Name: Good to Be Back | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #237
Uploaded: 2019-10-15T06:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Good to Be Back | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #237' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Good to Be Back | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #237' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-15. Transcript available.

Good to Be Back | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #237

You know I am boy. You know I'm that little titty kitty. You feel me? Meanwhile,
you know sometimes I think about just covering my body in rare fur and just
kind of milling around on a couple of, you know, titties.
You know them sternum nuggets, baby. Them big dogs. So that's where I'm at
today.
Oh, I want you to know that today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block
Pizza and Gray Block is a beautiful pizza establishment.
If you've wondered what it's like to have something Italian inside of your face,
inside of inside of your fricking little flavor hole, then that's great.
Then that can't that can be Gray Block Pizza. They've got Italian choices for
you.
Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block Pizza. Get that hitter. Let's go.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
My feet on dirty dance floors.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hitter.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hitter.
That is North Mississippi All-Stars and that's their new song, Drunk Outdoors.
And when you do that, when you do actually do that and you drink outdoors, it's
really one thing that's really.
That really when when I would drink outdoors in the past, that brought me a lot
of joy was being able to urinate immediately.
You know, inside, if you're in a domicile or you're in a homestead and you have
to urinate or you have to pee out.
You have to usually find a special area to pee, special area to drop water.
But if you're outdoors, you can piss, you know, you can flow out wherever you
can piss out wherever.
And it's very normal.
Animals will see you urinating outside and they're not kind of, you know, you're
not whispering to other animals, you know.
Oh, look at Gary's wiener, you know.
Or he, you know, he, oh, you know, Tiffany has a real, you know, she has a real
weak stream, doesn't she?
You know, animals will not communicate with, they're not, they're not up to as
much chicanery and as much, they're not making fun of you as much.
Whereas indoors, if you're indoors, you got to pee, the dog follows you, you
know, the parrot, if they have a parrot.
It's like, you know, looking around in its cage, wondering where you went, but
secretly knowing that you've kind of snuck off to urinate.
And that's one thing that I do enjoy about, about, if you are going to drink
anything outdoors, Kool-Aid, water, milk.
Milk doesn't make as much urine because your body steals a lot of it.
But water, soda, pop, what else?
Carbonated water, carrot juice, other juices.
Those things can create, you know, a full, decent blast of urine.
So, oh, good to be back in the studio.
I just flew in.
I got on this Nicaraguan hitter that somebody gave me.
A beautiful young fella.
I can't remember his name.
And it was him and a couple of other Ragwans showed up over there.
And this was in Milwaukee, outside of that Pabst Theater.
And, man, it was the sweetest gift.
You know, and this fella said he grew up over there in Nicaragua.
Nicaragua.
And it just made me think of my dad growing up and when he was a kid and what
he was doing.
And my dad said when he was young that kids over there, they had a lot of
poverty.
And poverty, you know, that's when you, you know, you don't have, you don't
even have a wallet.
Because there's no point in it.
It's not, a wallet wouldn't even be anything.
It would just be, it would just be, just something like a little sack kind of
this.
Like a really kind of rectangle sack.
Because you would never have any money.
And they, and he said, and my dad said that the other children sometimes would
have to eat dirt.
Because they had so much poverty.
And their bellies would get big and large.
And, and I always thought about that a lot.
You know, because I would eat dirt sometimes.
I never had a lot.
I would have a limited amount.
Because that always was in the back of my head.
Thinking, oh, my belly could get real large.
So, and I didn't want to be that kind of, you know, kind of fat and dirt and
have dirt in me.
So, but thank you for this beautiful shirt.
Thank you.
It was, this past like nine days has been crazy.
I mean, you go, it started out in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
You go there and there's just, right when I got to the casino, the Wind Creek.
You know, just a lot of wonderful people in the lobby and getting to meet.
And then one couple had matching outfits and they were, you know, and the
fellow was just real nervous to meet me.
And he was like, kind of started tearing up and stuff.
And so, I just locked arms with him.
You know, I locked arms with his, you know, his big beautiful ass.
And we just stood there and just kind of held each other.
And that shit was, it was beautiful, man.
It was beautiful.
It definitely, you know, I felt like just part of the Lord's homework right
there.
Like something was getting done.
And then what else, man, we went there.
Then we drove over to, I don't even know, Philadelphia.
I don't even know.
Through Amish.
We saw a couple Amish.
And we didn't sneak up on them or anything.
We stayed chill, looked at them from far off.
You know, Ari Maness was out there with me and he had them binoculars.
And so, we'd, you know, we'd drop scope on some Amish and just, you know, watch
them.
Nice.
They were nice people crossing the street is what mostly we saw them do.
And that's it.
We wanted to spend more time out there outside of Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
That's where the Amish are really milling around and kind of, that's where you,
you know,
if you want to get a good recipe or something or that's where you kind of sneak
in there
and you meet a lady and you can, you know, it's hard to kiss them.
I think it's almost, they don't, you got to almost sneak up and kiss them real
fast.
But, and then where else?
We went through Cleveland.
Wow, that was crazy.
Cleveland was crazy.
We went out after the show.
That show was crazy.
It was a Tuesday night.
It was almost 2,000 people.
And, and, uh, went to Indianapolis.
Then we went to Pittsburgh.
Oh, Pittsburgh, that's where we went.
And we went, went to the bat, the football game.
And the Steelers, boy, you talk about people enjoying.
And you see people out there that got a little bit of chipped ham on them.
Everybody's talking about chipped ham over there by the stadium.
Oh, you want some?
Oh, you need some chipped ham, honey?
And I thought chipped ham, I thought it was a guy at first.
I'm like, who, where is he?
You know, chipped ham.
Bring his ass out here, dude.
I want to meet this guy.
Uh, but it's a meat, it's a meat choice.
And people were making it.
And you saw, uh, yeah, people eating.
A lot of people licking their fingers out there.
Over there in Pittsburgh.
They, bang, bang, bang.
Bang, bang.
And that was probably the rowdiest crowd of the week, was Pittsburgh.
That was probably the rowdiest squad.
And where else, uh, finished off in Milwaukee and Madison, which were two of
the, uh, two of my, two of the best shows, really, I thought, of the week.
Uh, Detroit was pretty wild.
So, it was just so much happened at once.
It was just such a crazy, you know, we got this tour bus, this real small tour
bus.
And it was only about $200 a day rental.
And Irie Maness slept in it.
He's sleeping in there and, you know, he said he wanted to, honestly, he said
he wanted to touch women in there.
And I told him I'd allow it, you know, during nighttime hours and as long as it
was, uh, consensual.
Because we don't, you know, we got enough of the dark arts going on, on, on our
own side of the bed.
And, um, and man, I think I got, you know, there was a moment in the week where
I was keyed up and excited.
And then I started to, like, I kind of forgot that I was, you know, that I, I
just, I just kind of lost a little bit of, uh, not focus, but I just realized,
oh, I have to really, I was just having trouble, honestly, just be finding
gratitude and being grateful.
And I don't know why, man, it made me so, it made me mad.
You know, I want to be grateful and just feel the joy of, uh, of just every
moment of, of life if I can.
You know, I want to see people, you know, you know, see a couple of, you know,
you might see a couple of little, uh, thick little fellas over there tickling
each other or something.
Or sharing a bowl or something or doing, you know, you know, you see some, uh,
you know, a couple at a table and maybe it's their anniversary and they, you
know, divvying up a couple of raviolis.
And I want to be, I want to, I want to, I want to, you know, enjoy all the
moments of life.
And so, uh, so yeah, I really kind of after Indianapolis, I kind of had a
moment of like regrouping and stuff and, and after Detroit and tried to really
just say, you know, just really focus on trying to be grateful.
And just, uh, cause I want to feel the joys of the world, man.
I really want to feel them.
You know, I don't want to be, and I think I started to feel a little bit bad,
dude.
I was doing a little bit of masturbation this week.
I don't know what happened, but something about you get into Ohio, you just
start kind of jerking off.
I guess I do.
And I didn't expect it.
You know, I'll watch a Browns game or something, or I'll see, uh, you know, I'll
see, um, the, uh, the Cavaliers on TV and I don't think about touching myself
or anything, you know, being real unique with my dick or anything.
But then I got into that state and I just couldn't stop just, just doing it,
dude.
And I was just, I don't know.
I just, you know, had a little bit of a setback there.
Um, and once I started doing it, then it's like this downward little, you know,
kind of spiral where I'm just kind of pleasuring myself and not really, but
just not feeling great about it.
So anyway, I mean, it's the dark arts tour.
And sometimes the dark arts really bites you right in the fricking back of your
nuts, you know, where nothing's ever supposed to put its teeth.
And I kind of feel like a little bit of, that's what happened.
Um, so with that said, man, that's, you know, I'm back, I'm back.
And I'm just so thankful that so many people came out, man.
It just, uh, you know, it just really just blew my mind, man.
You know, and sometimes I think part of it is I just feel like I can't do
enough to.
Like, no matter what I do, it's not going to be enough to show my gratitude.
You know, it's like, there's no way I can.
I mean, I try, I try hard, but it's like, it's just tough.
It's like, how do I show my gratitude to all these people at one time?
Uh, so I just want you to know that.
Thank you very much.
You know, and I care about the stories that I tell and I care about the
performance and, and I had a good time, man.
And I hope that I can repay the favor to all of you guys for coming out and
supporting me and just making me feel welcome.
Um, and it's quick as one city to the next, it goes, you know, it goes.
And, uh, let me think of some highlights we had.
Ari got stuck at the gas station in, uh, in somewhere, Wisconsin, and we left
him back there.
We didn't know.
And a friend of mine was telling me that, uh, her husband left her at a rest
area one time for seven hours.
She'd gotten out to urinate or whatever, and he, uh, thought she was resting in
the back of the camper.
And took off.
And he left her there and she didn't have any shoes on either.
So that's pretty.
And it makes you wonder, well, what kind of guy leaves his wife at a rest area?
But then it doesn't make you wonder that much.
Cause I could think of a thousand guys that would do that, you know, drop Susie
off over there by the fricking, by the RA.
But then it also makes you wonder, well, what kind of lady gets out of the rest
area barefoot?
Where millions of people are driving by sheerly to stop and urinate on the side
of the road.
So it definitely seems like those people are, at least they know that they are
right for each other.
I think that's an easy one.
Oh, I saw my arch nemesis in Detroit.
You know, my buddy, but 