Name: Jay Mohr 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #239
Uploaded: 2019-10-23T13:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Mohr 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #239' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Mohr 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #239' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-23. Transcript available.

Jay Mohr 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #239

He'll be appearing at the Addison Improv this weekend in Addison, Texas,
next weekend at the Houston Improv,
and the week after at SideSplitters in Tampa, Florida.
He is from countless movies.
He's sports shows.
He's my brother in a lot of struggles,
and he was our first guest,
and I'm happy to have him back here.
Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Mr. Jay Moore.
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
You will be doing fine.
You will always be doing fine.
Yeah.
You will always.
Like, when I just came in, you were like,
I said, it's a jungle out there.
And you're like, there's some just, it's just dirty dogs.
Yeah.
And I'm like, but we're always going to win because we're the champion dogs.
Yeah.
I was telling you about like, I didn't tell you.
There's dirty dogs out there.
But we're always going to beat them.
Yeah.
Because we're game.
Yeah.
Dog fights are always, I told you I was going to tell you this.
The perception of dog fights in the United States is so misconstrued because of
Michael Vick,
like shooting a dog and electrocuted it and throwing it in a pool and putting
it in a fucking headlock.
They did all of that, really?
Oh, yeah.
I didn't read all of that.
I read the first page.
They just abused the dogs.
And people in the United States that have dog fights, they're not good to the
dogs.
But if you go to places where it's legal, like the Philippines or Brazil.
Oh, yeah.
They're champions.
The dog feeds a town.
He's Muhammad Ali.
Yeah.
So you can't mistreat it.
Like the dog has to cut weight.
Right.
It's got to eat the most spectacular food.
It sleeps with its handler.
If two pit bulls are fighting and you go to break them up, it's going to bite
your hand
unless it knows you and loves you so much, it would never bite your hand.
So you can't mistreat the dog.
It would bite you, right?
Yeah.
So people think they fight to the death.
They don't.
What happens in a dog fight, this is from Sam Sheridan's book, A Fighter's
Heart.
They let the dogs go.
They fight for a few seconds.
They pull them apart.
They make the bets.
They let the dogs go.
They fight for a few seconds.
They pull them apart.
They bet.
This goes on for three hours.
Wow.
It's like a mating dance almost.
It keeps going and going like five hours, six hours until one dog doesn't come
out.
The other dog keeps coming out because he's game.
That's the dog that wins the dog fight.
The one that just keeps coming.
Right.
You lose a dog fight by going, ready, go.
Like, as soon as that dog pauses, it's over.
So finally, one dog's just like, I'm chilling.
I'm done.
I'm not struggling.
Frisbee only.
Like, he kind of, and the owners are like, go, go, go, go, go.
But it's over.
So like, it's called gameness.
Wow.
A dog that's game is always going to win.
Sometimes they'll die because they're too game.
They don't know they're losing.
They just keep coming out.
They just keep coming out.
They just keep coming.
And a good dog handler will take his dog out because he knows the dog will
never stop.
But you and I, we're game.
Yeah.
We have gameness.
That's all we know.
You just keep coming out.
It's going to be fine.
That's true, man.
You're going to win.
Yeah, I'm almost shoulders first a lot of times.
I'm just going forward.
Right.
You know?
Yeah.
It's like, yeah, I'll just keep going right back into the fire.
People are like, dude, you have Vaseline all over you.
We're just in there.
And I'm like, ah, I got to go back in there, man.
That's an illegal substance, man.
Yeah.
I think I left something in there.
Dude, and yeah, I can't believe it.
That's a beautiful thing.
In Philippines, you go there and they got a dog probably sleeping on like a,
you know.
They sleep with the owner.
Oh, Jesus.
They sleep with the handler.
That's fucking unfortunate.
That's sad, but.
No, no.
Why is that sad?
I mean, I just think it's.
That dog's the whole cash cow for a town.
Yeah, I guess you'd probably want to keep it with you all night then.
Look, when that, they have to.
They make sure no one messes with it.
They feed it like Kobe beef and lean proteins.
A lot of fish, I bet.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
They don't get dog food.
Yeah.
They're prize fighters.
They're actual prize fighters.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, you wouldn't fucking just feed Evander Holyfield graham crackers, you
know?
That'd be insane, bro.
Hey, I got you some saltines, real deal.
And you want some potato salad and saltines, man?
Saltines.
Ritz crap.
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
Graham crackers?
Graham crackers, man.
I didn't know why I tried the top of it.
It was perfect.
Yeah, no, saltines is fun to watch, though, because he has kind of a darker
complexion, and seeing
a saltine go into his mouth is more of a...
You're so thirsty.
Yeah, it's more of a unique look.
What's going on, man?
Good to see you, bro.
How's the wrestling going?
How's coaching going?
It's my favorite thing in my life.
You look jacked, kind of.
I'm doing good.
I wrestle every day.
Do you?
I'm not going to tell a kid to do something I'm not doing.
Yeah.
Because the way we were coached doesn't work.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, in high school, 84 to 88, and then college for briefly, 89, actually 88
still.
Where'd you fight, indoors or outdoors mostly?
It was in the gym.
It was like, you know, you just roll the wrestling mats out in the gym, in the
wrestling room at
Rockers.
Oh, yeah.
And it's like, coaches go, my way or the highway?
You say that now, it's going to be a real packed highway.
Those kids would go, oh, really?
Yeah, they got their phones.
They got their apps.
I mean, they're getting laid.
Wow.
Like, we didn't have any life when we were in high school.
I didn't.
Oh, no.
Especially wrestling.
Those kids were just beating the acne off of each other, it looked like.
And it's year round now, too.
So, it's like, you're with these kids for four years, 12 months of the year.
Like, three, two hours a day, three hours a day.
Then you see them on weekends, on a tournament, takes like 10 hours all day.
They'll get sick of you really quick if you're like, my way or the highway.
Basically, I just coached the way I wish I was coached.
Oh, wow.
I just try to communicate with them.
Tell them I love them.
That's cool, man.
But, yeah, I'm not going to go like, do this.
Throw the front headlock and I'd rather just show them.
Can they do, what are some of the new moves people are doing out there?
Like, what's kind of like the new, is there some?
No, there's no like new moves.
It gets a little like, we call it funk.
And once in a while, there's some funk, like this new like thing where you do a
weird.
And it's just, it all circles back to the, it's, you know, single leg, double
leg, front
headlock, spin behind, get you two points, half Nelson, one-on-one arm bar.
It's all, you know, cradle, cradle, cradle.
It's all the same shit.
That's crazy, man.
A lot of strategy, huh?
It's kind of like high-speed chess.
Yeah.
And like, the sooner you can get thinking out of their heads, the better they'll
be.
Like, you want them to sense.
Like, if I'm on bottom and a guy's on top, I can sense he's too high and I can
roll him.
But I'm not like, okay, if he gets too high.
Right.
You can't.
You're death by thought.
You can't be out there with like a yardstick, you know, trying to figure out
where the guy
is.
If he gets too high on his ride, I shall roll him.
Now, is it homoerotic out there?
Do you see a lot of young, is it like a lot of, do you have any transgender
wrestlers or
anything like that with you?
No, we got girls in the room now.
That's very popular.
I love it.
Is it?
Yeah, I love it.
Because they're never going to get assaulted in college.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
Like, you got a 14, 15-year-old girl in the wrestling room and you realize
every day
you're keeping her, like, you're teaching her and keeping her from being
sexually assaulted.
Yeah.
Some guy in college is going to be drunk and try to put her on a mattress and
she's just
going to be like, later.
Put the rear choke in, rear naked choke, huh?
Yeah, man.
It's great.
You can be fully naked and fucking choke somebody out, too.
Yeah.
You know why I love it, actually, Theo, the most?
Because, look, I'm an addict.
Everything's an addiction to me.
Like, fishing.
I make fishing an addiction.
Yeah.
I don't know what one of anything is.
But part of being an addict is I like to give with conditions.
So if I send you like a thank you note, I think I might have told you this
before,
or a couple weeks go by, I'm like, why didn't you hear anything from Theo about
the thank
you note?
Then I start building a little resentment, like, what's with Theo?
He can't even thank me for sending him a nice note?
That's not why you send somebody something.
Right.
So in wrestling, in the wrestling room coaching, it's the only time I'm selfless
because they
can't give me anything back.
They can't give me anything back except feeling good about themselves.
Yeah.
Wow.
So it's the only, I found a room two hours a day where I am selfless.
Oh.
And I get nothing from it except a kid going, oh, wow.
Like, I am better than I thought.
And it makes me cry.
Damn.
Like, I drive home sometimes with tears in my eyes.
That's cool, man.
Good for you, dude.
Good for you.
Good for you.
I'll get you in there.
I'll just say you're my son.
Yeah.
I'll just say tall, troubled, disabled.
I got like three kids in there with mustaches.
Yeah.
It's a charter school.
I got Mexicans.
I got kids coming in from South Central.
I got Johnny Z got a mustache.
Cesar got a mustache.
Little Anthony's got a mustache.
Little Anthony always has a mustache, dude.
I love Little Anthony.
Any city you go to, Little Anthony has a mustache.
Even if he fucking was snuck into his fucking stepdad's room and cut part of
his beard off
and used honey to fucking put it up above his lip.
Little Anthony's brand new.
He's like 105 pounds.
He's a freshman.
Always is.
He talks like Luis Guzman.
He's like, listen, where do I get wrestling shoes?
Papi, listen, what?
He didn't call me Papi.
I was like, where do I get wrestling shoes?
Like, because I'm wrestling in socks with the ladies.
And is there any guys, do they have any finishing moves?
Do they dance after or anything like that?
Has he gotten to that point yet with wrestling?
No, it's really just, you know, he can't like dance and shit like that.
It's still mono-y-mono, huh?
Mono-mono when you're done, you know, you shake the other kid's hand, you shake
the other
coach's hand.
Wow.
The other kid comes over and shakes your hand, you wave to the coach or
whatever.
Some kids are bent out of shape about it.
That's awesome.
Which y'all's team name?
The Panthers or what is it?
The Dolphins.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Really?
There's a school chant like, everywhere we go, people want to know who we are,
so we tell
them every day, it makes me laugh.
We are the Dolphins, Mighty Mighty Dolphins.
And I'm like, really?
We can't change that to Pally Wrestling?
Yeah.
Pally Wrestling?
Pally Pally Wrestling?
Mighty Mighty, because a Dolphin's not...
Yeah, a lot of Dolphins, and Dolphins get caught in a little net.
A Dolphin's a gay shark.
Yeah.
It really is.
A shark is a straight, you know, a Dolphin's just like, hey, woohoo, ah, blowhole.
Dude, if a cop pulled a Dolphin over, dude, I bet it would have a bunch of
fucking nuts
inside of it, a bunch of man's nuts, you know?
I wouldn't be shocked, is what I'm saying overall.
Yeah, man, that's wild, bro.
Dude, I'm so jealous in a way.
I'm so...
Why?
That's awesome that you found that thing, that you have that place to be selfless,
man.
Two years ago.
I just did it two years ago.
Dolphins are dangerous animals that could rape and kill your baby.
Yeah, if I put my baby in the fucking ocean.
Yeah, dude.
One of these nitwits out there with that, you know, trying to get the, you know,
that
saltwater baby.
Trying to part its hair with a fucking water wave.
These people are out of their minds, man.
But that's Palisades, dude.
No, no.