Name: Pink Eye in Charleston | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #252
Uploaded: 2019-12-30T14:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pink Eye in Charleston | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #252' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pink Eye in Charleston | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #252' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-30. Transcript available.

Pink Eye in Charleston | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #252

*Sings*
*Sings*
Happy New Year almost
I'm just sitting on your front porch
Wondering how could I be so far from my home
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
*Sings*
cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I
can feel it in my bones. Let's go. But it's gonna take a little time for me to
set that clock and break and let myself unwind. Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story. Shine on me. And I will find a song. I will
sing it just for you. Woohoo. Shine. Oh, shine. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh. What sound do you make if you if you if you step on something that
you don't want to be stepping on? I do that a lot.
Yeah. And sometimes if it's really, uh, I'll do that sometimes, bro. If I'm
really feeling soft, you know, like if I've been pleasuring myself and I don't
have like a lot of man power in my body and I and I step on something.
And I step on a, um, a thumbtack or a, you know, a sewing pointer needle, then
I'll, then I'll do that, you know, uh, I'll make that sound kind of.
No, that one, that one's too fake. That one I don't really make. Um, this is
the end of the year. This is the end of the year.
2019. 2019. We knew it would end. We knew it would end when we got into it. And
Santa's come. Everybody's popped through.
Santa. Um, who else? Wolverine. Who else came out this year? The Avengers. I
don't even know. Everybody.
It happened. It happened. It's done. 2019. Almost in El Libros. In the books.
In the books.
And I'm just trying to get some of the sounds that are stuck in my body from
the year. I'm trying to just get them out of me.
You know, you ever want to do that? Sometimes I just want to just, oh,
sometimes I just want to get a little bitty freaking evil person.
Just like a little bitty, just like a little devil. And I just want to just
choke him. Uh, I want to choke him.
Oh, okay. Good to be here. Um, happy almost new year to you.
I hope that the holiday was a good one for you. I hope that you got what you
wanted. You had fun.
You, uh, you did what you wanted to do. I went down to, uh, Louisiana.
And I enjoyed myself.
You know, I watched the children open their gifts.
You know, the kids got, you know, Bobby and Janet got a, got scooters, you know,
little Leroy got a damn, uh, you know, uh, tickling doll or something.
It wasn't a tickle me Elmo, but it was just like a kind of a cheaper one.
And it just, somebody wrote tickle me on the side of it.
It was like a tickle me, uh, um, he man or something or tickle me.
Um, I don't even know.
It honestly looked like a little bit of like a kind of a soft statue of Al Roker,
but you know, some bootleg toys and shit like that.
Cause you Christmas man, anything you could get, dude, if it's an infant too,
you give him anything, bro.
Give him a little fucking, give him a little, um, little dime sack of, uh, sawdust.
You know, you'd give anything to a beautiful infant.
But I had fun, had fun, spent time with the, the fam.
Hung out with my mother.
We had a nice time.
I gave her some earrings.
Um, my, what are, oh, the kids got merch.
My nieces and nephews got merch, man.
And they were stoked about it.
So that's that.
That's, you know, I didn't just pick it up.
I ordered it for them.
You know, I'm not just, you know, doing that.
But yeah, it was good, man.
What else?
I went to, we did the charity show in Lafayette.
So thank everybody that came out, out from there.
Uh, we actually had a caller that called in about it.
Let's hear this.
Yo, what up, Theo?
This is Dustin.
What's up, Dustin?
Thank you for calling, brother.
Onward.
I just seen your show in Lafayette.
And I was waiting in line for a meet and greet.
And I had to pee.
So my girl gave me a water bottle to go in the car and, you know, run big
yellow.
Oh, yeah, dude.
I know what you're talking about, bro.
Doing that little, uh, just drip, just doing that, just doing that self drip by
yourself in a car.
Peeing into a thing.
Yeah.
Peeing into somebody's, uh, you know, peeing into a water bottle or peeing into,
you know, if somebody has big hands and they put them together like a bowl for
you or something.
There's something so you don't have to use a regular plumbing vestibule onward.
Well, I fucked around and left the cap on and I peed on myself while waiting in
line.
Mm-hmm.
But we still got it done.
And I still met you.
The show was awesome.
Gang, gang, bruh.
Gang, gang, bruh.
That's it.
Or as my mother said when she was leaving the venue the other night, my mother
came out.
My brother and his lovely wife came out.
She said, gang, gang, darling.
That's what she said in the distance, man.
So that really, that really freaking just, that made me laugh, man.
It was real funny.
But thank you, thank you, thanks for coming out, Dustin, and, and, and the
fundraising, uh, the meet and greet, all of that for, uh, Dustin Poirier's
charity, The Good Fight Foundation.
Uh, it was fun.
Dustin came out, his beautiful wife, uh, you know, it was just, man, Lafayette
really showed out.
They really showed out, man.
So thank you for, everybody that came from South Louisiana and, and just,
people, people came from all over.
And it was, it was a time, boy.
It was a time.
Uh, yeah, dude, look, I feel you, man.
I've done that thing where you're trying to pee into something.
In college, a lot of young men will pee into things instead of going to the
toilet.
You know, you'll pee in, you know, you'll pee in a couple of milk jugs or, or
something.
Dude, I'll tell you this.
They had, when I was, um, working in Charleston, uh, when I was working in
Charleston, South Carolina, they had a smoothie outfit over there I worked at.
And it was a bootleg kind of health and wellness shop.
And it was called, uh, Frozen Options was the name.
It was like a startup smoothie deal.
Frozen Options.
And self-tanning.
Eventually it was, but that came later.
But, so, and they had a manager, the guy, it was just some guy who was
basically trying to hire people and then have set, you know, trying to hook up
with the lady.
You know, trying to hire cute chicks or even busted chicks and get them to do a
lot of tanning until they looked attractive and then make love to them.
You know, I think that was kind of some of his, you know, business model
because he was kind of sad on the inside a little.
But, um, anyway, yeah, I worked at Frozen Options, right?
And, uh, I don't know why I thought of this, but, so, at one point we got the
tanning beds.
And they had a man that came in one time, an urban gentleman, bruh, you know,
kind of, you know, a darker man.
And he wanted to do the tanning bed.
And so, I'm like, uh, you know, I'm like, you know, I, you know, you don't want
to tell anybody no, that they shouldn't do the tanning bed.
But this guy, you know, he's already, God kind of put him in the tanning bed a
little already.
So, the Lord's got his, you know, he's got that base.
And, um, because I never seen a black guy get into a tanning bed before.
So, dude, he would come, he would come, and about the third or fourth time he
came, I realized something might have been wrong with him a little bit.
But I don't know if something was.
Something also might not have been wrong with him.
He could have not been wrong, you know, or nothing.
But, but anyway, dude, so the crazy, so the wild part is I used to get high
back then.
That's when I was smoking a lot of weed and making exotic shakes for people.
Somebody'd roll in, I'd hit them with that fucking peanut butter and menthol,
fucking, that medium, bruh.
There you go.
They're like, it's not cold.
I'm like, who gives a damn?
They said it's called frozen options.
I said, well, this is one of the options, baby.
Okay?
One of the options is not cold.
Right?
And you got that.
You know, I fucking hit somebody with that pineapple walnut little baby shake.
You know, I'm the kind of dude, I'll fucking just squeeze four cherries.
Just strangle four cherries in the palm of my hand and then just drip the, just
open my hand up and then just drip it right into your mouth.
You know, I'll put two blueberries under your tongue, bruh, and hide a fucking
pecan in your ass, bruh.
And slap your cousin, dog.
And that's right there.
That's $4.75.
You know, I'm the kind of guy, I'm serving up different options.
So, anyway, dude, this story's a little bit vulgar, but, you know, talking
about urinating and having to, you know, handle body.
And handle body, you know, things that come out of your body in places.
But, anyway, so, one time the man went in there and he had something that
happened to him.
And I heard him laughing in there for a little bit or yelling or something, I'm
not sure.
And, dude, I'm not the kind of, look, if somebody's in a tanning bed and they're
going through some shit, I'm not opening that bitch up.
Okay?
It's a nine, they're in there for nine minutes or 11 minutes, I think, this
dude.
And he was getting blacker.
He was getting more, you know, I mean, he was definitely, I don't know if he
was trying to get better at sports.
I don't know why, I still have no idea why this man was trying to get darkened
out.
But he was fucking, you know, he was really, he started out about like a Mahomes
and he finished up like around a little bit of like a kind of a, kind of a,
kind of more of a crisp Denzel.
So, that's really the range he was in, you know.
But, anyway, so, anyway, he had a bowel accident or a BM, my grandmother used
to call it.
You know, when you basically, you have a boot, you know, you do throwing a
little booty work out of your, you know, it's, this is, sorry, this is vulgar
to talk about.
But the man had a poop or something in the, what is that thing called, space
shuttle?
No, it's a, like a hot, like a little toaster.
Fuck, I was just talking about it.
Tanning bed.
The man had a little accident there.
Well, dude, I, you know, I'm working in the shake shop, bro, and this was a
startup.
So, you know, maybe you got two employees.
So, the other employee was this chick, dude, and she was, bro, this chick was
addicted to tanning.
But, anyway, so, anyway, I had to go, I had to clean the thing.
I had to clean the, I had to clean the, the self, the tanning bed of the, you
know, feces, bro, feces or whatever.
Excrement.
But, dude, I don't know, anyway, so, I don't know if I cleaned it that good or
what happened.
But, anyway, over about the next probably three months, dude, probably about,
probably about nine people got pink eye from the tanning bed at Frozen Options
and self-tanning.
And, and damn, dude, I, and then I would start seeing people around town with
pink eye and I would just feel bad, bro.
And I knew, I, dude, I cleaned that thing so hard, but I think I just, you know,
you can only, it's the, it's the dark arts, man.
You know, you can only clean, if somebody's in a, in a bunker, in a fucking, in
that body bunker, just getting that tan on and you, and they blow up, you know,
they throw some body work out into the deal, out of the bottom.
You can't always, no matter what you clean it with.
I mean, you know, the Lord himself could hand you a mop and you're not going to
get it all up.
But, and then, dude, the place went under and we sold the, they sold the tanning
bed.
So, I can't even imagine how many people got, got that itchy eye, bro.
You feel me?
But, hey, things happen, man.
Things happen sometimes.
So, if you've ever had pink eye in Charleston, I'm just saying, man, that's one
of the options, dude.
That's one of the options, bro.
Because I worked in the smoothie place, dude.
I remember one time this lady came in.
This lady was a damn Muppet.
And she looked at the sign and all the different fruits and different options.
And she came up and she goes, what's blueberries?
And I fucking lost my mind.
Because this lady is probably about 40 years old.
What's blueberries?
And she just had never heard of them.
So, but then on the same foot, man, on the other side of the bunion or whatever
they say,
