Name: Through the Sprinkler | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #289
Uploaded: 2020-07-27T20:07:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Through the Sprinkler | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #289' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Through the Sprinkler | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #289' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-27. Transcript available.

Through the Sprinkler | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #289

How are you? Check. We are recording here and camera going and going.
Excelente. And that means excellent. In Spanish, you know, that's one of the
easy ones.
There's harder ones. Peligroso. And that means danger in Spanish.
So it gets trickier, you know, the closer you get to Spain, really.
You know, I made a mistake. I saw a man the other day and he was in a in a he
had a hat on.
Right. You know, he had that brim. And so I went up and it said Mariners, you
know, and so I said, oh, you know, are you a big fan?
You know, I said. Unfortunately, you guys are one of the only teams never to
win the.
The pennant. You know, the championship.
The major league championship.
And he's just look. He said, excuse me. I said.
You know, you guys are one of the.
You know, Seattle. You guys are one of the only teams.
You know, to never win it. It's unfortunate.
And he's just.
You know, I said, you know, I was a Saints fan and they they hadn't they didn't
win it for 30 years.
And.
You know, I know your pain a little and.
I said, you know, and he just kind of looking at me where I said, you know, I
love Ichiro.
And I always have really, you know, enjoyed Ichiro Suzuki.
If you if you've seen him or if you haven't, he is a man.
And I'm not going to, you know, racially profile him, but.
You know, he could be Bobby Lee's daddy.
I'll say that.
You know, you wouldn't be surprised if you looked up the Song Sang dynasty and
he was in.
One of the arts.
You know, one of the drawings or whatever.
But, you know, I said I loved Ichiro.
You know, Tino Martinez.
I'm rattling off different Mariners players.
And he's like, what are.
What are you.
And at this point, I can tell he's getting a little upset.
And I started to think something was wrong.
I started to feel high, honestly.
And he's like, well, what in the fuck are you talking about?
I said, the Mariners.
And I pointed his hat and it said Marines on it.
And.
I mean, just damn, you know, just.
Nothing.
There's something when you ask a member of an armed force.
You know, when you ask a man who is a, you know, a warrior.
Who's traveled to other lands, you know, to, you know, to fight and.
You know, try and.
You know, hook up with women on his off days and.
You know, or be secretly in love with men or whatever.
You know, a military.
When you ask a man like that and you just repeatedly kind of accuse him of
being a.
Seattle Mariners fan.
It's.
Well, it's not something you want to do.
Let's crack into a tune or two.
That one.
Let's try a different one here.
These are summertime melodies, you know, beats.
Here we go.
And this has that little summertime vibe kind of.
Maybe you and your lady taking a walk by the lake.
Or by a drainage canal or something, you know.
You and your lady splitting a piece of Nicorette out there.
You look out and you see something in the water.
There you go.
And that's beautiful right there.
That's Embrace Me Summertime by Esobel Walton.
And that is supposed to be a damn summertime kind of tune.
Melody, you know, something to just.
You know, just give years a little bit of Halloween, you know, just something.
You know, to somebody.
You know, my mother used to have a friend that would come over sometime and.
I don't know if he was a friend as much as he was just somebody that.
Was trying to, you know, have sex with my mother.
And.
He used to do this little thing.
He'd put a tic-tac in his ear.
And then turn his head and make it go in there.
And.
You know, I don't know.
I mean, honestly, I have no idea if it ever.
If the man ever really got it out or not.
But.
Shout out the Marines and the Seattle Mariners.
And do not make that mistake.
Here's one.
Oh, yeah.
Now, this is that country time lemonade kind of vibe.
Oh, yeah.
This is definitely a couple of white guys.
Maybe split a piece of.
You know, Viagra blue chew gum, you know.
That wiener gum.
And they're both.
Now it's a threesome.
They're both banging in.
You know, just hammering into a young woman.
They've both known for a long time.
A woman who is willing to be.
In this.
You know, she's enjoying it.
Everybody's doing good.
There they go.
Couple youngsters.
Getting that sex in.
Maybe doing a little bit of fucking right there.
Okay.
And that's some good music right there.
It is July 27th.
And it is the year 2020.
In case the aliens have heard, you know, have lumbered upon this.
You know, in case the vessel that is current society.
Ends up in the, you know, if the realm closes and everything ends.
And the vessel that we are on.
And the vessel that we are on.
Just Titanic's into, into the past.
And one day an alien.
You know, some little sneaky ass alien.
Because you know how some of them are.
You know, he's probably doing a little bit of space coke or something.
Busting a gram of damn, you know, moon ketamine or something.
And he lumbers over and cracks open the time capsule that was 2020.
Maybe this will fall right out onto him.
You know.
Maybe Ken Griffey Jr. will join the Marines.
What's happening, man?
I've been, what have I been doing?
I helped somebody move today.
And.
That shit will get you.
You know, there's a thing, a service called Task Rabbit.
You put in something you want on there.
You want somebody to do something.
And they'll see if they'll do it.
You know, oh, Hank will do it for $40.
You put whatever.
Get me a dessert.
You know, or.
You know, stand in line at the DMV.
You know.
Fucking tickle my cousin.
Do whatever.
Do something.
You know, and you get that subordinate.
It's somebody that'll.
Come, they'll do it.
You know, it's anything.
Called Task Rabbit.
It's an app.
It's an application on your iPhone.
You get that sucker.
And you say, look, you know, I want.
I want a man, you know, fill his mouth with lump crab meat and run around a
damn.
You know, indoor track.
All right.
You know, Reginald, he'll do it for $40, man.
And it's just, you can get anything.
I want somebody.
I mean.
I think it's nothing sexual you can't get, but you could get anything else.
I want somebody to come over here and hug me.
You know, $7, $8.
Just different options, man.
I got a lot of options on there.
So, I used that Task Rabbit, found a man to help.
And next thing you know, I got a nice new lamp.
Dropped a sofa off by my friend's house.
She decided she didn't want it after we moved her sofa out.
So, then we had to go back.
Me and this Task Rabbit, this man named Andrew.
And he was tall.
This man probably damn.
I mean, I'd be crazy to say nine feet, but I'd be dishonest if I said he was
anything under 8'1".
This 8'1", fella.
I mean, this guy probably had a wiener on him like a damn.
You know, he had a wiener that I bet would eat a worm if you fed it to it.
That kind of guy, you know, just a real.
He got that Olympic wiener.
You know, you put his wiener, you know, behind something, it'll jump over it.
That kind of, when you got that much body and that, you know, 8'1", your dick
will do a stunt.
Your dick will do a stunt.
And that's really, there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, so I helped some moving.
Oh, they had a rally not far from my place today, a protest.
And pretty cool to see, you know.
I mean, I'm all about people actively expressing their, you know, their disdain
and their discomfort.
You know, people just putting their voice out in there and creating a fire with
their throats and with their emotions.
I mean, at some points it gets wild too.
I mean, a lot of these protests have turned into just photo opportunities.
You know, little Dorothy's out there showing her, you know, showing her coochie
to a damn, you know, to a fireman.
And they take a picture and say, oh, Dorothy's, you know, she's going to save
Antarctica.
And you're like, uh, I don't know.
You know, Dorothy's going to get some damn, probably some creosote in her, in
her crea crotch, man.
She's going to get some, you know, she's going to end up with some damn, you
know, a secondhand disease.
I mean, it's just dangerous.
You know, you open your vagina up there out on a damn busy intersection, you
know, shit gets dangerous.
It's just a lot of people out there now just looking for photo opportunities, I
find.
You know, what's the best angle?
How can I get this thing that makes me look great and makes police or makes
firemen or even anybody look bad?
I saw one person, it looked like they had a fake fireman out there with them,
you know.
And they were not tickling him, but kind of trying to look like they were
getting in a fight or somebody really just look like somebody was just kind of
tickling a fat cop.
Which that's something they should do every now and then.
Get the fattest cop out and let everybody tickle him a little.
I'm not saying that will calm or quell the, the, some of the anarchy, but I
think it'll, it will put a, it'll help a little.
But, you know, if you saw a bunch of real dark hands tickling a fat cop, that's
gonna, that's gonna set everybody a little bit at ease, I think.
But, yeah, what did I, I saw something where some Antifa members, you know,
someone had put on their job application that they served two years in Antifa.
And that they were in two battles.
I'm like, friggin' battles?
It was like, yeah, you know, I, you know, I served under the, under the watch
of Milkshake 47.
As we commandeered a DSW's shoes.
You know, you may know me from some of my work, uh, you know, there's a
Snapchat video of me, uh, beating a small business owner.
You know?
Like, uh, I don't think you can put that on your job application.
Oh, yeah, you may know me.
Um, I was, I, you know, I, I was in, uh, I, I served in Antifa for, for, for
two weeks.
Um, you know, I, uh, I started a fire, uh, outside of an abandoned Toys R Us.
So, you know, there's definitely some Snapchats of my work.
It's just like, what the F?
What the Fs?
What the Fs?
Um, what else, man?
What else is going on?
Things are going on.
It's summertime.
It's a time for love.
I do know that.
Yeah, I watched a little bit of baseball.
What else?
Uh, you know, I didn't do too much.
Went for a couple runs.
Um, you know, I'm going to go to Nashville, uh, next weekend, I believe.
You know, and go be around there for about a week.
Just to kind of see what's cracking.
You know, see what's going on and get a vibe.
Um, waiting to hear back on the animated cartoon.
You know, we, we took a, uh, pitch out, like pitching out to networks for the,
um, the Saturday morning tunes, you know, that are on Instagram.
And so we finally got a good package to take out a real cartoon.
And we've been taking it out and, and I've been getting some response from a
couple spots.
So, uh, I'll keep you guys posted on how that's going.
But thank you so much over time for just supporting, uh, the cartoons and just
the ability to be able to do that.
You know, um, that never would have happened if it weren't for this podcast,
making these, you know, these cartoons.
And I'm a little scary because, you know, sometimes you take on a lot of bird,
you know, when you take things into Hollywood, it can get a little strange.
Um, but hopefully we'll be able to just end up making something that's fun and,
and have an opportunity.
You know, we're trying our best.
So I do want to let you know that.
I also want to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by Raycon.
And they have earbuds.
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