Name: Halfway to Heaven | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #267
Uploaded: 2020-03-16T13:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Halfway to Heaven | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #267' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Halfway to Heaven | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #267' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-16. Transcript available.

Halfway to Heaven | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #267

Oh, I don't know.
Okay, I am here and you are here.
And today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
And Gray Block Pizza is a special pizza establishment.
The kind of place when you get there, oh, you're going to have a good time.
It's at 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach.
Gray Block Pizza.
Get that hitter.
It's getting real.
It's getting real out there, isn't it?
Some lady at the market was yelling.
If you keep your sunglasses on, it can't get in through your eyes.
People are like, look, bitch.
Chill out.
Okay?
I'm trying to get the last peach over here.
And she's like, if you keep your sunglasses on, it can't get in through your
eyes.
And I'm trying to figure out how to make a dinner when all they got left in the
store is two bottles of sparkling water.
You know, some Perrier and a box of juju fruits.
I'm trying to figure out, okay, can I, you know, finesse that enough to trick
the kids into thinking this is some kind of gumdrop soup or something.
And this bitch is in the, if you keep your sunglasses on, the virus can't get
in through your eyes.
So, we wanted it all.
And we got it.
This is it.
And let's make the most of it.
This is Spencer Jacob Grau with Celebrate.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pain.
All of your demons exercised.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
That music, huh?
Nice to have a little beat.
Nice to have a little beat to get you through something.
Nice to have a little beat to get you through something.
I hope everyone finds themselves well.
Check in.
Check yourself.
Check in with yourself.
Feel your legs.
Feel your arm.
Feel your cousin, bruh.
Check his neck.
Hey, he's, what is he?
Does he have that pulse?
Okay, he's good.
Henry's good.
You know, little Cheryl is good.
Okay.
All right, all right.
Everybody's fine.
Everybody's fine.
There's a lot of, you know, there's, there's definitely something happening.
There's something going on.
There's a lot of reaction to it at the same time.
You know, there's definitely a, there's a fiddler on the roof.
You know, you got some, you know, you have some, you got a dirty bad boy with a
fricking, with a sneaky violin, you know, strumming on some people's DNA right
now.
And that's COVID-19.
Who you think, if you heard any other year you hear COVID-19, you're thinking
that that's somebody on, you know, max preps or somebody that's going to be a
high school All-American right there.
That's a wide receiver.
Oh, they got COVID-19, dude.
They're probably going to have to, you know, they're going to have to move the
strong safety over to help double team.
But now it's a disease, man.
And it is, it's, it's, it's getting some people.
Now I'm not, look, I'm not, some people are losing it.
And you start to see who people are when this happens.
You start to see, oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Ronald buried himself in his yard.
All right.
I see how he is when a disease comes around.
Oh, okay.
Oh, Bernadette bought a hot air balloon.
And now she's just hanging out up over Memphis.
Talking shit.
And throwing down, you know, you know, empty bags of bugles, chips, and talking
shit.
People have different ways of getting away from it.
If you, if you cut off the news, that definitely helps you live.
I'll tell you that.
That will help you live.
You know, I've been in Maui for the past week.
And I want to thank everybody that came out to the show over there.
Man, it's just, Maui is just amazing.
It's amazing.
It's just, if you never, you know, Mexico, I love, you know, I love Mexican
food.
I love Mexican people.
The, but the beaches are good there, but they got glass in the sand, baby.
They got glass in the sand.
But you go down to Maui.
Huh.
You don't even know what happened.
Dude, you put your feet in the ocean and it feels like the water just feels
like somebody's just,
just kind of, I don't want to say this, but kind of just kind of fucking you
right between each one of your toes, bro.
That's how it feels, honestly.
And that's how, what I think.
It's just, they have that vibe, baby.
It feels like a big, huge fucking gorilla is just giving you a fucking massage
from the inside of your body.
And that is, that's the rapture, baby, right there.
That feels good.
And that's what's going on over there in Maui.
I mean, even the, the hitchhikers have halos on.
You're halfway to heaven.
You know, you got, some dude's choking to death on something, you, you reach in
his mouth and pull it out.
It's a statue of baby Jesus right there.
Some dude got a BJ in his throat.
Because you're halfway to heaven, man.
It's just that kind of place if you haven't been.
And that was, that was really the last show of the tour, except for one more
coming up in Nashville.
And I see a lot of other comedians.
I'm not going to name names.
Chris D'Elia, Brennan Schau, you know, Bobby Lee.
Canceling their shows, dude.
But I'm telling you this, my show, April 17th in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium,
is still a go.
Okay, not like these other B.A., and that means bitches, comedians.
My thing's a go.
Yeah, the virus, though.
People's freaking.
People are freaking out.
We had somebody call from the Maui show.
I'm going to check in with them real quick.
This call came into the hotline.
Here we go.
Hey, CEO.
It's Ra.
Just saw your show tonight at Maui.
Oh, hello, Ra.
And thank you for calling, Ra.
And I appreciate your call.
Onward.
And, man, it was so good.
And Maui has special characters.
Maui has special characters.
I'll say that, you know, everybody up there is, they got, you'll see somebody,
they're growing half of their hair.
They'll have, like, dreadlocks.
And then half of their hair will have crops built into the side of it.
They'll be growing wheat up half their scalp.
Just, just really.
And the other half, they're growing weed.
You know that.
You'll have a dude, you'll crack open a coconut and inside there'll be a
homeless dude in there smoking DMT.
Just right, you're like, dang.
Like, dang, man, what's the, how many calories are in this?
You know, they just, it's just, they got a lot of missing.
If you ask anybody, they got a bunch of dudes named Patrick over there that are
missing.
Sleeping in hammocks, some dude.
Some guy got wrapped up in a hammock, fell asleep out in the sun, and you saw
the tan on his body?
It looked like somebody, like his skin had just been, was made out of just
lattice work or something.
Just really, just insane, just really baffling.
You got a lot of people, you know, you have like a lot of drum circles, a lot
of loose titty meat flopping around, you know.
And it's just something special, man, and it's beautiful.
It really is, it's like going halfway to heaven, man.
It's like going halfway to heaven if you get a chance over there.
And they got birds over there, too.
You'll see a bird you've never even seen.
Nobody's seen him.
And you'll, some of the birds, they act like they're listening to what you're
doing.
Or looking at you, like, and then fly off to tell somebody.
I'm going to go tell somebody.
Like, damn, what kind of that?
That's a freaking red-billed tattletale right there.
But it's a wonderful place, and I was so grateful to be there.
And thank you guys.
And I recommend it.
They're not tripping about the virus over there.
They're not tripping about the virus.
They're living more in the regular world.
Over there in Maui, it's the deep end of the earth, baby.
And I love it.
You know, Mexico's great, but they got broken sand in the glass.
They got glass in the sand.
And they got glass in the sand over there.
So.
All right, let's take this call right here.
Hey, Theo.
It's Garrett from Nashville.
What's up, Garrett?
And Garrett is also a, it's like a word that means something else, too.
Garrett.
Have you, you know what I'm saying?
Have you heard about this?
Garrett.
And it's also a name.
Onward.
I just really wanted to get your take on how we're going to beat this
coronavirus.
Because, honestly, it's taking over the world.
And I just want to see, I actually want to hear what you have to say about how
we're going to beat it.
And I want to hear your theories on it.
Because there are a bunch of them out there.
Gang, gang.
Love your podcast.
Gets me through the week.
Really appreciate you, brother.
Keep doing your thing.
Well, thank you for the question, Garrett.
Or Gerot.
And, uh.
And, look, man.
Can we beat it?
Bob the Builder.
Can we beat it?
Yes, we can, brother.
Yes, we can beat this.
I mean, there's a lot going on with it.
First of all, yes.
I believe that the media has made it out of proportion.
Okay?
I think they've made it bigger.
I think people, you know, some networks use it as a tool.
There's a lot of fear tactics.
I do think that.
I also think that you got to be, you got to play ahead of the ball game.
If this is that grim reaper.
If this is that dirty daddy that's going to freaking hide a knife inside of
your, inside of your spleen.
Then, yeah, you have to, you have to, this is the only way to do it.
Is to warn people in advance.
And have them prepare in advance.
You can't let things, like, part of my brain says, you know, let's get a couple
people to die.
You know, let a people, you know, people, if people die, then we will see, okay,
this thing is for real.
You know, right now it just sounds like the flu and not even as bad as the flu.
But, if there's the propensity for it to get extremely dirty, then, then they
have to do it this way.
They have to warn, they have to warn everybody now.
They have, because once it gets too late, it would be hysteria.
So, really, the way that things are being done, I think, is the only way to do
it.
Now, with that said, some people are losing their shit, bro.
Like, I was in the elevator in my apartment building.
And I could tell I hadn't seen my neighbor in a while.
Because I was in, you know, I was out of the country.
I was in Maui.
And I hadn't seen him.
And so, he, I could tell he had his kid in his arms.
They just came back from the park.
And he's a nice guy.
We really get along well.
But, I could tell this time, there was a little bit of like, okay.
Let's see who's got it.
You know, let's show, you know, let's show our, let's show our bumps.
Let's see who's got it.
And I could just tell, man, that any, that anything could be something else
that was a little different.
He didn't really stay and communicate as long.
I was a little bit uncertain.
So, some people are doing it like that.
I also went and got a Vietnamese massage, bro.
Or thigh.
I got a thigh massage.
And look, I don't care what's going on, dude.
For $35 an hour, I'll let a thigh dude beat my ass up in the back.
You know, beat my, you know, beat the, you know, beat the gristle out of my
neck.
And that's what I got.
I mean, I got that thing.
And he said it was slow in there.
And I thought, honestly, I thought the dude had been gay.
I've been going there for about a year.
I thought he was, you know, a little bit more on the boys, boys, boys, boys,
boys, but boys side.
But he showed me a picture of his wife and child.
And I was like, oh, wow.
You know, he was showing me something on his phone.
And then I saw a picture of a kid.
I said, hey, you got a child?
He said, yeah, I got the child.
So, you know, I had to, you know, I just, I said, oh, all right, man.
I gave him a nice tip.
And just, I think that's one thing we can do is be supportive of people that we
know are working in, like, industries.
We just got to, we got to even things out.
This is a way to help each other survive.
You know, it's like right now, if you have a little bit extra of something, it's
a good time to share it.
It's a good time to look in people's eyes and, you know, I think find the
humanity.
I think all of us in some ways is a real opportunity for humanity right here.
But on the other side, man, this shit is getting risky.
Shit's getting risky, man.
It could, it's like, you know, it just could go either wa