Name: Sadie Hawkins | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #243
Uploaded: 2019-11-11T14:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sadie Hawkins | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #243' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sadie Hawkins | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #243' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-11. Transcript available.

Sadie Hawkins | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #243

You know, I always have felt like life was happening at me or to me.
And the other day somebody said, hey, you know, life is happening for you.
And it really gave me a softer, just put me at ease.
Like somebody just hit a quilt just under my skin suddenly, you know, just like
somebody just wrapped like a million gooses just around my neck or something.
It just made me feel more comfortable hearing that.
That life isn't happening to me, it's happening for me.
Because I always had this pressure that I'm just standing in the wind.
And I don't even, and nobody else can even feel the wind, but me, man, I'm like,
it's windy.
I'm always just standing in the wind, but there really is no wind.
It's just me thinking that life is happening to me.
But life is happening for me, man.
We got this.
Let's get this.
A couple different ways to say it.
A few variations for you.
Let me take you right here on this little hit.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pain.
Man, I wish I could dance.
All of your demons exercised.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Oh, yeah.
Right there.
And you know I'm not a DJ because I cut the song off real hard like that.
I cut that song off.
You know, a DJ really kind of fades.
Like, this is what a DJ would have done right there.
A DJ would have done this.
Just kind of faded it out.
That's not even that good.
Jesus.
What's up?
I could have never been a DJ.
Dude, we had a guy when I was young.
This dude named John.
DJ John, that was his name.
Or DJ Ice Cold or something.
Or Cold Boy or something.
Or, you know, DJ Freezing or something.
I don't know what it was.
It was just something.
It was around the time when ice was like the cool term.
Like, Ice Cube was a rapper.
Ice T.
Basically, a lot of rappers were named out of things out of the refrigerator,
kind of.
And they had a guy named John in our town.
And he was the only dude that had.
He got like the first CD changer.
And he would do all of the.
He did funerals.
He did weddings.
He did school dances.
Everything.
This guy was the music man.
And he had an old.
It was like.
He had a horse trailer.
You know, a lot of times you see a horse trailer on the interstate.
When somebody's moving a horse somewhere or stealing a horse.
A lot of times it's stealing.
Kids always wave at the horse like it's not being stolen or something.
And he had a horse trailer and he would put his stuff in the back of it.
And he would show up, dude.
And he had some speakers.
I mean, one of the speakers was probably about 15 feet tall, bro.
I mean, that thing.
If you just set something on top of it, nobody could ever see it.
And that's really how much hype was on that sound piece.
And he was the man.
DJ Ice.
I think it was Ice Boy or something.
I don't know.
He had the shittiest name.
But in a small town, first person to get a speaker is suddenly the DJ.
First person to get that six-disc shuffler, suddenly you got a business.
And that, you know, a lot of times it's just the first person to get there
really is the one to get it started.
You know, you really become that.
He was really the Christopher Columbus of sound in our town.
And he'd show up.
Things that were real normal before suddenly he'd show up.
You know, you'd be at a funeral and suddenly you'd hear some fucking pour some
sugar on me.
Or you'd hear,
Informer.
I love that, man.
Dude, this was the time of year they had a dance when I was growing up called
Sadie Hawken.
And I don't know who Sadie Hawken, I think was someone who had.
I guess it was someone who had a twin or something.
And the twin died or went missing or was hiding.
And the dance was the woman at school had to ask the man.
The girls at school had to ask the boy.
And the girls had to ask the boy.
And then you had to get a shirt for the person and wear the same shirt.
And it was called Sadie Hawken.
And you were twins.
At that point you were twins.
And that's how it kind of tied back into the, you know, missing person or
whatever.
Um, but dude, I remember Sadie Hawken, bro.
And the first day you'd go to school and like, it was like usually about three
weeks before people would start asking people.
And you'd start seeing a girl across the way and be like, oh, she might ask me.
And then you would hear that she's going with somebody.
And you're like, fuck, okay, you know, you know, Allison isn't asking me.
So maybe Katie, maybe Katie will ask me, you know, and you would wait.
And then you would hear, oh, Katie's going with Ricky.
Like, oh, shit.
I thought they were siblings, but whatever.
And then, uh, you'd wait a little longer.
You'd be like, oh, yeah, maybe Tiffany, you know, maybe Tiffany with them
fucking big, you know, with them big knees, bro.
We had a girl named, uh, Tiffany had the biggest fucking knees you ever seen,
bro.
Just like somebody hit a basketball in each one of her damn legs right in the
middle.
And, uh, dude, I remember thinking she was going to ask me one time.
And, and she didn't ask me.
And then I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude.
I'm going to have to go with, I'm going to have to dance with one of the chaperones.
Uh, and so it just got, you know, shit got real minimal.
And then, and then just a friend asked me.
That's who I always ended up.
I was always the guy that ended up going to the dance with a friend.
You know, some girl, you know, all like I had a buddy and he was really,
he was real handsome.
And so he got all the, you know, when, when you were a kid, it wasn't really,
people weren't really touching each other's crotches or, you know, doing
anything.
There wasn't really like a lot of sex, but it was just sweating.
You just get around someone you really liked and you just fucking just sweat by
him.
That's how, you know, cause you were so nervous.
You know, you would just get around.
I remember this girl, Kitty, man.
And I'd get around her and I would just fucking, I couldn't even talk.
I just fucking loved her so much.
And I just wanted to damn, I wanted to marry her so bad, bro.
Even though I was just like fucking 11 or something or 10, not even 11, man.
And I just wanted to marry her so bad.
And I'm fucking, all I would do is just stand by her and just fucking sweat and
just look
like a freak, bro.
But that's how you express love at that age.
You know, I'd sit there like a damn waterfall.
You know, I'd sit there like a, just like the back of a fucking dying whale,
bro.
Just still pretty damp, you know, just glistening, just, oh, just nervous.
But when Sadie Hawking came, that was the time it was easier for guys because
the girl had
to ask you and then you got the matching shirt and that was pretty cool.
That, that part was pretty cool when you got that matching shirt.
Cause we didn't have like, you know, when I was growing up, my mom would get us
a nice
outfit and usually one pant and two shirts at the beginning of school.
And what I would do is sometimes I would wear the pant the first day, the
second day, turn
the pants inside out because the inside looks a little bit of a different color.
And tell people it was a different pant, a DP, you know?
And, uh, and anyway, so yeah.
So when you got the girl that bought you that shirt, that Sadie Hawking shirt,
I remember
one time this, this pretty well-off girl in our town, she was well-off.
Her name was Emily and she was pretty and she was cute.
And she was my friend and, and she got me a nice fucking shirt, bro.
Damn, that thing was nice.
I remember, I don't remember.
I put that thing on, dude.
I felt like I was like the, like just like the mayor's son or something.
Or I felt like I was just little Fauntleroy at a third or something.
I just felt like, I don't know who I felt like.
I just remember putting it on and it felt nice.
Had three or four buttons and the fabric was real strong.
And I remember putting that bitch on and just feeling like a champion.
So that was the nice thing about Sadie Hawkins.
You got that free shirt.
Now, some of them you get a poor girl would ask you.
And that bitch give you a damn tank top with a, you know, a little symbol about
electricity
or something or one of those city handout tank tops, you know, it says vote for
Jackson
or something on the back of it or vote for, you know, Walter or some kind of
shit.
But I remember that Sadie Hawkins, man, that was pretty enjoyable.
And, and that was just, and it was this time of year.
That's when it happened in the fall.
And it was just, man, just walking around school, just waiting for a girl to
ask you.
And then it became closer and closer and closer.
You're like, damn, everybody's been asked now.
I'm like the last one.
Man, that shit.
Dude, being young and going through like moments like that is pretty, it really
like,
it's such a,
it's so severe at the time.
I mean, at that time there was nothing.
I mean, I would get to school.
I had to look clean.
I had to, you know, look nice.
I was, I was waiting for a woman to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins.
I want the free shirt from a rich girl, but more often than not, bro, I'd end
up with your girl thick tiff with those fucking double dribble kneecaps, bro.
The fucking Reggie Miller of orthopedics, dude.
And she would, you know, I'd get that, you know, just that regular baby girl to
ask me.
And one girl asked me to dance one time, dude, and she carried me during one of
the dances.
She fucking really kind of lifted me up and carried me.
And I didn't know what to do, man.
I didn't know what to do except just get an erection, bro, because that's when
you're that young.
Dude, when you're, when you're real young, you know, when you're about 13, if
you are, you get anything, it'll get you a wreck.
I saw somebody get electrocuted one time over there by the, uh, outside of the,
uh, Schwegman's, and I fucking popped a bone.
I'm like, what the fuck, man?
You know, like I'm, um, like I'm, like I'm, what the, what is that man's name?
Electric Man, or, like I'm, um, fuck, I don't know, bro, whatever.
But damn, yeah, dude, when you were young, now, yeah, now you just, ain't no
woman.
I wish they still had Sadie Hawkins for adults.
I think it would be nice.
Wouldn't it be cool to walk around town thinking somebody's going to ask you to
a dance?
Ooh.
And I guess that it is still like that with dates, but I think in a small town
it would be really beautiful, you know?
If you're like, okay, Sadie Hawkins is coming up.
In our town, it's a fun thing that everybody still celebrates.
So we're going to, somebody gets to ask some, so you get to, you know,
everybody's waiting, the girl's going to come.
And you're waiting, but that was a fun time in those dances.
And it was always around this time of year, around fall or autumn.
Trying to think of some other memories I have from this time of year.
I really enjoyed when I was young, at this time of year, getting off the school
bus in the afternoon because the air, it would be getting darker earlier.
And sometimes there would be like a little bit of wind and it would be kind of
a little chilly and it would just,
I don't know, there was possibility in the air.
It was almost like Mother Nature was,
was just about to tell us a secret or something.
It just something felt,
the time of year, something just felt really nice about it.
You know, before it got too cold or before it got uncomfortable, just,
I don't know.
It's just something nice when the air is just, it feels just as,
as alive as you are.
It's like you guys met each other 50-50.
Because in the summer, it's so hot, it's, you know, it's,
the world's meeting you at like 95-5 and the winter is the same.
You know, if you hang out outside long enough, outside will kill you.
That's crazy, dude.
In the winter, if you hang out outside long enough,
outside will kill you.
Don't think Mother Nature ain't a hit man.
That's Shady Hawkins, bro, when she asks you to die.
Mother Nature asks you to die, boy, if it's too cold out.
But there wa