Name: Certain Curtain | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #247
Uploaded: 2019-12-02T14:10:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Certain Curtain | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #247' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Certain Curtain | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #247' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-02. Transcript available.

Certain Curtain | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #247

Support for this past weekend comes from Manscaped, who is the men's best in
below-the-belt grooming.
Manscaped offers precision-engineered tools for your family jewels.
You know, your body is not your own.
It's a rental.
Your parents made it, and somebody made them.
So this is all second, fifth, ninth, 70th generation.
And so your junk, that area, you know, that area is, it needs to be tended to.
Now that is your responsibility.
And you got to tighten it up.
Untrimmed pubic hair are a thing of the past.
It's time to gear up and get yourself the gift of shaving this holiday season.
I'm talking about the Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0.
I've definitely dealt my lower area a new lease on life with Manscaped.
And they're really, it's really a grab bag of beautiful things that they offer
here.
Manscaped has redesigned the electric trimmer.
Their lawnmower 2.0 has proprietary advanced skin-safe technology.
This trimmer won't nick your nuts or snag your sack.
So sometimes Santa, he comes down the chimney and people don't know there's a
nail right there on the top of the chimney.
Ooh, that's presents are going into the fire if that's the case.
So you got to keep that sack intact.
The lawnmower 2.0 also comes inside their perfect package, which makes the
perfect gift this holiday season.
It's everything you need to take care of your lineage.
Don't use the same trimmer on your face as you're using on your balls.
That is just nasty.
Tis the season to manscape.
So get yourself, your dad, your brother, your friends, even someone you don't
even know,
but someone you just imagine has that real, that hairy yard.
Get them the Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0.
Get 20% off and free shipping with the code THEO, T-H-E-O, at manscaped.com.
That's right.
Get 20% off and free shipping with the code THEO at manscaped.com.
That's 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com.
Use code THEO.
Clean up your nuts and make Santa proud this year.
What's up, you little yard varks?
We moving?
Have you washed your hands today?
I was just wondering that.
If everybody is washing their hands.
That used to be a real thing.
You had to wash your hands because it was a lot more social interaction was
based on that shake.
You know, so you had to go hands first into the future.
And if you washed your hands, I'm asking you.
Just, you know, answer to yourselves.
But are you, what are you doing?
You just riding dirty?
You got those phalanges of the Ganges, huh?
You got dirt on your mitts.
You just rolling dirty mitt first into the future?
Come on.
We're better than that.
Let's go.
Let's go.
They can spot you high-heeled shoes.
Hot, so blue, shallow from a mile away.
Every night looking so right, trust so tight, sell it, make them hey.
Keeping time on your wrist, checking that list, looking to assist with another
man's fantasy.
Come on, you know it's Bishop Gunn here.
I can hear you saying, that's what I hold you got on me.
Don't let me spend all night alone.
If you'll just give me what I need.
You can have anything you want.
And that's the point right there.
When they say, anything you want.
That I would take my top off if I had a top.
And that's one of the gifts of women.
They have the different layers that they can tempt you.
They got the scarf.
They got the vest.
They got the blouse.
They got the bra.
It's just one to the name.
Finally, you're like, oh, all right.
You know, here's my money.
And that's one thing that women have.
They have that layered, they can really, they have that, the different layers
of temptation.
But when they say, anything you want, that's when I would take my bra off.
And look, I'll tell you this.
If I was front row at a Bishop Gunn show, I might wear a damn bra.
And I might unhook that little, that little titty cape and just throw it onto
the stage.
Because that sounds freeing.
That sounds very, very freeing.
That is anything you want by Bishop Gunn.
Thank you for being here today.
It is December 2nd, Monday, December 2nd in the year 2019 in time.
That's where we are.
And I hope you're doing at least decent or better.
And then sometime I even hope that you're doing great.
I just got back from Louisiana and I ate it.
People say right when they, you know, right when you get back out of Louisiana,
people want to smell your breath.
They want to, you know, they want to check you.
You know, like certain places you go, people want to check you for different
food and different items.
You know, you go to New Mexico, somebody will frisk you for a couple of geodes.
Or you go to, you know, you go to Wisconsin, somebody will run that cheese
check on you.
You know, they'll, they'll, they'll freaking, they'll diddle your chimichanga
for a little bit of cheddar.
You feel me?
People want to, they want to check you.
In Louisiana, you know, you go down there and the food is just, damn.
It's like you put it in your mouth and some of it is still alive.
The crab, the, the oyster.
And it'll just, some of it.
I had a crab.
It was so fresh.
The thing climbed down my damn throat.
Just spelunked right into my own stomach.
It wasn't even a meal.
It's a damn pet.
I feel like an aquarium.
And they have that there.
They have everything.
You know, I ate it all.
This oyster dressing, stuffed, you know, stuffed oyster, grilled oyster,
grilled crab.
You know, gator bites.
They had a urban gentleman selling gator bites on the side of the road out of
the back of a truck.
And by the box, it was just in like a little cardboard kind of setup.
And you get 20 gator bites right there from that man.
I said, damn.
And then look, that gator, I don't know how fresh it was or fresh it wasn't.
But it could have, I mean, that thing, it bit back.
I had probably about 11 of those nuggets while I was driving across the Atchafalaya
Basin.
And about nine of those bitches, they bit right back.
I'm happy to be back here.
I'm happy to be here with you.
I hope you're doing well today.
What's going on?
Yeah, had a nice weekend.
Went through the old neighborhood.
Went for a jog.
And there's something, it's like you're almost running through your past when
you do that.
You know, I get out there and a lot of it's a little sad.
It's, you know, I'm kind of a nostalgia jockey.
If you cut my arms off, you know, I wouldn't have any arms, but I would love
nostalgia.
I love just time warping and just going back inside of myself and then, you
know, through the filing cabinets of my insides and pulling out old files and
looking at old memories.
And when you jog through the old neighborhood, you get that.
You know, you get that.
They had a squirrel, this one squirrel ran right alongside me.
I mean, he might have been maybe like a grandchild of a squirrel that I grew up
with or something.
But I mean, this thing ran probably about a mile and a quarter with me.
And that's, I don't know, maybe he was looking for help.
I don't know what the hell he was doing, but I've never seen that in my life.
And I didn't have any treats on me.
You know, I didn't have any little, you know, acorns or, you know, no squirrel
treats on me.
And this thing, this little critter just zipping and I mean, damn, like he had
GPS or something.
Like he had a damn iPhone.
I mean, he was just making all the turns with me.
It was really wild.
But it made me feel a little bit at home just, just having that animal, I guess,
kind of just join me on my job.
But yeah, you pass old houses, you're like, oh man, I, you know, I really, you
know, I used to go over there.
And sometime that lady would give me a, you know, a bowl of Doritos or
something in the afternoon.
You know, we had this lady by us, Ms. Green, and if I came over there real
sweaty, she would give me a bowl of chips.
And I don't know why, and it didn't matter.
You know, but if I came over there dry, bro, I wouldn't get nothing.
And so I started just knowing I had to go over there sweat.
Hell, sometime I pour half a glass of water on my face.
And just bullshit my way over there to those snacks.
But yeah, just going through your old neighborhood, be like, oh, I remember,
you know.
I got a little, I got a little sex over there by that house.
You know, oh, I remember, dude, one house right down the street from me.
I almost lost my virginity in this homestead.
And they had a, the girl's mother came in the room.
And I didn't know what to do.
And so I walked right over and introduced myself, dude.
And I was, I mean, I was, I was very, you know, I was five-legged at that point,
if you get me.
I was a five-legged animal when I met that woman.
And man, it was just embarrassing.
And I also remember her, her daughter kind of smelled like cigarettes.
I remember that a little bit.
And, uh, but, but yeah, you go through the neighborhood and you just, all of
that happens.
Like, oh man, my friend drove his truck into that house right there.
On high, you know, when he was on high on liquor and everything.
And like, damn, that's crazy.
You know, you're like, oh, that house burned down.
Oh, that person passed away.
That guy died from a, you know, he was in a boating incident, they call it,
when you die in a boat.
But all of that happens when you're in an old neighborhood.
And so it was, you know, that was pretty enjoyable.
Um, what else did I get into?
Uh, oh, I was in New Orleans, went to the Saints game.
Uh, went to the Saints game, Saints and the Panthers, took my nephews.
I was beautiful.
These little beautiful bastards, watching them just, just take it all in.
And the Superdome has changed.
When I went, there was, you know, there, there was, uh, there wasn't as much,
you know, hoopla.
There weren't as many lights and laser beams.
And, you know, it'll shoot every now and then they'll shoot some bitch out of a
cannon.
And she'll fly across the dome now.
It's crazy.
You know, they got, when I was going, when I first started going, uh, it wasn't,
they didn't have as much, you know, hoopla.
And so it was just more simple and it was just, damn, you know, you see, but
now they got people in the stands, people's, you know, everybody's, you know,
everybody's got, you know, all kind of face paint and a big whistle on their
head.
And somebody's wearing, like, somebody had on, like, like a, uh, a whole suit
made out of flags, like the yellow NFL flags.
Pretty cool.
And watching it, just watching those children just take it in.
It was really, you know, it was special.
My brother and I, our first game we went to, the, you know, my mother was
dating a man.
And this man was a, was a Jewish gentleman and urban gentleman too.
And so he was doubled out and, and she, and he, uh, gave us tickets to a game
and we went.
And as we're walking up to the game, it was, I don't know when it was, man, it
was saints versus the bears.
Somebody offered to buy our tickets.
So we're like, oh, hell yeah, we'll sell them.
We'll sell them.
They said $35 for a ticket.
And my brother and I were so excited about going to the game, the game.
We're going to the Superdome.
We're going to the dome.
We were excited, man.
He was, he ripped one of my damn eyebrows off.
That's how excited he was.
And, you know, and I wasn't even mad at him because I just, I love the saints
so much.
And so we were going to the dome and mom dropped us off or hell, she might've
made us walk there.
I don't remember.
But we got there and we had our ticket, boy.
And I was so nervous and my hands was just sweating.
And, uh, my ticket was, I had, my ticket was wet.
That's how excited I was.
I just had that excitement water just climbing out of my pores.
And we got to the dome and we got to the dome and it was huge, man.
It looked like, like heaven had just put a little nipple down here on the world.
And we got over there and right as we're walking up, uh, this man said, I'll
give you, I think it was a man.
It could have been at the time of lesbian, but this man or strong woman said, I'll
give you $35 for the ticket.
And we're like, $35?
What?
Dude, we'd never seen the saints, but we'd never seen $35.
So we said, we agreed, you know