Name: Beast Infection | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #245
Uploaded: 2019-11-18T14:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Beast Infection | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #245' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Beast Infection | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #245' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-18. Transcript available.

Beast Infection | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #245

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Let's see, yeah.
Laissez faire.
That means that's that fair.
If you see a carnival going on, you say, laissez faire.
That means that's that fair.
Put some sand on your hands.
About time to grip that dolphin.
You're going to have to fetch that fish, baby.
And we're going to do it here today.
I hope you're doing well.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're going to die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your brains.
All of your demons exercise.
Let them go.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Oh, and once again, I can't really fade that song out as well as I'd like to be.
You know, I'd love that song at the end to really just go at a very slow, lessening
level.
So you get less sound in you.
Like at a gradient, they call it.
And that's not to be confused with this boy I used to know named Gradient
Harper, who used to play on the local football team in junior high.
I remember we had a baseball field.
And I was on a really rot gut team called the Cubs and a couple of jerseys.
They they accidentally wrote clubs on it.
And it just so about six of the guys on our team were on the Cubs, the Playville
Cubs.
And we had about three or four guys on the Playville clubs.
And.
We would play on a field out there on the edge of town off of Highway 190 that
had a slant.
It had a gradient.
They just.
I don't know if.
You know, there had been like a.
They might have been having gravity issues or something.
Or.
I'm not sure.
This might have been during a sinkhole flare up.
I'm not sure.
Because that sinkholes, those things.
Dude, when the.
When the.
When Mother Earth has had too much to eat.
And that bitch belches.
Somebody's losing a fucking half a parking lot full of Honda Civics or
something, you know.
You know, she ain't afraid to digest anything.
It could be.
Somebody hitchhiking.
You know, somebody driving a Dodge Ram.
Everybody.
Is going straight into.
The Earth's core.
But we played softball on a.
On this field.
Not softball.
We.
It was regular ball.
Baseball.
And man, I wasn't good at baseball, man.
I.
I remember asking the coach one time if we could put tape on the ball.
Like.
You know, like.
Duct tape.
So that thing wouldn't come in.
It wouldn't hit.
You know, it wouldn't be as hard when it hit the glove.
So most of baseball was me hiding kind of whenever the good batters would get
up.
Because I'm a daydreamer.
I don't need a bed.
I don't need a pillow.
To, you know, to really create that ambiance.
I'm that.
I got that Spielberg in me.
I got that cerebral Spielberg.
You know, I got.
This shit is.
It's going.
In my head.
And so.
Baseball.
And.
A day.
You can't daydream.
And do baseball.
You can't.
You cannot do it.
Because you're out there and next thing you know, you.
You fucking.
That ball comes zinging at you.
You'll lose an.
You know, it'll.
You'll pop your occipital.
Dude, it'll hit you in the eye.
One of your eyeballs roll right out your mouth.
Like you're a Halloween game show.
That shit can get tricky.
But we played on a field when I was on the Cubs clubs that was at a slant.
And dude, you would hit a grounder towards first base.
And by the time it got to like the outfield, it was.
Oh, it was.
It was along the third baseline.
It was just every ball.
So the best player was out there on third base or in the left field.
And I didn't.
I wasn't good at it, man.
Because I would forget we were playing.
I forget I was playing.
Dude, I'd be out there way out in right field.
Picking stuff and eating it or trying stuff.
I mean, I wouldn't eat.
I would not eat everything that I picked.
That wasn't.
I wasn't that boy.
You know, you always had that one creepy boy.
Just anything you find, he just slid it into his mouth.
I mean, it could be anything.
This dude, he put a damn snake in his mouth.
You know, some of these guys, they'll babysit a damn.
You finally get their jaws open and they're in there.
You know, they're having, you know, a couple little oysters are in there doing
conjugal visits and stuff.
Some people will put anything under their tongue.
Oh, but that field, man, it was so hard.
Because if a ball went into the outfield and you got it, you had to run, dude,
you had to run uphill.
It was very, I mean, it was like a damn decathlon just trying to get the ball
in.
And sometimes you would throw it and it would come right back down the hill at
you.
You're like, gee, well.
And then at the far left field, it went sloped that way.
It sloped out.
Dude, one guy hit it.
This one fellow, Mikey Donowar, and he was, my God, this guy, he was, I mean,
he must have came out of the womb with a, you know, he must have came out of
the womb with a damn, with capability.
And capability is when you just, when you're not, you know, when you just, when
you can do something.
Have you ever done anything?
Well, that's capability right there.
And this boy just had all the athletic capability and he would hit that ball.
And we went to get it.
It went over the deep, off the edge, deep field.
And, dude, it took you, sometimes I remember getting a ball and coming up the
hill off the deep end.
And by the time I got up there, the game had been over for about 40 minutes.
Everybody's just knuckle deep eating snow cones and some of the parents are
over there, you know, you know, complaining about their spouses or whatever.
Some of this one lady would cry every time we won.
Like, bitch, you're not even, you don't even have a kid on the team.
Okay, you just out here lurking.
And this lady would creep us out, dude.
She'd be crying.
Somebody would hit a damn double and she would start crying.
Like, jeepers.
And she had a Don Mattingly tattoo on her fucking, on her ribs.
But she was beautiful, though.
I will say that she had a certain beauty about her.
You know, there's something, there's something very American about it when
somebody hits a damn double.
And a lady starts crying just a few feet away.
There's something, hell, I don't even know.
It's almost like, it's like that movie, it's the way I feel when I watch that
movie, Cinderella Man.
My heaven.
That thing will fucking get me, bro.
Cinderella Man.
What's going on?
Good to see you.
Happy November 18.
And it is the year 2019.
2019.
And we are living it.
We are living through time.
I was thinking about that this weekend, how time is just such a, it won't, you
can't stop it.
I mean, you just, it's on, it's just the, it's kind of like the, it's the LeBron
James of mediums.
This bitch is going.
And sometimes I realize, I'm like, hey, time, time, time.
You know, I'm over here, you know, hold it up.
But time ain't fucking with you, boy.
Time ain't fucking with you.
You little assholes out here on that lopsided field.
Get your shit together.
I can't believe our town would do all of that.
Just really.
And they had regular fields.
I think they had a couple parents out there, like seeing the children struggle.
And seeing, you'd have some kids, dude, they play baseball so much, they'd have
a damn, they would grow into genetically, even one of their legs almost had a
little bit more reach on it.
They'd be a little bit more right-legged.
Or you'd see some of the coaches out there would measure that right leg on you
during practices and stuff.
Because see who would be able to get the best angles based on the field.
And that was, it's weird when carpentry kind of comes into a baseball.
You know, when somebody, when you got a damn subcontractor out there playing on
the, you know, as a third base coach.
It just gets a little kind of obtuse.
Oh, it is.
It is November.
What's going on with you?
I hope you're well today.
I'm feeling okay.
I'm feeling okay, man.
I'm feeling like I'm, this past week I've been really motivated to just get to
the gym and get that pump.
Get that body pump.
And the other day I even taped off my legs with a tight tape.
And tape is something that's basically for people that's too lazy to get a rope
and do something.
They made tape.
So it's really just kind of bitch rope.
And boy, I'll tape these thighs closed and I keep my blood up top.
Because when I needed, when I used to do that, if I would do a test or
something or, you know, in school, man, if I was had a hard test, dude, you
know, I'd have my, both of my legs tied off, bro.
I ain't letting my blood go down in my feet and do what?
Think about what?
Slippers.
I need my blood up top.
I need my knowledge bubbling through my freaking little brain tank.
Because you got to keep the water warm up there.
You know, all these at your extremities, a lot of times they're wasting time.
You put, I want that straight.
When I'm under pressure, I want heart to brain, heart to brain.
I don't want the, you know, your blood's out here hitchhiking and your damn,
you know, that fourth finger, that one you can barely get straight, even when,
if you try to make it straight by itself, you know the one.
I don't care if that bitch ever gets any blood.
Honestly.
I want the blood where I need it.
So you'd see me in a test, man, my arms and legs would be turning purple.
And some of the kids would be like, dude, you all right, man?
You can't even hold your pencil.
I'm like, bitch, I'm doing social studies, okay?
And I'm trying to get a B.
So I'm living what I, I'm trying, I got to do something for myself here.
It's preservation.
And you guys out here doing that full flow.
I'm going brain to heart, boy.
And I'm living like that.
What's going on?
I'll do a little bit of laundry.
We have, we still want some single mothers for Lafayette.
And that show's almost sold out down there, December 26th.
So we'd love that.
If you want to call and recommend one or two.
We have the show in December 10th at the Wiltern in Los Angeles.
That's almost sold out.
We just put on Red Bank, New Jersey, which is the makeup show for Sayersville.
It's now at a bigger locale.
So you can get in there and sit down and feel that, feel your body in the chair.
And there's something nice about that when you, when your body hits a chair,
there's something.
I mean, they perfected that.
You know, a chair, they, it's such a perfectional piece.
Say, hey, hey, come here.
Stay right here with me.
And you do it every time you see a chair, you do it.
Isn't that beautiful?
A chair is like, hey, I'll be over here.
Do what you do, but you know where I'll be at.
And you get over there and you put your ass right on it.
Chairs are dirty, man.
These things, they're going to get pink-eyed.
They keep playing all these games.
Oh, okay.
What's going on with, uh, with you?
Who's listening out there?
I wonder who's listening sometimes and I wonder who isn't.
I know we have a young lady named Amanda.
Who is a long-timer.
Listener.
Thank you, Amanda.
And I'm going to give her a call now and just see who listens to this thing.
And she's a correctional officer, so.
Been around some seedy men.
Hello.
