Name: Chris Distefano 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #265
Uploaded: 2020-03-05T17:18:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #265' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #265' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-05. Transcript available.

Chris Distefano 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #265

Today's guest is a friend of mine from our time on the Opie and Anthony show
and Opie and Jim Norton as well, sorry.
He is a comedian. He's one of the hosts of the History Hyenas podcast.
It's my friend and what is not an ally called?
Oh, and nemesis, Mr. Chris DiStefano.
I'll sit and tell you about stories.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you about stories.
Do you speak to Opie anymore?
No, it's going to be with Steve.
Yeah.
And then that guy died.
Carl.
Yeah.
God, that's so sad, huh?
Yeah.
Carl Rose.
That guy's a beautiful guy.
What happened to him?
He's a great guy.
Was it drugs, you think?
I think drugs didn't help him and Sherrod.
But I think it was just eating, you know.
I personally think that, just my opinion, that he was really fucking sad and
devastated when his wife divorced him.
Oh, his wife left him, that blonde?
Wife left him, yeah.
She cheated on him with a busboy, yeah.
And he found out and then he moved to a cabin in the woods and was like, hey, I
cut her a check for whatever, 200K.
She's out of my life.
Fuck it.
I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I live in the woods now.
Every day was like shot of whiskey and, you know, fucked up food.
Firewood.
No, no, not even that.
Like, he would be like, yo, I eat McDonald's all day, every day.
In the woods?
Yeah.
He would just, and he would always post ruizing, R-U-I-Z-I-N-G, ruizing.
And so, but the food was crazy, like the worst shit, you know, Big Mac with a
devil dog with syrup on it and would eat it.
And he was like ruizing.
And people start tweeting at him, ruizing, ruizing.
And then he just didn't wake up one day.
But I think, you know, in your mid-40s, you start doing stuff like that,
anybody is apt to have a heart attack.
Yeah, it's dangerous.
Because it's like, you know.
And he's a chef, too.
We're talking about Carl Ruiz.
Yeah, Carl Ruiz or Ruiz.
Yeah, and there's shit, yeah, R-U-I-Z.
Everybody's seen that type of name, but, and also, yeah, you never kind of know
how it is.
Ruiz, Ruiz.
Ruiz.
I'm probably going to say Ruiz.
Ruiz.
The mad Cuban.
Yeah, the mad Cuban.
And he, dude, that's got to be your worst nightmare.
You are a chef.
Right.
And your wife leaves you with a busboy.
That's the rumor.
I don't know if that is actually how it happened.
That's what we were told.
That's what he said on, you know, when we used to do Opie and all that.
But it's a story of the, it's just, it's such a Greek tragedy, almost.
You're in the back of the kitchen.
Right.
You're doing it.
You're doing a lamb chop.
You're doing a scallion.
Right.
You know?
Right.
You're doing the work.
Right.
Then you got this little Millie, frickin' Vanilli guy out here.
Right.
Filling waters and frickin' offering extra butter.
And he might have been another Ruiz, too.
Most chances are a busboy working at a restaurant in New Jersey, his last name
is also Ruiz.
So it's all in the family.
It's kind of whack.
Because he raised her kids like they were his own.
Wow.
Because those weren't his biological children, but they called him dad and
everything like
that.
And he just left, man.
And then he had just opened up this beautiful brand spanking-ass new restaurant,
I believe,
in Midtown.
And then he fucking died like a month into it.
And was the restaurant still going?
Hell, yeah.
I think the restaurant is closed now because he's gone.
Or maybe it changed.
Something changed about the restaurant now.
But yeah, it was such a shocking thing when he died.
Carl Ruiz.
His breath always stunk, though.
So I always wondered if there was something rotting inside him.
Oh, rotting in Carl Ruiz.
I always had stinky breath.
And that's no disrespect.
I'm not disrespecting the dead.
You know, I wouldn't do that.
But I'm saying, I used to say, like, his breath always smelled like hot ass.
And I'm just wondering if there was something always going on, like a hole or
something.
It seemed like he kind of took, like, did one of those Zen dip packs and never
took it out.
Never took it out.
Yeah, like he got a, what is that thing that women get if they leave a tampon
in for too long?
Like a toxic shock syndrome?
It seemed like he had toxic shock syndrome from a Zen dip.
It smelled like one of his tonsils was dead and the other one was alive.
Yeah.
Like, it wasn't all the way horrid.
But there was some part of his mouth, like a dead tooth or a dead tonsil,
something, or food stuck.
But something was always stank.
And the living one had hid the dead one and was telling the cops he didn't know
what happened to it.
Exactly.
The living one killed the dead one.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
It's true.
But, you know, R.I.P. to Carl.
I love him and I always will.
Yeah.
R.I.P. Carl Ruiz.
Yeah.
Or Ruiz.
Ruiz.
Yeah.
We call him the mad Cuban.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The mad Cuban.
And that's when you and I met, dude.
I was going to say, he's connected to us in a big way.
R.I.P. Carl, man.
R.I.P. Carl, man.
R.I.P. Carl.
Man, he had such a big heart, man.
He had such a, well, yeah, I guess, yeah, or he didn't.
I don't know what happened to him, they said.
Well, because if he died that early, he probably had a little heart.
Yeah.
But he had a big soul.
Small hearted.
Small hearted, yeah.
Small hearted.
And we got Nick Davis and Dom DePettis here, too.
Yeah.
Dom DePettis, everybody.
We didn't have enough time to get him on camera.
Yeah.
He's fine as fuck, too.
He's on camera.
We can see him.
Oh, he is?
GoPro.
Not high-deaf or anything.
Nick, you're cute, too.
Thanks, buddy.
You really are.
You're one of those rare guys that can pull off bangs.
Dang, he is kind of, huh?
He's got nice bangs, man.
Dude, you guys were just, you and Dom were just in Cleveland, right?
Right.
Cleveland at Hilarity's Comedy Club.
Thank you.
The last time I went through there, I sold like 500 seats, which for me, that
was good.
But this time, the whole weekend, 1,500 out of 1,600.
So for me, that's like a new ball field.
And I was telling you before the show, it all started when I came on your
podcast last January, got the ball rolling.
But you and Bert, when I did you guys back-to-back in the same week, I will
never forget.
I was just telling Dom this.
I had 99,000 followers on Monday, like when I came back, you know, as it came
through the weekend.
Then you and Bert released in the same week.
By Friday of that week, I had 139,000.
Wow.
So now followers, who cares about the followers?
It's not about the vanity of it.
It's about you guys gave me a real opportunity to gain your fans and give me
the opportunity for me to perform for them.
And then they stuck around.
And they're still buying.
And now they're fans of my podcast, The History Hyenas.
Because we get it all the time.
Because we're like, where did we find you?
We sent out a little service.
And it's always like, this past weekend, or Bert Show, or there's a Big Pockets
in New York, Girls Gotta Eat, Andrew Schultz.
And then recently, The Fighter and the Kid that I did a couple of months ago,
all that stuff.
It's all the podcasts.
Like, it's got nothing to do with television at all anymore.
It's just a podcast and how you can maximize that on the internet.
So, appreciate it.
Yeah.
No, man.
Well, look, I'm glad that you came.
And I'm glad you came back, man.
You got nice fingers, too.
Really?
I know that's one of those things I've never said to you.
But I've been watching your IG for a long time.
And I've been friends with you, I think, since 2013, 14.
And you got some of the nicest fingers in the game and toes.
I didn't realize that you're, because you're wearing thong-toed sandals right
now.
So, you got toes.
Yeah, yeah.
I'd like to put mustard on your toes and ketchup on your fingers and take a
bite out of your hot dog.
Is thong-toed sandals, is that too much?
Is that like a woman kind of wearing a thong?
Or what is that like?
Is that too much?
If you came out, if you, I'll be honest with you, if you came to my part of
Brooklyn, right, with the thong-toed sandals like that, there's a chance.
Like, not when you're with me, but there's a chance, like, you know, one of my
boys' names, Pat Finnegan, Paddy Fly Balls, he would hit you with a taped-up wiffle
ball bat.
Just because he would think, like, why is this dude coming out with his no
socks on?
Yeah, so you got a guy, an adult, doing frickin' the lamest crime ever, bro?
What else is he gonna do?
Are you gonna rob a bank with a slingshot, dude?
What else is he gonna do?
He used to tape quarters and nickels to the end of a wiffle ball bat and then
put tape around it and just hit people in the back of the head with it.
He'd just get lit up by Paddy Fly Balls.
Dude, when I was young, if somebody was really upset, you would go up to them
and you'd be like, you're mad.
Yeah.
You would hit your throat and say, you're mad.
And it would make them so much madder, bro.
Of course.
There's something about that when people, you're mad.
Yeah, and then you get hit.
Or what about this?
If you go like that and then they'd look, see if caught you, you'd get punched
in the stomach for that.
Yeah.
That's like an embarrassing thing.
But they don't do that stuff anymore.
That's like dangerous youth, it's like white crime, it's like white childhood
homoerotic crime.
I gotta be honest with you, though, man.
The neighborhood I grew up in, we did that white homoerotic shit, but if you
fucked with the Albanians, the Albanians in my name-
Sand Christians, they call them.
Sand Christians in Ridgewood, Queens, Ridgewood-Bushwick area, Queens, Brooklyn
area.
Bro, one time we were playing ball, right?
Somebody elbowed one of the Albanians by accident.
Kid got pissed off.
Came back 20 minutes later, 10 deep, okay?
Two of the Albanians had chainsaws, active chainsaws, running on the court with
the chainsaws, trying to take off fucking limbs.
Damn.
Yeah, so nobody ever messed with the Albanians in my neighborhood.
They had a gang out there.
But imagine somebody coming at you with a chainsaw for realsies.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, dude, I used to work, I used to do, not logging, but I did yard work for
a man.
And, yeah, you guys obviously never done any actual work.
Yeah.
But, and I had to work with this mentally challenged dude.
They called him, what was that guy's name?
Hold on.
They called him Tiger Cat, but I don't remember what his name was.
Right.
Ronnie?
Yeah, his name was Ronnie.
And they also called him Go Head Ronnie.
Go Head Ronnie, yeah.
And he was mentally disabled.
Right.
Or, yeah, he was mentally disabled.
And so one, so they, we get one chainsaw between the two of us, right?
Okay.
And he took it, you know?
And so I'm supposed to be kind of the foreman.
And he's literally lining up the thing and about to start it.
And instead of having it on a branch, has it lined up on my leg, bro.
What?
And not even, like, not, like, just zoned out.
Like, this is where we start.
And you got thick fucking tree trunk legs, too.
The top, not the bottom.
No, I know.
Because your leg, I've always noticed that.
I mean, I was always, like, thick legs, dude.
Absolutely, man.
What?
And you never really wore shorts.
I don't think you were looking at me.
You got a thick ass.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
I got a thick ass.
I got the ass of a D, kind of like a young black girl with Down syndrome.
Are you in shape?
Are you staying in shape?
You look in shape, but how do you feel?
Yeah, I don't feel, I feel tired, but I do, I did go to the gym this morning.
And I'm going to go again on Thursday.
Yeah.
And I'm going to yoga today.
Going to yoga today.
Dude, what's it like different now that if you, when people, you're selling
tickets,
like, what's that experience like?
I would say that now it's, it actually, to be honest with you, the last three
shows I've
done, three weekends I've done, at least one of those four or five shows, I
felt like
I was going to pass out and almost actively passed out at least one time a
weekend.
Because it's this new thing.
Donnie was with me in Hilarity's last week and I was calling for him about 20
minutes
into the set.
I was like, you need 