Name: Hot Bass | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #286
Uploaded: 2020-07-13T13:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hot Bass | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #286' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hot Bass | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #286' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-13. Transcript available.

Hot Bass | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #286

I'm just I'm jumped up I'm jumped up man I got a frog in my ball right now I've
been having me a
little bit of coffee that um what kind do I have Folgers pecan praline flavor
and damn boy
that shit got some whoo that it's got at least some 84 octane in it that thing
oh give me heart gas bro you ever get that I used to get that when I used to
work out on a farm out
there off of um near the levee over there in Mississippi and I used to work on
a farm over
there with a tall man and and a fat fella kind of smaller and um one of them
died actually one
got on pills and died but uh or not he didn't die but he he did die he did die
but um oh
shit what was I talking about oh I don't even know I do not even know but um
but I'm back
and I hope you're back and apparently you are here we go
love is laughing in the springtime the other day on my way to see you
crowds of people trying to stare there's nothing left to see you and me you and
me
time is no stranger if you're all by yourself this time there's no danger cause
you found someone else
you once told me to be patient love will find its way wait and see
oh try to phase out better let me try to phase out again
time is no stranger
okay okay and we are happy to have that music right there and that is music by
a talented man
a man of talent named Stevie Starlight and you know some of his music has been
with us since the
beginning since the beginning and that is off of his new album unnaturally
happy and there will be
a link in the bio you can go and support him and um and thank you Stevie for
those new tunes
thank you for that
good to be back I'm at home again I'm at home again I like being at home
you know I um I just moved the podcast the episode back here into my apartment
I just
you know I don't know I just feel better I feel
I feel the bells and whistles sometimes
you know it's almost like say you go to a Christmas party
or if somebody has a party at Christmas and you go to that you know what I'm
saying
say you walk into somebody's house and people are drinking eggnog and it's
December
you know I don't know how else I can explain it to you
but um
and and your wife or somebody
a man if you a gay man you got a buddy or something you say oh that's my friend
Carl or whatever
that's my friend Tyson but you always just pretend it's your friend from the
gym but it's
you know it's gonna probably be your husband if you guys live in a state that
allows it
and you go in there and you're wearing something that does
it doesn't
you know you might be wearing a Christmas sweater but it's got the
the lights
strewn into it and
you got to carry a little can of um
you know electricity electricity little generator generator
and you got to plug it into that and hold that bitch all night and
you know and every you know every 30 minutes your sweater lights up and sings
you know
ba-rum-ba-bum-bum
this is just my friend Carl you know
that kind of shit you know what I'm saying is that
you might not feel comfortable in it
you know in the beginning you'll like it you'll like the
the fashion you'll like the
the
the attraction people will come and look at it
and they'll watch it play the song one time or something
and maybe it'll give you a little
you know a hug or a pat on the back or something
and be like oh what what gym do you guys work at
knowing that you guys live together there
you know everybody's playing along
you know then
and obviously you guys are
you know lovers probably
men lovers they call it some places or whatever
doesn't matter
it could be your wife
if you have a wife it could also be your wife or whatever
what I'm saying is sometimes you're wearing something that
you know it just
it feels fun but it's not
you know you just don't feel comfortable in it
and
so anyway that's just how I've been feeling
at the
with the studio and so I'm just happy to be
in my apartment
there's
there's less expectations that maybe
I don't know what there are
I don't know
and it doesn't matter maybe
I just feel good about it
what's going on
oh
I just got back from
New Hampshire
live free or die
that's their motto
up there
and it's nice
and you get up there
and you really can feel
you know
you just
they got
well I'll tell you what happened
I flew into Maine
I flew into Maine
you know
and
and Maine
I don't know if you've been to Maine
I don't know if you've been to
I flew into Portland, Maine
and if you've been to any
city or town up in this area
in that high New England
in that far reach of
you know
this is the damn
this is the
the seventh appendage bro
when you get up there
way up off of Maine
and
in New Hampshire
some of that area
you just
you don't know what's going on really
you know
there's still pilgrims
parking their boats
there's
you know
that you'll see a cannonball
go through the air
it's
they got some old school
shit
but they also
the zoning apparently
here's the thing
three things that are allowed up
in that area
Dunkin Donuts
Urgent Care
and
Cemetery
those three things
every other
area
or building
which is like a
square area
basically
is
one of those three things
dude you go to
you go to
Urgent Care
what happened
oh he broke his arm
oh give him a
give him an apple fritter
you know
oh a shark bit off his
shoulder
oh tape a
creller
just you know
rubber cement a creller
up into there
into the socket
he'll be fine
doesn't matter
you go get a blood
transfusion
they'll fucking pump you
full of
you know
eight ounces of hot
Bavarian cream
just fill you up
that you know
you get part of your
spine taken out
it doesn't matter
they'll put two
donut holes in there
and now you got a
little sugar in your
step you know
now you meet men
on accident
it's just that
I mean it's just
those are the only
if you have been in
this area
those are the
only businesses
are you hurt
if so
you might need a
Dunkin Don it
boy
and if not
you might be dead
those are the
options
urgent care
Dunkin Don it
cemetery
or cemitario bro
that Mexican death
spot
you got it
so that's it up
there
oh a bald eagle
fucking
you know
bit your neck
open
don't even worry
about it bro
we'll
we'll freaking
duct tape an
eclair to your
cousin
you're gonna be
fine
it don't matter
they'll got
I mean they'll
have a dead
dude
somebody climb
out the grave
and they give
him a fucking
Don it
hit him with
two Dunkin Don
it's bro
he's back
goes back to
you know
the other side
it's just that
kind of area
there
it's just
it's just so
damn Dunkin
and it's just
so damn
urgent
and it's just
so damn
deadly
but that's the
kind of place
it is
live free
or die
you know
eat donuts
get urgently
cared for
and then go
to heaven
that's what
they're doing
up there
so I flew
in
and uh
oh and I
went to see
my buddy
and he is
you know
this is a
friend of mine
and we used
to live
together
I used to
actually sleep
under his bed
when I first
moved to
Los Angeles
when I first
came out
here to
this
city
um
I
slept
under my
fella
my buddy
Kevin's bed
I slept
under there
for $150
and his
roommate
worked at
TSA
security
airport
and he
had just
gotten out
of the
marines
or double
marines
or something
or just
I don't know
he might have
just gotten
out of the
damn
angry
assholes
club
but he
made me
uh
one time
I came
home
or I
don't know
if you
would call
it home
when you're
sleeping under
somebody's
bed for $150
but you
know I
came
back to
the area
that I
would sleep
under
somebody's
bed in
and uh
and the
roommate
had my
prescription
pills out
at the
table
you know
because I
was on a
couple things
at the
time you
know
something for
the brain
something for
the pain
you feel
me I
was on
a couple
of uh
you know
nothing
crazy
just
some
antidepressants
and maybe
some couple
of Percocets
or some
Xanis
something
you know
a little bit
of stool
softener
and a little
bit of
stool
hardener
and um
and he
sits me
down at
the table
and he
had a
damn
pistol
there
and he's
like are
these your
pills
like he
was just
practicing
he just
got a
job
working
at the
uh
you know
it's
doing
I
I don't
know
I don't
know what
he was
doing
but he
had a
weapon
and he
sat
me
down
he's
like
you
could
I
could
go to
these
are
schedule
one
narcotics
boy
I don't
know what
the hell
I was like
what
but um
anyway
so my
friend
Kevin
that's
whose bed
I slept
under
oh and
I'll tell
you this
they had
a guy
who lived
with us
years later
and he
was a
this guy
was uh
you know
he was
black and
white
swirl
they used
to call
it
swirl
and he
was
swirl
you know
swirl
but you
know
a swirl
boy
and he
he could
jump over
a
a
Volkswagen
and he
was also
he was on
the Olympic
junior ski
team
or not
ski but
uh
jumping
what's that
sport where
they jump
across the
thing
they just
jump
they spin
and the
you know
they play
a song
and they
jump
and they
jump
around
and everybody
tries to
pretend
they're
straight
and it's
all
in the
end
it's a
lot of
closeted
men
but
beautiful
but the
whole thing
is damn
beautiful
it looks
French
kind
of
but it's
on ice
you know
what I'm
talking
about
anyway
I'm
rambling
but uh
damn
this coffee's
got me
um
what am I
talking
about
uh
oh so
anyway
my buddy
Kevin
now
was up
in New
Hampshire
I went
to visit
him
he's up
there with
his girlfriend
and he
thought
she thought
he was
gonna surprise
her
with
marriage
proposal
so she's
expecting that
surprise
and instead
the surprise
was me
that I was
coming to
visit
so
it was
not
they were
not
enthralled
she was
not
enthralled
about that
when you
expecting that
diamond ring
but you
get the
rat king
baby
uh
so needless
to say
it was
it was
awkward
but it
was fun
man
and it
was just
nice up
there
you know
they have
lakes up
there
they have
a lake
you know
this
we're
they have
crystal lake
purity lake
the area
we were in
and beautiful
just
the kind
of water
you just
god
it feels
like it
has just
like a
amniotic
fluid in
like if
you
masturbated
into the
water
you know
nine months
later
your son
would just
wash up
on the
shore
and he
you know
and you'd
run him to
urgent care
and put a
couple
dunkin
donets
in his
bottle
just that
kind of
place
you know
um
what else
but yeah
went fishing
oh that
was the
fun thing
so went
fishing
and um
and they
got the
they
well I
caught my
first bass
you know
and I
went fishing
for the
first time
at 5 a.m.
in the
morning
and this
was crazy
man
we got
out there
and uh
and got
out there
in these
rowboats
and you
know had
some worms
had some
lures
or lures
and went
at them
and it
was uh
it was
I guess
you know
I wish I
knew more
about
fishing
and I'm
trying to
learn more
about it
you know
I grew
up we
would just
put the
it was
just worm
you catch
a worm
or you
put a
little dog
food or
something on
there
or a little
cat food
or something
or one time
my buddy
killed a
swan and
we caught
caught a bunch
of bull heads
on a damn
you know
on that
swan
sashimi
meat
you know
fresh swan
but we
got out
there in
the row
boats
and we
fished
and there
was just
a bunch
of little
just aggravating
ass fish
dude
a bunch
of damn
water
antifa
just biting
at my
line
just nibbling
at my
giblets
you feel me
just thieves
really
looters
they'd come
up steal
your worm
bite that
bitch up
and jet
off
go do
something
else
they wanted
to do
you know
go hit
the next
guy
but
but finally
one spot
I was on
this one
bank
and I was
putting everything
back in
anything I
caught
little pikes
pecorels
what else
little bluegills
and then
one time
I put that
I put that
bait in
and it was
worm
this is just
ground worm
American ground
worm
you know
the freaking
Ray Charles
of the earth
brothers
them
you know
them blind
bad boys
you know
that baby
snake
you know
what I'm
talking about
that worm
man
you know
what I'm
saying
that
I mean
a worm
you know
imagine
being a
worm
just
day
after day
just
just
moving
through
dirt
and
and
it
nothing
none of
it
it's all
just a
grind
and maybe
I guess
you fuck
other worms
I don't
even know
if they
do sex
I mean
I've never
seen
them
I've never
seen them
doing sex
worms
but I
I mean
I
I guess
if you put
a couple
of them
in a little
cage
and read
them a
romance
novel
or something
or put
them in
a little
you know
a bowl
or 