Name: Raise Your Hand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #281
Uploaded: 2020-06-08T16:09:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Raise Your Hand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #281' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Raise Your Hand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #281' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-08. Transcript available.

Raise Your Hand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #281

Now, I remember when I was young, they had, we played basketball on a select
group in a really budget basketball team.
And after practice, sometime the coach would drive us home.
You know, if you had, if your mom had a little bit of money or she had maybe a
Toyota Camry or maybe a, you know, a van or something like that, something nice,
your mother come get you, scoop you up from the practice.
But the remainder of us children would, coach would give us a ride home.
So you hop in the coach's truck or you hop in the coach's, he had a van with a
ladder on the back, you know, and it didn't go anywhere, but, you know, it's
nice.
It is kind of, you know, it was nice to have.
And anyway, you know, you get to know the coach well when he drives you home
from practice.
And sometimes he would take us to do stuff, you know, he would take us to help
him do some work for him giving us those rides.
So one weekend, he, he drove us out into the country somewhere to, we were
helping him move something and loading things into a truck or something.
And it was me and this young fella, Boo-Boo Tyson.
And this was a black gentleman and his name was Boo-Boo Tyson and, and his
brother had tried to burn his legs off, but he, he didn't, he still had his
legs.
He didn't, you know, he, it didn't happen, you know.
And he had one leg that was a little hot, you know, but he was, he was fine and
he was a friend of mine.
And we're driving along this road one time and on a highway, me and him in the
back of the truck.
And maybe they had a, you know, a lawnmower back there or a little canteen of
diesel or something, you know, maybe a jug of sipping water or something back
there with it.
And we drove probably in the back of this little truck, this little Japanese
truck, maybe a Korean truck, a little K truck, Daihatsu or something, or, you
know, Shaizatsu or some kind of little, just a little truck, man.
It sounded like under the hood, they had about 7,000 Korean people just, you
know, just straining hard to keep it going.
You know, one of them little Shaizatsus or something.
You know what I'm talking about, little truck.
And we've been going along the highway and, you know, and Boo Boo's looking at
me and he's looking at me and he just starts kind of just really looking at me
kind of funny.
And at one point the highway came to a stop sign or intersection with another
highway.
And so Coach was driving and we're sitting in the back of the, in the open cab.
And he said to me, he said, hey, he said, hey, Theo, what's it like to have
your hair blow in the wind?
And, and I'd never thought about that, you know, cause he had a high tight fade
cut.
And, and I'd never thought about that, man.
And I said, man, what's it like to have your penis blow in the wind?
And, and we died laughing, man.
The two of us just died laughing.
And, and, and man, it was, I don't know.
I, some, some, I, I miss being young, man.
I really miss being young.
Let's go.
I'm just sitting on your front porch
Wondering how could I be so far from my
Home
Immune
And my mind is somewhere else
But when I find it
I'll patch up where it's been
Blown
I'm just floating on the breeze
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves
I must be
Cornerstone
Oh
But when I reach that ground
I'll share this peace of mind
I found
I can feel it
In my bones
But it's gonna take
A little time
For me to set that parking brake
And let myself unwind
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my story
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I will sing it just for you
Good to be here
I am
I have me a little London broil
Shout out London
Shout out England
You know for getting meats over here
We just getting through the core of it
And everybody's
You don't know what's gonna come in
And you see the articles
You see the article in the news
Say hey
Meat's gone
No more meat
All the meat
You know spoiled
All the meat fell off a boat
You know birds
Buzzards stole the meat
They just
Every day
Something else happened
The meat chain
It's done
There will no
You will never see any more meat
And then bam
Here we are
You know one week after the disease
Is
If it ever was a disease
Whatever
I don't know
One week after it's gone
And uh
And London's hooking us up
With that hardy rump hitter
Bro that shank
Because it's
You know it's just nice to have
So shout out England
Shout out UK
For getting us those meats over here
Had that London brawl
Set that thing up in that crock pot
Mmm
Gotta crock
You know and I had
This is my second
Crock pot
The first one too small
You could barely do
Two bacons in it
You almost had to do
One bacon at a time
And
Cause first time I tried
You know I
I was using my crock
I threw about
Maybe nine pieces
Of bacon in there
And I left
I went and drove around
For a couple hours
I wanted to see
If the thing worked
And I come back
And uh
And it just
Hadn't really
It had done a little bit
At the bottom
So then I realized
Damn I need one slice
At a time
In this little bastard
It was just like a
Damn
It was like
The pot on it
Was so small
It was like
Somebody
It was like
One person's
Kind of medium hand
In a cup
Like cupped up
Like they're trying
To sip water
You know
Give a little water
To a dog
Or something
With their hand
Make a
Make a shape
Like a little baby
Like half a banana
With their hand
And give a dog
That moisture
Um
But anyway
Now I got that
Now I got a real
Just a damn
A bathtub
For some meat
So I threw that
London in there
You know
Threw some
Some
A couple
Potots
Some of them
Orange
Uh
You know
Veg
Veggies
Those phalanges
Bruh
Those beta carotenes
Bruh
Them carots
Son
Put them in that pot
And let that bad
Bastard
Do its work
What else
Um
I watched the fights
This weekend
Uh
Not on the news
On
Not on
Or on twitter
I'm talking about UFC
I watched the UFC
It was
It was enjoyable
Shout out
Uh
Sugar Sean
Out there
Busting them down
Hitting them with the
Freaking straight up
Glucose
To the chin
Bruh
Um
Oh I enjoyed
Watching uh
Cody Stamon too
Young fella
And it was just so sad
He had lost his brother
The week before
And
And he was
Fighting
Brian
I think
Killer her
And I thought
He showed him
A ton of respect
As well
I mean just
You know
Both of those guys
Um
But man
To get out there
And fight after
You know
Just a family tragedy
To be able to
Still show up
Uh
For yourself
And for your team
And
And for your
Brother's spirit
I thought it was
Oh
It was really touching
Man
It was real
Real touching
Um
What else is going on
Not
Not
You know
Everything
Really
Or nothing
Or
You know
We're back in business
It seemed like
They got some
Restaurants open
Um
And you know
They've
You know
This whole
This past weekend
Was a lot of
You know
A lot of unrest
In the media
In the news
And
Um
And we had a lot
Of voicemails about it
And I want to talk
About some of it
And
And um
And you know
I want to say
If you
If you come to this podcast
And you
You know
If you are
You know
This isn't like
A controversial
Type of place here
You know
If
If you come here
Listening to
You know
Um
Oh
Theo's gonna say
Something wrong
Or we're gonna
Catch you
This is the
You know
It's a type of
Environment where
People are
You know
Uh
You know
Where I'm gonna
Prove to him
My point
Or something like that
Man
I'm not
I
I
Don't have
Any answers
I
Don't have
Any answers
You know
And um
And
I
Don't know
How people
Can
100%
Have an answer
You know
Cause
Time
Is really
Time
Is kind of
A long
Question
So if
You
You know
But
I'm just
Saying
If you
You know
And I
Look
There's a lot
Of great
People in
Here
And just
I don't know
I've just
Gotten a lot
Of social
Media
Comments
And stuff
This past
Weekend
And
If you
I don't
Know
If you come
In here
To say
Oh
I know
Better
Than you
Or you
Don't
Know
Or this
You've
Already
Won
I'm not
Trying to
Be right
You know
I'm trying
To be
Alive
I'm trying
I'm trying
To stay
In contact
With
With life
I think
And stay
In contact
With just
The long
Question
That is
Life
You know
And this
Show
You know
Everybody's
Welcome
On this
Show
You know
You could
Be Arabic
You could
Be
You know
You could
Be
Homosexual
You could
Be
In a
Wheelchair
You could
Be from
Spain
You could
Be
Black
You could
Be
You know
What else
You could
Be a
Spirit
You could
Be a
Vapor
You could
Be anything
Native
American
Un-Native
American
You know
You could
Be whatever
You want
You could
Be
Tired
You could
Be menthol
Anything
You could
Be somebody
Who welded
Their legs
Together on
Accident
And shop
And now
Has to play
A mermaid
Every year
You know
In a local
Play
Everybody's
Welcome here
Man
You know
I just want
To let you
Know that
You could
Be anything
You know
Spanish
Mexican
Latino
Latina
You know
Latina
Latina
Latina
Vida
You know
That female
Christmas
Baby
You could
Be anything
And you're
Welcome here
Man
You know
That
But yeah
A lot
Going on
Out there
And
And so
Yeah
Thank you guys
For showing up
A lot of
People had
Calls that
Came in
About it
And so
I want
To get
To some
Of it
Get to
Some of
Those calls
Man
And just
Kind of
Talk about
What people
Are talking
About a
Little
Hear people's
Points of
Views
And what's
My experience
Been like
This past
Weekend
You know
I had a
Rough instance
We
You know
The Rat King
Came to visit
Because
Obviously
You know
Your boy
Tom
Sugar
Your boy
Tom Sugar
Knight
Over there
Is
He wanted
Some
And so
He got
Some
You know
Because that's
How it is
Sometimes
If you
Want some
Then you
Got some
You know
Knock knock
Who's there
Some
Because that's
What she's
About to get
And
And I'm
On Twitter
The other
Day
And I
Didn't know
How bad
I mean
Twitter is
Just
It's
Obviously
A real
Cess hole
And
You know
I see
Drew Brees
In there
Because I
Follow all
Saints stuff
And so
Drew Brees
Comes up
In my
Feed
And so
I'll
Click on
The video
And I'm
Doing something
And next
Thing you know
I hear
Brees
Talking about
How he
Supports
The
American
Flag
So I
Share it
You know
I retweet it
Put some
Strong arms
With it
And just
Retweet it
Well
You know
We're doing
Work about
An hour
Later
I get
A text
From
Brendan
Shout
You know
Or
Baskin
Robbins
Whatever people
Call them
Different
Nicknames
And he
Says
Hey man
People are
Upset about
Your tweet
And so
I look
At it
And
And I
Didn't
Realize
That
That
Drew Brees
Had been
Talking about
People's
Reaction to
Colin Kaepernick
Nealon
You know
I
Didn't
Watch the
Question from
The guy
In the
Beginning
From
Yahoo
Which I
Don't
I
Do not
Like
I used
To work
For
Yahoo
But
I
Don't
Like
Their
Website
Man
I
Think
It's
A
Bunch
Of
Garbage
But
But
Anyway
Next
Thing I
Know
I
Look
On
There
And
It's
Like
Oh
Man
People
People
That
I
Know
Are
Just
Dragging
Me
Through
The
Mud
Just
Dragging
Me
Through
The
Mud
Man
And
And
It
Was
Just
Kind
Of
Crazy
You
Know
And
So
I
Just
Took
My
Tweet
Down
You
Know
I
Didn't
Feel
Like
Dealing
With
I
Didn't
Feel
Like
Dealing
With
It
You
Know
I
Watched
The
Video
Fully
That
Drew
Breeze
Had
Up
And
I
Thought
Man
He
He
Could
Have
Expressed
himself differently who knows if he heard the question fully he's over you know
the things over
skype or zoom you know i don't know he you know he could have probably
expressed his answer differently
um but people were ripping him a new head and i had no idea you know i'm a
saints fan i see drew
breeze um he's talking about supporting the flag and so i share um you know
that's where i'm at
that's where i'm at with it i didn't uh i didn't know it was in correlation to
colin kaepernick
etc anyway so next thing you know there's just so much hateful stuff people
that i know just ripping
me up and so uh i just realized man i'm some of this social social media stuff
is just it's too much
you know it's not a place where you can converse i thought about saying oh uh
you know i'm a saint
fan and you know i just saw the part where he said that he's excited you know
that he respects the
flag and why he likes and why he supports it uh but people don't want there's
no there's no discussion
on twitter and there's really probably it's really tough to discuss anything
anywhere on social media
there's really not a lot of discussion there's not a lo