Name: Feel Armstrong | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #232
Uploaded: 2019-09-23T23:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Feel Armstrong | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #232' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Feel Armstrong | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #232' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-23. Transcript available.

Feel Armstrong | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #232

What's up, you little dirty Griswolds, huh?
You little onomatopoeias, you smoky little almonds.
Damn, boy, that smoked almond.
Isn't that crazy?
Isn't that crazy that that happened to an almond?
He was living his life and maybe he hadn't, you know,
you know, done right by his wife
or he hadn't really taken care of his family 100%.
But to smoke him, you know,
to take him out back behind in an alley
and put a damn gun to his little,
to his little pointy little head just
makes you wonder what's going on, man.
You know, but I'm here.
I'm here, you're here, we got this,
you little crispy wiggas.
Who's ready, huh?
Let's get into something.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
That's where you turn that slow dance into a fast dance, you know?
Shake a little bastard by the waist right there.
You just look.
A little time for me to set that parking brake
and let myself all wild.
Shine that light on me.
P.G., baby.
Let's get it.
Shine that light on me right there.
That's Bishop Gunn with Shine.
And they got that.
They got that ear hitter right there.
They feel you.
And we feel you here.
Every week.
Every week.
Welcome to this past weekend.
I hope you are doing well.
You know, I hope you,
if you're doing something,
I hope you got a shirt on.
Or don't have a shirt on.
You know, I remember when I was young, bro.
I used to love taking my fucking shirt off, boy.
Dude, I would take my shirt off all the time, bro.
And sometimes at inopportune times or wrong,
they call them wrong times.
You know, I'd be at school and the lady give me a little
second serving of them mashed patates.
And I'll take my damn shirt off, bro.
It was almost like a way that I showed my gratitude to things.
You know, I remember they had a guy used to drive down the street
over there on McGee Street in our neighborhood.
And he was a rich man.
This man was really rich.
And he had like a nice car, like a,
I don't know what it was,
maybe like a Buick satellite or something.
I mean, the thing had damn,
it looked fancy, bro.
He had a couple probably stars and a damn half a galaxy in the trunk of it.
He just was wealthy.
Well off, they called it.
Well to do, they said.
And he would drive down the street and he was a veterinarian.
And he would throw, he threw a lot of animal carcasses and stuff out of the
vehicle.
Cause he knew, you know, he likes, they would be in our ditch and stuff.
And I think he just, something inside of him.
I think he felt like he was giving back to the, you know,
to the lower class or he was doing something.
Or maybe he just, you know, like throwing, you know,
you know, animal carcasses out of the damn, out of a nice vehicle.
I don't know.
But, uh, what was I telling you about?
Damn, dude.
Um, but yeah, sometimes when I, I'd be out there and I'd see half of a,
you know, half of a rooster hit the ditch, you know,
or I'd see, you know, maybe four fifths of a, um,
of a lamb or something hit the ditch, you know,
a lamb body.
And I would take my damn shirt off, bro.
Show some respect.
You know, there was just something about when you didn't have anything really
to show people.
Sometimes you just show them your bare skin.
You just show them your young chest and your belly button.
You do something.
You think, well, damn, I owe some level of gratitude.
Or in class, sometimes the teacher would teach us something real good.
You know, I remember one time they said lightning.
They said lightning, uh, was made up of the same stuff that a rainbow was.
And, um, and I, it was hard for me to understand.
And then, then, then the teacher said that a lot, that lightning was just an
angry rainbow.
And I fucked, dude, I stood up on my desk and took my damn shirt off, bro.
You know, and I damn saluted that shit, that fact, that that teacher was
filling me with the facts.
Because I need them sometimes.
And there was a way where just kind of disrobing yourself or showing your chest,
your young chest, to a, as a thank you.
When you didn't have anything else to give somebody, a card or a, you know,
a little couple of monies or something.
You know, nothing like that.
But it's coming up.
It's the end of September.
I'm going to Maui tomorrow.
I'm going to Maui.
So if you think about me, you better think about me in Maui.
Guess who's going to Maui?
Wow, me.
You see what I did there?
Maui and Maui is a place off of the coast of America and Hawaii.
And it's really, dude, you see people out there.
They got, they'll do all, it's very Polynesian.
And Polynesian, some people think that means if somebody's Polynesian, it means
they, you know,
their arms are on the wrong sockets or whatever, you know, but it's nothing
like that.
It means kind of like, say if, you know, like a flight, like a flight of like
kind of Asian people.
Like a, say if a Chinese flight crashed into a, like a, like a pineapple stand
and everybody lived and started a community, that's Polynesian right there.
And so I'm going to go over there and I'm going to spend some time, just get to
the beach, relax, you know, let my skin just, you know, my skin has been so
tight on my muscles that I just wanted to just kind of let go a little bit.
Sometimes it almost feels like my, my muscles in my skin are just doing sex all
day because they're just so gritted up.
But I'm happy to relax there at the beach and get a little sunshine, going to a
yoga retreat place.
So we'll see, dude, you know me, bro.
I'm like fucking bail out of that bastard in 30 minutes, but I'm hoping for the
best.
I'm hoping to go over there and have a good time.
I got to tell you, I got a couple of dates coming up.
Bethlehem, PA on 10-4 and 10-8 in Cleveland.
And October 9th, Indianapolis, October 10th, Grand Rapids, the 11th, Detroit,
the 12th, Milwaukee, and the 13th, Madison, Wisconsin.
The Maryland, the Oxenhill dates have been, are going to be rescheduled.
I'm not sure when yet.
And Sayersville, New Jersey will be rescheduled.
I'm not sure when yet.
So that's what's going on.
The reschedules, the other reschedules may not be till next year, but that's
what's up.
Man, I remember going to the beach when I was young.
My mother would, and my mother liked to wear a bikini.
Sometimes she would open the windows and sit over there by the window and have
a little beer and do a bikini.
And, you know, when I was kind of a mama's boy and I didn't have a, you know, I
couldn't wear a bikini or anything like that because I was a male, you know, I
was a, you know, a male that was, you know, more interested in, you know, in
chicks and stuff.
And so, but I remember one time I made me a little yarn.
I took a yarn and two bottle caps and made me a little bikini, you know, and
kind of had, you know, had my sister tied in the back and just wore that little
bastard.
You know, because I just, you know, my mother was around.
I think I just wanted to be like her, you know, I wanted to be like my dad, but
he wasn't around.
And also he was, you know, 70, 80 years old.
So if I was being like my dad, I was just taking naps or looking for something
that I was never going to find.
Or what else was I doing if I was being like him?
I used to go sleep at the park sometimes.
My dad liked to do that.
Sleep at the Burger King.
You know, just enjoying life, really.
Having a little, sometimes my dad would make me sneak in there and get him a
little tablespoon of mayonnaise and he would eat it off.
Just dip his finger in it and eat it and watch an episode of Three's Company or
one of those detective program.
He liked a lot of that.
He was old fashioned like that.
But my mother used to take us to the beach.
We would go to the first beach.
I went to Biloxi Beach.
And this place, the beach is really, the water was always illegal.
You couldn't get in the water.
They had signs up that said, you know, the test came in and this water is, you
know, pregnant or whatever.
I mean, that water was, you stay out there for an hour.
Some of the fish would come out on two or three legs and go get a job.
It was that kind of, they called it illegal water, I guess, or something.
It was just, you know, they'd have, the water would look, it had to look like
oil.
It looked like an oil spill and they put some sand around it.
That's how the water was.
And it also had this foam, this kind of like the, like, like the water had been
brushing its teeth and it just had a bunch of kind of like toothpaste on the
side of it.
But we'd get out there and make little shapes and stuff and we, you could still
do a draw in the sand and you get sunburnt bad too.
But, and they had fish and some of the fish, like, like they had been through
some tough shit.
Like, some of the fish look like they were in, like, MS-13 or, you know, you'd
see a little fish swim by with, like, a bandana on, you know.
And he's like, oh, pescado, honks.
You feel me?
Pescado.
I'm like, whoa, bro.
Relaxation, man.
Because it was just, you know, they had so much chemicals there in Biloxi.
So we, you know, when you went there to the beach, you couldn't, you could get
in the water, but you couldn't stay that long because it would feel like your
skin would burn.
Or it would feel like something was kind of trying to sneak into your body
through your elbows or through your belly button.
And mom used to even make us put something over our belly button or put a piece
of gum.
If we had a big gum, we'd put that in our belly button so that the, you know,
if the water was real bad or illegal or something, it didn't really taint you
up or, you know, get into your body.
But, but that's not going to be the case in Maui.
It's going to be a little bit different over there.
And so I'm excited about that.
What else is going on?
Oh, Chris D'Elia.
You saw this.
He did a thing on Instagram where he was talking smack.
Okay.
And I got something for you, Chris D'Elia.
I got, there you go, daddy.
I got that little clap back for daddy.
Okay.
I got that little clap back for daddy.
And so I want to talk about that.
I want to talk about, we got a lot of some good questions that came in.
People talking about the Bill Burr episode.
We had that gentleman inside, you know, the ginger to remember.
You feel me?
And he was in here the other day.
And, and what else?
We got a lot of good, a lot of good calls that came in.
We're going to get to a few of those.
Yeah.
So I want to get into, I want to talk to, I want to respond to that Chris D'Elia.
You know him and he's really, my God, dude.
If you've ever, I mean, if you've ever had something just, if you ever had your
shadow,
some of them you'll see if you're standing outside and you look next to
yourself, there's
something real dark right there.
And that's not a, you know, this isn't a racial thing or anything.
It's your shadow.
And if you've ever seen your shadow, sometimes if you look over real fast, you'll
see it,
you know, doing something, doing something naughty, you know, maybe looking at
a nudie
magazine or, you know, doing one of them, um, clove cigarette, you know, we're
doing something
real nasty or something or touching his little dark little wiener.
And that's Chris D'Elia right there.
You know, he lives on the North side of a tree.
You know what I'm saying?
And he's that, he's that, uh, he's that, he's the dark art and he's a dark art
man.
And he came at me, brother.
He came at me.
And, uh, and I want to talk about that right here.
I want to play, uh, here's a clip of, uh,
of what he said right here.
Oh, I also want to talk about this one more thing before we go.
So Theo, my buddy, my arch nemesis on this podcast thing made fun of me for
canceling a show
because of, because you did, because I couldn't get there.
Literally couldn't get there.
And you know what?
Actually, let me say this, man.
I will never cancel a show.
Cool.
Here's what things I will.
That's a great soundbite.
That's a great soundbite.
Let's see what he's doing here.
I have some news for you.
Theo didn't cancel a show.
Theo canceled his whole European tour a week before it happened because he got
a movie.
So not only di