Name: Pyramid Scheme | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #240
Uploaded: 2019-10-28T13:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pyramid Scheme | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #240' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pyramid Scheme | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #240' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-28. Transcript available.

Pyramid Scheme | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #240

You feel me, baby? I ain't no one-time line, baby. You know it.
I'm that cinnamon lemon, daddy. I'm staying season-y.
You know, I'm staying seasonal, so.
Welcome.
Very spoo-
What was that?
Oh, that was my stepmother.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What was that, dude?
That was an ant with an axe.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Wouldn't that be scary, dude, if ants,
they had a bunch of ants with, like, little bitty axes, you know?
And they were just like,
we want crumbs.
It's Halloween.
It's the time, baby.
What's that?
Oh, that's just a cauldron.
That's a cauldron, bro.
And we had a guy at our school named Cauldron Patterson.
Young urban fella and beautiful guy and did a lot of art.
Not art, but he painted, like, houses and stuff like that.
He ended up getting into house painting.
Happy Halloween.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Somebody's getting slapped.
You notice that?
You can hear it's like a cool beep,
but then somebody gets slapped every couple seconds.
Right there.
Damn, they've beaten that person.
Ooh.
Oh, bitch, go.
Ooh.
That's kind of...
Oh, man.
They'll slap a damn jawbreaker out of your mouth right there,
that thing.
That's the werewolf dance by Martin Landhuh.
And that is...
I know we've all heard that sound, that beat.
That sounds scary, but also a little bit of domestic dispute kind of tickled in
there with the slappy.
Ooh, let's stay haunty today.
That sounds a little like Dexter,
like Dexter's going to do some Halloween, and you know, maybe listen.
A little Dexter-y right there.
A little trick or trauma with Dexter.
Can you imagine if Dexter showed up at your door?
Dude, I would...
It wouldn't be good.
What are you going to give him, dude?
You're going to have to give him your soul, because that's what he's going to
get.
Dude, Dexter was such a good show.
How good was Dexter?
And then you got some other show.
You know, like Larry and Abishola or some bullshit.
What else, man?
Ooh, let's get into this little thingy.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh, that's kind of boring.
Here's one.
Let's do this one.
Oh, that sounds like somebody about to take their tits out at like a real nice
Wendy's or something.
Real upscale Wendy's, and that means just any Wendy's that has, you know, two
doors on it.
Because everybody knows I've been in a Wendy's out here in Los Angeles over
there, Santa Monica, and one of the doors is missing.
You know, one of those in and out apparatuses, doors, is missing off that there
Wendy's.
And if Dave Thomas were alive, he would shit in his apron, because that's no
way to go through it.
Happy Halloween.
That was a little bit of intro music and just, you know, getting people keyed
up and everything, and that's that.
And this is it.
This is it.
We got the studio decked.
If you get to check this out.
Nicholas, premature Nick, and if, I don't know if there's anything more, you
know, the coffin, you know, that's when the coffins open.
You know, the thoroughfare is there, and people can, you know, spirits can come
and go as they will.
And a premature baby, and that's what producer Nick, you know, got here early.
He came into the world a little bit early.
And he's doing well.
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean, the guy's doing really, really well.
And he's out of Wisconsin.
He's a Wisconsin man.
And if you get near him, sometimes you can smell a little bit of milk on him or
something, you know, just something, you know, you could definitely, I mean, he'll
wake up out of a dead sleep cheering for Aaron Rodgers.
So he is from Wisconsin.
Happy Halloween to you.
I hope you hope this week have everything you want in it.
Some trickery, some ghost.
Dude, when I was young, a ghost was like one of the top costumes.
Some dude would be a ghost.
I remember one guy, this guy Little Carlton, and he didn't have, I don't know,
he didn't, he couldn't walk that good.
Or he didn't want to.
Honestly, bro, he was lazy.
So he didn't, you know, we'd all be walking somewhere, and he would kind of
just kind of give up and just stand, you know.
He'd prefer to stand or lay down.
Or sometime my friend Shep, this big guy, he would carry him.
And I remember, who the fuck was I talking about?
I don't even remember, man.
But I'm going to have me a little snicker, boy, you know that.
Dude, and I've already had two, so.
Happy Halloween to you.
They got the ghosts are going to be out.
They got, and they got a lot of different ghosts now.
Oh, that's what I was saying.
When I was young, they had rare, you know, limited costumes.
Very limited.
And Carlton, one time, I remember this dude was a transmission.
That's what he was.
And he put some type of metal or something on him and poured motor oil all over
himself.
And we were like, dude, what the fuck, man?
But, but he was beautiful, beautiful kid.
Had real beautiful cheeks on him.
You know, sometimes on a child, it's almost like the Lord just fucking Botoxed
him.
With, you know, just put like a, just a, some warming, just a little bit of
lava or something in their cheeks.
And Carlton had that he had beautiful ass cheeks, too.
And I wish he wouldn't have been so lazy because more people would have seen
his cheeks.
But when you're that lazy, you don't run across as many people as you should.
Because you're not out making the rounds of the world.
Oh, yeah.
Spooky.
I wonder what sound I would make if I'm dying, bro.
If I'm dying, dude, I'm not making like a.
I don't know my last thing.
I don't know what I would do.
Some chicks would be like that, probably, dude.
Some of these thoughts out here.
You know, some of these.
Frank and thoughts out here.
They'd be like.
Help me go to heaven.
You know, what would your last sound be?
You'd think.
If you had a last sound, what would it be if you had a really.
Because it's your last.
The last noise you're going to make in the world.
The last thing that's going to reverb out of you.
What would yours be, you'd think.
That's dumb.
That's a bad one.
That's a tough one.
That's not that tough.
You got to have a tougher one than that.
Nah.
Nah.
That might be good.
But if people.
If you do that, you're probably not going to die.
If you have that much energy to do that sound.
So it would have to be a soft.
Maybe like a little whistle or something.
Like a.
Maybe a dog runs over.
That's kind of beautiful at the end.
You lay there and you drift.
You know.
And then the dog runs over.
I remember in college, I got fired from radio station for blowing a dog whistle.
You know, one of those dog whistles that only dogs can hear.
Allegedly.
I mean, who knows if they fucking can.
But.
But I got fired for blowing one of those on the radio station all the time.
Because people would complain.
You know, like.
I can't listen to Foo Fighters.
You know, because my damn Labrador hates your.
Your, your, your audio network.
You know.
Oh, I can't even listen to this thing.
You know, I'm trying to call in and get y'all to play some juvenile.
You know, I'm trying to play back that ass up.
We out here.
At my god cousin's funeral.
And we trying to play back that ass up.
And, uh.
And they got, you know.
And they got six stray dogs showing up over here on the dance floor.
So I don't know, man.
Y'all need to tighten up over there.
And, uh.
And that's what it is.
How do I, uh.
What did I do this weekend?
This past weekend, man.
Thank you guys for being here today.
I do want to tell you some dates that just are coming up.
Very excited.
Lafayette, Louisiana.
December 26th.
At the Hyman Performing Arts Center.
And a portion of the proceeds to go to Dustin Poirier's Good Fight Foundation.
Uh, very excited to see that.
Dude, Dustin called out, uh.
You know, um.
Nate Diaz on.
It was hilarious.
He's in the hospital bed.
Because they took part of his hip or something.
They put him a damn.
I mean, I think they're going to replace his hip with a damn chainsaw, bro.
That dude's going to be cutting people's heads off.
He's going to have them, you know.
And then he'll probably get a job doing reforestation or timber.
So, who knows?
I mean, that dude could be, you know.
He could be fighting by day.
And, you know, he could be fighting at night and doing, uh.
And building.
You know, and doing.
Working at a lumber yard.
Working at it over there.
DeWalt.
Or something.
Uh.
During the daytime.
But.
Uh.
And he was talking shit to, um.
That man.
Nate Diaz.
It was hilarious.
That shit was hilarious.
Dude, if you go read their conversation back and forth.
It was pretty funny.
But it was also kind of respectful, too.
It was pretty cool.
Um.
Yeah, this is it.
This is a great time to get out there.
Do a costume.
You know, when I was young, they didn't have as many costumes.
A ghost was a popular deal.
Especially in our neighborhood.
You had to get a spare sheet.
You know what I'm saying?
I remember having.
I remember asking for a sheet for, uh.
My birthday.
Just to save that bastard.
So I could ghost out.
You know.
And some people.
You know.
A lot of kids.
You know.
If you had a sheet.
A lot of times.
You didn't really.
You know.
Some people called it more of a.
Uh.
Bastard drapery.
Because you didn't usually have a daddy or something.
If you was just out there in a sheet.
I remember one kid would put a sheet on.
And put like a little rope around his neck kind of.
And he fucking forgot to cut the eye holes into it.
Hell yeah, dude.
Ran outside and got attacked by a bunch of fucking stray dogs.
So you gotta.
I mean Halloween.
You gotta think.
You know.
You have to.
I mean cut some face holes and stuff.
But I remember getting in the mask.
Remember you would put the tight mask on.
It'd be so hard to breathe.
You'd be like trapped in there.
In that tight ass thing.
Pressing into the back of your head.
That little.
And if you have one of them cheap ones bro.
Especially from the.
If you got something from like the pharmacy or whatever.
Your dad got you that little outfit.
I remember my dad one time got me and my brother.
He accidentally got us both.
Raggedy Ann.
Instead of Andy.
And so we were both out there.
Like just a couple of straight up sugar bitches man.
Looking for candy going door to door.
Hey little lady.
People saying.
I'd be like.
I'm a guy.
I'm a guy.
I'm Andy.
But I'm just.
I got the wrong.
You know.
Suit on.
I got my sister's dress on.
That was the shittiest man.
Being locked in that damn little fucking.
Face fucking prison.
Dude that little plastic mask.
That bitch cuts into your head.
You try to stick your tongue out the little breathing hole in there.
People dying.
Dude they.
Yeah.
You put that thing.
That mask on.
You can even breathe sometimes.
Some people die.
Some guy.
You know.
He put it on.
He died.
Like damn bro.
Where's Leonard.
You know.
And he's at the funeral.
And they got on the death certificate.
Raggedy Andy on there.
Frankenstein.
They don't even fucking look for his real identity.
Just wild man.
Different time.
You know.
Different time.
Dude.
I remember one time.
When I was at Halloween.
My dad had gotten.
You know.
Because my father was.
Senior citizen.
Hold on.
I'm going to have a snicker real quick.
Because I deserve it.
My God.
My God.
When you get a little snicker boy.
It's just like somebody just threw a big old.
Fine piece of ass in your mouth.
You feel me.
My God.
I love that little snicker boy.
And I'm on the minis right now.
And by Christmas.
I'll escalate up to a damn full bar.
I'll go mini.
Then I'll go them baby snicker.
And you know.
And I'll go full bar.
I don't do them big king size.
We got one in here.
From like a damn museum or something.
Or the kind you pull over on the side of the interstate.
In Missouri.
To take a picture of.
With your cousin.
You sit him up on top of it.
And get a picture of him.
But.
What was I talking about?
I don't know.
Oh.
So one time I remember my dad.
He was a senior citizen.
And that's like.
As much citizen as you can be really.
And.
He's probably about maybe 75.
77 maybe.
I don't know.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Maybe he was almost about 80.
But.
And he got the bad.
You know.
He got.
His blood work or something came back wrong.
Or they gave him wrong blo