Name: Fortune Feimster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #254
Uploaded: 2020-01-09T14:05:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fortune Feimster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #254' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fortune Feimster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #254' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-09. Transcript available.

Fortune Feimster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #254

Today's guest has a new special coming up on Netflix.
She is multifaceted, and she's a wonderful storyteller.
She's very entertaining, and I'm happy that she's here with me today.
The wonderful Fortune Feimster.
Amanda Bond's got a face tattoo.
Can we bring that up next?
Fortune, thanks for coming in.
Hey, Theo.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah, man.
That's cool.
Nice to see you.
This is really cool.
Yeah, it's really sweet of you to come by.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, can you bring that up next?
Sorry.
I just want to see this.
I just saw this on the news.
Oh.
Amanda Bond's got that face hitter right there.
Hey, it's not even a good heart.
Is that a heart?
It looks a little...
It's like somebody got drunk and tried to make a heart,
but it's like kind of a lopsided O.
It's like a tattoo a buddy of yours would give you like in Syracuse
or something at a party, you know?
There's like a Flint, Michigan, basic white person kind of tattoo, I think.
She doesn't look anything like she used to look.
Uh-uh.
It's so common now with face tattoos.
It's almost like...
You know, I have this idea sometimes that in the future,
the layer of...
Like this layer of skin will be...
We'll wear like an actual protective layer of skin in the future.
Because the sun will just be murdering all of us.
Oh, that's a good reason.
I don't know.
I think my thoughts were just that it'll become like an old idea.
Like, oh my God, you wore your natural skin?
What an idiot, you know?
Like we'll eventually have like a newer layer.
Because it also seemed like people are on the...
Like people are just like face tatting and just totally...
Like the old layer, it's like getting all...
It's like people are just at the end of the road with the old layer.
Yeah, the dry skin.
Yeah.
We're going to be one of the last people to like have worn our natural skin.
We'll be like snakes.
Just like...
Yeah.
Let it all...
Shed it all.
Like, all right, now for the new one.
Yeah.
And I think they'll just blow it on almost like with a...
Like a pressure wash it on or like a...
Maybe a tanning bed if you ever go to like one of the stand-up ones.
I haven't been in the stand-up ones.
I've never...
I've been in a tanning bed once.
Yeah.
And it's not great.
Oh, really?
Well, I went in my hometown...
No, I bought like a...
I've definitely been.
So yeah, no tanning bed shame here.
Yeah, no tanning bed shame.
But I...
This is obviously not a body that tans easily.
Really?
This is a body that burns.
Oh, yeah.
And this body has not seen the light of day ever.
As much as, you know, I'd love to rock a two-piece.
It's not happening.
Oh, yeah.
I'd see you in a two-piece, though.
Yeah.
So I...
In college, I bought like a package of four sessions for a tanning bed or
whatever.
I went to one, and I was like, all right, this is not bad.
And the second time I went, I got undressed, which, you know, is a feat.
Just getting undressed takes a lot of time.
It's pain.
You wear a belt or no?
Yeah, I wear a belt.
Yeah.
And I got into the tanning bed, and they hadn't turned it on.
And I was like, ugh.
And I'm all like, hello?
Hello?
No one's like, listen, because it's like, part of it's a tanning bed, other
parts
of the salon, because you got to...
Always something else.
Tanning bed.
Yeah, I used to work at a place called Frozen Options, and we had smoothies.
And then a fucking bootleg tanning that people got pink eye from the bed.
No, really?
But anyway...
Yeah.
Go on.
So like, no one's turning it on, and I'm just like, sitting there, and it's
getting cold, and I'm just like, damn.
So I got to put my clothes back on.
That's another good 10 minutes.
Yeah, it's misery.
And I'm like, peeping my head back, and I'm like, hello?
Like, no one's doing anything.
So I just, I had seen her turn it on before, so I just made, I just turned it
on, and put,
you know, the 10 minutes, whatever, I mean, that's probably a lot of stuff.
10 minutes, I think it's 10 minutes is a regular amount.
Five, I don't know.
10 is a good amount.
So I turn it on, and I get in the tanning bed, I do my thing, I get out, and
they're
all like, looking at me.
Like, they had like, looked in the, I don't know, a video or something, like I
had tried
to get more time.
Oh, like you tried to sneak a minute?
I think they tried to sneak a minute.
I'm all like, no, I did the appropriate amount of time that I paid for it, but
I could never
go back after that, because they were giving me such a stink out, like I had
stolen candy
or something.
Damn.
Oh, this bitch in here is stealing fucking hot minutes.
She's stealing hot minutes.
I was like, my body can't even take extra hot minutes.
I'm telling you, I just, y'all weren't doing your job.
Why are you looking at me like that?
So, that was my, I got, I got a tanning bed shamed.
Did you feel the, did you feel the tan after?
Was it real, did you get too much?
Did you get?
Yeah, I mean, I was like, red.
Yeah.
I mean, I was, I mean, I got as tan as my body's pigmentation will allow.
Your body only goes so tan?
Yeah, and then it just turns to freckles.
Yeah.
So, for me, it's like.
Straight to cancer, it goes.
Goes straight cancer.
Yeah.
And if we ever go out to like a beach or something, I'm that asshole with like
a towel all over
my body where you can just see like this much of my face, because I just, I'm
like, no
one expects me to be tan.
What am I doing?
Yeah.
We're going straight to cancer.
You're begging kids to bury you in the sand.
You're like, yeah, yeah, bury me again.
I'm putting everybody's umbrellas over me.
I'm like, you don't need that, do you?
All right.
I got three umbrellas covering me.
It's not sexy.
Yeah.
I think I used to love tanning.
My mom used to open the windows in our apartment by the, she would move the
dinner table over
and open the windows and put a lawn chair right there.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
But you'd have a little bit of beer and catch some sun right there.
Yeah.
Let me see that tattoo one more time, Nick.
Do you mind, brother?
I guess she got it, huh?
Is it permanent?
I mean, it looks like some of my nephew drew on her.
Is it a heart?
Drew on her.
Yeah.
It looked like a large sock.
I think it's a heart.
You remember when she, remember she was a childhood star and then she really, I
guess she's, I don't
know if she struggled from addiction or she had mental health issues, but she
went.
Might have been a combo.
I don't remember, but I mean, she was known when she was growing up has been
very girl
next door.
You know, she was in all those movies where she played the cutesy, like, you
know, nice
girl.
And then she, yeah, she went deep.
She was like tweeting about wanting Drake to murder her pussy.
I think that was her words.
Well, first of all, we've got enough black crime in America.
Okay.
I don't think that we need Drake.
And I don't think Drake is the guy who's going to murder the pussy.
No.
Drake seems like the guy that'll maybe like sneak up on the pussy and tickle it.
It might, you know, get a little romantic with it.
But I think that was the cry for help where everyone's like, oh no, she's in
trouble.
Yeah.
Things aren't going well.
Things aren't going well.
Oh, and then she threw a bong out of a window too, I think.
I remember.
Oh, really?
Oh, there's the Drake.
Right.
Didn't he, wasn't that the correct term?
Oh, it murdered my vagina.
Sorry.
I made it crasser.
It's all right.
She's still a lady.
She was a lady about it.
She said, murder my vagina.
Yeah.
That's pretty gangster, actually.
But I think I had read a story about her like a year ago where she had gotten,
she'd gone
to get some help.
I don't know, the mental stuff or any sort of addiction.
I'm not sure what it was.
And she was taking classes at the Fashion Institute in downtown.
Oh, wow.
So she was trying to get, you know.
Just do something new.
Yeah, pull it together.
And maybe she felt like she didn't want to be a celebrity.
Oh, yeah.
She graduated college from FITM.
Yeah.
Just in June.
FITM.
Yeah.
I went to FITM.
FITM.
You know what's interesting?
There's a story, when I was, I was working on a dog show one time or a pet show
or something
just years ago.
Like you were on the show?
It was, yeah.
I was hosting.
It was about pets or something.
Something about animalia, you know.
Yeah.
And so we went to a dog place where they had, where rich people had their dogs
go for the
day if they were going to be out of town.
Yeah.
And it's nice in there.
They got AstroTurf and they got fucking magical, you know, they got food from
like
exotic, you know, like the dogs were having turkey for lunch.
Like they had chefs making the dog's food.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
Like you see a guy in there with a pot and like stirring it.
Every dog's getting CBD oil.
The guy's got a white glove on.
Yeah.
You would see dogs.
Yeah.
One dog was getting, one dog was getting a dime and put on one of his incisors
in his
mouth.
Like it was fucking, and that was Little John's dog actually.
Dude, they said that, this is true.
They said that Little John's dog had been there for a month and that, and he
had gotten the
top of the line stuff for it.
Yeah.
So all the dogs had to play in one area and then Little John's dog had his own
fucking
like little hotel area.
Yeah, for sure.
He had a penthouse.
Yeah, yeah.
He had a penthouse.
But at the place.
That's right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The, but Amanda Bynes' dog had been there for two months.
Oh, wow.
And it was a, like a hot, it would look like a slipper that was alive.
You know, one of those kind of dogs.
Yeah.
You know, like a big slipper.
A big, like a big furry slipper.
There's fur everywhere.
Okay.
Fur.
You didn't know where the eyes were.
You didn't know where the ass was.
Yeah.
You'd like, you'd like give it a treat and suddenly you'd put the treat in its
butt.
You know, you were like, where's the face on this thing, you know?
Oh, my gosh.
And, but it loved me, dude.
It was following me around like a fucking hot Ewok, you know?
Oh, man.
And, and they're like, hey, we'll give it to you for a thousand bucks.
You know, it's been here for so long that we, you know, we can't really board
it anymore.
We're going to have to give it up.
And I had a chance.
A thousand bucks is pricey for.
That's, at the time, it was real pricey for me.
Yeah.
You know, now I might go 800 on a fucking Bichon or something, you know?
That's right.
But at the time.
But that, but that dog didn't sound like a thousand dollar dog.
But it loved me though.
It kept, it was almost like the parent I never had, like in the distance.
It was, every time I turned around, it was like about 30 feet away.
Yeah.
Fucking just like kind of a little.
Giving you a thumbs up.
Yeah.
Kind of or something.
Yeah.
So it could have been an erection coming out of the fur.
It could have been a thumb.
But yeah.
So, and I, and I, and I, and I said no.
And I wish I'd have said yes.
Really?
Because the dog really liked me.
Yeah.
Do you have a dog now?
I don't.
And I've never had a dog.
Yeah.
That was the closest I ever came was having Amanda Bonds dog.
And so, uh, I wonder what ended up happening to that dog.
I don't know.
Because.
You see if there's any information about that?
We're making Nick work today.
Nick, can you call, make some phone calls?
Yeah.
Can you, uh, get its tracking number?
I bet I could actually send her a DM and ask her.
Like what did, she probably didn't even realize she had a dog.
Yeah.
She's like, what?
Had a dog?
I wonder, reunited with pet dogs, she accidentally drenched with gasoline.
I didn't smell any gas on it.
Oh, wait.
Was that the same dog?
There was a picture of it right there.
Let's see if we can.
She accidentally, that doesn't look like, that's maybe a different dog.
Unless that was the dog as a puppy.
The Hillmont.
Does that look like it, Theo?
That looks like it if it, that looks like it if it had gone, had like Nicholas's
cage's life.
Like it looks, it had a lot more hair than that when I met it.
Well, it says she tried to set fire to it.
What?
That's like Adele, kind of.
This was 20