Name: Risky Biscuits | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #277
Uploaded: 2020-05-12T09:07:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Risky Biscuits | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #277' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Risky Biscuits | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #277' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-12. Transcript available.

Risky Biscuits | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #277

You know, um, it's time, baby.
It's time to, it's time to just, it's time to just wake up, I think.
You know, we rolling out this virus bed back out into the world.
You know, it's time to get your legs going.
See if you still got them.
You know, we met, when I was young, we had a man by us.
This man, Big Gilroy, they called him.
And he had what they call a little fur snake on him.
That FS hit her.
And what it was, was everybody thought, oh, he got a snake that has a hair
malfunction.
You know, a snake that's covered in hair.
But it was a squirrel that had lost its legs in an accident.
Some type of accident.
And, uh, all four of its legs had been decapitated.
Like in a, I don't even know, something was shoveling.
I don't know.
I guess it could have been like an automobile accident or something if, or
somehow.
But, anyway, and if you looked at it, it looked like a damn fur snake.
So, it was just, you know, everything's just a matter of really a perception.
It's how you look at it.
You know, we could have been sad when Gilroy would bring it.
We could have got out the Kleenex and the damn, uh, you know, a little, you
know, something sad.
A little sad.
You know, a little, drawing a picture of the Grim Reaper.
Done something like that.
And said, oh, it's so sad.
You know, he got some no-legged, you know, tree marsupial out here.
Squirrel.
But instead, everybody said, oh, wow, look at this.
He got that beautiful fur snake.
He got that footless little, little critter, hitter, gang.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we're all dying.
Celebrate dark days.
You gotta celebrate them.
You know, you could have that little, you could have that little ICU squirrel
and look at it on that sad route and travel through the frickin' Tear Creek.
Or you could ride that wave of just excitement and say, how dang, Gilroy gots a
fur snake.
Good to be here.
Good to be here.
I hope you are well.
I hope I'm well.
That's always a concern.
It is May.
It is 2020.
And we are traveling in the time.
At the speed we've always gone into it at.
So we are traveling exactly the same speed forward into time and that's where
we are.
I hope you had a nice weekend.
And I hope you had that nice Mother's Day.
You know, the power of a mother, just that ability to create something in your
body.
I mean, that's really, that's magic.
There's no, and you know, I know Siegfried died or whatever, you know.
And I know he died and him and his friend or husband, they, you know, they were
lovers or something and one of them died, right?
But, but that's artificial.
You know, that beautiful gay bad boy, he couldn't pull another person out of
his body.
I mean, not that he had formed, he could, I'm sure he'd done some stuff, but,
you know, a mother's got that ultimate, that Rubik's Cube inside of him.
That little formulator, that ivory.
And they'll roll out a baby like that.
That's God's Yahtzee right there.
I'm going to roll a baby, you feel me?
And I'm going to use your mother to do it.
I hope you had a nice Mother's Day.
And happy Mother's Day to all those single moms out there.
And, um, and just know that you are loved.
I, uh, what did I get to do?
I got to go to, well, I didn't, I didn't do too much, man.
I went for a run, worked out, um, cooked me up a little burger meat.
You know, the doctor has me on, uh, grass-fed meat now.
So the animals that I'm eating have been eating grass.
So it's, you know, we're all doing our part, I guess.
Uh, and, you know, I like to get me a burger made out of beef meat.
I'll do beef meat.
And I'll get that burger, that burger patty.
And, and I like to cut it up, put it in a, in a bowl.
Cut me a nice tomat in there, one of them Creole tomatas.
Cut that bad bitch up.
Like I, like I just met that MF-er in a, in a Japanese alley.
And it owes me money, dog.
I'll just slice that bad bitch up.
And then I get me that aguacate.
That Spanish avocado.
And I'll slice that bad cat up.
You know, I'll straight up get into that sucker.
Put that in a bowl, dice it up.
Throw a little avocado oil on it.
Little salt.
Little sea salt, or even just land salt.
I use the original shit, bruh.
That basic ass land salt, bruh.
The kind of shit you use to get at school.
And I throw that in that bowl and get that tasty,
that tasty little, that beef patty salad.
And man, I had a friend growing up,
his mother was named Patty,
and that always blew my mind.
You know, to name your child after a damn cut of cooked meat,
or shaped meat.
How you gonna name your child after a meat shape?
Oh, this Patty.
Oh, hey, Patty.
Behave, Patty, or I'm gonna put you on the grill.
Oh, Patty.
And then, for fun, you take a piece of cheese
and just put it on Patty's head.
Oh, look what we did to Patty.
Oh, that's cute.
You know, doing,
little children can be very,
you know, little,
you know, there's something
unique about them.
When my niece was born,
you know, my sister had it.
My sister had,
you know, fathered,
or parent,
gave birth to my niece.
She gave birth to that little beautiful,
little damn crotch nugget.
And we'd never had a baby before
in our family.
Nobody had ever had a baby.
Hell, no one had ever even walked in
on anybody else masturbating
or anything in our house.
And
I remember we went to
Chili's.
And Chili's,
if you're not familiar with it,
it's,
they kind of act like it's Mexican,
but it's like just everybody
from your high school
started a restaurant.
And
and basically
Chili's had these chips.
They had this,
you get the order of chips
and salsa, bro.
And they hit you with the bowl of chips,
this basket.
It looked like half of a little,
like a Mexican hat.
It almost looked like a little
yarmulke for like a little
Mexican midget
or little person.
My bad.
And that thing would be full of chips
or cheeps.
And
you get the little dish
of salsa, bro.
And
and if you're like me,
you order your own salsa
for your half of the table.
Because I don't like it.
You got four people there.
They bring one thing of
jeeps
and one thing of salsa.
Dog.
Bring two zalsas, bro.
Bring two zalsas.
Okay.
Because I'm going to take,
I'm going to put one in my area.
You know,
I'm fine sharing one,
but I'm not,
like there's two,
if there's four people,
you need two zalsas, man.
I just hate that shit.
They just make it,
they want to create tension
right off the bat.
But I remember my,
my little niece,
you know,
we'd never had a baby
in our family
and
she was real little.
I mean,
I mean,
I mean real little.
I mean,
a fucking fat squirrel
could have given birth
to this baby.
And we put her
in the little chip dish.
We took the chips out
and put her in there
and we put the chips
on top of her
and we kind of just
ate the chips
and,
you know,
and she was,
you know,
kind of asleep
or just too young
to open her eyes,
but just kind of
a beautiful
family moment
that we had,
you know,
years ago
when my niece
was first born
at the Chili's.
What's going on?
Not too much.
I'm happy to be here.
I hope you guys
have had a nice weekend.
What else?
So I went over
to David Spades
and I watched the fights,
the fist fights,
baby,
UFC.
And we're lucky
we got Dustin
the Diamond Poirier
is going to be
on in a little while.
We're going to Zoom
with him
and talk with him.
You know,
he's right there
in the thick
of all of that
and just excited
to get to chat
with my buddy anyway
and see how he's doing
and,
and,
and man,
those fights were exciting.
You know,
those fights were really,
really exciting.
It was interesting.
Now,
if you go to David Spades
home and I am
home dropping,
I'm home dropping,
I'll be honest
with you
and we went
and,
and they had,
I mean,
he has,
you know,
they got a lot
of different,
you know,
rich looking stuff
in there.
He's got one
of those houses.
I've got a couple
different living rooms
in it.
Like one of them
looks like a lobby
of like a,
like at the bank,
you know,
he got one area
like you could do
a Chase
or a Wells Fargo,
the little business
area.
And then they got a,
you know,
he's got a button
you press
and the damn
curtains come down.
I mean,
it's just,
I mean,
hell,
it would be,
it's the kind
of place that I
wouldn't even
masturbate in this
place.
It's nice.
You know,
I do have some
respect.
You know,
it's just the kind
of place you
wouldn't even
touch yourself
in or hell,
I wouldn't even
write a letter.
I wouldn't even
write myself a
love note in
there.
You know,
it just has that
kind of comfort
in there and
beauty.
There's a big
picture of art
on the wall
and I don't even
know what the
hell it is,
but it looks
expensive.
But it was
nice.
Watch the fights.
Had a little
bit of sea bass
over there
because rich people
eat different
fish, man.
I like fish
that you can
actually get a
hold of.
Carp.
You know,
what else?
Catfish.
Sunfish.
Eel.
If you do an
eel right,
bro, then I'll
do a damn
eel, baby.
You feel me?
A little
barbecued eel,
that's something
I don't mind.
You throw some
A1 on one of
them slick
little pond
phalanges,
baby.
I'll suck
that thing
down,
bro.
Goddamn.
I will suck
that thing
face first,
bro.
You put that
big,
beautiful eel
out there
with a little
BBQ on it.
With a couple
honey roasted
peanuts,
bro,
to chase it
down.
Yeah,
man.
We doing it.
But that's
what I did,
man.
You know,
I went over to
somebody Rich's
house and
watched the
fights.
And actually,
I went over
to Gianni.
We got the
twink Gianni.
He's back
in town.
So I went
over with him
and Nick and
watched a little
bit of the
fights too,
producer Nick.
But we'll talk
a little bit more
about the fights
whenever we got
Dustin on in a
little while and
talk a little bit
more about UFC.
Yeah,
what else?
I don't know.
The world's
getting back.
You know,
we're all being
kind of reborn
a little.
You feel that
a little bit
and some people's
afraid to come
out of the
womb.
Some people
want to stay
in the womb.
Some people
want to just
go outside
of the womb
because we've
all kind of
been like
womb mates
for a while
and that's
running out.
And there's
a lot of
disparity out
there right
now.
People want
to.
Some people
want to start
living life
again and
go back to
the old
days and
some people
want to
just,
you know,
kick it up
a notch
and be
natural.
Or some
people want
to just
stay like,
you know,
quarantined.
And
here's the
thing.
In this
country,
both people,
you can do
both.
That's the
thing about
America.
That's it.
you know,
it would
almost be
more helpful
during a
pandemic if
you lived in
a country that
was socialist
or communist
because what
they say
goes.
There's no
joking around.
There's no ifs,
ands,
or buts.
But we
don't live in
that place.
You know,
we live in a
place where
everybody has
a say.
And that's
what's going
on right now.
And people
say, well,
these people are
wrong or these
people, well,
neither one of
them are.
I mean,
they may be
wrong to me
or they may
be wrong to
you.
But,
you know,
everybody has
a say.
And, you
know, like the
government can't
just tell people
that they
can't do
things.
They just
can't do
that.
I mean,
and everybody,
I feel like,
has given this
disease, you
know, the
virus, you
know, I feel
like we've
done a good
job of
planning ahead.
The only
thing we
could have
done was
take these
measures.
You know,
we had to
take the
measures that
have been
taken.
If it's
raining,
bro, even
if you like
the rain,
you might
want to
start off
by putting
on a
raincoat.
Just so you
know how
long it's
going to
rain,
what it's
going to
feel like,
will there
be lightning,
you know,
am I
going to
be trying
to smoke
a cigarette?
What's
going to
go on
during this
rain?
And then
once you
have a
plan,
then you
can take
the coat
off if
you want.
Some people
want to
take their
coats off,
some people
want to
stay in
the coat,
and both
of them
are right.
That's
what I
think.
Both
of them
are right.
And it's
not even
something I
think.
It's
just the
way it
is.
I
personally,
I'm
more of a
risky
biscuit.
You know,
if you
smell my
back,
you're
going to
smell a
bunch of
risk
jelly.
Because that's
what God
spread on
me.
You k