Name: Cleveland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #235
Uploaded: 2019-10-07T13:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cleveland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #235' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cleveland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #235' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-07. Transcript available.

Cleveland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #235

Oh, good to be back. You hear that sound out there? Somebody revving their car
and two people fighting over a thing of, it looks like a thing of, like one of
those flame logs, a fire flame, you know, one of those Duralogs.
Yep, it looks like two hearty, hearty, hearty lesbians out there fighting over
a damn Duralog in the street and somebody revving their car at the same time.
I'm in Cleveland, man. I'm at the hotel. I'm back from Maui.
If you hear that, that's just that calm that's inside of me. Hey, I'm back from
that Maui.
We, you hear? Oh, hell yeah, boy. Somebody just, somebody, you heard it?
Somebody won that log.
Somebody got the fire all themselves. Uh, mahalo, aloha, uh, konnichiwa, bahalo,
uh, Madagascar.
I'm back. I'm that back of Lantern, baby. Put that candle in me because I'm lit.
Let's get into it.
Um, there's a song that I was, uh, I just found out from a band called North
Mississippi All-Stars and they, uh, they've tuned into this past weekend and
they have, uh, a lyric from, uh, from, from the podcast.
It's kind of that they put into their music. And so I want to play one of their
songs right now.
It's called Drunk Outdoors off their new album, Up and Rolling. And this is the
North Mississippi All-Stars.
Um, let's go get drunk outside. Bumpin' the trunk out the trunk. Let's go get
drunk outdoors.
Ready to better dance floors. Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Now we're cookin' with gas on the front burner. Now we're cookin' with gas on
the front burner. Hot wind gas station down on the corner.
Cookin' with gas on the front burner. Cookin' with gas.
Comin' the trunk out the trunk. Come on.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
You guys got to check the tune out and they really get into it, man. And that
band right there, that is, uh, North Mississippi All-Stars.
And that's a new album they got out there. It's in the out, in the out, in the,
in the universe, in the atmosphere.
And you can go and check it out.
And that is, uh, that is a, a song.
And I hit the man up, Cody Dickinson, on his, on his Instagrams.
And, and I, and I said, hey, is this true that, that you guys heard this on the
podcast?
And he said, yeah, man, we love it.
And so it just really, I mean, it just made my balls growl a little, you know,
that, all right?
Um, yeah, I'm back. I'm back from Maui.
Oh, I had a good time.
Look, if you don't know, if you're, you know, maybe 40% sure or something, if
you're going to heaven.
Cause I think most people are, if they're really honest with themselves, they
come in at probably about 40%, you know?
So if you're about 40% sure that you're going to heaven, then you could go to
Maui and Maui is like kind of, I mean, it's, dude, there are times I closed my
eyes and I said, dang, man, if people, this place is going to give heaven a run
for its money.
It just, I mean, it's romantic.
You could be by yourself and it feels romantic.
Dude, I felt like every, every time the breeze came by, it was trying to just,
you know, just trying to get me back to its room.
It was just that kind of, just that kind of spirit.
There was just something, you know, and the water will come.
You'll be laying there taking a nap and you think you slept, you're laying far
enough from the water.
And about, you know, maybe 18 or 30, you know, 30 or 60, 50, kind of 40 minutes
later, that water will start licking at your fucking feet.
You say, dang, what's up, bucko?
So it's, you know, everything there is trying to, you get home, you have some
of the beach will be in your pants, some sand.
You're like, what is it?
Who is it?
What is it?
You're like, I hope this is, you know, some female sand.
And I don't want no, you know, male sand trying to get in my pants, but you
take your pants off and a bunch of sand will jump out of your pants.
You say, well, damn.
So just Mother Nature, that's where she really goes to just get on.
I mean, Maui just wants to love you.
And it really just wants to love you.
And, and, and I stay, I noticed after a bit that the, the ocean will start
doing your hair for you.
Yeah, dude, I had, at one point, I had like a little thing of algae right above
one of my ears.
You know, you got a little conch over there on the left.
It's just like, you know, I look like kind of like, you got like a little seahorse
kind of just hanging off that backsplash.
I mean, it's, I look like, you know, shunk, like, you know, like a conch quisha,
you know, just out there with just, just the, the ocean and everything will do
your hair for you.
But I had a wonderful time, man.
I had so, I, if you haven't been to Maui, I totally recommend it.
And they say there's different islands.
And I want to go back there and do a, um, a show soon.
And I want to go to some of the different islands over there.
Uh, and a people just, people, a lot of people, I did think this, I felt like
there could be, even though it's very wonderful, it's definitely seems like a
place where some people that might have done a crime would go to hide.
It's got that kind of crimey, hidey sort of vibe, you know, um, but, but, oh,
it was so good, man.
I just took a week and relaxed.
And then I, um, I got back into town and just decided to take last Sunday off
of, uh, of the pod.
And yeah, I just wanted to have a little bit of, you know, just have a little
respite, they call it.
Get a relax in and just get that feeling in my body.
Um, you know, sometimes your body feels like it has like kind of a little bit
of more comfort in it.
So I was trying to get, you know, a touch more of that comfort for myself.
Um, what else?
And now I'm in Cleveland.
I'm in Cleveland and they got a couple of, uh, they got some hardy, they got
some hardy humans out here.
Cleveland, Pittsburgh over there.
Yeah, the show last night in Pittsburgh.
And who came out?
So people I know, Steve, uh, my boy weak Steve came out and you, I don't know
him for years, dude.
And Steve, bruh, um, he'll be shaking your hand.
You don't even know it.
That's how weak he is, bruh.
It's baffling.
This girl dizzy came.
She's always, people think she's dizzy, but she isn't.
So she's got that.
People are always like, are you dizzy?
She said, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
You know, she's always, you know, kind of dusted out.
She's like one of those little dust muppets, you know, and she's always, uh,
you know, she never really been, she don't have a comfortable relationship with
gravity.
That's kind of how I feel it.
Because most of us, you know, we're gravity addicts.
If you find, you know, most of us, you think, you know, you say, hey, what are
you doing?
You're doing, I mean, we don't talk about it, but everybody's doing gravity.
Everybody.
But, but this dude, dizzy, when she gets out there and she, she ain't really
doing it as much as everybody else.
So she's, you know, kind of living, she's kind of like that, uh, she's kind of
like a Native American when it comes to really force fields and stuff.
You know, she's kind of doing her own thing.
She's kind of working freelance when it comes to natural pull, the natural pull
of the world.
Um, what else?
Uh, what else is, I feel like, so I want to tell you more.
More about Maui.
I'll probably wait till I get back into the studio, I guess.
What did I do?
I went there.
Oh, let me tell you this.
You go to mama's fish house and they got, it's in Maui and it's nice.
You get there.
You're like, oh, it's too nice.
You know, it's real.
It's kind of, it looks fancy.
Dude, right when I got there, I thought to myself, I want to steal something.
I want to go.
That's how nice it was.
That's my initial reaction.
But instead, whoo, sit down, relax.
Even if you're by yourself, get your little non-alcoholic beer, you feel me?
Get a, um, one of the crab cakes.
I got the crab cake.
That's it.
Get one crab cake, unbutton your pants.
Welcome to Palestine, son.
Shit is fundamentally good.
It was, it was definitely one of the best meals I ever had and I was by myself
too.
And, um, yeah, when I'm by myself at a restaurant, it's, I start to, you almost
start to freak
out a little because you start wondering if people think you're like in witness
protection
or if you're, you know, people kind of look at you like maybe your spouse just
passed away
or something.
They give you that, you know, they maybe give you a little extra bread or
something, half
an extra little, you know, baked, uh, you know, little, little, uh, croissant
piece or something.
Cause they think maybe your wife's gone.
She, you know, they think so, or, you know, you, they think maybe you don't
know what you're
doing with your life.
If it is interesting, if you go to a restaurant by yourself, people kind of
look at you like,
God, maybe he, you know, you know, maybe he's still trying to do skateboarding
or something,
but, but he's too old for it.
Um, oh, one of the things that got me at the restaurant was the guy trying to
upsell me
on a soup.
Look, don't, don't, I don't need it.
Don't the guy, you know, he's like, oh, they got Omegas in the soup.
Dude, I don't give a damn if Voltron lives in that bitch, dude.
I don't care if I want the soup, I'm getting the soup.
You know, he said, it's got a rare carrot base.
What the hell is that, buddy?
That's nothing, dude.
I don't care.
Brian, I don't care if you open my mouth and just drag me through Mr.
McGregor's garden.
If I want vegetables, I want vegetables.
Just don't upsell me on it.
You know, he's telling me, he told me, oh, we sprinkle the top of it with
secrets, bitch.
Don't care.
If I want the soup, I'll get the soup.
You know, I don't like being upsell with trickery words.
You know, oh, this, you know, the, the, the Harry Coveyre was blessed by a cleft
palate wizard.
I don't give a dang, bud.
Do not upsell me with the BS.
Just give me the facts.
What is it?
Is it soup?
And if I want it, I'll get it.
Yeah.
And that was it.
I went to Pittsburgh last night.
Went to Bethlehem out there.
This dude came out.
One of my boys from back in the day came out.
He's three months clean off Duster.
Y'all know Duster.
You know, the keyboard, you know, kind of helps you keep your keyboard nice.
So he's got three months clean off that Duster.
So that was, you know, it was kind of nice to, you know, just embrace him.
And we would always do that sound that in his ear all the time, you know, just.
Just to freaking, you know, get him squirreling a little.
Just to let his branches shake a little.
But we had a good time in Bethlehem.
I hadn't been on stage in a couple weeks.
And it's kind of like, it kind of gets a little nerve.
I guess, is it nerve wracking?
Yeah.
It gets, because you've built up this immunity kind of.
You know, the more that I'll be on stage, the more immunity I will feel a
little bit.
Or at least just the more confidence builds up until you're just, you know, it's
like you've been training almost.
And then you take a couple weeks off the train and train.
And yeah, it was, and it's nice, man.
And it was really, really relaxing.
And Bethlehem was great.
The show in Bethlehem was really, you know, it just.
I guess I'm just amazed how many people come out, you know.
And especially since I, you know, changed the dates and then changed them back.
I just want to thank you guys for coming out and supporting me.
And just so many nice people.
I mean, everybody was just really enjoying themselves.
I met a lot of people before the show.
We did meet and greet after the show.
And then, and everybody that wanted to come.
So we had a good group.
And I think a lot of people left, but a lot of people stayed.
And, yeah, it was just, you know, it was nice.
It was nice because sometimes it's like, you know, with this job, you feel like,
okay, well.
And I guess since it's kind of new for me, it's like, okay, well, you know, if
I go to the club, are people going to be, you know, if I take a break or take,
you know, you know, like take a little break or take some time off, are people
still going to be there?
And, you know, it was