Name: Working from Home | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #283
Uploaded: 2020-06-23T06:18:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Working from Home | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #283' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Working from Home | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #283' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-23. Transcript available.

Working from Home | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #283

all right check check can you hear me
i am me who am i talking to um check check check check check um
what was i thinking about um
oh eucalyptus
sound like a question doesn't it when you first hear it
you know if somebody runs up to you say hey hey hey
eucalyptus i'd be like what who who said i did
that's what i maybe eucalyptus oh no you heard the wrong thing
eucalyptus nah never heard of them um and what else was i wanted to tell you
guys oh walnuts are
disgusting can we quit pretending like they're not
you see them sometime on a salad or you know as an item
as a written item on a menu get you a little side of this little
you know get you a little uh mannequin of strawberry ramekin
get you a little ramekin of strawberries or get you a little ramekin of walnuts
bitch i don't want a walnut
they're disgusting
you know what they taste like they taste like
um
they taste like you shouldn't be eating them
go go get a walnut
everybody act they have all i mean they got great pr
you know they got great public you know advertising but they're damn garbage
they're just damn garbage man so anyway um let's get into it man you know where
we are gang
happy father's day everyone belated
i'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could i be so far from my
home
that feeling baby
my mind is somewhere else but when i find it i'll patch up where it's been
and i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i
must be
cornerstone
oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can
feel it
in my bones
come on
a little time
for me to set that parking brake
and let myself unwind
shine that light on me
i'll sit and tell you my story
shine on me
and i will find a song
i will sing it
just follow you
and that is it
that is shine
by bishop gun
and i hope everybody had a
wonderful father's day
you know that father that's that
it's wild seeing a
you know i remember the first time when i was a kid when i saw my dad
i just i remember
you know he had on like a
dress shirt i remember in a
in a watch or something
you know in a pants and shoes and
and that was him
you know and just
pretty nondescript really honestly i mean
you know he was probably 74 years old or something
but
you know they had a guy in my neighborhood this boy small alan
and he
you know i mentioned him before he was a
he was a not a neighbor but
you know
could have been a neighbor if he'd have lived closer
kind of
person
and
his uh
and he was small
i mean damn you could barely
he'd play hide and seek for a month
six weeks
you know he was the only one if we were playing hide and seek you'd see him
you know get a bunch of food and stuff because it was going to be
he's going to be out there for a while he's so small
he hid in a bird's nest or something
you know you'd be looking around for everybody and you hear somebody fighting
with a bird in a tree
and that would be small up there
just going just
just wing the fist with a damn
sparrow or a
you know a daytime nightingale
because sometimes you see a nightingale gets lost
and that bitch is out there during the day
and you're like damn this thing
this is a damn pervert
but uh
but small man
he could hide in his daddy's shoe
that's what i was telling you
that's how
i mean he probably weighed
when i first met him
he probably weighed
probably 14 pounds maybe
or maybe
i bet maybe 14 pounds
two ounces if he had a damn
you know if he had a couple charleston shoes in his pocket
but uh
you know he was the kind of boy that could hide in his daddy's boot
just that kind of boy
but um anyway
happy father's day to everybody
belated
and if you're a father and
and you have a child
i bet it's pretty
i bet it's special
you know and i bet it's nice to
just to have another chance
i think about sometimes having another chance at
being young
and
you know and
that's really one of the beauties of life
is that
is that
is that second chance
you know the
just the way that um
you know
you get your own childhood
as a child
but then you get one
you get to do one right
if you know
if you don't get it right
you're
if you don't
if it isn't
you know
the things that happen to you
you get to redo them
you get that do over
and that's a
what a program
what a program
that's been designed for us
what's going on man
i
i'm at home
i decided i'm gonna try
doing the podcast back at home
not in the studio
just tonight
you know just tonight
it's sunday night
and uh
and so yeah i just
sometimes the studio
like all the
just the bells and whistles
of it
um
it doesn't feel the same
it doesn't feel
as
i don't know
i don't know
so i thought
well maybe i'll try it
back at home
where i started
just in my kitchen
you know
so if you're watching
on the youtube
you're seeing that
you're seeing just the
i mean it is damn
bare bones in here
bare bones
i mean just like a damn
naked skeleton in here
just like a skeleton
that just
oh
couldn't even find
a loincloth
like good goodness
look at that thing
just showing off
its occipitals
out here
put on some shades
you naughty bone man
um
yeah what's going on
let me think about it man
uh
we got some calls
we got things to discuss
and things not to discuss
and
we have uh
you know
we just have the world
it's summertime
it's summertime
and that's one thing
it feels like this year
because of the disease
it feels like
i don't know
does a birthday count
does summer count
does spring count
it seems like
i mean next year
we better get a serious
do over
you know
next year
we better get a damn
serious do over
because nothing
it's just feeling like
nothing counts
kind of
hope you guys can hear me
okay
if the audio
or video
is bad
you can only
blame
moi
and that's french
me baby
that moi
um
but what else
is going on
what else
is going on
out there
not too
i mean
i don't know
what did i even do
this weekend
i feel like
oh i had some breakfast
with my buddy
and he got the rancheros
and i got the regular
you know
bacon egg
and uh
what else
um
i don't know
something i was going
to tell you
i don't know
just all this
i mean we're just
in the damn future
i've been feeling like
i've been feeling like
man we are in
the future
this is
the future
like how much more
future can we get
have you thought of it
how much
more future
can we get
before you just
emailing people
to you know
to istanbul
or to rome
i mean that's what's next
really getting emailed
who you emailing with
oh i got emailed
with delta
or
you know
oh i got me a
real cheap email
over on spirit emails
dude that would be
the worst
spirit emails
and that's when
they can transport you
and they send you
through
you show up
dude your luggage
doesn't make it
you're like damn
they pressed the button
and they put me
through the
the human emailer
or whatever
and
shit my arms
my arms didn't even
come through
like holy shit
so now you got to
spend the whole holidays
with your family
just you can't even
hug anybody
you just got to
while people
people don't know
if you want to hug
they
just probably guess
you don't
because you don't
you know
you really have to
have your arms
to
otherwise
nobody ever know
if you want a hug
or not
they just think
you don't like
them
you almost have
to get a little
like a signal
or something
you know
like a
that means
you need a
freaking
you need somebody
to just
hold you
and you know
and just hold you
and just
and you just
kind of pinch
them with your
shoulders
I guess
if you don't
have arms
but I mean
can you imagine
that
they start
transporting
just emailing
people
and look
you get
and there's
different types
of ways
there's like
if you get
emailed
and coach
it takes
a little while
take you
about nine
minutes
to get
there
you just
you know
you're just
in the
stuck in the
power lines
or whatever
or in the
wi-fi
maybe your
spouse gets
lost
y'all
supposed
to be
in
Hawaii
or
something
that
you know
that bastard
gets lost
and it's
just
suddenly
you're single
again
you're like
damn
alright
you know
we went
with United
you know
it's supposed
to be
unlimited
megabytes
and I guess
you know
Ronnie put
on weight
and they
just
they couldn't
handle it
couldn't
handle them
through the
system
and so
I guess
I'm just
I got all
the sunscreen
I want
this week
what else
is going
on
not
nothing
oh we
had
Sugar
Sean
come on
Sugar
Sean
the
MMA
fighter
and that
was wild
man
that guy
it's
just
I mean
you guys
know
you know
a lot
of you
I'm
fascinated
by
MMA
fighters
and even
regular
fighters
hell
I'll
you know
I'll bet
on two of
these bastards
in the park
over by me
and these
they got some
you know
I saw two
fuckers over there
throwing down
for a damn
you know
half a pineapple
two days ago
so
it's
you know
they got
you know
I've started
to get more
into the sport
and I'm
watching old
fights
and
it's just
you know
but Sugar
Sean
man
he
he's that
high
he's that
high
sucrose
smack talker
and it's so
funny
because you'd
ask him
about somebody
or interesting
because you'd
ask him
and he would
like well
how do you
think you'd
do in a
fight
with so
and so
and he
would close
his eyes
and think
about it
and he'd
like oh
I'd knock
him out
because it's
interesting
some people
just talk
shit
you know
some people
should have
a toilet
for a chin
because they
just
talking
shot
but old
Sugar
Sean
baby
he just
he really
visualizes
it
and every
time in his
visualizations
he comes
out of
Victor
that's
that's
interesting
isn't
it
because I
guess I
just don't
have that
same
wherewithal
you know
in my
visualizations
half the
time I
come
I'll get
third place
I'll take
bronze
in my own
dreams
that's
crazy
isn't it
so
so that was
really captivating
man
I'm excited
for
I'm glad
you guys
you know
I'm glad
those guys
let me
interview
them
and learn
about their
space a
little bit
you know
I feel
not
conflicted
sometimes
but just
you know
it hasn't
been my
territory
but
you know
that's been
one of the
gifts of
knowing
Dustin
Poirier
man
is that
you know
by him
you know
being willing
to come on
the show
and then
it gives you
a little bit
of credit
with the
other people
you know
and
I'm excited
man
Dustin's
got a fight
this weekend
coming up
you know
I'm real
excited
about that
man
I'm real
excited
and it's
funny
because I
used to
man
just
when I
first started
watching him
I wasn't
that into
it
but now
I'm
into it
now that
I know
nobody's
gonna die
I think
I used
to think
people
died
like it
was like
running
into the
bulls
over there
in Diploma
Spain
I don't know
if you guys
have ever
been
been there
but
every year
in Diploma
they have
running
of the
bulls
and basically
they take
the baddest
bulls
in the
world
man
I'm
talking
a bunch
of damn
Horace
grunts
you feel
me
I'm
talking
a bunch
of
Scotty
trippins
bro
and they
let those
bitches
loose
through
the city
and people
have been
drinking
wine
and talking
shit
and people
are wearing
t-shirts
that say
like
you know
go
Pistons
or something
or Celtics
in four
you know
and then
these bad
bitches
come through
the street
at like
7 a.m.
because I've
been there
you know
I'm not
bragging
but I'm
you know
I guess
I'm boasting
a little
and then
I mean
you're out
there
and
and they
got wine
and everybody
people drinking
wine out of
all kind
of shit
you'll see
a dude
you'll see
a dude
with a
with a
casket
or whatever
of wine
a flasket
you'll see
a dude
with a
basket
of wine
a
masket
you'll see
a dude
wearing a
mask
he'll take
that bitch
off
drink right
out of it
you're like
damn
that dude
is freaking
huh
it's the
phantom
of the
slopper
I do
because
that dude
is getting
sloppy
as hell
off his
damn
face
piece
yeah
you see
it all
you know
and then
when everybody
is just
liquored
to the
gills
I mean
I mean
your buddy
is just
turned into
a damn
large mouth
bass
bro
you are
liquored
to the
gills
when you've
had as
much
wine
as you
can
and people
drinking
out of
everything
you'll see
a dude
he'll
he'll
have
installed
a damn
tube
into his
esophagus
bro
you know
or whatever
it's called
that
you know
that liquid
pipe
that takes
liquid
into your
body
from your
face
he'll
have a
tube
installed
into his
esophagus
bro
and have