Name: Bobby's Belated Birthday Party - Bobby Lee 4 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #297
Uploaded: 2020-09-22T17:06:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby's Belated Birthday Party - Bobby Lee 4 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #297' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby's Belated Birthday Party - Bobby Lee 4 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #297' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-22. Transcript available.

Bobby's Belated Birthday Party - Bobby Lee 4 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #297

And then you hear rumors.
Theo was on PCP in Nashville.
He ran through a wall.
Right?
You're like, what?
And so then you hear these stories.
I installed PVC pipe in a wall.
That's actually what happened.
So that's crazy.
That's just how it translates.
I can let myself on my eyes shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
I don't need to be, and I will find a song.
I'll be singing just for now.
You don't do it?
No, all right.
Your attitude's weird.
He's passive-aggressive.
Happy to have you.
Yeah, I'm happy to have you, too.
But it's like, you know, I just asked for some earphones.
I'm on a podcast, but it's OK.
Like, that sounded believable, man.
You got a tan going or what?
Dude, I was at the beach yesterday, man.
Oh, you go to the beach?
Huh?
Yeah.
That's exciting.
Do you guys get out there much?
No, man.
I've been to the beach before in my life.
I'm a beach guy, dude.
I grew up in San Diego, bro.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean you're a beach guy.
Like, do you go to the beach a lot?
Dude, look at this.
Hang loose, bro.
Yeah, but I've never seen pictures of you at the beach before.
I know, because I don't have a beach body, bro.
Yeah, you do.
No, no, no.
I look like baby whale shit.
Yeah, but that's OK.
That's what my body's shaped like baby whale shit.
There's some dope urchins and stuff out there.
You know, pull up a picture of an urchin if you don't mind, Nick.
Because I don't know what it is, and I don't want to be offensive to you.
Look at that, Bobby.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
That's definitely you.
One time I saw you, I was in the water, in the ocean.
I thought I saw Eric Griffin.
Yeah?
But it was a blobfish.
Ooh, I can see that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it was complaining about something?
It was complaining about something.
It had the glasses and everything, dude.
What's going on?
Are we haven't started yet?
Yeah, we started, I guess.
This is how you do it.
This is your Bob Day party, man.
Oh, shit, I didn't even realize you even did that, bro.
Oh, fuck, I feel so fucking grateful, I think.
I think that's the word to use, man.
Thank you so much.
You put Bob up here like this, and then it's some happy birthday shit.
You got our Vons.
We got it somewhere.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, a safe way or whatever, you know?
It's not homemade.
What?
It's not homemade.
Yeah, yeah, I'm used to homemade birthday stuff, but, you know.
Dude, are you feeling, have you started to feel, I've been starting to feel
older, man.
Bro, let me tell you something right now, dude.
Yeah?
My penis?
Mm-hmm.
That's how you know.
My penis, dude, it don't work correctly.
Really?
Like, how does it work?
Like, if it, like if, when I pee, I have to concentrate.
Like, I have to focus.
Isn't that like a martial art or something?
Isn't that like a?
No, no, no, no, no.
I have to, what do you mean?
You don't get, like, a white belt with it.
No, but I feel like if you concentrate hard enough, you can almost, that's peeing.
Yeah, yeah.
You can't just pee.
I know, but before you would just go, I'm going to pee, and it was just like a
natural thing.
Oh, yeah.
Right?
It's like breathing.
You just naturally do it.
Yeah.
But sometimes, like last night, I had to go, I know I have to pee, but it's
clogged up.
Maybe it was cum.
Ooh.
Maybe it's clogged up with cum, but it's like, you already, I heard you the
first time you
said it.
I know.
Because I had jerked off, you know how I jerked off before that?
And it didn't come out?
But you still felt it go?
No, the cane came out.
Oh.
Thick, pure, Korean cum.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's milky.
And that's a delicacy, I think, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what it looks like?
It's like that foam, cappuccino foam.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know how you get a nice cappuccino?
Yeah, that's what it looks like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so I was cumming real good.
Yeah?
And I'm like, ah, you know, in the bathtub.
Somebody told me black guys cum has music in it.
Have you heard that right now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, jazz.
It's like jazz, blues kind of a thing, yeah.
It's like Thelonious Monk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what it is, yeah.
It's got a little Leon Bridges in the back.
And it's thicker, too, because I've tasted it.
It's thicker.
But, yeah, yeah, it's a thick good stuff.
Well, it was a fat black guy, so maybe fat black guys have thicker cum.
Oh, I'm sure they do, dude.
Even just by looking at them, you know they're not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's got diabetes in it, for sure.
Well, they're not.
They're definitely throwing a creme, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A kum brulee, you know.
Anyway, I masturbated last night in the bathtub.
Did you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And was your wife in there with you or no?
No, she's sleeping.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she's not my wife.
So I was masturbating in the bathtub, and you know what sucks about masturbating
in the
bathtub?
It drives me crazy.
You cum, right?
Mm-hmm.
Is this too blue for the show?
I think it is, but it's too blue for me.
Nick's fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nick's over there licking his lips.
Yeah, Nick just put an apron on it.
So then I had it in my hand, right?
And so what I do is I clean it later.
Uh-huh.
You know, it's like, I'll do it later.
You just save it in your hand?
No, no, I don't save it and let dry.
No, that's crazy.
That's crazy talk.
Yeah.
No, on the side, I just wipe it on the side.
I clean it later.
On the side of the tub?
Yeah, I clean it later.
Right?
So I put it on the side of the tub.
You've never cleaned anything later.
I've been to your house where, you know how people have that big water jug they
collect coins in?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You had one filled with urine.
So I did, I go, I'm going to save it later like that, right?
Because I like to, like, relax.
But what the worst thing is, is that then I looked at my pee-pee, right?
Mm-hmm.
And there's still a couple, you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
Just like, you know, like sea monkeys.
Yeah, like people on the roof during Hurricane Katrina.
Or they're on the tip of my penis and they're doing this.
And I'm like.
Like this car?
Yeah.
Yeah, so, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like one of those things.
That's what it looks like.
One of those, you know, things that you see at a car dealership.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so I was doing this and then I just let it float.
And I'm thinking to myself, do they think it's like the ovary?
Like we made it.
Oh, do they think you're the ovary?
No, the water.
Because you imagine you're coming inside of water, right?
And the sperm must think, right?
I could see if I were.
We made it.
We thought it was going to be a long distance, right?
We heard the stories.
And here we are.
Yeah, and here we are.
And they're like, no.
No, this is a tub, man.
Yeah, this is a bathtub.
Yeah, you lost.
Yeah.
So then after I do that and then I try to pee.
I guess maybe it's just not old age, but it's clogged a little bit.
What I don't like is.
What do you like?
Well, first of all, when I was young, if we ejaculated, my dad made us bury it
in the yard.
It was like a religious thing, because my dad was really religious.
What do you mean?
So you would dig a hole and then you would come into a hole?
No.
If he caught us, if we'd ejaculated onto something or ejacked onto a cloth or
something or into a little...
Right.
You know, something.
Maybe my sister had a little thing of cups and cupboards or some little game,
you know, children's game thing or something.
Then he would make us...
If he busted us, he would make us take it out of the yard and bury it in the
backyard.
Yeah.
What if you buried it and all of a sudden a little Theo...
You hear me?
Six months later, just a little Theo just came out of the ground.
Yeah.
Look at him.
That would have been cool.
Used cars.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then my mom bought a Dodge Neon.
She did?
She did eventually, man.
Yeah.
Man, I remember when she got that Neon, bro.
We thought we had made it, son.
Really?
Oh, dude.
My mom got that Neon, dude.
My brother and I slept in it.
She let us sleep out in it the first night we got it.
Yeah.
It's a nice...
How many cars did you have growing up?
Let me see.
We had a Volkswagen...
We had a station wagon and somebody stole the back door off of it.
And then...
So then we got a Volkswagen Rabbit, which is like a really small car.
I know, but yeah.
It's a nice car.
Very dangerous.
They backfire.
Can you pull up a picture of that?
Dark gray.
What year is this?
19...
Any of those look good on the top row, I think.
Yeah.
87.
Oh, that's it.
Wow.
Dude, and mom...
It's a box, man.
It's cute.
And mom would drive.
Drive that thing, dude.
And it would be out of gas.
She would drive it on sheer anger.
Would frickin' propel that car.
Yeah.
And we had a Corvette.
What?
My mom had a Corvette.
And you know what my dad had?
He had a pedophile white van.
It's just a white van, right?
Why?
And he would go around.
You know, and I don't know why, but he would always go past schools.
What is it about, I think, there's a lot of secrecy inside of Asian men, older
Asian men, where...
You know what I'm saying?
No, I don't.
Please explain yourself.
I will.
A lot of white men, and blacks too, I'll say it, and others, Slims, everybody
else, Slams,
people from the desert, Sand Christians, everybody.
They are more outspoken with what's going on.
I feel like a lot of Asian people keep things very close to the vest.
Like, you'll see a guy with a van, but no particular reason.
You never know.
And then years later, you know, on his deathbed, he tells you he was, you know,
he's been running
a baseball card shop across town.
All right, smuggling opium.
Yeah, smuggling opium or doing...
Well, you guys don't do a lot of, like, you guys do more sex offender indoor.
You don't do, like, kidnapping, that kind of stuff.
I don't think, huh?
Asians?
Well, no, let me try to think about that.
Because the Asian man's not going to be able to catch a white kid or a black
kid.
No, quick as fuck.
No, wait, I think that's very offensive.
What?
Dude, bro, Asians are quick as fuck, bro.
The reason why you don't even know is because we do it so quick.
They don't know when...
There's no witnesses.
Come here!
What?
That's how...
You know what I mean?
He goes, hey!
You know what I mean?
And you know what I mean?
Come here!
And they do...
We molest quick.
Ooh, now that I can see.
Bend over!
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
Like that, right?
He goes, hey!
You know what I mean?
And then we bury...
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Yeah, so we're quick as fuck.
Yeah, you're right.
And that's where you don't see it, yeah.
Damn.
But I don't...
I've never really...
I've never seen in the news, especially in America, right?
Asian man, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Molest or Asian man goes hog wild.
You know, like sometimes white people...
Asian man touchy younger.
Right, right.
Right.
Or sometimes white people go hog wild in a mall.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
With a machine gun.
Like, da-da-da-da-da.
You know, whatever, right?
Yeah.
You never see Asian dudes do it, older dudes doing that.
You guys keep your crime, I feel like, very close to the vest, and then at the
last
second on a death, in a deathbed whisper, you tell it, you know?
Like, oh, I touch all the kiddos.
Yeah, yeah.
You know?
Bobby, I killed 9,342 people in my life, or something like that.
And you're like, what the fuck?
And then they just die.
Yeah.
I think that's the way to do it.
Yeah.
Keep your shit to yourself.
Well, you guys are...
You guys come from a long history of keeping secrets and tradition, honor.
An Asian man will die.
What are you talking about?
Asian will kill themselves.
Can you see about that, Nick?
Asian men kill themselves?
Asian kill themselves if they have secret, you know?
They can't handle it.
Seppuku.
Right there.
Oh, seppuku.
Right.
Harikari.
An alternative spelling for...
Is a ritual suicide in traditional Japan.
If someone kills themselves.
I know, but, Theo, white people kill themselves, too.
They just don't do it differently.
Yeah, but we're distressed about something.
Yeah, that