Name: Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #258
Uploaded: 2020-01-30T13:17:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #258' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #258' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-30. Transcript available.

Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #258

Today's guest is a fellow Louisiana native comedian.
He is one of a kind.
You can see him tonight at the La Jolla Comedy Store in San Diego
and touring all across America.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mark Normand.
Are those prescriptions?
No.
Going for it.
Yeah, I just like having, I don't know what it is, man.
This year I started feeling so uncomfortable sometimes
that sometimes it gives me a little bit of like a,
I don't know if it almost makes me feel like I'm in disguise almost.
I do the same with sunglasses.
Do you?
I just feel better with sunglasses on.
It's like a poker game.
I don't want you to know what I'm doing, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I have this constant perception or this constant fear,
something that everybody knows what I'm thinking even though they don't.
Me too.
That's why I can't look people in the eye
because I feel like they can see it in my head in a weird,
this is all gold, by the way.
We're missing it.
No, we got it.
We got it.
Ah, shit, I blew it.
Hold on.
I'm going to get a little closer.
I'm a weirdo.
No, these shares are limited.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
This is nice, man.
Good digs.
Yeah, thanks, man.
It's been a little over three years that we've been podcasting now.
This is the new medium.
This is changing the game, you know?
It's interesting, huh?
Yeah, New York is way behind.
Yeah, why is that?
Do you feel like New York is behind in the podcast world?
Well, we're such purist cunts, you know?
We think we're cool and great and it's all about the art.
And then over here, you guys are like, well, I'd like to make some money.
Yeah.
You know?
And we don't have any money.
Look at Dave Attell.
Dave Attell is brilliant comedian, funniest guy on the planet.
He's walking around with a CVS bag and a black hoodie on.
Yeah, somebody said he had graffiti on his back the other time I saw him.
Yeah, he probably fell asleep at a train station.
And then Joe Rogan is, you know, driving 17 cars and living in a warehouse, you
know?
Drinking space blood, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So we gotta take a little note from you guys on that.
Yeah, but it's kind of picking up.
You have a podcast.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Tuesdays with Stories, baby.
It's cooking, finally.
And I know people love Chris DiStefano and Giannis' podcast.
They're killing it.
They're killing it.
Tim Dillon.
Oh, he moved here, actually.
He moved here?
He moved here.
That fat homo.
I know.
Damn it.
Well, we got Schultz.
Yeah, you got Schultz over there leading the charge.
All right, all right.
Yeah.
He's got that.
That thing is so funny, Rob.
I know.
It kills.
That guy is a marketing guru.
He's wild, bro.
He's such a sand Christian, isn't he?
When you look at him, he has a very – if you look at Andrew Schultz, where do
you feel
like he's from?
I feel like he has the most ambiguous – I don't know what ambiguous means,
but –
Jew-y, Middle Eastern-y, or could be Italian, could be Russian.
Yeah, you're right.
And he's got the cheese stash, and that throws you off.
Is his Uber driver?
Is he a DJ?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Porn star?
He would drive Uber black, though.
Yes.
Yes, exactly.
And he would know about all the cool nightclubs and shit.
He'd have probably some pussy in the trunk.
Oh, trunk pussy.
That's the best kind.
Something would be in the trunk that was for sale if he were driving Uber black.
Right, right.
Yes, like old VCRs or some shit.
Or Blu-ray.
I'm going to have Blu-ray.
What is Blu-ray?
I've always heard about it.
Is that the Uber black of DVD?
I think it is.
I think it's just something else that they try to really upsell people on,
because I
don't think it really – Blu-ray never really took off.
Well, I worked at Blockbuster, not bragging, and it was like the Blu-ray
section was like,
oh, shit, look at this guy.
It was like VIP.
It was velvet roped and had bottle service over there.
It was different.
But I never got it.
Yeah, I never had Blu-ray.
Actually, it scared me because it seemed like it wasn't going to catch on.
Yes, yes, exactly, exactly.
That's why I never did it.
Like Bitcoin.
Yeah.
I heard there was a huge fight in the beginning between HD DVDs and Blu-ray,
they were kind of like similar, both better than regular DVDs, but Blu-ray won
because
the porn industry adopted it.
Oh, porn is big.
Porn is so powerful.
Do you watch?
I try not to watch, but I have watched probably within the last 11 hours.
Same, same, yeah.
I had a blocker on my phone, and it quit working.
Once the blocker worked on my phone, it worked for about two and a half years.
You had a cock blocker.
Yeah, literally.
Bro, it wiped it out of my – there was no – I can't access it on my
computer,
but on my phone, I can't, and I need to get a new blocker.
Yeah, but it's tough.
But it changed my game.
When I got the phone blocker, I was off for months and months.
Well, you know porn is dangerous because if you don't watch it for five days,
and then you look at it again, you're like, whoa!
It comes all back to you like, this is amazing, but it's bad for you.
It hits all the senses.
It's too much.
It's like ketchup.
It's too dark, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, and you can see anal and Asians and Jews.
Oh.
It's tough.
And are there – I don't know, is there a Jew section on there?
I don't know.
There should be.
There should be like Nazi porn.
Yeah.
There's every other kind of porn.
There's racist porn.
There is?
That's a category.
Racist porn?
Yeah, and it's like, you know, oh, they got the Asian,
they throwing egg rolls at her and shit.
Oh.
I mean, I didn't make that up.
That's real.
Yeah, no, it doesn't seem like something you would just fabricate.
If it was, it'd be pretty good.
China has Nazi-themed bars.
Oh, I could see that.
Yeah, but it's not like we hate Jews.
It's just they already existed, and, you know, that's a theme.
The China – have you been over there to do stand-up?
I did some Shanghai, and I saw the Great Wall and all that.
Yeah.
Not a humorous people.
I mean, we're doing better now with the Ali Wongs.
Is she Chinese?
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
I'm Shane Gillis-ing right now.
But, yeah, yeah.
She's Chinese enough, I think.
Yeah, something's up.
Ronnie Chang, he's got to be Chinese.
He's got to be Chinese.
If he's not Chinese, dude, then we quit.
Yeah, if he's not Chinese, he's Russian.
Oh, she's from Pacific Heights.
She's from San Francisco.
Oh, so there you go.
Yeah.
That's Chinatown.
Yeah, that's the trolley Chinese, they call them.
She's very funny.
Big fan of the Wong.
Yeah.
Oh, Kobe.
So I went into Pornhub last night.
I went into the search, because I like the compilations.
And Kobe Bryant was the first thing that popped up.
Wow.
Isn't that wild?
That means that's how people mourn.
People want to get in there and see Kobe Bryant pornography?
I guess.
You think it's women that look like Kobe, or is it men?
I didn't click on it, but I think it's, I think, I guess ladies or gay guys are
like, I want
to fuck, or watch a Kobe-like guy fuck.
I'm sure there's a lot of men who are getting, like, kind of lean gay men who
are black men,
tall men, who are getting probably extra work right now on the escort circuit.
Yes!
Isn't that weird?
Like, this guy died, let's bring him in.
Yeah, do you have a jersey?
Come on over.
Yeah, I wouldn't think like that.
Uh-uh.
You know, I liked Ralphie Mae, but I'm not Googling that, although he's not
sexy, but.
Yeah, but I'm not going to eat 40 Tyson dinners and jerk off somewhere.
Yeah, exactly.
In a box, you know?
Yeah.
Exactly.
And RIP Ralphie Mae.
That's so crazy how, it's so wild how quickly someone goes from being here to
being gone,
isn't it?
It's just so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's an eye-opener.
You kind of go, shit, I could go at any minute.
I got family, and then my friends, and what if they go?
And yeah, he had a lot more to do, I feel like.
Do you, yeah, that's the feeling.
And also, and also that he just got done really working.
Like, you know, that whole stretch of like being an athlete, like, even though
it's glorified
and stuff a lot of times, and it's a popular job, and people love seeing it, it's
also, it's
still a ton of work.
It's like.
Oh, yeah.
That man was, I mean, he played in the summer leagues, he played on the Olympic
teams,
and that was working for 20 years.
Totally, totally.
And it's kind of why he crashed, because he was doing so much that he couldn't
sit in LA traffic,
so he had to get helicopters.
But I'm not a big NBA guy, but I watched his documentary, and it blew my mind,
because
it relates to stand-up.
You can put a, you know, a parallel, and just hard-working, and there's a story
of him,
he went to basketball camp as a kid, and like three months of camp didn't score
one basket.
Not one!
And he said he felt like he let his dad down, because his dad was a player, he
let his uncle
down, and then he just kept working and became the best.
Yeah, I think that's one thing that, like, because I've never been a big Kobe
fan, I was
a big Jordan fan.
You know, Zion's got me back into the NBA, some of the Pels, you know?
I like Zion, yeah.
Yeah, it's exciting.
But I always marveled at how he had, people from around the world really gravitated
towards
him.
Yeah, yeah.
And I marveled at his work ethic, it just seemed, like, there was nobody else,
like,
in the fourth quarter of games and stuff, who was, who it seemed like not only
wanted
the ball, but it was gonna be able to handle it better than anybody.
Yeah, yeah.
And he was tough, and scary, and competitive, but I feel like as he grew, he
got more gentle
and loving.
Like, he would shout out to the younger guys, like, you're doing great.
And we've all been, you know, when you start out in stand-up, you're like, who's
this
young cum guzzler coming up on my heels?
And then after a while, you're like, wait, I'm good, he's good, why can't we
all be good?
Yeah.
And I'm gonna give him a nice tweet.
Do you think, like, was there something that, like, say when, like, a death
like that happens,
is there something that you kind of think, like, sometimes I wonder, like,
where does it
hit me?
Like, does it hit me that I'm, like, scared of, like, leaving, scared of
missing people?
Like, I wonder, like, what is it about, like, specifically about death that,
like, you
know, really gets me the most?
Well, I think it's a couple things.
One, it's just so final.
There's no, like, next try or let me redo.
And then...
Right, there's no more email.
There's not, like, another email.
You don't get another email.
Nothing, nothing.
You know, you write a bad tweet, you delete it, you write another one.
This is it.
Yeah.
You're typos out there.
Two, you want to be, you want to have put, like, a little dent on the earth a
little
bit, like, have some videos, some photos, some change.
And he's got kids.
I know.
Ah, the whole thing sucks.
It should have been, uh, should have been Curry.
Is that Curry, you think?
No, I'm joking.
I'm joking.
It would have been too harsh.
I think if he, if it would have been Sam Perkins, you remember him from the Sonics?
You want to bring up a picture of Sam Perkins, please?
Pull up Perky.
Yeah.
It's been a while.
He's one of the first extremely stoned players to play well.
But also, Kobe...
He shot a three into the stands one time.
No!
Completely the wrong way, yeah.
Wow, that's, yeah.
One of a kind.
He should be put to death for that.
Oh, I was picturing a white guy.
Sam Perkins.
I don't remember him.
Oh, yeah, one of a kind, dude.
And he definitely...
Oh, look at those corners he has in that.
Yeah, it's sideways, like a diagonal corn.
Yeah, like the kind of like the Asian corn, like when they were playing it on
the mountain.
Right, right.
He played at North Carolina with Michael Jordan, too.
Wow.
Ah!
He was one of a kind.
So cool.
Is there a lie?
Sometimes, you know what I...
Sadly, is when I think about dying, I don't want to have, like, lies out there
that I've
told.
Oh, yeah.
Because everything's just...
At that point, it's like when you...
It's all coming out.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
That's it.
And you can't fix anything.
You have no contro