Name: Andrew Santino 3 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #290
Uploaded: 2020-08-03T16:14:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino 3 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #290' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino 3 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #290' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-03. Transcript available.

Andrew Santino 3 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #290

Today's episode is brought to you by Grayblock Pizza.
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Grayblock, get that hitter, baby.
Today's guest is a man, and he's really one of a kind and very unique.
He is an actor. He's a podcaster.
He is a part of the Bad Friends podcast and host of Whiskey Ginger.
He's a comedian, and he's my friend, Mr. Andrew Santino.
I need to set that parking brake and left myself on my eyes.
He's got really nice, smooth skin.
It's like wax paper.
He's almost not real.
At some point, I don't know if we might find out that he's not real, but he's a
sweet, sweet boy.
Oh, at some point, the Jumanji game is going to end somewhere, and he's going
to disappear.
He's just going to disappear.
Dude, who is worse friends?
Oh, so y'all's new show is called Bad Friends.
Bad Friends, yeah.
And who is worse friends, you and Bobby or me and what's it called? Pirate's Booty
himself,
Brennan Schau.
Oh, Brennan?
Brennan?
Yeah.
I think you guys are worse friends.
Barneyard, they call him.
Barneyard, yeah.
Barndor Schlubin is probably, you guys are worse friends.
No, no, no.
No one's, me and Bobby are friends.
I'll ask you this.
How about this?
Bobby and I are friends because we get mad at each other all the time.
Okay.
Like, are you and Brennan friends because you bicker a lot?
Do you bicker a lot and it makes you closer or no?
Well, that's a good question.
I mean, yeah, the reason the show even started was because we were ripping on
each other.
Yeah, right.
Okay, so with us, it started because we undeniably have opposing lifestyles.
So we would tease each other and get mad at each other for it.
I hated that he played video games till four in the morning.
Oh, yeah.
He thinks sports are for losers.
Yeah.
We're polar opposites.
I like that stuff.
He likes that stuff.
And we make fun of each other for it, but it just, it works.
Like, the way that you and Barndor shit on each other.
Yeah.
It's beautiful because I know half of it's real and half of it's all love.
Yeah.
But it's, you know, there's a balance to all of it.
Yeah, it's that heartfelt dung, really, a lot of it.
You know?
It's like, hey, here's a turd, but man, you know, I'll put a valentine at the
end of it.
It looks nice.
I wrapped it up nice.
Yeah, I wrapped this piece of shit for you, but you mean a lot to me.
Yeah, that's kind of how it is, man.
You look good.
You feel good?
I feel okay, man.
I'm going to Nashville to look around over there.
I know we talked, huh?
Yeah.
You excited?
I looked at houses online when I texted you.
Mm-hmm.
When you said you were looking at Nashville, I looked at houses online just to
see what
they're like over there.
Mm-hmm.
It's so funny to think that like-
Could you get something nice there?
You can.
You can, but not like I thought it would be.
Right.
Because Nashville's popular, dude.
Yeah.
That's not, this isn't like a, you know, when somebody's like, I'm moving to
Cincinnati,
you're like, all right, you're going to buy the whole town.
Right.
And you could buy Cincinnati.
Yeah.
But you go to Nashville, it's still like it is out here.
It's a little expensive in the sense of like, you know, you're going to get
your money's
worth, but-
It's pricey.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, because it's desirable.
Tennessee's great.
There's no state income tax.
Yeah.
Right?
It's also, Nashville is a hub for music and culture and art.
Anytime you get that, you're going to have people going there from places like
Illinois,
where I'm from.
It's too expensive to live.
The taxes are as much as they are on it.
My parents pay almost what I pay.
No way.
Yeah.
And taxes for their house.
And your parents are still married?
Yeah.
Damn.
Yeah.
But I mean, legally.
Legally.
Right.
Because when my dad's retired, you know.
Do they sleep in the same bedroom still?
No.
Yes and no.
My dad stays up late at night.
Yeah.
So he doesn't go, you know what I mean?
That's the move.
When it gets to that age, when it's the final 20, when it's that final 20 years,
when that
last quarter.
Yeah.
When that last lap starts, the big move is to stay in front of the TV as long
as you
can once the spouse goes to bed.
Because when they go to bed, then you go, oh, I fell asleep.
I didn't know.
I just, I didn't know you went up last night.
I fell asleep.
Yeah.
He loves the couch.
Sometimes he sleeps in the guest room sometimes because he says he didn't, if
he goes, oh,
I had a cough or I didn't feel good.
Separation.
I don't like sleeping in the same bed.
Do you like sleeping in the same bed as a lady?
No.
No.
I don't like sleeping in the same apartment as a lady.
I know.
I want a shared room.
That's why I want to get a big enough house where my wife can be on one side.
I can be on the other.
I have a couple of friends like that.
Yeah.
They're just big enough homes where they split.
Yeah.
I want to have a schedule in the kitchen.
You know, we'll meet here at noon.
Yeah.
You know, but I can be in my wing.
You're in your wing.
We'll link up for breakfast or lunch.
Yeah.
Then we continue on.
How great is that?
It's beautiful, man.
I don't like sleeping in the same bed.
I'm dead serious.
I don't, I don't, I want, I want my whole space.
I get too hot.
I get anxious.
I flip around.
Do you wake up at night or no?
Yeah.
I'm up all night long.
Yeah.
You seem like somebody that was up all night.
I wake up, I go to the bathroom, I go to bed.
I wake up, I go, I go write something down, watch TV.
I can't sleep through the night.
Write something down.
Yeah.
What is this?
Are you in like, are you on a ship in the Potomac?
I'm solving murder mysteries week to week.
And if I think of the blood was on his shoe and then I'll write it down.
No, if I get a thought that I can't, I need like, you know, you put it in your
phone.
Don't you put stuff in your phone like that?
Yeah.
Let me, I'll read a couple.
Yeah.
Read something that you throw down in your phone recently.
Let me see.
What a, what a comics condition, by the way.
A lot of mine's about gays and a lot of mine's racial stuff too.
Oh, same.
Oh, blind puzzle making.
I thought it would be good if they had a game show where it was blind people
making puzzles,
you know?
Oh, I love that.
This says, why do adults like to get spanked?
Why do adults like to get spanked during sex?
It's gross.
It's indicative of childhood trauma.
It's very strange to like.
It's like knock it out.
Knock that trauma.
Yeah.
You want to spank the trauma right out of me.
Yeah.
That's where the term daddy bothers me.
When I have a son, I'll, I'll hit him in the face if he calls me daddy.
Yeah.
I'm, I'm papa or pop or dad.
Yeah.
Daddy is gross.
Daddy.
Yuck.
Oh yeah.
Daddy's too much.
It's gross.
Father.
Father.
Father's nice.
Yes, father.
Yes, boy.
Yes.
Yeah.
Go fetch your pail.
Go fetch your pail, boy.
Dude, I get a text.
I get a DM from this company that I've never answered, but for the past seven
months,
they've hit me up and they say, who's your jeweler?
Who do you use as a jeweler?
They're a jewelry company.
I don't ever wear jewelry.
I, I, I don't even wear a wedding.
I don't like jewelry.
I don't like stuff.
And they hit me up every other week.
They race their DM and they send it again.
Who's your jeweler?
I think I might need to go get some jewelry.
You think?
I'm trying to think.
How do you, oh, I could see you in a chain.
I could see you in a wrist, in a wrist chain.
A tennis bracelet.
Oh.
But I want it on my ankle, like a girl.
I want, like a girl on spring break.
Dude, I want one above each knee.
You know?
Yeah.
I want a, I want.
Most savage thing.
Yeah, right above your knee, wrapped around.
That's, that's dope.
Wouldn't that be funny if you had $20,000 on each leg?
Oh, yeah.
I would love that.
My knees are blinged out.
Dude, that's so wild, man, to think that, like, I wonder, like, yeah, what
jewelry's
going to be like in the future, like, if we, like, if people are going to start
to get
more stuff, like, installed into their bodies.
Yeah, bro.
Have you seen in their teeth?
Will it all be virtual?
I mean, I've seen those Johnny Dang.
Have you seen that guy?
No, no, no.
I mean in their teeth.
People put diamonds in their tooth.
Oh, yeah, Simon Rex has one.
That's wild.
They, like, they physically put it into your tooth now.
They used to put it on your tooth.
Now they can drill a hole and put a diamond in your tooth.
Get in there.
That's what I want.
There's Johnny Dang right there.
Yeah.
Bye-bye, Johnny Dang.
Every rapper sings about Johnny Dang.
Yep.
And he's that Vietnamese gateway to the, uh...
Gateway to the ice game.
Yeah.
He's like, what, you need more ice on you?
You don't have no more.
You don't have enough.
Look at how much ice he's holding there.
Oh, he's iced out.
Yeah.
These are all diamond, everything for you.
He's so tiny, too.
Oh, yeah, look at him.
And, you know, they grow him for the show when they do recordings.
Oh, he's a little boba drink.
Yeah, they stretch him out.
He could sip right out of his little ass, bro.
Look at him with that girl in that Vice article up there.
He could fit inside of her tits.
Oh.
He's a nice little sliver of a man.
Oh, beautiful.
Look at the look in his eyes, too.
The excitement.
He's so happy about life.
Yeah, he feels good about life.
Yeah.
These guys have beautiful stories.
I'm always impressed by this kind of stuff.
Oh, yeah.
They make it from zero, you know, like builds his own empire.
We're talking zero.
Like, dude, I remember when I was on, when I went on semester at sea.
So it was like a school, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a campus on a cruise ship kind of.
Yeah, yeah.
So I remember we were coming into port in the morning.
We would get into like the different port cities because you kind of go to
different cities
around the globe, right?
Right.
So we'd get into port cities.
I remember being up in the morning was the biggest thing if you could be up at
like 5 a.m.
as you come into the port of a new country you've never been to, right?
Right.
Pretty crazy.
Yeah, that's wild.
And I remember getting into Vietnam and like passing fishing boats like in a, I
mean, we're
in like a cruise ship, you know, and passing fishing boats like little guy, hat,
you know,
like a mouthful of melon, like he would fill his mouth with melon in the
morning and then
just only swallow a little bit throughout the day.
Like that was his lunch.
Kind of like one of those little drip bottles for a hamster but built into him.
And then, and he would just be out there just fishing, man, and a cruise ship,
it was almost
like just two time zones passing each other like.
Oh, yeah.
Just, and it would just be so bizarre, like the wake of this cruise ship just
going and
Rocking his boat.
Yeah, lifting these little bitty skiffs that they were out there.
And that's his entire living.
Yeah.
Is sitting out there doing fishing in the morning and you guys, meanwhile, are
showing
up just to party.
Yeah, up all night.
Just partying all night.
Doing bootleg cocaine that we bought in some country that we made.
How bad is bootleg cocaine?
Oh, some guy was making cocaine, I remember.
Was it good?
Here's what I would say.
It didn't damage you.
Yeah, it wasn't going to hurt you.
Yeah, so you could do as much as you wanted.
You weren't going to get high, but you weren't going to, you weren't going to
get hurt.
Your heart wasn't going to stop.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See, that's the opposite with like bad weed.
Bad weed makes you feel sick, right?
And you're, you're going to get a headache and your stomach kind of turns and
you feel
gross.
It's like bad weed is bad.
Bad coke is just not real.
Yeah.
It's just bummer coke.
Yeah, that's what it was, just not real coke, but somebody made it, man.
This guy had this whole little deal going on and he was making it, man.
So that was cool just to get some.
It was, even if it d