Name: Up to Nothing | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #274
Uploaded: 2020-04-20T13:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Up to Nothing | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #274' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Up to Nothing | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #274' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-20. Transcript available.

Up to Nothing | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #274

Um, you know, the strangest thing, um, you can ask someone right now is what
are you
up to?
Or what have you been up to?
Have you, have you had someone to ask you that yet?
Hey, hey man, what are you up to?
What?
What am I up to?
Nothing.
I'm up to nothing.
There's nothing to do.
Hey man, what you been doing?
Nothing.
Hey, hey, hey buddy.
No, nothing.
Do, do you understand?
I, I, you know, I, I realized one of my buddies is a psycho path or psycho,
whatever it is.
Psycho path.
He's like, Hey man, what have you been doing?
Huh?
Oh me.
Oh yeah, man.
I just been, you know, I just traveled.
We went to the water slide last weekend and, um, you know, we went to DiMaggio's,
you know,
that restaurant, nothing.
I've been doing nothing.
The same thing that everybody has been doing.
No matter who you are right now, you're doing, I don't care if you are Walter
Disney, you're
doing nothing.
Even people that are smoking DMT right now, no matter how hard a hit they take,
nothing happens
because there's nothing to do except podcast, I guess.
Let's go.
Yep.
It's that same song, baby.
Come on.
Come on.
Hey man, what you been up to, man?
Nothing.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time.
A little bit of time, baby.
Some TikToks.
For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
Hey man, what you been up to?
Nothing.
Nothing, man.
Absolutely nothing.
There's nothing to do.
I think like there's nothing.
I mean, I have been people like, what have you been doing?
Well, honestly, what I've been doing, usual stuff I do.
Really.
Try not to masturbate.
Or do self-pleasure.
Do self-bust.
I have been, I have learned, I've learned that I can cook.
And then I've learned that I don't know any good recipes.
That's what I learned.
I learned like, oh, okay, I'm, I'm willing to cook.
Like I find myself just making something that's around my apartment.
Like, oh, okay, I'll have a little bit of lettuce and oatmeal.
There could be something.
You know, I find myself just mixing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll have a Pop-Tart and I'll have, you know, I'll have a Pop-Tart
and I'll have two orange halves.
Or an orange.
You know, just like wild mixes.
Okay, I'll have a little, you know, some cuts of London Brawl and, you know,
and maybe four baby Snicker.
And that's dinner.
Just the, the, the connect, like things that connect there, that the, it doesn't
matter anymore.
It, you, you know, before Corvette, it was like the, the, the afternoons
connected to the lunchtime.
The evenings connected to the dinner.
But now it don't matter.
The breakfast is connected to the midnight snack.
It don't matter.
Oh, rise and shine.
You know, I got half a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and, um, and, you know, a
third of a cup of, um, you know,
baby marshmallows for you.
And don't forget to have a, don't forget to squeeze a, um, you know, a chunk of
lime into your mouth.
And, and, and that's it.
It's just, you know, the, there's the, I'm just saying that you can have
whatever you want right now.
And it can be a meal.
You don't even have to mix things.
Like before, pre, pre-Covid, you had to mix stuff.
Oh, you want to make a cake?
You need to get an egg, do an egg in a bucket, do a flour, do some milk or some
leche, some Mexican milk.
And do it like that and do it and mix it up and throw some sprinkles in it and
put out and do an oven.
And then, do, do, do, do, do, damn, you got a cake.
You got a birthday.
You got a cumpleaños, you know, circle a cake.
But now, don't matter.
You want to fucking crack an egg into your mouth?
You want to take half a dram of water, a little bit of milk, eat a quarter
stick of butter?
You know, hide two packets of sugar under your tongue, of sugar in the raw?
Bam, son.
Now, you've had some cake.
There's just, the, the, the template is kind of blown out.
Oh, it's lunchtime.
Why don't you have a freaking, uh, porterhouse steak with a Chobani yogurt?
Why don't you, do you want to do a little, do a Chobani, daddy?
Do that little, you know, hide a fucking hide a half a gram of yogurt in your
little cousin's jaw.
And then, you know, and then beat his little ass if you have to.
Sorry.
You know, let him, you know, don't, just hit him like in the back and like in
the fat areas.
Don't hit him anywhere where it's going to hurt him.
What's going on?
I don't know.
I don't, I don't, it's the dumbest, what's going on?
Nada.
Nada.
Spanish nothing.
Nothing is going on.
I've been at home.
I don't even know.
It's, it's nice to not have to set your alarm clock.
Isn't that?
I know some of you have children.
You can't relate to it.
But it's nice to not have to set your alarm.
You know, I don't need an alarm for anything right now.
I don't need.
I don't, it doesn't.
What if it's, it doesn't matter if it's 1150 p.m.
Or 4 a.m.
I can watch another episode of Schitt's Creek and then go back to bed.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't, nothing
matters.
Nothing matters.
What's, what's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing.
I'm just trapped playing with the devils that are inside of me.
That's what I'm doing most of the time.
I want to thank you guys for supporting the cast.
That's for damn sure.
That is for DS.
That is for damn sure.
What's going on?
I've been, I guess I've been feeling like a lot of things during this recently.
I've been feeling like, well, I've been taking pretty good care of myself.
You know, I've been doing a good bit of, um, outdoor action, running, walking,
um, you know,
I'll pretend like I lost something in my area or something.
Go look for it.
Look for a missing animal.
Look for a, uh, you know, like, oh, my cousin's car got stolen.
Um, we know we're looking for it.
Have you seen it?
People are like, nah, nah, nah.
But you keep looking, you know, just anything to kind of get out of the house.
Um, you know, uh, what else?
I've been rolling out my body and I know some people, they say you get on the
foam roller.
If you've seen it, it's a, it's like a pipe, but it's made out of foam.
It's like a foam piping piece, like a fat little foam pipe.
And you lay your body on it and you just ride your body back and forth on it.
I mean, if this thing could get pregnant, it would get pregnant and you just
slide your
body, your legs, especially your thighs here, your buttocks here, the area
between your nuts
and your knees, whatever that is, leg.
And you slide that up and down this, um, foam roller.
And it alleviates your tension.
I mean, it, you'll see a damn ghost fly out of your ass.
Like this thing will loosen the muscle tension inside of you.
It really does.
It just loosens it all up.
So I've been doing that full body, like doing my triceps on it, my bicep, like
laying on
it in just sheer agony.
And just, I mean, till it just hurts so much, man, till just like, and it's
this big black
pipe kind of thing.
And it's like, it just feels like it's just, I mean, just, just taking my
muscles virginity,
you know, just, just, just terrorizing these bitches really, um, kind of like
if you ever
seen an episode of that black pornography and it's women kind of getting
attacked by big,
large black, you know, penises and penis.
And it has that sort of ambiance to it.
Just, and just rolling your, just, I mean, rolling my chest, just rolling
everything out.
Um, so I've been doing that.
Um, what else?
That's it, man.
Not that there's not, you know, I went to the park the other day.
I looked at some dog people out there with a dogs.
Um, and when I was growing up, your boy Daniel in my neighborhood, some of you
guys know about
him and some of y'all don't.
And he was the kind of dude that would, you know, he would, uh, tell you like,
maybe if
you were having a, a licorice chunk or, uh, um, if you were having a, uh, a bit
of honey
candy, he would tell you, Oh, they're poisonous.
They're poisonous.
And you'd spit it out on the table and he would take it and eat it.
He was that kind of man.
He was, uh, like he would just secondhand sugar.
He didn't care.
He trick you out of your own sweet.
And then he would polish that batch off right in front of you.
And, um, anyway, his father had trained, they had a dog, this little disgruntled
little
dog.
And then the, uh, this little, I don't know if it was like a beagle or like a
damn, like
an Australian kind of beagle kind of like a, uh, kind of enough, like an
Australian kind
of beagle sort of hound.
But it would, um, name muscle was the dog's name and it would, they trained it
to kind
of, I guess, kind of hump or fuck, uh, dogs, other dogs at the dog park.
So we'd go down there.
They had this kind of dog and it wasn't really a dog park back then when I was
growing up.
It was just a lot of dogs would meet up usually to eat and or look at each
other.
And you'd see a dog walking by or one dog would have a, you know, uh, you know,
he would,
the owner would paint something on the side of them, like a political slogan or
just all
kind of shit, like an animal meetup.
And, um, and they had their little dog, little muscle and this thing could fuck
bro.
I'll be honest.
It's the only dog I've ever seen that could run up behind another dog and jump.
And it was real, it had long legs in the front, but was, uh, short legged in
the back.
And this thing could hump like a damn, like a speed bump.
This thing could hump like a fucking, like an extended cab camel.
This thing had that up, down, up, down, up, down going.
And it could run and jump up into the air and land wiener, wiener into another
animal.
And so this little thing, it was like the damn Robin hood of fucking really.
And you'd see it run up and just jump onto another animal.
And, and they had trained it to, to do sex.
So it was just baffling, man.
It was just blew my mind.
Every time we go to like the little dog meetup and they had, you know, and
little muscle would
show up and this thing, boy, you'd see the other owners be like, oh shit.
Here comes a little muscle, man.
That little damn Bill Cosby out here.
This little thing, just not afraid to really sexualize other animals.
But what else?
What's going on, man?
Nothing.
Nothing.
What's for breakfast, huh?
Veal Parmesan.
Sounds good.
Sounds good.
What else?
Nothing.
Tricked you on that one.
Let's take some calls, man.
985-664-9503.
I've been running.
I've been trying to take care of myself physically.
And I've been doing a lot of meditation.
And, and I am, let me see.
Hear that?
That's my damn lungs.
I'm like 45 days of no, not 45, maybe 44 days of no cigarettes.
But I wanted one yesterday, man.
I wanted one.
I had a, I was talking to like an ex-girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, and just, man,
we just kind of got into it and just made me want a damn cigarette.
It's crazy how like relationship conversations and things like that can really
get my damn, could really get the, just get my goiter, you know?
I'm serious, man.
That type of stuff can really just, I mean, just makes me just, I mean, it'll
just, makes me want to hide my own penis inside of my ass, you know?
Just, I hate that kind of stuff.
Just, I don't hate it, but I don't like it, man.
I don't like that kind of stuff.
That kind of stuff just makes me uncomfortable.
But life, man, life, life is a, life is an uncomfortable thing.
Isn't it?
Isn't life an uncomfortable thing sometimes?
And they don't teach you that in school.
They don't have a class that you think for one hour on a Thursday, they'd have
everybody meet in the gym.
They would have us meet in the gym for anything.
Oh, kids are pissing on the heaters and doing, you know, big yellow steam in
there every, every, you know, every afternoon.
And so they got to have a convention in the gym and tell it who's pissing, who'