Name: Chirp Champ | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #264
Uploaded: 2020-03-03T04:18:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chirp Champ | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #264' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chirp Champ | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #264' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-03. Transcript available.

Chirp Champ | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #264

All right, check, check, check.
We are, we can hear it, we can do it.
We got the vibe, baby, we got that vibe, that attitude.
They used to call it attitude, and I'll take them drinks right there.
Got me a couple beautiful beverages right here, coming in right now.
Premature Nick showing up early with these bevs, boy.
Shout out Nick, that Iggy Azalea, huh?
Oh, come on, guy.
This guy has lost his mind.
This guy has lost his mind.
Yeah, I got me, sorry, I had to get me a couple nice beverages right here.
And I got that green machine or something, whatever they call it.
And I got the brown one, too, with the protein in it.
And I'm bevin'.
So if you hear somebody slizzurping over here, or somebody catching a dram,
Or somebody just adding to their own human drip over here, that's me.
That is me.
Oh, man, I can't do it.
When my heaven now, my heaven used to be different.
My idea of heaven.
My idea of heaven used to be different.
And first, let me just let you know where we are.
This past weekend.
And thank you guys for joining us here.
I'm Theo Vaughn, and I'm part of this past weekend.
And when I was young, my heaven now, when I was young, heaven was different.
I thought, oh, you go to heaven.
The first thing I thought about, honestly, was the food.
I thought about the food.
Because, you know, if I'm going all of that way, and I'm dying to even get into
the joint.
They better have some entrees, you feel me?
They better have a couple soup du jour's and duge mine, baby.
We all better be having soup.
And that's the first thing I thought about when I was a child.
When I thought about heaven, I thought, oh, man, they're going to have all the
different, you know, you have a breakfast item right here.
And you have a little over there.
You got an extra chocolate area if you want to run through there and get some
chocolate or do that or whatever.
You know, I just thought they have spare rib, that kind of stuff.
I'd never even had spare rib, but I'd heard about it.
And sometimes if you met like a rich man or something like that when you were
young and you smelled his breath, you might catch that hit of SR off that bad
boy.
I'm talking about spare rib.
And you get that just, oh, okay.
I see what y'all doing at home.
Y'all got a little bit of cash at the house.
But that's what I thought about heaven when I thought about heaven.
When I was a child, my heaven had all kind of, they had food.
They had a big table with food on it.
And then what else?
Sorry.
They had a lot of clouds.
I remember my heaven.
It was a cloudy heaven.
Like, and not like, I guess, not like 70% chance of rain or anything like that.
Or it was overcast, but fluffy.
That was my idea of heaven.
It was overcast, but fluffy and kind of warm.
Like, probably clouds that were maybe, you know, 400 count or 200 count.
Or at least 80 count.
Dude, I got some pillows at home.
These bastards are probably about four count.
You can feel the quills from the, I don't even know what animal it was.
It said it was goose, but I bet it's, I bet it's a little bit more of a warbler.
It seemed like they plucked about 2000 warblers and threw these, these feathers
into the pillow.
But every, you got to, if you lay in one position, then that quill comes out
and gets you.
You got to turn.
It's like, oh man, right there.
No, no, no.
And finally you get in the right spot.
And with no quills.
And that's when you're like, oh, hell yeah.
Come on, boy.
Now we living.
Now we're living, just laying in the Lord's lap, baby.
When you get that nice, comfortable pillow.
I can't believe people don't have pillows installed around our head or neck.
People get tattoos all the time.
Oh, that's, that ain't comfortable.
You see somebody with a tattoo.
It's nice.
It's artistic.
It's drawing.
But it isn't, you know, it's not, it's not comfortable.
If I saw somebody got a pillow sewn into the back of their head.
Come on, boy.
I'd be right.
Look, I would understand it.
I say, oh yeah.
I see what you're doing there.
That with you, you just got that big, just that, that way anyway.
Somebody, even if you fall down, you have that nothing.
Stay down.
You trip over something, stay down.
Now you're napping.
There's definitely a beauty.
I think of, uh, you know, I think there's just going to be new things we're
going to start doing in the future that we're not doing yet.
Where we're taking care, you know, you know, sew a pillow to your head or, um,
you know, add, uh, maybe some piping or something on the outside of our knees
and legs to give us more sturdy.
Because people aren't that sturdy.
Run, run and push someone.
I bet you they fall over.
Nine out of ten times, if you run and push somebody, that bitch is going down.
But then change your game up, change your vibe up.
If they, if they, if they got, you know, a couple of pieces of PVC pipe hooked
on each leg, baby, who knows what could happen?
It might take you a half hour to really bring them down to the ground.
So anyway, just kind of, but, but what was your idea of heaven when you were
young?
You know, what was it?
And what is it now?
That's what I think.
Now my idea of heaven, no emails, no emails, no smartphones, just dumb phones.
Remember the dumb phone?
Do you remember the dumb phone?
You had to go over to it.
It was making a loud noise.
You had to pick it up.
And somebody would ask, they got to ask for one person.
Is, uh, is, is Randy there?
Nah.
And you could lie to him, bro.
You could lie so easily.
You could, even if you were Randy, you could be like, uh, Randy ain't here.
Oh, you got the wrong number.
We don't even have a Randy around here.
Let me see if Randy is here.
Randy?
Nope.
He ain't here.
Remember that, man?
With the dumb phone, you could, anything.
The dumb phone, and also, if you, if you answered, you didn't want to talk to
somebody, you could wrap the cord.
It had a cord.
You could wrap the cord around your neck.
T-Y-O-L, bro.
Take your own life right there.
You're like, dang, man.
What happened to Bert?
You'd be like, well, somebody called.
He couldn't handle it.
And now he's in heaven.
But yeah, that's my heaven.
No email.
Dumb phones only.
And what else?
Still food.
Still food.
And I'm thinking now more nachos, more chicken piccata, maybe.
Where else?
What else would I have?
Definitely still the desserts, but more of like I would go with a coconut.
When I was young, it could be anything.
Just sugar.
It could be a table full of sugar.
I don't even care.
Just let me stick my head in it for about 19 seconds.
You know, I don't even care.
I don't even, I don't care if they just put a bunch of Laffy Taffy under my
tongue and punch me right in the mouth.
You know, when you're young, you don't care.
But now when I'm older, I want my heaven to be a little bit more.
I don't know.
I guess I just want different things in it.
I want, you know, I definitely want, I want a lot of people there.
And, but honestly, dude, if somebody's real chatty, you could DH them, bro, put
them in a different heaven.
Because I ain't, when I go to heaven, dude, I ain't doing a ton of listening.
Okay, I want a quiet heaven.
So if y'all want to get a different heaven, if they got kind of a more urban
heaven or something, then y'all can do that.
But my, I'm staying in that low, just kind of mild, maybe a breeze.
The loudest thing is a breeze.
You know, maybe a breeze that could sing.
So it's just kind of lonely teardrops.
You know, a breeze that kind of just could also, you know.
Oh, you got that yummy eye.
The branch is green beside me.
Like I just don't want anything real loud in my heaven.
But, we'll see, man.
And I want the joy there too.
I want everything to be joyous.
I probably won't even be able to judge when I'm in heaven now.
There won't be as much judgment.
Gosh, that would be nice.
To have less judgment.
Imagine somebody, just imagine that.
That would be really just the biggest piece in my whole heart and brain.
If there was less judgment inside of me.
Because if you crack me open, dude, you got about a thousand Judy's fallout,
bro.
Because I'm judgment.
I'm judgment, bro.
Dude, if you saw me at a flavor for ice cream, I'm judgment chocolate chip,
papa.
It's hard not to judge sometimes.
You know, it's hard.
But also, the judgment of me allowed me to be able to do stand-up comedy.
And do comedies.
So, there's, you know, it's, that's double sword, man.
But, but yeah, what was your heaven like now?
Do you have a different heaven?
And now, I think more there is.
When you're a kid, a heaven is just, they got animals there, but you could pet
them more, I think.
They have alligators, but they're not dangerous.
You might see an alligator, and he's, you know, if you ask him if he's ever
eaten like human,
then he would, he would tell you, but he would, he wouldn't just tell you in
front of everybody.
He would kind of whisper to you later, or kind of write it on a, you know,
maybe on a, on a napkin or something.
Or something, give it, slip it to you.
Say, yeah, I've had a little bit of, you know, you know what I'm saying?
I've had a couple viettes by the river, you feel me?
I've had a couple, uh, couple bad bitches came down by the water.
And I was on, right.
But I think, you know, it's just different now because, what am I talking about?
But, I don't know.
Um, but yeah, if you have, what was your, did you have a different heaven when
you were young as to what your heaven idea is now?
You know, now my heaven has more like loved ones in it.
It's not just about what I want.
It's more, I think about a little bit of, you know, there's other people.
I want to make sure everybody, you know, gets in.
You know, it's like, I don't know.
Anyway, if you ever thought on what your heaven was like as a child, maybe.
If you had an idea of heaven.
And if, what it's like now.
And some people, you don't believe in heaven, that's fine.
You out here working, just kind of milling around, baby.
That's, it doesn't sound fun to me.
I like more of like a, you know, that's, I'm a romantic.
You know, I'm a romantic, so.
But, what else?
Just got off the road, man.
I'm tired.
And I am tired.
And sometimes I pretend I'm not tired, dog.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I could use somebody to just stitch a real big ass pillow to the back of my
head, son.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
But I think we'll see that as the future goes along.
We'll see more accoutrements that are built onto us to help us live through the
daily day.
Because it's amazing.
We still have to wear like a SPF to fight the sun.
You would think that they would have some sort of an enzyme or something we
could just put right into us.
An injectable or even like a spare layer of skin that we could just kind of
roll on.
You know, or dip ourselves in once a year.
Like, what'd you get for Christmas?
Oh, I got dipped, you know.
So.
Oh, okay.
So no sunblock for you.
You could just do whatever you want.
Yeah, you know.
You know.
But then all the ladies will be like, they only want to date guys that have
been dipped.
And they don't want to see some poor guy that's rubbing.
You know, doing it the old way.
Just laying that.
Just that human drywall cream, that SPF.
You know, it'll be different.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
But I never have, boy.
Gang.
Thank everybody that came out this weekend.
We had a great time traveling over there on the eastern side.
And.
And where did we go?
Oh, we went to Oxon Hill.
No, we went to Red Bank, New Jersey.
And man, we had such a time.
Yeah, we had such a time there in Red Bank.
In Jersey, they got everything.
They got, you see, you get the whole, they got that mafioso kind of vibe.
Milling around.
You know, you could easily see.
I'm having some smoothie, bro.
This is good, huh?
Hmm.
Hmm.
Dang, man.
I'm having a lot right now.
I didn't think I was going to have this much.
Hmm.
But I need it.
I guess I needed it.
Or I wouldn't have had it.
Let me have some of this green drink.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But if you had, maybe if you never noticed, if you had a certain idea of heaven
when you were 