Name: Andrew Santino 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #248
Uploaded: 2019-12-09T14:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #248' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #248' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-09. Transcript available.

Andrew Santino 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #248

potatoes collapsed to society.
That's sad that a root vegetable
collapsed your whole society.
Yeah.
And do they have sweet potatoes too
or just regular potatoes?
Ain't nothing sweet up there.
Oh, man, bro.
Bro, you got to fucking sugar up your tots, bro.
You can't even,
I can't imagine running on just potatoes.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Yeah, I bought a World War II house.
It came with a bag of gunpowder
and chitlins,
a bag of chitlins.
Cracklin.
Do you think Andrew Santino here today,
thanks for coming in, man.
Thank you, brother.
I'm so happy to be here.
I was bragging before we started.
This is incredible, man.
No one has anything this cool on the wall
of all the podcast studios.
This was such a smart idea.
Was this your idea?
Thanks.
This was Papio Tune.
I'm not sure.
I think we just discussed it, Nick.
What did we?
We discussed it and decided this was it.
I reluctantly have to give some props to Gianni.
I think it might have been.
Let's not give him any fucking,
I don't want to give Gianni props.
Gianni the Twink, man.
He's a sweet boy, man.
Oh, yes.
He got all his meals for free in New York
when we went out to eat.
Really?
Yeah, he was just so cute.
He walked in and he winked at the host
and she goes, meal's on us.
He said he can make his butt smile
like the crack of it.
He can.
That's insane.
Yeah, he, well, when he turns sideways,
he hoists his shoulders up
and you can kind of see the top of his crack
just lean up just a little bit.
Yeah.
He's a talented dude, I got to tell you.
A really cute, talented dude.
It's too bad about what happened.
I know.
It is what it is.
Look, we don't, you know,
his perversions are his perversions, man.
He really needs to get some help, though.
I'm just being honest.
It's just one of those things where
I feel like a guy like that,
he was going to get caught at some point
for doing what he was doing.
Yeah, and it's downhill.
And the crazy part in this business,
when it's downhill, brother,
it is straight down.
Straight down.
It's directly straight down.
I mean, we can ask,
we know a lot of people
that have already plummeted that far, you know?
Bert's not putting his shirt off anymore.
He's keeping his shirt on.
Well, they had charge,
some lady filed a charge against him.
She did?
Yeah.
What was it?
What, you know what the file was?
Just like indecency or something?
Yeah, complete indecency.
Too much indecency.
Dude, I remember when I was yelling,
the first fellow I even ever masturbated to
was a buddy who had big tits like that.
How big were they?
This boy, I don't want to say his name, man,
because he's a nice boy.
Oh, he's still alive?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's still alive as far as I know.
And I'll just, yeah.
What was your first crush?
Do you vividly remember your first crush?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, who was it?
This girl, Chrissy Hunt, man.
The name is so hot.
And she had one of her tooth,
she was kind of chipped off a little bit,
like she had that Lloyd Christmas in the front, you know?
Uh-huh, yeah.
Oh, man.
That made her more exotic somehow.
Oh.
Chrissy Hunt.
And I remember she had good posture.
That's what I love, bro.
I'm like, damn,
who was that straight up bitch over there?
She was just posture.
Yeah.
Just so damn vertical, dude.
I just felt like she...
She stood for something.
That's what I felt like.
Yeah, for life.
She just had confidence in her bones, you know?
I said that to Steve...
I was talking to someone on the way here.
I was saying all...
I saw Attell was in New York when I was in New York,
and he's got all these bags he was hunched over.
I was like,
all my comedic heroes have scoliosis.
Like, all of them are like...
Like, they're all like...
Like, kind of like tiny and bent over,
and I don't know what that is.
I need to get better posture.
It could be the stress, the burden.
Yeah, the burden of being so hilarious,
being so smart and funny like Attell is.
Probably the stress.
Attell kind of shies away from people sometimes, too.
He doesn't like to kind of be seen.
I feel like it makes him nervous.
Right.
Well, he's...
Yeah.
I mean, I think it's also because I think too many people
want to come up to him and talk to him.
Yeah.
Because he's so funny and so known.
But I was watching him walk,
and he just like...
I was just like...
It looked painful.
It looked like he was kind of like...
Well, he doesn't do yoga.
I don't think he's like a yoga...
You know, he's not...
That's not one of his things.
No, no, not anymore.
What's going on, man?
You got the new tour, I know.
I'm doing a new tour in 2020,
the Red Dragon Tour.
That's awesome, man.
Hey, congrats, bro.
Thank you, dude.
I've never done small theaters.
This is the first time I've ever done small theaters
in my life, and I'm nervous.
We talked on the phone a year ago
when you started doing...
But you were doing bigger theaters
than I'm going to do.
I'm doing tiny little theaters, but...
And the nerves are right.
You were righteous about...
You were like excited, nervous.
I remember we talked on the phone.
I was on the 405.
I remember coming from the airport.
And you were like,
I'm excited, but I'm nervous.
But it's dope.
I'm so happy.
But the pressure is different.
It's different than a club.
I don't know why, but it is.
Yeah, I think...
The scale, the growth, you know?
Yeah, the scale, the energy, the excitement.
For me, a lot of it was just like,
how does the words work in the room?
What does the audio sound like?
I started worrying about everything.
Whereas clubs, it was...
I had just gotten used to it.
I knew kind of how it went.
I knew if it sounded strange,
how to adjust it.
Right.
But in, yeah, these different venues
where they're all kind of different,
it was...
Yeah, that can be a little confusing.
Well, here's why.
Because they don't do comedy shows all the time, right?
A comedy club only does comedy shows.
Yeah.
It's an on and off switch.
But with these venues,
some of these that I'm doing,
they're rock clubs.
Rock clubs, yeah.
Cirque du Soleil or something.
Yeah, an off night for the Cirque.
What?
Yeah.
They do Disney on Ice.
Do they?
They do Disney on Ice.
Really?
Dude, I remember I went to Disney on Ice, boy.
I've never been.
We were fired up when we were kids, man.
We went.
I remember some guy was smoking a joint at it.
At Disney on Ice?
Yeah.
Well, really?
Yeah, because mostly it was kids there
and I just remember looking at this guy
and being like, dang, dude.
Yeah, but he's got to get his.
I mean, you can't hate on that guy.
Uh-uh.
Medication.
Yeah, well, at the time, people,
it's funny that at the time,
nobody saw it as medication.
At the time, it used to be just getting high
and now it's considered medication.
Isn't that kind of fascinating?
Yeah.
Well, it's only because people have come around
to the idea that it's not as bad
as people want it to be.
Do you think we'll go even higher with drugs?
Do you think we're going to get to like a level,
like somewhere they just legalized some cocaine,
I believe.
Yeah.
Dominican Republic.
Was that it, the DR?
The DR, they got cocaine legal
and they also have frog licking is legal now too
in certain countries.
You can lick psychedelic frogs.
Hmm.
I think there's a roof for sure.
I think there's a roof.
What, Denver just legalized mushrooms?
Oh, they did?
Colorado.
That's right.
For a while now, I'll notice.
You find anything, Nick?
I'm not seeing anything on the screen.
Mexican court says cocaine use is legal for two people.
Mexico City.
Wow, they're having a lot, I mean,
with all the shootings.
What was the case?
Yeah, what happened?
Why did they need it?
Two people should be allowed to use it legally, it says.
The ruling means the unnamed pair can use but not sell,
according to Mexico United Against Crime.
Huh.
They need that energy to get back and forth
and back and forth over that border, you know?
Yeah.
It's like playing, it's like Red Rover.
It's a brown rover.
Down there.
I said on, I said on Chris DiStefano's podcast
with Giannis Papas, I said,
they were joking about building the wall
and I said, the wall is cruel.
Like, it's a cruel thing,
but I think it'd be funny if it was a maze.
Yeah.
Like, if they had to, like, really,
you know what I mean?
If it was an obstacle course?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, if it was American Ninja Warrior down there,
I'd be so down for that.
Well, dude, and then the people that would be coming in,
you'd be getting some real heroes into America.
Super, a lot of talent.
Oh, yeah.
A ton of talent.
You'd get some, like, grade A,
athletes crossing the border.
Well, I think there should be a return system.
That's just what I think.
It's like, one enters, one leaves.
It's like, I wish there was a level in America
for people that don't want to try
and contribute at all to society.
Yeah.
That we get to, you know.
Oh, that's smart.
Like, it's like a battle royale.
You have to prove why you get to stay
and someone has to go?
Yes.
That's dope.
That's a great idea.
Or let Vegas bet on people
at a certain point at the border
to, like, another point.
Let them bet, like, just on who is going to get...
Can they make it to the next level?
Yeah.
It's like Mario.
We're setting up Super Mario Brothers
and seeing what level they pass.
They have to beat a boss at every point.
And then they get certain, you know,
you can get wings.
You know what I mean?
You can get a jet pack if you want to.
A jet pack.
You get to jump over people.
Some guy that's flying by,
like, man, I'm lost, man.
Going to level three.
Yeah, I don't know.
Dude, I don't know.
I think a lot of times about the border,
like, the people that live there,
what is their life?
Like, that's who I really...
That live at the border time?
Yes.
Like, what is it like for them?
You know?
Like, it's easy for us to, you know,
for us to say this or that,
but it's like, what is it like if you had,
like, are people running through people's backyards?
Is it scary?
It's gotta be.
It's gotta be, right?
We used to go down in college.
There's a place called South Padre Island, Texas.
Oh, yeah.
We used to go down there.
You've probably been down there.
You've probably been down to South Texas.
And there's a border town called...
Damn, Nick.
You probably have to find it.
Rosa.
No, it's called...
Nogales?
No.
Damn, bro.
South Padre Island, Texas, there's a border town to this big bridge you cross,
right?
It's a massive bridge.
Port Isabel?
No, man.
It's a Spanish name.
It's in Mexico, that border town there.
Isabel.
Yeah.
It's Spanish.
It's not Isabel.
That's Isabel.
Go...
There it is.
Maramoros.
That was it.
Maramoros.
Maramoros.
Right, so we went into Maramoros.
Mm-hmm.
Keep going over to the left.
And this was...
Maramoros.
Maramoros, there it is.
And this was bad, man.
We got in the bed of a pickup truck, in the bed of an F-150, like a 1990 F-150.
And we...
And this...
Now, I'm embarrassed, but I was like in the back, and we had all been drinking.
And it was...
The truck was bouncing bad.
Mm-hmm.
And I looked where the bed connects to the cab, and it was like loose.
Mm-hmm.
Like, it was not secure.
You know what I mean?
It was jiggling.
Oh, yeah.
And I looked around, and I'm realizing I'm going over this bridge, like 80
miles an hour.
I was like, this is how I die.
This is how it ends.
This is how it ends.
Dude, do you ever feel like, though, if you died in Mexico, you wake back up in
America?
Yeah.
It was like...
Like, you start again, like in the...
You reanimate, but where do you come back to?
Where's the city you come back out of?
I think you probably...
I'm going probably Columbus or Toledo.
Toledo.
Toledo sounds...
Toledo or Kansas.
Somewhere in Kansas.
Oh, that'd be beautiful.
Or just walk straight out of that cornfield over there in Iowa.
Right.
Right in Dyersville.
Yeah.
Yeah, but you get like a new beginning.
If you could start over, you know?
If you could be you reincarnated, you, same Theo, in another part of the world.
Say you were born in another part of the world, 