Name: Ladies Night | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #275
Uploaded: 2020-04-27T16:22:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ladies Night | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #275' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ladies Night | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #275' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-27. Transcript available.

Ladies Night | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #275

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They got button mushrooms, pineapple, leeks, cilantro, garlic, and countless
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Check them out online, grayblockpizza.com, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to
the beach.
Grayblock, get that hitter.
Amen, baby.
A-men and B-men too.
A lot of second level dudes out there, a lot of B-men as well.
You know that.
You know who you are.
Remember Ladies' Night?
Remember that Ladies' Night?
It's Ladies' Night.
That was always, I felt like, the biggest crock of shit, you know?
Look, dude, it's Ladies' Night.
I would always have a friend and, not even a friend, sometimes just an enemy
that, or just a buddy, someone I knew that drank and could walk to a bar.
And be like, bro, it's Ladies' Night.
It's Ladies' Night.
Over there.
It's Ladies' Night, dude.
Down at the Smokin' Onion, bro.
You in or you out?
I'm like, dude, come on, man.
We ain't getting no ladies, bro.
Come on, man.
We ain't getting no ladies, buddy.
Dude, every time we go out, we get zero ladies.
You think tonight,
that the, that,
that, you think tonight,
something's gonna be different?
That the, uh,
that the,
that the cooter fairy is just gonna come and
hit us with that cooter wand or something?
No.
You can't,
you gotta recognize that,
you know,
it's late.
Come on, bro.
It's Ladies' Night.
Man,
come on.
Dude, you know,
good and well,
if you and me are in it, man,
it ain't damn Ladies' Night, bro.
It's gonna be,
you and me are gonna get there.
We're gonna pay that cover.
And they always put, like,
a lady by the door
so it looks like there's ladies.
And they make you wait in a line.
You get in there
and they got one lady there.
It's just a coat lady.
She's taking people's coats.
And we live in Louisiana.
You know,
nobody has a damn coat.
So that's really
waste of fixed costs right there.
That,
I mean,
that lady's just doing nothing.
Sometimes you'll see somebody
has a tank top,
you know,
if somebody wore a double tank in there
and they shed one
and give it to the girl.
Keep her employed,
you know,
keep little Tiffany employed
or little Daphne
or whatever.
You know,
named after somebody
who doesn't know
how to pronounce flowers,
you know,
Daphne Dills.
But man,
I,
it's ladies.
Come on!
Dude,
it ain't.
Bro,
when we go,
we've been going places
for years,
man.
And we ain't got no ladies,
bro.
We ain't got no ladies,
man.
Dude,
the last ladies night we went to,
I had to hold your waist
while you vomited
because the upheaval
was too much
for your body to handle
because you don't have
a strong spine,
man.
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
So,
I'm just trying to be honest,
man.
I'm just trying to be honest
and just do whatever I can
or also do whatever I can't.
You know that.
All right.
Let's kick this bad animal
right in the frickin' ball bag.
You got it?
Tie up your,
tie your own tubes,
you know.
Dude,
I used to know this tough girl.
Real,
real tough.
Kind of girl,
man.
You know,
she,
she chose not to pass gas
sometimes
because she liked to keep
that pressure in her body.
That kind of girl.
Like,
that's a real
kind of girl
just snatch a damn goat
off a bridge,
just walk out.
You feel me?
The kind of girl
who would walk out
on a windy day
and just take her damn
breasts out
and just look Mother Nature
right in the eyes
and say,
bring it on,
bitch.
You know,
tough girl.
And,
um,
oh shit,
I don't know
what I was going
to tell you guys.
But,
uh,
let's get into this episode,
man.
What did I say?
I used to know
a tough girl,
bro.
It's ladies,
come on!
Boy,
it ain't.
When you and me go,
dog,
it ain't never
ladies and I,
man.
Dude,
it ain't never,
like,
dude,
you got beat up.
Remember one time
we were walking
to a place,
me and my buddy,
and he got beat up
by the dude
with the,
uh,
we went,
going to a happy hour,
he got beat up
by a brother
with one of those
tax guy signs.
You know,
he got beat up
by a black statue
of liberty
with a tax guy sign.
So,
it ain't never
ladies night,
man.
Come on,
let's go.
All right,
let's get into it.
Let's get into it.
I'll make it be,
higher than me,
and I'll make it be,
It's never too late
to come over.
Time slips away
from you and me now.
Time slips away
from you and me now.
So don't hesitate
To come over
Why must we wait
Why must we wait
when we're alive
It's ladies night
Hello,
and thank you for joining me
and joining yourself here.
And this is it,
baby.
This is it.
This is that cupcake
that life made us.
And I'll tell you,
be honest with you right now,
there ain't much frosting
on that sugar piece
right now.
There ain't much frosting
There ain't much frosting
on the dessert
right now,
is there?
It's cake only,
baby.
And it's a lot
of bootleg cake.
A lot of bootleg cake
we're digesting
right now.
You know,
you,
you know,
I went for a jog.
Here's one thing
that's just really
boiling,
boiling my beef.
And I mean when,
I mean boiling my beef
is when I'm going
for a jog.
And a jog,
you know,
it's,
you know,
you want to run
but you,
you can't run
because you're not
that fast
so you jog.
It's basically
what white people
started doing
because we,
you know,
we wanted to,
when black people
started running
we were like,
oh shit,
we're not running,
we're kind of jogging
so let's rename it.
And so that's how
that really shook down
to be factual
or historical.
You know,
because black people
were fast,
man.
I mean they had,
what was it,
they used to,
they used to have
the Runderground Railroad,
bro,
if you went on that,
that's where Carl Lewis
came from.
The Runderground Railroad
dog,
you just go down there,
you'd have a white dude
had to get in a train
just to even keep up
with the black guys
on that thing.
So there's a lot
of speed
coming out of
the black community
in the 1800s,
early 1900s.
but,
oh here,
what I'm noticing is
I'll go for a jog,
right?
I'll go for a,
or what I call
a white run.
And I'll go for that
really,
you know,
I'll go for a white run
and
I'm passing other joggers,
you know,
constituents,
you know,
foot constituents.
And they don't wave.
And that just
bees my bee.
Okay?
Boils my beef,
buddy.
If I'm running
and you are also running
and we pass by each other,
and you don't wave?
You don't wave?
We're in a pandemic.
This could be the end of time,
you know,
this might have been
when Mother Nature
set her alarm.
And you're not even,
you just,
you're,
I'm out here doing my best,
you're doing your best,
you're not going to give me
a hello,
a peace,
a thumb up?
Give me a thumb up.
Man,
that gets me.
Because especially
if you're doing fitness,
if you're out there,
you know,
I get out there,
I'm doing full body fitness,
I'm running,
keeping my chest forward
when I run,
trying not to arch my back
too much,
you know,
I don't want them gay dudes
flexing.
Because you,
and you know,
this is Los Angeles,
man.
This is really,
this is,
you know,
this is a hotbed
really for homosexuality
and adult gay.
So you,
if you're running
with a,
and you're a male
and they,
and a lot of these men
see you,
they want it.
And that's nature,
man.
That's not,
there's no judgment there,
that's nature.
It's like,
say if you are,
if you like,
you know,
you know,
burgers or snacks,
you could get
drive-through meals.
Say you like drive-through meals
and you're walking somewhere
and somebody throws a cheeseburger
right in front of you.
I guarantee,
you might not reach for that bitch,
but you're going to follow it
with your eyes
and see where it lands
and then you're going to
consider things
and maybe make a choice.
But,
shit,
what was I talking about,
dude?
Um,
oh yeah,
you got to be careful.
A lot of men out there
if you go running.
But anyway,
if I'm running
and I jog past someone
and they don't acknowledge,
that's what,
it gets me.
You know,
that just gets my damn gander.
It just gets my gander
in a Gandalf,
boy.
and just,
God,
God dang it.
I hate,
like what,
what?
I just went a mile,
bro.
You just went a mile.
You're not going to hay?
And that's the kind of shit
that makes me question
how we're doing.
How we're doing as a species.
You know?
And I see some,
man,
I'll tell you this,
I see a lot of fast Asians
out there.
A lot of FAs
and,
and they don't touch the ground
when they run.
You see an Asian,
they really,
they,
they,
they,
they want,
they run like the world is hot.
Like the,
you know,
they run kind of,
their legs are a little bit,
they're,
they always run at the stoplight.
A lot of Asians are those people
that will continue
to run at a stoplight.
They don't stop.
I'll stop.
I'll push the button.
You know,
I'll fist bump the homeless dude
that's there.
You know what I mean?
We give him a couple coins,
a couple,
you know,
dime pieces or whatever,
a couple,
10 pieces.
But Asian,
they don't,
they just keep,
they're ready to rock.
So yeah,
you know,
that's been something
I've been dealing with
when I've been doing
a lot of miles in the area.
And I've been running,
I've been running.
And it feels good.
I kind of got,
started to get a little bit
out of my comfort zone.
You know,
because your comfort zone,
man,
can really,
can really be your coffin.
and,
and so I used to only run
two miles
and I hated it.
I hated every step.
I hated the beginning
of the run.
I hated the end.
I hated,
um,
the part between the beginning
and the end.
So,
all of it.
And when I start,
when I,
when I,
uh,
but one day I said,
you know what,
I'm going to run.
I had a little bit
of extra energy.
And energy is just,
that's that,
it's just that,
it's kind of when God
just says,
all right,
here you go,
bro.
And hooks you up
with some free shit,
you know?
All right,
here you go,
bro.
Here's a little scoop
of marmalade,
bro,
in your heart.
Now go,
go,
go boy,
go.
Um,
and so I had a little
extra energy.
So I said,
oh,
you know what,
I'm going to take
a different route.
And when I changed
my route,
that,
that really changed
everything for me
with running.
Because suddenly
it was a little bit
more of an adventure.
It wasn't the same
old,
same old.
And next thing you know,
I'd gone like a
eight,
a quarter mile further.
So I'm doing time,
you know,
I'm out there.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm doing,
you know,
I'm doing time
like the future,
bro.
I'm out there.
And,
and so then the next
time I ran,
I said,
oh man,
I'm going to,
I'm going to go do
that new track again.
Now it was exciting to me.
And then next thing,
you know,
I said,
you know what,
I'm going to go
two and a half miles.
I'm doing two and a quarter.
I'll do two and a half,
bro.
You know,
I'll burn another quarter
of this bad bitch.
Um,
you know,
I'll serve another slice
of bad bitch bacon
to myself.
And so next thing you know,
now I'm at two and a half
and now I'm like,
you know what,
I'm going to,
uh,
I'm going to see
how fast I'm going.
I'm going to keep time
for myself,
make it a little bit
of a game,
make it a little bit
of a challenge
or shellache,
French challenge.
And so then,
then it adds up.
And next thing you know,
I'm running
and I'm doing
three mile,
three and a half,
bro.
Three and a quarter stars.
Um,
yeah.
So the,
anyway,
that's been my adventure.
That's been my experience
in my adventure
with running.
And now,
you know,
I'll go do three
and three quarter miles.
I did it today.
I walked the last,
uh,
three quarter miles though,
because I just
got in,
like,
had like an attitude,
kind of a little bit of a,
kind of a,
not a meltdown,
but like a,
just,
just,
they had a fucking
homeless dude
and he was shadow boxing
over by the interstate
and I jog right by
the interstate,
bro.
Cause that's who I am.
Some people jog
safe areas,
bro.
Fuck that.
Dude,
I want to be by the 