Name: Back to Our Roots | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #293
Uploaded: 2020-08-24T12:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Back to Our Roots | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #293' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Back to Our Roots | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #293' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-24. Transcript available.

Back to Our Roots | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #293

Man, Mexican people work hard as hell, man.
I gotta be honest with you.
No complaining, just work hard.
I mean, just...
Dude, I went to a funeral of a Mexican guy.
He climbed out of the casket, dug his own grave hole,
and then got back in the casket, man.
I mean, just no complaining, grind, grind, get the job done, man.
I'll be honest.
I'm not saying other people don't, but...
If I have...
If I gotta do something...
For example, I need to build a picnic table or a...
You know, an edible seating structure.
You know, table.
And I got...
I got nine people to help me do it.
If six out of the nine people are Mexican, bruh...
Andele, Papa.
We getting it done.
I'm telling you that, dude.
I'm telling you that.
We gonna be eating lunch early as a group.
Yeah, because that table's gonna be...
Afini, baby.
Finished.
I just wanted...
I just...
You know, that's been on my heart.
It's been on my heart
that...
Mexican people just...
Dang.
You know, it's just...
I mean, it's inspiring when I see it.
Just the...
You know, I see...
Look, I saw a Mexican guy cut down a tree,
make it into wood,
bars...
Bars of wood.
And then use the wood to make a...
He built a damn tree with it.
I mean, that's how...
They just...
It's non-stop, man.
And es...
Inspira...
Inspiracional.
Papa.
Man, I'm so excited to be here today.
And I'm so excited that I'm not alone.
That you're here with me.
We got a special episode.
Let's get into it.
Yep.
You think I won't play it again, baby?
I'll play it again, baby.
Shine.
I'm just sitting on your front porch
wondering how could I be so far from my home.
Mm-hmm.
And my mind is somewhere else,
but when I find it,
I'll patch up where it's been gone.
Now we got it.
Come on.
Come on.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze,
and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground,
I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake
and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
Let's go.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Oh, yeah.
Shine on me.
This will make it grab you nuts.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
Ooh.
Man, that song, that's one of those.
You know, that song honestly made me grab my nuts a little.
Man.
And I squeeze them when I grab them.
I'll be honest with you.
I don't want to lie about this.
That song made me grab my bag, baby,
and just,
and just put a little, dang,
elbow, just,
make them,
make those,
make that,
make those fellas whistle, bruh.
I'll squeeze that bag.
You can hear one of your nuts go.
And your nut,
dude, when you nut,
you gotta think about that.
When you squeeze your nuts,
they get,
they don't know what's up.
One of them's like,
and you always got that one scared nut.
He kind of hides in the back like,
oh,
oh,
oh,
oh,
oh,
yeah.
Dad's coming.
Oh,
yeah.
And the one just stays up there,
and he's kind of brave,
but he still feels that squeegee.
But that's that bag grabber,
baby,
right there.
That's Bishop Gunn
with Shine.
And I'm happy to be here today with you,
and I really am.
You know,
I'm just feeling,
damn.
never ends that email.
It never ends.
And that's one of my damn pet peeves,
bro,
besides pets,
is just miscellaneous emails.
You know what I'm saying?
It's nighttime, right?
Who's sending me something?
Remember Best Buy used to send those emails
at like 12 p.m.
Oh,
you need a new seven-disc changer.
Stop on in.
Who needs this first-generation iPod?
You can do it.
It runs on your pulse.
As long as you're alive,
you can listen to some damn
goo-goo dolls.
What?
What?
And it's midnight.
You trying to finish a school paper
or finish a,
you know,
doing a contract or something,
a business,
you know,
document,
a damn X file
or whatever it's called.
But Best Buy would be right on time
with that email
at midnight.
Ding!
Hey,
you don't,
you need an oven.
Don't you and Melanie
need an oven?
Bitch,
it's fucking mid.
We ate four hours ago
and y'all emailing me
about these convention ovens,
man.
Just,
that's the problem with email.
It's like somebody knocking on your door
that doesn't own a watch.
And don't know
how the sun work.
Hey!
No.
That's what I'm saying,
no.
I,
yeah,
I'm just saying that
some songs
that make you squeeze
your body like that.
And the reason they do it
is because
you're trying to,
if a man,
I'll say,
I'm going to say this correctly.
if a man
squeezes himself
on his nuts,
he's,
it's almost like I'm saying,
hey man,
I want to put a little more life
into the world.
Because you're trying to,
you're just like,
something makes you,
brings you so much joy,
I just want to,
you know,
I want to get as much,
I just want to squeeze
a little more
into the,
I want more life
to hear this.
You know,
I want everything
in my bag
to come to the top,
top of me to,
I want all the
hidden little
siemens inside of me
and seeds
and little,
you know,
birth hopefuls
to swim out
to the front
of my skin
and just absorb
whatever I'm absorbing.
I want them to feel,
I want them to hear
the music.
I want to hear
one of them little,
you know,
a little semen
or something,
a little,
whatever they're called,
little,
one of them little
nut parakeets,
you know,
one of them little
slippery heroes.
I want them to just,
I want to just see
his little,
him putting his little
ear or whatever
up to the dang edge
of my stomach
on the inside
and hearing the,
I want them to be
out there.
That's what I'm saying,
hey,
wake up,
fellas.
Get out here
and listen
to what I'm enjoying.
Oh,
but I'm glad
to be here
with you today.
I hope you're having
a wonderful day here.
It's the beginning
of September
and this,
you know,
man,
I'll say this,
this was the first week
I started to feel
like I was pretending
with the pandemic.
anybody else feel
that?
Yeah,
like I just,
I started to feel
like I was,
like I have this mask,
I'll wear it
and I do the mask,
I'll wear it.
You know?
But I started to feel
like,
it started to feel
real Truman showy
to me.
I just had this moment.
I was like,
is this,
what's going on?
It just felt
like I'm pretending.
I don't know if anybody
else had that feeling
and I don't know
everything of what it is,
you know?
I just felt like,
am I,
I don't know.
You know,
when you pretend something,
you feel like you're
pretending something.
If you pretend to be
a wolf,
you know,
then you,
you might do some
things,
you might piss on the
floor or whatever,
you know,
eat out of a little
dish or something.
If you're real young,
if you like a little,
but if you were like
a young wolf
or whatever you're
pretending,
you know,
but if,
but you're just
pretending,
but you know you're
pretending.
Oh,
I'm pretending to be
a wolf right now.
I'm crawling on four
legs and I'm,
you know,
mom's not home
and I'm peeing over
here behind this
little,
you know,
shiffer robe that
she keeps a dictionary
on,
but,
so I don't know.
I just had this
feeling the other
day,
like,
am I pretending?
That this is all
real?
It was interesting.
Just had that
feeling.
But,
you know,
I wanted to think
about,
I wanted to think
about,
you know,
we send in,
we send a lot of
people to space
and they just sent
two fellas to space
to,
I think white guys
probably,
I don't know.
You know how
America is these days
say we got to get
rid of these white
dudes,
right?
They don't send
us anywhere,
but they just
sent two white,
they sent two guys
from Florida
into space
and that right
there is just,
you know,
I don't understand
why are we going
to space all the
time?
We can't handle,
we can't handle
shit here.
You know,
two out of,
two out of
seven Americans
can't swim
and we out there
getting in the deep
end of the,
of the galaxy
with no floaties
on,
bro.
You see what
they send these
dudes out there
in?
This thing like a
damn 84,
uh,
Chevy Blazer
sometimes a bit,
the thing they send
these dudes out
there.
You know,
and it,
I just don't
understand what
we're doing.
It's so lit,
like I'm not
saying it's not
fun to think
about what's
out there,
but I just,
all of them,
I just sending
people to space.
We send two
dudes out of
Florida,
a couple spring
break addicts
every time.
Down here in
Florida,
we blasting two
bad boys out
there.
It's like,
come on,
going to space,
the moon,
that's the thing.
Oh,
we want,
we had a couple
fellas on the
moon.
Dude,
being on the
moon is kind
of like that
guy that gets
on your,
like at a pool
party who gets
up on the roof
of the house.
He's like,
I'm going to
look at me.
Bruh,
you ain't doing
much up there,
buddy.
There ain't
nothing up there
for you,
man.
And it seems
like a cool idea.
He's climbing up,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Then he gets
up there,
it's like,
man,
there's no
vending machines.
There's only the
opportunity for
real failure.
You know,
there's only,
you're going to
end up in the
white section of
world star hip hop
videos,
daddy.
I'm just saying,
man,
it's time to get
back to the
roots.
We got to focus
on our own little
space that's going
on here.
That's what I need
to do.
I know that,
man,
I got to focus
more on my own.
I'm out here
doing all of
this.
Well,
you know,
letting my thoughts
go off to Mars
and do this and
that.
And that's
good.
It's fun.
But man,
I need to,
I want to get
back to the
roots.
And that's what
I wanted to do
today,
man,
with this
episode.
You know,
when the podcast
started out,
we used to
really do some
stuff for
single moms.
And I know a
lot of listeners
are raised by
single moms and
stuff out there.
And that's always
had a big place
in my heart.
And a lot of
your hearts as
well.
So,
you know,
today we
wanted to reach
out to some
of the single
moms that we've
met over the
years of being
a part of this
past weekend and
touch in with
them and see
what's going on
in their lives.
You know,
this is a busy
time in their
lives.
They got
children going
back to
school.
You know,
they got,
you know,
they're sitting
here during,
they got a
damn,
you know,
they got the
disease in the
air or
wherever.
And so it's
a good chance
to be able to
check in with
these beautiful
ladies.
So let's get
into that now.
Right now,
let's get into
it.
We got a
Zoom,
actually.
This is going
to be live.
We got a
Zoom coming
in here with
Breezy from
Utah.
And let's
see if we can
get her on
here.
and we
went to
an escape
room over
there.
Man,
and I'm
so thankful
that,
I'm thankful
that we're
getting to do
this today.
I really
am.
I really
am.
You know,
during a lot
of this
pandemic,
I just,
man,
I got
scared.
You know,
I got really
scared about
my own
business.
I just
worked so
hard to
get to be
in a space
with comedy
where I
could really
survive and
make a
living.
And then
this happened
and so I
started to
get real
scared.
And honestly,
man,
I got real
angry a lot
of times.
And
just
didn't
make me
feel good.
And it's
hard for me
to make
other people
feel good
when I'm
in a
place of
just
anger.
You know,
and especially
a lot
happens in
society,
on the
news and
stuff,
it makes
you,
it feeds
into that.
Oh,
here's a
reason to
be angry.
Here's a
reason to
be angry.
But I
don't want
to be
that.
I just
don't want
to be
it.
you know,
got me
getting angry
at people
that I
care about,
just angry
at,
just,
I don't
know.
It's not
worth it.
So here we
got a beautiful
lady right
here.
Hey,
Breezy,
can you
hear me?
What's
going on?
How are
you?
Oh,
I'm really,
I'm really
good.
How are
you doing?
I'm doing
pretty well.
You look
lovely today.
Thank you.
We're
getting,
I'm getting
ready to
take the
kids to
a movie.
Oh,
okay,
at a
movie theater?
Yes,
they're only
playing older
movies.
We're going
to go see
the original
Back to
the Future.
Ooh,
that'd be
nice for
them,
huh?
That's,
yeah,
one of my
favorites.
Show them
what it was
like back
in the day
when a man
had to
wear a
puffy
vest and
still look
like a
decent
man,
you know?
Yes.
What's
been going
on?
So you
are,
you guys
have been
during this
pandemic.
How's it
been?
Because you
have three
children,
right?
I have
three.
My son
just left
today.
He's moving
to Wyoming
to finish
his senior
year with
his best
friends,
with his
dad.