Name: Feeling That Yule | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #251
Uploaded: 2019-12-23T14:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Feeling That Yule | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #251' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Feeling That Yule | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #251' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-23. Transcript available.

Feeling That Yule | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #251

Hey, hey, hey, what did the horse say to the other, to the chicken on Christmas?
Hey, hey, hey, so today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
If you want something and you can't and you think you can have it and it's
pizza, then
you're doing great.
1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas to you.
It's a long kind of misty, waiting now for you to come.
Mmm, romance.
Cold again, but I know we'll be warm, sitting by the fire and dream.
Mmm.
Tell me again, with a whisper.
And that is some romance, modern jazz Christmas there by Bluma Pettersson.
And that is Bluma Pettersson there with a song called Christmas Moment.
Let me pull up something else that's really, let me pull up, fire up another,
uh, here, here
we go.
One right here.
Get on your horse, get on your horse, get on your horse, get a gun, and get
some dang Christmas.
Everyone knows that Christmas should be white.
Cosby got that right. Oh, but I'm in Copacabana, tanning up for Santa. But I'm
getting on a plane, a boat or a train. I'm setting a new course, bearing
straight to North Santa. Hold on.
Santa, hold on. Santa, hold on. I'm not going to leave you hanging by yourself.
Santa, hold on. Santa, hold on.
And that is a song right there. That is Tamisha Alexander with Santa, hold on.
Happy holidays to you. Merry Christmas to you. And that's what I say a lot of
time. Merry Christmas. And that's how I leave it.
Oh, it's that time of year. It's good to be here. I hope that you are just
honestly, I hope you're wherever you are.
I don't care what I don't wherever you are. I hope you really fired up about it.
And you're feeling that Yule, baby. You're feeling that Yule, you know.
Because this is that time when you can just, you know, you can kind of grab
somebody's cheek a little and wiggle it.
Hey, hey, hey, buddy. Merry Christmas.
This time when you can pet a little, you know, pet a neighbor's son. Touch him
on the head.
Hey, buddy. You're doing great, you know. Stay out of my yard, but you're doing
great.
It's that time. It's that holiday time.
You know, and it's, it's really, when you think about Christmas, that they had
a baby in the desert.
And I've talked about this before.
But they had a baby in the desert.
First of all, very dangerous. I don't know if you've ever been to Arizona, but
you don't see a lot of babies.
A lot of children won't even come out of the, the, the, the homesteads or the,
or the buildings until they're five, six.
When they got enough hydration in them, they got them oiled up enough.
Because a baby, the desert is the complete opposite of a baby.
You know, a baby is, it's, it's like, gushy kind of, and got fat, like little,
it's fat look like muscle.
You know, a lot of times you'll see a baby and it's fat look like muscle.
You'll see a lot of, it's arms look like he's jacked, but he's only 20 pounds,
you know.
You're like, damn, is he jacked? No, he's just, he's just, he's fat, but he's,
it's stylish.
There's, the, fat is never as stylish on us as it is when we're a child.
And the desert is dry.
It's grainy.
It's, sound like that.
It doesn't, there's nothing slick about it.
So, a baby, if you put a baby in the desert, man, it's lights out.
So, to think that, a long time ago, for Christmas, that a baby was born and put
in the desert, man.
And, and then a bunch of men went out there to see him, and that's where it
really does get wild.
I get, you know, I get, but I also, if I think if somebody said, hey man, they
got a baby out in the desert.
Think about that.
You're somewhere, you know, you're at a Hardee's, or you're somewhere, you know,
you're just parked in your truck somewhere, just thinking about your wife or
something, or anything.
You know, doing whatever.
You're doing video games, whatever.
And you, and somebody nudges you or something.
Hey buddy, they got a baby in the desert.
You would go see it.
You would go see it.
That's an easy one.
Some people, maybe Chris D'Elia would be like, I ain't going to see that baby,
you know.
But, but any regular, you know, mentally decent male would go see that baby.
And so, that's what's beautiful about the story of Christmas, is they had a
baby in the desert.
Some people went out there, a couple donkeys went out there, and shit got real
sentimental.
And, um, and that's beautiful, man.
And that's it.
And here we are.
Fast forwarding to the year 2019.
And this thing is wrapping up.
This year is almost wrapped up like a gift.
It's like we're wrapping the gift ourselves as the year ends, and I can't even
remember what's in the box.
Sometimes the years go by so fast, I can't even.
You know, life is such a time capsule, sometimes I don't know what's in it.
And I'm sitting there putting things in it all the time.
But yet, I don't even know what's in it.
And before I can get a, try and get a handle on it, it starts back again.
It's January or Yanuary.
As a lot of my Latino friends say, Yanuary.
Oh, Pampa, don't you like Yanuary?
And some people think, oh, it's racist to do a Mexican accent.
It's not racist, dude.
I love a Mexican accent.
And it's fun.
Do a Mexican accent.
Do a Chinese accent.
Do a white guy accent.
Do a freaking, uh, that girl, you know, who's always like with the long finger.
Now, do it, do it.
Do whatever you want.
It's an accent.
So, do it.
Hoo, hoo, hoo.
That's an accent.
That's Santa.
Hey, hey, hey.
That is a pervert right there, boy.
If you hear somebody like that.
If somebody has a couple grams of Coke and they say there's a baby in the
desert.
Now, that's different.
That's danger.
But if somebody comes over and nudges you during holiday.
Say, hey, big boy.
They got El Bebe in Las Playas.
Then you're going to go for that.
You better go for that.
What else?
What's going on?
Not too much.
I'm flying back to Louisiana tomorrow.
And I'm just looking forward to it.
You know, I'm going to go do the deal.
Get me a little bit of gambo.
Get me a little bit of Christmas yambalaya.
And they'll put anything in yambalaya.
Did somebody have yambalaya?
It might have a little swallow in it.
And I don't know if you've ever had a swallow or not.
It's not.
I don't eat it around children.
And it's really an adult meat.
Because if children, you know, if children hear you eating attractive birds,
they get nervous.
You know, so if you have that swallow, that's something, you know, that's more
of a seasonal or, you know, a special time of year when you have a little bit
of swallow.
But that's the thing about yambalaya.
You could hide something you're not sure if you want to eat inside of something
you do.
You know, you could throw a few yale ranchers in there.
You know, you could throw a couple marshmallows down there in the middle.
Bam, bam.
What's that?
Oh, this is good.
Oh, this has got crab meat.
Oh, damn.
This is sweet.
That's the marshmallows, bro.
And that's a yambalaya.
Oh, yambalaya.
What's going on, man?
It's the end of the year and it's been a great year.
I want to thank everybody for all the support.
I had some good podcasts recently.
We got some great ones coming up in the new year.
That's going to be exciting.
I'm going.
We got the show in Lafayette coming up.
Let me let you know a couple of dates that are still available.
January 14th in Oslo, Norway.
January 15th, Stockholm, Sweden.
January 31st and February 1st, Las Vegas, Nevada.
And that's at the Mirage.
Coming back through the Super Bowl weekend.
So if you're going to be there, come see.
February 15th, Oroville Casino at the Gold Country.
February 20th, Toronto, Queen Elizabeth Theater.
And we just opened Thursday night tickets for that week as well.
And then February 28th, Oxen Hill, Maryland.
That makeup show from last year.
And it's beautiful here on the set.
If you could see what producer Nick has done, man.
Man, and we got some beautiful people.
We gave us some Christmas ornaments, Rat King.
Damn.
We are very blessed to be part of such a wonderful group.
I want to let you know, too, we got some single moms that are going to come out
into Lafayette.
And here's a submission that came in for one.
I want you guys to get on board.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Jeff from Crowley, Louisiana.
Big Dispatch Weekend fan.
Gang, gang.
Buzz, buzz.
Gang, Jeffrey.
And thank you for calling over there in Crowley.
And Crowley is the kind of place they got big animals over there.
You'll see an inchworm that's damn two feet long.
You're like, whoa, this fella.
This fella might be in the rodeo.
You know, they're big.
So it's that kind of place.
Onward, Jeffrey.
I was calling to nominate my mom for Single Mother's Night at your show in Lafayette,
Louisiana.
She's a single mom to five boys.
She always worked hard for us growing up, trying to provide for us everything
she can.
You know, it's hard with a lot of kids like that.
And she doesn't have much of a social life.
She doesn't get out much.
You know, she can't do much.
She works nights.
But she's got her dream job as a nurse in Lafayette.
And she's a big fan of the show.
Me and all my brothers, we watch you and we love you.
Came to your show in Biloxi, Mississippi.
And you're coming close to us in Lafayette.
And I know my mom would love to be able to get a night out and go enjoy herself
and, you know, do her own thing.
So, yeah, hope you call back.
Well, look, man, you're very welcome.
And, yeah, I'm so excited that she's going to come.
Now, we will reach out to you.
We've got a couple single moms.
We're going to have them and a guest join us for dinner before the show.
And we're going to do something nice for them as well.
So, Jeff, we'll reach out.
Thank you.
That's very sweet of you, man.
And, you know, it's, you know, you think about that.
You think about if they had, you know, when, you know, a mother's got to do a
lot of it on her own.
And just the fear that probably comes but that they push it aside real quick.
You know, there's stories.
A mother could lift a damn shiffer robe off a fucking set of twins or something.
They'll have a 700-pound shiffer robe and something happens.
There's lightning or something or a little, you know, maybe something hits your
house or knocks it over onto a kid and a mother will lift it off of them.
And this is a mother that, you know, it could be a mother that's never done
squats or never even, you know, sheen on creatine or any type of, you know, pre-workout.
And then suddenly they'll be able to just have the strength.
You know, sometimes if we could just crack open a mother and just get whatever,
just harness whatever that is.
That strength of love and of perseverance that they have.
Man, it's something that's beautiful.
It's its own little Christmas, man.
What goes on inside of a mother.
And I applaud your mother, Jeff, and I am excited to get to meet her.
So her and a guest will be coming.
Please join us for dinner.
I hope you will.
Nick will reach out to you.
And we will set it up.
And we've got a couple of others.
We're going to reach out.
We had a good deal of single moms that were nominated.
And we can't have everybody out.
But we're going to have some out.
And we're going to do our best.
And the next ones we'll catch next time.
So thank you very much for those submissions.
Oh, man.
It's that time of year.
Dude, I was thinking.
Man.
One Christmas I got.
I got a silk shirt.
And I don't know if you ever remember the silk shirt.
Because silk is first something you think you'll never be able to have it.
Because spiders have it.
And there's no.
If you look at a spider.
Never once does a spider look like, hey.
I'm going to fucking do something for you.
You know.
I'm going to share this batch with you.
You know.
And it's marvelous that sometimes one.
You know.
That at some point in history.
I don't know when or whatever.
But they made a deal with them.
And they got all the silk.
So.
When I remember when I got a silk shirt.
I just.
It blew my mind.
And I don't know if you remember when these really hit the market.
They were 