Name: When Flavor Hits | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #291
Uploaded: 2020-08-10T14:45:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'When Flavor Hits | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #291' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'When Flavor Hits | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #291' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-10. Transcript available.

When Flavor Hits | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #291

Yeah, when I was young, it, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't there.
I mean, I remember when Butterscotch first hit the scene and they didn't, it
just, people, people were shocked.
You know, people, they didn't know what to do.
I remember, you know, people covering their children's eyes and, you know,
people just hanging garlic on their door.
And the people, it just, because it had never been, you know, this is back when
they only had a certain amount of flavors in existence.
You know, they had strawberry, they had vanilla, they had chocolate.
Those are easy, that's basic.
That's your natural three.
You know, and then somebody come along with a mint.
Somebody come along with a banana.
And, you know, when then the flavor, the flavor, the palate, you know, the
flavor rainbow was getting thicker.
And then somebody added in, I don't even know what they added in at that point,
peanut butter, bacon, you know, raspberry.
Some asshole said, hey, what about raspberry?
And people said, oh, all right, dang it.
And things was getting wild.
And then I remember butterscotch hit.
And I remember where I was, man.
I was in second grade and I was in math class and I didn't know what was going
on.
You know, they were talking about, you know, addition and subtraction.
And I just, I mean, my world was just starting to damn fall apart.
And somebody handed me one of them, one of them BS's baby, just wrapped up in a
beautiful little cellophane skirt.
You notice it in a little damn plastic straitjacket just sealed off at both
ends.
And I opened that bastard up and I put it in my mouth and I just, it was like
somebody had just, I mean, it was butter and scotch, you know, it just, people
didn't know.
It did, you, you, nobody done anything like this.
You know, maybe you'd seen it written on a toilet wall or something, you know,
Larry loves butter and Larry loves scotch.
But you'd never see Larry loves butter, scotch, you wouldn't see, it just, it
just, and then it hit the scene and it was, you know, all the fatties, all the
thicky thicks out there wanted that butter.
And all the drunken drips out there wanted that scotch.
And you'd see people fist fighting for him.
You know, you'd see people just beating their damn stepdaddies with a freaking,
you know, just beat, you'd see somebody beating somebody else with a damn bike
chain.
For a damn Werther's, you know.
It was just, it was a different time, baby.
It was a different time, man.
God is good, brother.
Let's get into it, gang.
Let me holler at you, come on, step outside.
You got ten dollars, don't you, then we gon' ride.
Let me holler at you, step outside.
Bumpin' the drunk out the drunk.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Ready to better dance floors.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Now we're cookin' with gas on the front burner.
Hot wind gas station down on the corner.
Cookin' with gas on the front burner.
Come on.
Bumpin' the drunk out the drunk.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Let's eat on dirty dance floors.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hitter.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hitter.
Damn, that right there is the North Mississippi All-Stars
and a beautiful conglomerate of sound and emotion there
called Drunk Outdoors.
And that is off their album Up and Rolling.
And they included that.
They were thinking about us when they put this hit together.
And I was in a bathroom this weekend
and I saw a poster for them on the wall
as I was holding my penis and urinating.
And that's beautiful, man.
Good to be here with you.
And it is another week we start
just tumbling down the hill,
just rattling along the road.
You know, we are that tumbleweed.
Heavy on the tumble, baby.
Heavy on the weed as well.
And we just keep riding this dirty breeze
that is this disease, man,
that's doing whatever.
You know, it's out there lung chasing these senior citizens.
I mean, you know,
a lot of seniors are locked up right now.
You won't see them
as it should be.
But yeah, where were you when a flavor hit?
Do you remember?
Do you remember where you were
when you first learned about a flavor?
Because I remember that butterscotch, baby.
That thing came across the aisle.
It had been, you know,
probably smuggled into, who knows,
into the country,
probably from the Midwest.
You know, smuggled into the country
but already in the country,
you know, kind of deal.
And it had probably been
in six, seven children's hands
at school before it hit my hand.
And I opened that beautiful
little brown bitch up,
that little mixed mofo.
You know, and I'd never had anything brown
in my mouth, son.
You know, I was young, you know,
and I hit, you know,
and I put that thing
and I just didn't,
it was just when you first had a,
when you first had a taste
of something new.
You didn't know things
could exist, man.
And I'll be, I mean,
every now and then still,
I got to pull my damn car over
if I think too much
about a Werther's Originals.
If I think too much
about a, you know,
a unique type of caramel candy,
I got to pull a damn car over.
You know, take a break.
You know, maybe listen
to a little Jeff Buckley
or something.
I got to pull the car over
and relax.
Now, man, you know,
I miss, sometimes I miss
the innovation
of being young,
of being new in the world
because everything you saw
was new.
you saw somebody,
you know,
maybe you saw two homeless people,
you know,
one of them ripping
and the other one's tooth out,
out by the donut shop,
doing bootleg dental.
But it was beautiful.
It was new.
You know,
maybe you see a man
hugging somebody
and his family
too hard.
But, you know,
you hadn't,
you'd never seen it like that.
It was new.
You know,
you just,
things were different.
You just,
there was,
I like the novelty
of being youthful
and of just,
of nouveau,
of things being exciting.
There's something beautiful
about that.
of somebody hitting you
with that,
with a new taste.
Here's a spare rib
and you're like,
well,
what is this?
Is it,
you know,
I thought it was
from the dang Bible
when I read it on the menu.
I said,
well,
damn,
is it,
you know,
is,
does the,
does the church
run this place?
And my mom say,
no,
this,
this damn ground
Patty Jr.
This ain't,
the church
has nothing to do
with this joint.
You know,
just ignorance
and,
and,
and dining.
That's when it all merged.
What's going on?
I've just,
just,
I got back from Nashville.
I had a nice time.
Some people say Nashville.
Some people say Nashville.
And people that say Nashville
are obviously
out of their damn tongues,
brother.
You know that.
But I had a nice time
and I went out there
to Percy Priest
Lake.
Camping lake area.
Kind of place
you can go missing easy.
That kind of joint.
Went out there swimming.
Just,
you know,
I wanted to get in
that local water.
I want,
I like,
I like to,
you know,
I want to,
that's the kind of place
will cure your jacket,
you know.
That kind of thing.
You know,
you dip locally,
bro.
You,
dude,
you won't scratch,
man.
Because every,
uh,
June and July,
I really come along
that southern,
you know,
that summer,
I got that summer
scratch going.
And one half of the
inside of my,
you know,
near my body,
near my,
you know,
near my little,
my little life bag,
my little hot sack there.
You know,
near my little,
them jolly raunchers,
you know,
near my nuts.
And I get jock itch around them.
And there's no shame in it.
You know,
I told the man about the church.
I remember when I was probably 24,
I told this man,
I was in South Carolina
and I went in there
to the little booth
or whatever,
the photo booth
or whatever,
wherever you tell the man,
the stuff you've been doing
that's wrong.
And I said,
damn baby boy,
you know,
I didn't say it just like that,
but I said,
you know,
DBB,
you know,
your honor.
I said,
I've been,
I've been having,
you know,
jock itch.
You know what I'm saying?
I've been scratching right around
the old devil's appendix,
man,
my nuts.
And,
man,
I think,
honestly,
I think the guy wanted to see
my damn nuts,
dude.
It was,
I mean,
you know,
some of these,
you know,
some of these churches,
when you get really,
when you stop by in the daytime,
that's when the real shady stuff
can happen.
But,
but yeah,
I had a beautiful time in Nashville,
man.
You know,
went swimming out there
at Percy Priest State Park.
I walk up
and some lady just sitting in a,
uh,
little folding chair
just yelling at all.
Some lady yelling at some kid
named Audrey.
Audrey!
Audrey!
And there was a little breeze.
I don't think the woman could tell
there was a breeze coming in
off the lake,
head right at,
just pointing right at her mouth.
So all her words
were not going very far.
And this lady
must have yelled Audrey
200 times.
Audrey!
Audrey!
Audrey!
Get out,
Audrey!
And little Audrey,
brother,
look,
I ain't saying she gonna,
you know,
live a wild life,
but this little bitch
didn't give a dang,
bruh.
Little Audrey didn't give a
S-H-I-T,
baby boy.
Audrey!
Get over,
Audrey!
And this little smokestack,
this little lady,
she was puffing on it,
you know,
she was,
you know,
just locomotiving
on the back end
of that Winston,
baby,
just hitting that sucker hard.
And,
uh,
and it was nice,
man.
I had a nice time over there.
Met this white guy,
stopped by.
And he let me drive a nice,
he had a real cool truck,
old truck.
This thing got,
it kind of made,
it's not really painted,
but it's almost like
they just rub the rust
right on the sides of it
and it just,
you know,
kind of thing,
you got to get a tetanus shot
if you want to switch
into third gear,
you know,
one of those old trucks.
Um,
and yeah,
just enjoyed myself,
man,
really enjoyed myself.
Um,
what else did I do?
Oh man.
Oh,
this was the worst,
dude.
I hit a,
uh,
you know,
I hit a dog with my car.
At night,
I hit an animal,
you know,
a little animal,
you know,
a fast little animal,
a dog.
You've seen,
you know,
a dog and,
um,
and that,
dude,
I'm driving,
right?
and I'm not under the influence
of anything except being a little
too emotional,
bro.
And,
you know,
being maybe a little bit of a bitch
sometimes.
And,
you know,
I can't find my retainer,
haven't been able to find it for about a month.
So that's the only things I'm really under the influence of.
And,
um,
and this dog,
this white dog comes running.
I mean,
galloping,
really.
I mean,
it almost looked like a real fast little pony.
You know,
real just,
you know,
just like a damn,
like America's fastest little pony.
Like one,
almost like one of them little Japanese animals you see on the Instagram
when they giving them pills over there in Japan and getting them doped up.
And a little,
you know,
they got a little cat or a little tiger,
little bichon or something,
got his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
And they got to squeeze his neck real hard to get his eyes open.
You know,
and they say he's a,
you know,
oh,
he's a miracle animal or something.
You know,
oh,
he's a,
you know,
everybody loves him.
Yeah,
but he don't have any feeling in his body.
You know what I'm saying?
That little thing is,
you know,
he's on so many somas,
you know,
he's on so many percocets,
this little damn animal,
little Mickey or whatever his name was,
little NJ or whatever they call him.
But anyway,
sorry.
So this dog comes just,
just running.
And then I slam on the brakes and it was up.
They had like a greyhound station over there and I couldn't see at first.
I mean,
the dog was,
it was in front of my car and I hit,
you know,
and I hit it,
man.
I didn't hit it,
but I hit,
I slammed on my brakes.
I didn't feel anything.
I didn't feel a thump or a hit or,
or anything,
man.
And I just was frozen in my car.
And then two people came running up,
you know,
this one guy kind of a kind of chocolatey kind of guy.
And then this other lady,
more of a Rubenesque kind of white lady,
you know,
kind of lady look like,
you know,
I don't,
and she didn't have a lot of teeth.
I will say that I'm not judging her.
You know,
you don't need teeth.
A lot of people,
teeth is overrated.
You know,
teeth is s