Name: Nashville | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #295
Uploaded: 2020-09-08T08:32:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nashville | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #295' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nashville | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #295' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-08. Transcript available.

Nashville | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #295

Maybe it's some type of skin or something, an animal skin.
So audio's going?
Yep, audio's going.
Alright.
We're all good, okay.
And this is going to be the first one here from the Central East out here in
Nashville.
From that Central East location, good to be here.
On the back end today, I got a local sidekick, this fellow Riley.
Riley Mao.
And you're of age, right?
I am.
Okay, beautiful man.
Alright, let's get into the episode.
Oh no, I'm having me a Diet Coke.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my
home.
And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's
been wrong.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm floating like these leaves.
Come on, here we go.
Let's go, baby.
It's life.
It's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let
myself on my eye.
Shine that light on me.
There you go.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
And that's it right there.
The shine right there.
And you know it because it's the same one every time.
You know, it's almost like a ghost.
You know, it's there.
You know, a lot of people don't want to admit about ghosts.
You know, these days, people are too busy for ghosts.
You see it a lot.
You see they're on the go.
You know, people laying there at night and they're just, you know, they're just,
you know, they're busy.
They're on their phones.
They're looking at an app or something.
Looking at a damn whatever.
Fox Hunter or whatever that.
Robin Hood.
The app that's really got all these, you know, millennials out here taking
their own lives and investing in damn Amazon or whatever.
Teslas.
You know, Soundcrack or whatever the damn, whatever that stock is they're on.
But, yeah, people are busy.
Too busy for ghosts.
And you can feel it.
If you really think about it, you can feel the ghosts starting to back up in
the ether.
You can feel them, man.
And that's when I get nervous.
Because when I was young, you'd see a ghost.
You'd hear a ghost.
What is that?
That's a damn ghost over there.
You know, it was easy.
Something, you know, it happened outside.
It happened inside.
What is it?
It's a ghost.
But now people are too busy for ghosts.
And what is the repercussions of that?
Is what I'm wondering.
When the dark side, when the, you know, when the ghost, you know, the ghost
vestibule or whatever, wherever ghosts are.
Whenever that damn just gets too backed up because nobody's seeing them.
Because I'd be pit, man.
If I'm a ghost and you used to get all, you had all this clout.
And now you're at a, you know, there's a children's sleepover and they don't
give a damn.
They don't give a damn.
They're doing the, you know, virtual hula hooping or whatever.
Or tick tocking or doing, you know, BLM, the board game.
You know, it's just different times.
But anyway, man, shout out ghosts.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
I'm over here today in, I am in Nashville.
Out of the Central East.
This is the Central East studio.
It's coming along.
I'll say that.
This thing is coming along, man.
It, and you can see it on the YouTube.
It's, you know, I got here about five days ago.
Got a painter in.
Found an old man to paint.
And he had a little sidekick with him.
And that fellow was using drugs, I think.
But not on premises.
And I respect that.
And nah.
And I guess the right amount of drugs.
That's what you want.
You want painters.
You want contractors to be using appropriate amounts of drugs.
Because you get a guy who's got, you know, he's too sped up.
And next thing you know, he's painted, you know, he's got your bathroom.
He's got a flat enamel in your bathroom.
But he's also fucking, you know, he's added a demi-gloss or something to your
damn, you know, to your Toyota Tundra.
And he's got half of that, you know, he's spackled all the doors shut.
Because he's gassed up on too much dust.
But you get a man who's just even-steven on the right amount of drugs.
And he'll damn paint a one-bedroom.
And that's what we had here.
So, getting into Nashville.
I'm sitting here.
If you're on the YouTube, I got a silent assassin here with me today.
Or semi-silent.
And this is a young fellow named Riley Mao.
And what is Riley short for, bud?
Riley.
Riley.
Okay, man.
Okay.
So, nothing.
See, back in the old days, you'd have a longer name, you know?
Rolando.
You would be, you know, Rolando or, you know, LeRiley or something longer.
And Riley would be short for something.
Right.
Nope.
I'm just Riley.
Okay.
All right.
Beautiful, man.
And you are, I don't want to say you are from originally California.
Correct.
But by way of Japan and Hawaii.
I guess so, yeah.
Okay.
I guess my, yeah, my grand, my grandparents, correct.
Beautiful, man.
Yeah, them beautiful.
Jay Haas, baby.
I love Hawaii.
What island?
I like Maui.
I like Oahu.
I don't like that.
You know, I haven't been to the big one.
I haven't been to, what is it?
The big one.
The big island.
Yeah, it's just called the big island.
Oh, damn, yeah.
See, I don't even have a name.
Dude, I'm not going.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm the kind of guy, you name it, I'll show up.
Oh, yeah.
But if it's nameless, man, I'm not, you know.
Right.
I'm not milling around at that.
But we got Riley here off the internet and just happy to have some assistance
here in Nashville,
man.
Thank you.
Great to be here.
Yeah, thank you very much, brother.
What's been going on?
Let me think about this, man.
So, yeah, I got here to Nashville.
I want to let people know what's going on.
A lot of rumor mills.
Oh, Theo knocked a woman up.
You know, Theo's got to, you know, he's adopting.
They're doing foster children out there.
Rumors.
That's rumors.
You know, rumors are just damn, you know, it's not real information.
It's just bullshit that somebody made up when they were high or something like
that.
But the real, the truth is that I'm here and that we're just trying it out.
We got the Central East studio sprouting.
Okay.
We're bringing in, we're doing unique stuff.
We got people of color.
Okay.
We got Riley Mao in here.
We got guests that are going to come on that are unique.
We're trying to, you know, change the vibe a little and expound.
People say, well, Nashville, what about, well, because it's very, I'll tell you
where Nashville
is three hours from Cincinnati, four hours from Columbus, two hours from Huntsville,
Alabama,
which is kind of almost unfortunate, but 27 hours from Cape Town.
If you stop in Amsterdam and Qatar.
So it's definitely, it's, you know, we're trying something out.
That's it.
We're trying something out.
There's no other information.
There's no wedding bells.
There's nothing like that.
And if I felt welcome here, that's what I've been asking myself, really.
A couple new things.
A couple new things.
One, I tried the MMA.
So I tried it, man.
And it's basically, it's like full contact DMT, man.
That stuff, MMA is a real thing.
And a lot of you guys know I've been, you know, I've been trying it out and
having different
experiences and, you know, just being a fan.
You know, I've been fortunate enough to meet a lot of MMA guys and do that kind
of deal.
And so now I'm like just trying to check it out.
I went in there and I got, well, they made me fight the women, which is fine.
You know, and I don't like to call them women, but they seem like women.
I'll say that.
Beautiful ladies.
And they whooped me, man.
And they were strawweight.
One of them was strawweight.
And I guess I'm strawweight.
And I'm scarecrow straw, I think.
That's the kind of straw that's in me.
But I got in there.
I was over at Nashville MMA.
I hit up Mike Chandler.
And he got me squared away over there.
And it was fun, man.
And it was, you know, you get in there and you get in the outfit.
You get into the gi and you're just, you know, it's very, I mean, you feel like
you could beat anybody in Antifa or any of these proud boys.
You could whip any of their butts.
You get in there.
You just kind of, your arms are your weapons, your legs, your feet.
And, yeah, I mean, I had to fight the women.
And, you know, it was definitely, there was definitely that moment where it was
like, okay, I'm excited.
I'm keyed up.
I'm in here.
And then they're like, okay, you know, Barbara's going to, you know, Barbara's
going to put you in a leg lock or somebody.
You know, when I was young, if you wanted to know a woman, you had to go, you
know, you had to look in her window, you had to lurk, you had to be.
Now there's more stalkers.
Everybody's a stalker.
If you go meet somebody in person, you drive past their house or you park in
their, you know, in their driveway and have a smoothie or whatever.
You're a criminal.
When I was young, that was flirting kind of.
You'd drive over there and sit outside, say, hey, you know.
Yeah, they were startled, but it was, it was a little more of that primal kind
of like, have you ever seen that animal on the nature channel that makes its
feathers real big so the other birds will come by?
It was like that.
It was like that.
So, what else happened to me?
Oh, I've already run into some issues here locally.
I will say this, at the parks here, I took a little bit of bread out there.
You know, I took some biscuit out there to the lake to feed to some ducks.
And you know me, man, if I'm in a new area, I like to get acclimated with the
animals, bro.
I'll pet an animal, you know.
I'll pick a snail up and walk three or four feet and set him down.
You know, save him fucking five days of travel.
That's who I am.
You know, I'll pet a dog.
I'll whistle at a falcon.
I'll fucking, you know, I go out and feed a duck.
I see a duck.
I feed a duck.
And I give a duck bread, right?
But I give him biscuit.
I had breakfast.
They had half a biscuit left.
You know, I'm watching my figure since I'm doing MMA now.
I'm strawweight.
I'm currently female strawweight.
And, uh, and so next thing you know, I'm feeding biscuit, man.
And these ducks are fired up.
Uh, these ducks are really keyed up.
You could see ducks in the distance looking.
You could see ducks that haven't even been born yet.
You could see a duck peek out of the egg.
You know, just hearing that there's a kind of a new boss man in town.
You know, a new fucking yeast Santa.
You know, I'm out there delivering goods.
So, I'm feeding.
I'm got, you know, I got half of a nice biscuit.
And this is an expensive biscuit.
It's probably a two and a half dollar biscuit.
So, we're looking at a dollar twenty-five worth of biscuit bread.
I'm out there feeding these bastards over there.
Perennial Lake or whatever it's called.
Perennium Lake.
By the vestibule or something.
So, anyway, I'm feeding them.
Next thing you know, I start getting, I put on my Instagram story, I start
getting DMs.
People angry.
You can't give them bread.
You can't give them bread, you know.
They'll die.
You know, they'll, oh, this is what they said.
Oh, if you give them bread, they get too jacked up on energy and they will rape
each other.
Look, man.
I'm not doing all of that.
I took a half a biscuit and went out there to treat these animals.
To get acclimated to the area.
If somebody else, if they're doing all of it, you know.
I'm not doing part of sexual abuse for animals.
I'm not doing any of this.
If they don't want bread, they shouldn't come eat it.
That's not on me.
People attacking me.
You're going to hell.
Bread boy.
And then sending me two, uh, caskets and a picture of a duck.
Emojis, man.
That's mother nature, man.
If there's a glitch in her pattern, they will, she will work it out.
And these ducks look like they wanted the bread.
That's the thing.
You know, it's like, oh, they can't digest it.
They will rape each other.
Well, look, man, I'm not, I didn't come to town to be part of that.
You know, I'm not doing no sex traffic and I'm not doing that kind of stuff.
I'm not doing, you know, I came here.
I just, you know, I'm trying to get acclimated to the area.
You know, when I was a child, ducks would eat bread.
Have