensive.
No, I mean, me and my friends played with dead people, alive people, people who
were
in the middle, but we just didn't, we couldn't get, you know, we just couldn't
get any, we
couldn't monetize it because we were, we were from the generation that can't
monetize
the sociopathy.
But.
Are you training, man?
Yeah, man, I am.
Honestly, man, your face, your face looks leaner than the last time I saw you.
I lost five pounds, dude.
I got a sinus infection, though.
Not a good five pound loss, though.
Yeah.
I got a sinus, can you hear my nose?
I'm like congested.
A sinus infection make you lose five pounds?
Yeah.
I've been sick for weeks, literally nothing.
You've been sick?
Well, no, I've said I've been, I've had sinus infections.
I've never lost any weight.
I have no appetite.
Wow.
You don't look 100% well, honestly.
Well, it's the key, though.
You know, it's, I'm transforming into something else.
Yeah.
Takes a while.
What are you transforming into?
The next person I'll be.
I don't know.
That remains to be seen.
I hope it's a cop.
I don't know.
It could be.
Somebody who sells insurance.
I hope his name's Garrett.
Yeah.
I hope so, too.
I hope so, too.
Garrett, bro.
Dude, first of all, honestly, number one name
that I cannot, it's just built into my system.
Somehow I can't react well with it.
People named Terry.
Yeah.
And especially if it's a man.
I was going to say, I can get away with the female Terrys.
Guy Terrys, I don't know.
Not so much.
Yeah.
It's just like.
It's a name you give a kid when you want them to have a hard life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Terry.
Little Terry.
Ooh.
Yeah.
We had a little guy named Terry by us, this little black fella, and he would
always drink
milk at the park, dude.
And you had no idea how he got it, and he was always there, dude.
How's he doing now?
I've never seen him.
That's a great question.
That's something to be said.
Yeah.
This is 26 years ago, dude.
And we're always like, where are your parents?
And he didn't even know.
No.
Yeah.
It's almost like he was just born in a bird bath or something.
But who knows, man?
New Orleans legend.
What are you training for?
Are you actually training for this fight?
I know you just did a fight, Logan.
Yeah.
I had a fight last year, August 25th.
And then, yeah, another one this year, November 9th.
Same kid.
It's the rematch.
Okay.
Round two.
So professional fight, no headgear, Staples Center.
It's going to be sick, man.
And you guys think you'll sell it out?
I think so.
Wow.
I think so.
That's remarkable.
It's a big fight.
The whole undercard is professional fights.
Yeah.
It's like your first professional fight.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I'm undefeated.
I'm undefeated so far.
I'm 0-1, bro.
That's crazy.
And you probably beat your brother's ass for years, too, didn't you?
We stopped because we both got...
Have you met him?
Yeah, I met him.
He's big, dude.
The kid's a thick little Oreo.
Yeah.
So we had to stop fighting because we destroy everything in the house.
Right.
When both the brothers get so big that they'll destroy
and destroy everything in the house.
Yeah, chairs, tables, glass.
So we stopped.
So it's been a minute since I was...
And he's got a little bit of Flintstone in him, too, a little more than...
He really does, man.
You know, he's got that, I noticed.
And I couldn't tell if he was like 19 or like 38.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, he could go either way, yeah.
The hair doesn't give it away.
Well, I mean, it's just kind of like...
Just like the high and tight for years now.
But I think he...
I don't know what it was.
He just has...
He reminds me of every guy who owns like a nice boat in Florida.
That's what he reminded me of.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wasn't there a thing where he was going to fight someone, too?
You were going to do it?
And then wasn't your dad going to fight somebody?
So we...
Oh, fuck yeah, dude.
Yeah.
Dude, the whole family was going to fight.
Dude, I hope your dad fights that older black guy.
He's like a...
He's a politician, but he's like from...
He can't even talk.
And everybody's like, he's the best.
And he's like...
Yeah, that's exactly who his dad was going to fight.
It's a good guess.
I want my dad to fight Jussie Smollett.
I think that'd be a good fight.
That would be great.
You know what I'm saying?
That would be great.
Me and GP and Jussie Smollett just...
Dude, that would be...
Throwing hands.
Phenomenal.
Yeah.
Your dad would probably take care of that man.
He would beat that man.
I mean, dude, who knows?
Go on his Instagram.
You'll see all this man does is chop wood
and tie tomahawks to his motorcycle.
Yeah.
Jussie Smollett?
No, not Jussie Smollett.
Not my dad.
He flips tires, he chops wood,
and he ties tomahawks to his BMW motorcycle.
Here's the thing, though.
If Jussie Smollett beat your dad,
you'd have to kill your father.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Like, you couldn't ever look at your father.
No, I know that.
It couldn't.
You know, there's no...
Christmas is over.
Everything's done.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If Jussie wins.
Yeah, that's wild.
It's that Jussie Smollett.
I can't believe if he fought your dad.
Yeah, I think...
Well, like, historically,
he's not so good at defending himself, right?
Right, that's true.
Right, yeah.
Oh, yeah, your dad...
I think you're...
Honestly, dude,
I have no idea what your dad even looked like,
and I think he would beat him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I agree.
Yeah.
But a lot of...
I'm afraid of his dad.
I don't know his dad,
but I'm afraid.
Most people are.
I'm afraid...
A guy that would raise you and your brother,
I think, has got to be insane.
That's a good point.
And will kill someone, you know?
And I appreciate that.
It's definitely a property owner.
Yeah, it's a real deal guy.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
You know?
It's a real deal guy.
That's not a guy...
That's not a music teacher
that didn't bring up these two boys.
You know what I mean?
This is a guy that, like,
smacked you around a little bit.
Yeah.
Made you go out and light the world on fire.
Yeah, this ain't a guy
that owns a bunch of cologne.
No, no, this guy's not.
There was...
No.
He didn't read poetry before dinner, you know?
This is a guy that got into it, you know?
Yeah, this guy who...
And mom is probably also somewhat tough, right?
No, mom's a sweetheart.
Oh, mom's sweet.
Mom's the exact opposite.
So mom goes the other way.
She's like a sweet...
Okay, yeah.
And if you even look at his mom,
you hear an oven door opening.
Oh, yeah.
Because they also could have been raised
by, like, a Long Island mom.
That's...
I could also see that,
like, a tough Long Island bitch.
Sweetheart.
Sweetheart.
Oh, yeah.
And you guys are from where, Ohio?
Ohio.
Yeah.
In old Ohio.
Did you guys...
Were you friends with Roman Atwood?
I was.
I am.
Oh, nice.
Yeah, I still am.
Yeah, Roman's...
Have you met him?
Yeah, Roman's awesome.
Yeah, super cool guy down to earth.
He's a special dude, man.
He's really cool.
Dude, actually, speaking of fight,
they had a thing when I was young called...
And this is, you know,
fag fist fights was a thing.
And it would come to colleges
when I was in college.
And it would be two gay men
and this lesbian lady.
And you'd go watch them
and they would fist fight.
See, college used to be so much fun.
Yeah.
You know, before now,
all this PC shit now,
everything's soft.
Yeah.
That used to be great.
Imagine trying to do that now.
It's called fag fighting.
And we have two gay guys
and it's to first blood.
So the first AIDS blood splatter,
we're done.
Then we're done with the fight.
That would be rough now
to get away with.
Yo, yo,
I'm going to get canceled
just from being on this podcast.
Yeah, yeah, you will be canceled.
That's what we're trying to do.
Watch me say no words
and I'm the one that gets up.
Well, you're above cancellation.
So apparently it doesn't exist.
Cancellation doesn't exist anymore.
It's over.
Yeah, it's over.
Well, here's the thing, though.
That's the thing.
They've been trying to cancel Trump.
Yeah.
They never will.
How'd that work out for you?
He's about to get picked up
for four more years.
Four more seasons.
But isn't it crazy
when you think like
the president was a reality,
I mean, also he was a businessman, right?
And a shady businessman, I think.
Like, I'm not anti-Trump
like a lot of crazy people are.
Like, I don't give a fuck.
You know, I live my life.
I don't, the government
doesn't determine every, you know.
But he's a reality star.
Cardi B was a reality star.
Cardi B could be president.
And she's like the biggest pop sensation.
It's just,
it's all starting to kind of blend together.
Yeah, I think a Kardashian
will be the governor of California.
I'm not even kidding, though.
I mean, I think,
I think you see what Kim is doing right now.
Right.
With the prison reform and stuff.
I think it's going in that direction.
And I gotta be honest with you.
I don't, I'm not mad at it.
Yeah.
I'm ready for the new world.
You know who'd be a sick governor
is Chris, Chris Jenner.
Yeah.
She a bad bitch.
Oh, that guy.
We've got 50 years left on the planet.
Why not have fun?
Yeah, yeah.
Why not have fun?
Oh, wait, hold up.
50, that's it?
Probably.
It's gonna get rough after 50.
Yeah, it's gonna get hot.
We're saying literally,
we're saying literally
Chris Jenner is a good option.
And I agree with you.
Yeah.
It's gonna get rough.
For Christmas,
people are gonna be getting shields.
Yeah, it's gonna be tough.
I mean, there's a lot of tents.
Yeah.
There's a lot of tents.
There's a lot of tents, yeah.
But also, I think in California,
like you go to the rest of America,
everybody's really kind of just enjoying,
you know, things are going pretty cool.
I feel like out here,
there's this spider web,
like everything's falling apart.
Right.
Like, yeah, you do a fist fighting like that,
a gay fist fighting at bars.
Dude, where I'm from,
people would go see it,
have a blast.
Yahoo would make an article about it,
but nobody really fucking,
I don't think is watching that shit anymore.
It's certainly not Yahoo.
Or reading.
Yes.
But I don't think anybody's even reading these websites.
Do you feel like-
Nobody cares.
The mainstream stuff?
Nobody cared about Chappelle
where there's three people are mad at Chappelle's
and then everybody's debating it.
It's like, no, nobody cared.
No, it's the, yeah,
the minority becomes the majority somehow.
Yeah.
Somehow because of like the amplification on social media.
Yeah, it sucks.
But I don't think it's,
do you feel like it's that effect?
I feel like it really kind of falls on deaf ears.
It's like-
I think it's the worst thing now
is if people aren't mad at you.
Right.
Like the worst thing now is if people,
if you're not controversial,
it's almost like you're done.
The opposite of love is not hate,
it's indifference.
Yeah, which is-
Is it?
That's a great quote.
Apathy.
Apathy, dude.
Like, yo, imagine,
imagine like truly no one gave a fuck about you.
100%.
At least you make them feel something.
Right.
I try to get attention all the time.
I tweet everything.
I just tweet out-
Are you that?
Well, I mean,
I tweet out things hoping to,
you know,
to get something and no one cares.
Everyone's like, yeah, that's okay.
You ever rile anyone up?
Sometimes people get mad.
People are caring more now, though.
I think people are caring more now.
Your career's getting bigger now.
Yeah, it's been better now.
Last six months.
Yeah.
You know, I had to really turn it up,
you know, say Meghan McCain fucked her dad.
I had to take it to the next level.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, and then people were like,
oh, okay, we'll listen to this.
Incest will get people to move.
Yeah, I had to say she had sex
with her father's corpse,
and then people were like,
oh, okay.
But here's the thing about incest, dude.
Everybody's like,
oh, no, no, right?
Yeah.
But what I'm thinking about is,
dude, back in the day,
you didn't have,
the only people that lived around you
were kind of family
or somebody that was, you know.
Yeah, close.
And you didn't have,
everyone didn't h