Name: Perspective Gadget | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #272
Uploaded: 2020-04-06T13:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Perspective Gadget | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #272' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Perspective Gadget | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #272' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-06. Transcript available.

Perspective Gadget | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #272

They said an animal has it, they said an animal has it, could you imagine you're
on Noah's
Ark and they got, and this, and this animal shows up, oh yeah, you heard uh,
little Perry
the pigeon, he's got it, and he's oh, he's trying, he's trying, the pigeon just
kind
of wandering around, trying not to see anybody, you know, trying not to let
anybody notice
him uh, sneezing into his um, little pigeon arm, this thing, who know, where is
it, it's
like hide and go seek with the devil, huh, that Rona boy, that Rona.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my
home
and my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's
been blown
come on now, let's go
now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves,
I must be
cornerstone, come on, no time to feel bad today baby, let's go
oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can
feel it in
my bones, come on, but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking
brake and
and let myself unwind
shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my story
shine on me
and I will
find a song
I'll sing it just for you
I've been moving way too fast
I've been moving way too fast
I've been moving way too fast
that is Shine by Bishop Gunn
and that is a beautiful band
and group of men
and rarely, a lot of time if you see a men get together
it's for, you know, it's for, it can be for sex, it could be for music
and then this instance is for music
and that's beautiful, man
PTL, baby, praise the Lord
that's Bishop Gunn with Shine right there
and
and we are alive, baby, we're alive
we are alive
check it, put, look
put two fingers on your
on your damn neck pipe, bruh
yeah
and feel that pumpity yump
you know what I'm saying
that's that
that's that living giving, bruh
that's your heart
shooting just
dude, a heart will just shoot blood out all day
a heart is baby just
basically just a machine gun of blood
you just
that thing is savage, bruh
when you think about it
probably one of the top three organs, I think
overall
good to be here with you guys
it is April
it is
2020
2020
and it's getting clear, man
it's getting clear
people out there
it's getting wicked
people
they think it just squirrely out there
you don't even know what animal has it, bruh
you see a falcon go by
he might have
you see a little
you see a labradoodle sneak over
and he trying to lick your arm or something
or lick your navel
you know, sometimes I used to put a little meat paste in my navel, bruh
and my neighbors had a little
it was like a miniature
little
I don't know what it was
Pomeran
miniature Pomeran
and I put a little meat paste in my navel
and his name was Barker, bruh
and I'd let him
suck that
you know, not suck it
but kind of lick it out
and it's
you know, that's human animal relations, brother
and I was, you know, I was happy to be part of that as a
you know, when I was young
now, can you even
can you trust an animal?
who can you trust?
welcome to hide and go seek 2020
that's what's going on
it's getting wicked
we caught up
thank you guys for being here
yeah, and I hope
I hope you guys
I hope people's holding it together
keeping their heads together
you know, you gotta
you gotta really gotta be a warrior right now
because
some people keep saying
oh, I can't get it
oh, I ain't getting it
you know, you hear a lot of rumors
oh, gay men can't get it
oh, oh, we can't get it
yes, you can, Alan
alright, y'all can get it
everybody can get it
oh, my, you know
my cousin's in the military, man
I can't get it
yes, you can, Samuel
you can get it
everybody can get it
just a lot of bad rumors
a lot of bad intel out there
a lot of bad mental hearsay
oh, you know
oh, black women
we can't get it
yeah, you can, Keisha
everybody can get it
it's just
it's a disease, man
it's a virus
and everybody can get it
and it's so sneaky
like, I wonder
if the coronavirus was a person
it would have like a mustache
it would have like
it would have regular glasses
and sunglasses
it's so like
oh, oh
it's so, it's like
it would probably talk like this
oh, oh, oh, oh
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
I don't speak English
it would say shit like that
I don't speak, I don't know
well, not from your
the coronavirus is sneaky
hey, when I was young
they had more
less sneaky diseases
remember that?
dude, remember when we were kids
the diseases were real
they had chicken pox
because somebody had hugged a chicken for too long
and if you do that
you break out because
these spots come out of your body
because God wants other people to know
hey
this is the type of person
that will hug a chicken
for much longer than they should
and so you
you know what I'm saying
it's you get chicken pox
but they were obvious diseases
you know, you knew
you saw somebody with chicken pox
oh, they got a chicken pox
you know, you saw somebody with a
mustache
oh, they got a mustache
things were obvious
but now
it's getting covert
it's getting
risqué
as they call it
but yeah, what
what would coronavirus be wearing?
probably like a turtleneck
like a sleeveless turtleneck
yeah
oh, I don't know
I'm not from around here
it would be so sneaky
it's a sneaky disease, man
we've had a lot of calls
that came in
a lot of people hitting us up
just seeing what's going on
what's up with me right now
you know, there's
there's not a ton to say
I've been doing
you know, I watched the
comedy gives back
I watched as much of that as I could
if you got to see it
I think they raised like
I want to say like
I don't even know how much
they finished raising
but I can imagine
is up near probably $700,000
for comedians
to, you know
to, you know, people that are
you know, in the comedy community
that are struggling
and that are out of work
and so that was really beautiful
and it was a damn basket fire
dude, if you frickin' had a cousin
made out of gasoline
and you fuckin' fed him matches
for his birthday
that's what this shit was
it was just audio difficulties
this and that
it was like, remember when you got
one of those shitty
those Sprint phones
hotels or whatever
but you could only
you could call people
but then you could just
also you could talk to one person
so you could call anybody you wanted
but then you'd be in the middle of a call
like yeah, everything's going good
and then your cousin
or somebody
fire department, whoever
the only other person that had to walk you
your girlfriend
she's like, we need some fuckin' milk
and you'd be like, honey
hold on, hold on, hold on, buddy
remember that thing, that next towel
we need some fuckin' milk, Randall
you're like, oh, oh, fuck
hold on, Damien
must be, lines must be crossed up
and then you
sneak, sneak, click over
hey, I'm sorry
I'll be right there
there's a long line
there ain't no fuckin' line
you're lying
oh, sorry man, I gotta go, bruh
remember that fuckin' next towel
that bitch was bright orange, dude
it looked like, it looked like you
they had it colored
because it looked like you were gonna need to be rescued
like, any time you get that bright colored shit, bruh
it's fuckin'
a lot of real poor
like, sail racks have like, real colorful bright shit
like, oh, look at this
don't you want this hot orange?
and this shit is hot orange
like, the hottest orange you could get is $3
3.40 for this
7XL
and it's like a fuckin'
v-neck
v-neck
v-neck in the front
turtleneck in the back
you're like, what?
and it's hot, hot orange, bruh
and it's always usually a, it's only a black dude could wear it
let's be honest, bruh
only a black dude could wear it
and they'll look good in it, man
it'll be triple line, that's the color
you'll see on the thing, it'll be bright, bright green
the kind of shit, like you can't
the guy, like if you drive past it on the interstate
it's obviously the definite manager of the guy who is doing the construction
it's that, it's like triple line
and it's size 14, double medium, bruh
and that bitch got two arms in the front
it's got an arm out the back
for exhaust, like heat exhaust
this shit is
I don't know what we're talking about
bright colors
they got bright colored shit
and it's mostly, it's predominantly
a lot of times for the urban community
let's be honest, bruh, because they look good in it
you know?
if white people wear really bright color shit
it look like they need to be rescued
for real talking
look, black people wear something
oh, that's triple lime
oh, Ernie got that triple lime hitter on
oh, oh
he must be getting married, you know
oh, he got that triple lime fucking overcoat
with that double vanilla cummerbund, bruh
oh, he must be, he must be doing a wedding
but if a white dude goes with that bright shit
it's definitely rescue only
you know that shit looks rescue only
let's take a call, it came in as always
the hotline
985-664-9503
gang gang, what's up man?
this is Dusty from Leesburg, Georgia
what's up Dusty over there in Leesburg, huh?
and Leesburg, Georgia
and that is, um
man, that sounds like a small place
that sounds like the kind of place where everybody
kind of, you know where the water fountain is, you know?
it sounds like you could definitely could find a wishing well over there
beautiful
onward brother
I just want to call in with some thoughts on the coronavirus
I'm, uh
kind of sick of this half apocalypse
everything shut down
half still going to work
paying my bills
which
I am appreciative of
because I understand there's a lot of people out there
without work
not able to pay their bills
but, uh
I mean, yeah
I'm just sick of fledgling in the middle here
we need to choose the side
either everything just needs to go back to how it was
we figure the shit out that way
or we go full fucking apocalypse
and we get a couple of dune buggies
and a couple of sets of shoulder pads
start shaving our heads into mohawks
and speaking simpler languages
you know what I'm saying?
like
hey man
I look
there's that
everybody
that's what I'm saying
where everybody's a lesbian
you know what I'm saying?
you fold your nuts into something
and the next thing you know
you got some vajuts down there
and everybody's a
everybody's a lesbian
do mohawks on everybody
you know what I'm saying?
ladies trim your tits down
guys sharpen up your lower ribs
and expose them bruh
and let's fucking go toe to toe
I'm
look
there's something to be said
there's a
there's
I think that seed is
that seed lives in a lot of us somewhere
that element
of anarchy
you know what I'm saying?
we got that fucking violent onion
smelling up our insides
everything is in there
and there's a lot of people
who are
who are
who are kind of like
society
society
they don't feel that the
you know the ronde jamme
or the
you know the
this
this human gumbo
that we have going on
is the best
is the best for
it's not the
it's not the
it doesn't really
fulfill their appetite
but I feel
there's this middle ground thing
like okay like okay like
I don't have my windows tinted on my
on my truck right?
so
I'm at that point where I'm like okay
do I need to
can I go get them tinted?
can I break them all out?
and hire a couple of straight up beautiful ass
fucking lean
lean with it
rock with it
viettes to hang out the back
and shoot with slingshots as I
drive
like that's where I'm at
like what things do I need to do
and what things can I not like
like where am I at?
like okay can I still go to the grocery
or is it okay to just turn my living room
into a damn garden?
okay
cause I got enough room for three
rows of sweet patates
right in front of the damn ottoman
and right before you get to that
dual deck CD
10 disker
you know I there's
it's just kind of
everything's in the middle
like what do I
I got two sides of my sink in my kitchen
like do I still need to just do the dishes at night
or I do I need to
plug both of those bitches up
and start raising farm fresh salmon
in one half of it
and shrimp in the other
you feel me?
you know I was going to have some shrimp
so yeah there's that middle ground there
it's like okay
or you know
am I still married to my wife?
like how weird does 