Name: Relationship Animals | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #230
Uploaded: 2019-09-16T13:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Relationship Animals | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #230' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Relationship Animals | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #230' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-16. Transcript available.

Relationship Animals | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #230

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block, get that hitter, baby.
Oh, man.
You know, I was a unreasonable child.
If you'd have seen me when I was a child, I was unreasonable.
You know, I'd wear a tank top sometimes in the winter.
And then I'd just yell at people about how cold I was.
I'm cold.
And people were like, well, you got a tank top on.
And I'd be like, eat my ass, buddy.
So I was that kind of kid, you know, the kind of kid that, you know, I'd wear
like a little rain jacket or something in the re-K or whatever it was.
Pre-K.
A re-K.
Dude, I was in all the Ks.
I was a, I was in pre-K, K, re-K, 3K.
I was in three, that was the, I think at one point I thought it was Ku Klux Klan.
But, uh, but it was just continual, continual kindergarten.
And they spelled continual with a K.
But I was in there, man, and I'd wear, you know, sometime a slicker, like a
rain slicker, you know, like that.
Really, what really should be called the 11th wonder of the world.
And that rain slicker.
Because how, it's amazing how the whole force of nature, rain, can be stopped
by just one layer of slicker plastic.
But I would wear that bastard, I'd wear that bright yellow bastard right in the
dead of summer at school.
And I'd be complaining in the classroom, it's hot, it's hot as hell in here, Ms.
Lewis.
And they'd be like, you, you got a slicker on, boy.
You gotta, you better get that, it ain't even raining, you got a slicker on.
And I'd be like, eat my ass, guys.
I'm, you know, I'm doing my best.
So, I think I was just probably just an unreasonable child.
And I'd be like, oh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't
know.
Every night I lie, every night I lie, every night I feel like a fake, I put on
the show.
Knowing nobody will call me, every night I lose me, every night you sleep.
That is Every Night by Jameson Flood.
That's a music man.
And he sent that in a long time ago, whenever this, when the pod first kicked
out.
When this pod first just, just was that first just, you know, just kind of flowed
into the verse, bro.
Into that uni.
I want to tell you I got some new tour dates back onto the books.
10-4, October 4th in Bethlehem, PA, at the Wind Creek Event Center.
That is back on.
10-5 now.
That's a Saturday.
I will be in Pittsburgh at a theater there.
I don't have the name, but the tickets are all on the website, theovahn.com
slash tour.
Cleveland is back on.
That's October 8th.
The 9th is Indianapolis.
The 10th is Grand Rapids.
The 11th is Detroit, Michigan.
The 12th is Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
And the 13th is Madison, Wisconsin.
And those are just one show a night.
So making some adjustments to get that, get a little more calm.
To get a little bit more calm in my water.
You know, some of the water inside of me, some of my, it's just been, it's been
damn drastic.
Like these hurricanes coming in.
They have a new hurricane.
I think, Yelberto or something.
This thing, who knows?
I don't know.
I will say this.
If they're going to build a wall, let's build it over there on Florida and stop
these.
Because some of these canes are coming in illegally.
I will say that.
A lot of canes rolling into this bastard on the IL, bro.
And that's short for illegal.
I got information here too, man.
I'm not going to do the film in Atlanta.
So it, I got there, did the training.
Everything was cool.
And the part was just for the amount of time commitment and for the sacrifice
of shows
and of other stuff I have going on here.
Once I saw the part, it just wasn't for me, it wasn't, it was too much on the
scale of, oh, you can't, you can't be there for eight to 10 weeks for this role.
So the role just didn't fit.
You know, I thought about it and talked with, you know, people I trust and
friends and people who are, have more experience than I do for a few days and
got that, you know, communication.
I got straight communication with others and, um, and that was that.
And then I just made that choice.
I talked to, to, uh, the director, um, talked to Chris Pratt about it.
And that was that, uh, and that was my decision.
Um, there was no ill will.
There was no bad vibes.
Um, you know, it was just, uh, at some point I just had to trust my instincts.
It was just like, oh, for me right now, this role, you know, um, and I didn't,
I didn't get to see the script before I went.
So there wasn't the opportunity for me to see what my part was going to be.
And I think there was a little bit of miscommunication, um, but I don't think
it was anybody's fault.
Uh, and, and that was that.
I'm thankful that I was able to, uh, decommit without causing any problems.
And I'm grateful that I even, you know, was considered and that I even had the
opportunity, um, to do it.
You know, I think there's some parts about it that I'll miss out on doing.
You know, but it was just the time commitment for, uh, the stuff for this, for
the role, for what the role ended up being for me.
Wasn't, it just didn't work for me.
It didn't work for me.
Um, and some people will be like, well, you know, you, I mean, you got to take
it.
It's a movie, but you know, I have a lot.
I mean, I have, uh, you know, I already have enough kind of responsibilities
going on and, um, and that was it.
That was just a choice.
I had to trust my instincts, you know, I had to trust my instincts and that was,
uh, and that was it.
So I'm bummed, man.
I had, you know, I had visions in my head of eating hot dogs and stuff with, uh,
with Christopher Pratt's and doing, you know, maybe, you know, having a second
hot dog or sitting and chatting.
And, you know, conversation going well, we're talking about baseball or
something or having a couple peanuts or something.
And I had, you know, visions like that in my head, you know, us doing something,
maybe going to a, I don't know, doing, you know, throwing coins in a wishing
well or something and just hoping for the best.
Or, you know, maybe, you know, maybe, um, I had visions of us, maybe, uh, you
know, driving in like a Jeep or something, but nothing wild or anything,
nothing sexual or anything like that.
I just had, you know, fun ideas in my head, you know, or maybe us, you know,
doing, you know, nothing crazy, but just looking for, you know, maybe looking
at art or something, you know, somewhere.
Or, um, you know, or maybe throwing those, uh, circus peanuts, those beautiful
little, you know, orange, you know, soft, hard hitters, throwing those into
each other's mouths and stuff from kind of close range, but then getting
further and further apart, you know, you know, until it got too dark out to see
them and throw them back and forth and catch them in your mouths.
But, uh, but, but, but, but, but, but, you know, that's that.
And, and, you know, I, yeah, I know that like, if I get to be in a film or
something, it's not going to be, you know, it isn't, it isn't my movie, you
know?
Um, but I do want to be able to be in a role where I feel like I can at least
do some stuff that you get that my personality maybe works well in.
Um, and, yeah, and this wasn't anybody's fault.
It was just sort of, just kind of, you know, I just had to trust my instincts
and stuff once I, once I was able to, you know, read the part and look at it.
And I still think Christopher Pratt's probably one of the top, you know, 15 or
maybe, I don't know, you know, 18 or even probably, I don't know.
I bet he'd be on God's fantasy team though.
And so, you know, that's all good.
And communication was, there was a upfront communication and, um, and yeah,
hopefully there'll be, maybe be some other opportunities.
Uh, we'll see, you know, uh, but that, you know, I just had to kind of trust my
instincts.
And we, and, and, and if I sound down right now, well, it's because.
Drew Brees got hurt, man.
He got hurt.
And, you know, you could just, and it's so funny.
And I was watching the game and the St, the, uh, New Orleans Saints and the Los
Angeles Rams, who most people don't even, have not even heard of that team, but
they were going at it.
And it was exciting right in the beginning.
And, and then Drew Brees got hurt.
And it was so funny.
I would have rather watched when the camera would cut to him.
You got to see somebody, you know, here he is, he's 40 years old and, and the
injury looks kind of like it could be bad.
You know, he couldn't even pick up a football.
And it just, uh, he couldn't even grip that fricking pig, that little, that
little, you know, deceased brown pig.
Isn't it crazy that a football is a pig, that it used to be a pig.
And now it's just, you know, they cut off the head and tied off the ends of it
and put those white, you know, tried to kind of give it some white stitches or
something by the liver.
And now they're throwing it around, man.
I mean, this, you know, we think we're so far removed from, um, what is it
called?
Uh, not the ice age or something, but, um, bestiality.
No.
Um, you know, we think we're so far removed from, I don't know what it's called.
Neolithic, the Neopale, uh, old days, the old days.
Let's agree with that.
We think we're so far removed from the old days, but then here you see, you
know, a bunch of guys throwing around that, um, just throwing around that.
That little ripped up swine chunk.
And you're like, damn, we are, we are still, we are a little bit stuck in the
past, you know?
Uh, but, uh, what was I talking about?
But yeah, but Drew Brees got hurt.
And at some point I was enjoying, not enjoying, but I was, there was more,
every time the camera cut to him, man, it was just so much, it was more
entertaining than the game.
Because I was watching this man who had, you know, this was a man who had the
world on his back and who you could tell how, just how determined he was and
how focused he was in every game.
Like, he's playing the game, but he's also playing this bigger game.
Like, what he's doing right now always seems like just a move in a grander
scheme of his life.
Like, and he's able to do both at the same time, it always seems like.
Um, and you were just seeing him, just how limited he was by the, by the, by
the moment.
You know, you could see him and he couldn't, and how limited he was by his
vessel, by his own body.
He couldn't grip that hand, he couldn't close that hand up.
And he couldn't grip a football and he couldn't express himself.
You know, when you started to just see a man that was limited by, you know, it's
like even whatever that desire, that fire inside of us, that, that want.
You know, where it's all limited a little bit by the, the, the reality, by the
actuality of what's going on by circumstance.
And, and man, that was a much greater game to me was just seeing the look in
his eyes, the mental game that was going on inside of him, trying to hold his
composure and trying to.
Trying to almost in the moment, find out who he was when suddenly he was.
You, when suddenly the, the path he had been on came to an abrupt, like there
weren't any more, there was no more path for, it just came to a, like a cul-de-sac.
And you were trying, he had just so much energy, so many people behind him, so
many, I mean, so many Saints fans, you saw him winning a championship again.
You saw him, you know, you already had these visions of him, like hugging his
kids again under the, whatever that is, paper, the paper, the little paper rain.
Fuck, man, my brain is stalled out, dude.
What is my brain, a Datsun?
This shit is, this shit needs oil.
But you saw him stalled out, the confetti.
You saw, you know, and you just saw, and suddenly everything stopped, man.
All of it, it just, and you saw him trying to find out for a, or that's what I
saw.
I saw a man struggling to know who he was at this moment when the world had
taken, you know, a different, a different turn.
You know, when, when the reality that whatever we want always isn't what's
going to happen