Name: Back from Outdoors | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #276
Uploaded: 2020-05-07T12:49:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Back from Outdoors | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #276' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Back from Outdoors | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #276' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-07. Transcript available.

Back from Outdoors | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #276

All right, it's that time baby, it's that time baby, it's May, May, I listen to
a little
something for the G's and May, May, it's May, May, May is interesting isn't it
because
May, you know, it's really, that's when the calendar kind of starts asking you
a
question. May I do this? May I bring the summer? May I just reel in a big batch
of
sunshine? May I make you sweat? May. It's interesting, huh? May, May, May, May.
You
know what's that old joke they say? What do a gay cow say? May. Or something
like that,
man. Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard
on
the way to the beach in Los Angeles. Gray Block, get that hitter. And I was in
a, I
just got back from the, really from the outdoors. I was out there in southern
Utah or
so youth. Being out there and seeing a lot of different animals. They got small
animals
and they got large animals. They got alcoholics also. They got it all. And did
a little camping,
did a little yak, little kayaking, not a cocaine. And got into it just, I mean,
it was like Mother
Nature just left her damn zipper down and I got straight up in there. You feel
me? It was
like Mother Nature just, I mean, I really, God, I just really got up in it. And
that Mother
Nature. And you get out there in southern, in southern Utah or so youth, that's
what people
call it. But you get out there, they got a lot of people, you know, you have a,
you got
some people, they got a little bit of a whistle in their, in their talk, when
they're talking.
How you doing? How you doing? Whistling, you know, they got people really just
salt
to the earth kind of. You'll fucking, you'll lick a dude's arm and it'll really
taste like
salt. Just that kind of people, you know. You know, kind of, they'll have a man,
he'll
have a little, he'll have a treat in his pocket for an animal. And that's
natural. You'll see
him just break that bastard out. And break out of a, you know, an organic Tootsie
Roll or
something or a homemade chocolate for a little badge or for a mountain cat or
something. It's
that kind of space. It's beautiful. If you've never been, I just got back. And
I'm happy to
be here and I'm happy to be here with you guys. Let's get into it.
Let me holler at you, come on, step outside. You got ten dollars down to each
other and we
gon' ride. Let me holler at you, step outside.
Pump in the trunk out the trunk. Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Let's eat on dirty dance floors. Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Now we're cooking with gas on the front burner. Hot wind gas station down on
the corner.
Cooking with gas on the front burner. Pump in the trunk out the trunk. Let's go
get drunk outdoors.
Nerdy dance floors. Let's go get drunk outdoors.
If you got money, you can get a little beer. If you got money, get that hit out.
If you got money, you can get a little beer. If you got money, get that hit out.
And it is 2020. 2020.
And it is the time. It is it.
And yeah, I'm feeling.
I'm feeling. I'm feeling.
You know, I got that gumption.
In my junction, bro.
I'm feeling that that lift in my gift, you know, and I get that when I go in
out and then in nature, I get that recharge.
You know, I get nature just like just puts a damn just a.
Like a hose of just just just just nature sauce right into my veins.
And I just feel like a little I start feeling a little more just part of the
earth.
You know, I feel more like I could just if I see a rabbit and I wouldn't be
scared or anything, even if he was violent.
And even if he had a little knife on him or even if he had a little cut of, you
know, a little sack of cocaine or something on his little ass.
I would be more.
You know, you're just more in touch with nature.
You know, a bird will shit on you and you'll smile a little.
You'll still be pissed, but you you can giggle first.
You're like, oh, look.
All right.
Now I'm pissed, but all right.
Hmm.
Good to be here.
We're late.
The podcast is late.
We're late.
Did you know?
Hey, Theo, this is Antonia.
My husband, Caleb, and I were a little worried about you because your podcast
didn't come on.
And we always listen to it in the morning at any random time.
I'm a I'm a registered nurse and been working a lot with the covid patients.
Well, thank you for for working up there as an RN.
And I'm sorry that it's late.
But aren't you glad that is it that at least it is going to be late?
Thank you guys for thinking about me.
Thanks for calling and checking.
I appreciate it.
Somebody else knew it was late.
Yo, how you doing?
Hey, I was looking for your your podcast.
It's not up yet, man.
I'm not I'm not I'm not bagging on you.
Just looking out for you.
Hope you're well.
And chitty chitty gang gang.
And I'm sorry that it's late.
You know, I was out there and I was just enjoying.
I went, you know, I got in a dual person and single person kayak.
I met a man.
I was jogging and I met a man over there at from a group called Guru Zion.
because that's where I went camping and stuff was out near out east of St.
George, Utah.
And that's southern Utah.
And and it's really they got a lot of rock out there.
Mystery rock.
You'll see a hieroglyphics, petroglyphics.
And that's basically this old graffiti.
That's as Indian graffiti right there.
You know, a native just carved something in there into a rock.
You know, he might have wrote, oh, Rhonda's got that nasty, nasty.
And you'll see that carved into a rock from a couple hundred years ago.
You know.
Oh, yeah, you know, you know, little sidestep has that, you know, it'll be a
lot of Native American graffiti.
Like, oh, little little sidestep has that, uh, that pow pow titty titty.
You'll see, you know, just just like graffiti you'd see now, but it's from the
past.
And you can go on different trails and see it.
And they got, um, real weathered looking.
A lot of people, they've been standing in the wind out there.
Because it gets real windy.
Oh, if you put your ear up to a damn kite, you'll hear that thing get erect.
Because this is wind country.
This is, I mean, you'll sometimes, you'll see a sailboat out there.
Just fucking walking around because that's how much it enjoys that breeze out
there.
And out in So Ute.
And it's, um, and I, you know, it just said, you know, I got out there.
I went and met up with my family.
And it was just normal.
I went to a restaurant.
Dude, I went to a restaurant.
And had orders.
I ordered something.
Oh, you got something?
Yeah, I got it.
All right.
I'll give you a little money for it.
Okay.
Will you, you want to eat it here?
Yeah, I'll eat it here.
Hell, I'll pay you four extra dollars.
Watch me eat it.
How is that not an option at a restaurant?
For a few extra dollars, they watch you eat it.
You know, here's two extra, here's six extra dollars.
Won't you watch me ingest this for, you know.
Won't you coach me on my eating?
Okay, you chewing too hard with the, on the right side, you know.
Won't you chew a little more on the starboard side?
You know, balance your bow.
There you go.
All right.
Swallow.
You know, it'd just be nice if they had, that could be an upsell option at a
restaurant or eatery.
If you're at a sweet local eatery and somebody says, okay.
They buy that $19 steak, you know.
They buy that high dollar meat cut.
And then they, and you, then you offer that upsell.
All right.
For five extra dollars, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll watch you eat it.
T.L., baby, praise a lot.
You know, people would be enjoying, uh, they would be buying that, that extra
experience.
Just to have that edible chaperone right there.
That little chew daddy.
That little swallow jockey right there.
Watching you ride the, you know, just watching you experience your food.
Restaurants are going to start having to do that kind of stuff, uh, because of
Corvid.
They're going to have to make that extra dollar.
How do we pull in that extra side buck?
Okay.
Here's what we're going to offer a unique experience.
You know, maybe they'll, uh, I'll watch you eat for $7.
I'll sit here and my little, my little, my little chubby cousin will watch you
eat.
Big DeAndre or whatever.
Or big Keisha or whatever.
Little Carrie.
You know, something like that.
For $9, I'll fucking tickle you while you eat.
You telling me you wouldn't think about that?
That upgrade option?
I'm just telling you, we have to start thinking outside of the box.
You know, you guys had some calls on how things would change here with, uh,
with Corvid and, and what we could be looking at in the future.
And I want to thank the audio on the way in.
That was, um, the North Mississippi All-Stars with their song, Drunk Outdoors.
And we'll put the link in the YouTube where you can purchase that.
And also, you know, subscribe.
You know, if you feel it.
I don't like to ask for things, um, or maybe I do.
Hell, I don't know if I do or don't.
But if you would like to be a subscriber of something, this is something.
And we'd love for you to subscribe to the channel.
I hope everybody's doing well.
Um, I want to get into some things.
You guys had some, some interesting, uh, concepts about how life would change
in the new, uh, post-Corvid.
Um, and here are some, here are a couple of thoughts that you guys had.
Here was a call.
Gang.
Hey, bro, bro.
This is Chief calling from Texas.
What's up, Chief?
What up, Chief, boy?
And you know, this fella probably huffing on that bag.
You don't get the name Chief.
These days, Chief used to be a Native American superior term.
If you're a captain of the Native Americans.
If you're basically this, you know, the Chris Prada-Joeya.
If you're the real, you know, if you're that top dog in the, uh, in the feather.
In that, in that, in that feather club.
Then you would get that name Chief.
But more recently, Chief is more of a, okay, you know, Lil' Gary does a lot of
Chief in that, hey.
Sucking on that gas, bruh.
Puffing that, that goo-goo.
That herb, baby.
That, that weed.
Huffing that nasty, nasty.
You know, he huffing that, you know, Mr. McGregor's gunpowder, dog.
I'm talking about marijuana.
I'm talking about that puff, puff, pow.
I'm talking about that poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo to your brain, that dope weed.
Onward.
I was watching the podcast, the fucking ladies' night one.
Whatever the fuck that was.
Yeah, it was ladies' night, brother.
Onward.
Watching that shit just now, you said, what do you think's gonna go away in the
near future?
Talking about pooping their temps taken, shit like that.
Right, we were talking about people, last episode, we were talking about people
getting their temperatures taken when you go to an event.
You know, you go somewhere, and now, in the future, they might, you know, take
your temperature.
Check it for snot.
They might, you know, touch your kid's little ass or something, see if it's hot.
See if you bring in a little Timothy or whatever with that hot ass.
Because you can't do it.
You can't do that.
You're not gonna be able to do that as well.
You bring in that up temperature, Timothy, it's not gonna go over well with
others.
Let's hear more, brother.
Thank you for the call.
What's gonna go away, I think, you know, you're not from Texas like I am, you
know, but they probably had 10 or 15 Mexican restaurants in Louisiana.
What's gonna go away, though, is chips and queso and chips and salsa, son.
That shit is done, homie.
That's not gonna be on the menu no more, son, unless you get it individually.
It's not an appetizer no more.
You know what I'm saying?
Because what's everybody doing?
They're getting the chips, bringing the chips to the dip, putting it straight
in their mouth, going back to the chips, going back to the dip, putting it back
straight in their mouth.
Damn, lean with it, rock with it, huh?
No, you can't sanitize every time you touch a chip, you know what I mean?
Them chips are just gonna be too salty after a while, so yeah, R.I.P. to queso
and salsa, gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
Man, wow, I hadn't thought about that.
Yeah, yeah, you're gonna have to, each person will have to bring a couple of
their own chips from home, I guess, and, you know, 