Name: Adult Asthma | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #299
Uploaded: 2020-10-06T13:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Adult Asthma | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #299' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Adult Asthma | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #299' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-06. Transcript available.

Adult Asthma | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #299

You know, I was, um, I was looking at some drawings of Native Americans and,
you know,
I realized I couldn't even, it's sad to admit, but I couldn't even be Native
American and
no offense to anybody that's in N.A. No offense to you guys. I love your work.
I've seen,
you know, most of what I've seen is drawings, but, you know, I love, but I love
y'all's
work. And I mean that, you know, I love all, you know, I respect Native
Americans. Um, if
I, you know, I was born too late in the world. If I was born earlier, I
probably would have,
you know, tried to smooth things over a little bit better whenever, you know,
you guys kind
of had the falling out with the, with some of the whites, to be honest. I would
have said,
hey, hey, hey, you know, let's figure this out, guys. But I think both of you
guys are
kind of high-tempered, it seems like. If I'm really honest, if I look back and
some of the
drawings, it seems, you know, uh, excuse me, a little belt or burp, I don't
know which one
is which. Ugh. They're both disgusting. I feel like air is just kind of just
raping my
throat every time it happens. Ugh. I hate that. But, um, but yeah, again, I
want to apologize
to any, you know, I know we have some Native American listeners, some NALs,
basically, or
something. You know, we know what I'm talking about. We have a, we have some
Native American
listeners. I have Native American in me. Okay? I probably got half a pint. Okay?
I probably
got half a pint. I probably got six teaspoons of Chippewa or something. Daddy's
got it in
them. I can feel it sometimes in the middle of the night. You know, I'll hear
something
outside. I'll hear something about 40 paces away. And I don't use the term paces
very often.
So that's right then when I know that, I say, oh, that's, that's a very select
ounce or two
of me that's listening there. And that's that Native American in me. But yeah,
I want to apologize
to Native Americans on behalf of kind of some of the ways stuff went down. You
know, it's
a, it was just kind of a wild time, I think. And, you know, you can't win them
all, I guess.
You know, I don't know what to, how do we shake, you know, merge the past and
the future.
So I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. What was I talking
about?
Shit. I don't even know, man.
Oh, my God, dude. I had a, what a week. What a weekend. What a, I mean, what a,
my weekend
was great. It was, my weekend was tough. It was, it was everything. You know,
it was
an everything weekend. It was like one of those bagels that have every, you
know, everything
on it. It just looks like your spice rack just took a, you know, took some
bread and just
did a damn gang bang on it. But, but yeah. So, you know, we do what we can. And
yeah, let's
look, let's crack into the episode. I think that's the way to do it. And, and I'll
just
share more, you know, just try and share about what's going on. Yeah. You know,
I need help
sometimes. I need some help. Sometimes I need some help. So, you know, and, and
it's hard
to say that. It's hard to say that I need some help sometimes. And sometimes I
do. Let's
get into this episode. Here we go.
You always are the one who keeps it together. You always are the one who knows
just what we
need. You always are the one who stays home with my baby. You gonna be the one
who stays right
here with me. Well, I've been working fingers down to a bloody mix. And I've
been working sanity
down to the bone. I've been working hard as I can to just find some time. Time
to get you
all along. So we can, we can. Going out on the city. Have a little whiskey and
wine.
This is our time. This is our time. And that right there, that's Grady Spencer
and the work
our time is that song. That listening piece. And, uh, and we're here, we're
here, we're here.
We're moving in. It's October. You know, we're moving in and we're moving
forward. And, you
know, I had a tough weekend, man. I, you know, I don't want to, uh, you know, I've
just had
a tough, I've just had a tough time recently. Um, and I don't like to, you know,
it's hard
for me sometimes with, uh, to not, to, to share how I feel and not sound like I
am complaining
or like I have, I am not, or just having a lot of self-pity. Um, and it's, it's,
it's hard for me
to do. You know, it's hard, you know, I think it's become tougher sometimes on
this podcast to talk
sometimes about how I feel because I, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to
complain and I don't
want to be seen as a complainer. Um, and you know, it's, you know, it's
interesting, you know,
as my career has gone on over the past few years and has gotten busier, uh, you
know,
I start to feel like, Oh, well, nobody wants to hear what your problems are. If
they think that
your life is good or that you, you know, here I am getting to live out my
dreams
and so to then still come back and have a, have complaints, have uncomfort, uh,
that stuff
sound, I don't know. It's just hard. It's hard to share. It's hard to, um, it's
scary. It's scary
to share because I'm like, well, you know, who's who, who, nobody wants to
listen to somebody complain
that, that has, you know, that has, uh, that's like living their dream. It just
doesn't. So it's
just been tough, man. I just have not been feeling that good. I think
especially about the past six or
nine months and I try to talk about it sometimes, but I don't know what's going
on.
You know, I don't know what's going on. Um, and, uh, and so, you know, you, you
just keep showing up
and, you know, I had, I just had a moment this past week and, uh, while I was
going to drink the
other night, I was going to drink and, you know, I don't know if I have a
drinking problem. I know
that I don't do well when, once I get ahold of cocaine, I don't do super great.
You know,
I do not do super great if I am doing cocaine. Uh, so the other day, you know,
I had to shows up
in New Jersey with Trevor Wallace and he's amazing and it was great. And
Francis Ellis, beautiful
fella, tall fella too. I mean, tall white. I mean, if somebody did something to
the native Americans,
I'm going to, it was somebody he, you know, probably somebody he knew or in his
gene pool,
you know, if you drink a, a half cup of out of his gene pool, you could
definitely taste a couple
native Americans, you know, losing their land. I'll say that. Um, but one of
the smartest and,
uh, and hardest working guys is Francis Ellis. No shortcuts with that fella.
And, and so beautiful
to, you know, just to see him and spend time with him and, and Trevor's and
Trevor's, uh, you know,
I just, I respect both those guys so much. And so I was, I was happy to be out
there with
them. And the first show was amazing. It was one of my favorite shows ever, uh,
out there
in, um, in New Jersey, in the state of New Jersey up there in Northeastern
America. And
then the second show was, it was, it was good. It just, it was all over the
place kind of.
You ever look for something, you just can't find it. It was kind of like that a
little.
Um, and that's my perception as well. You may have been sitting there and had a
great time,
but, uh, but you know, I like it to be just, you know, I'll, I'll always want
it to be perfect
for everybody. Um, and so anyway, I think everybody did have a great time, but,
but anyway, that was
just, that's just kind of how I felt, uh, about them. Um, but the day was just,
that day was just
rough and I'd, you know, I'd been, uh, I went to the, I went to the airport in
the morning
from Nashville and I flew to the wrong airport in, in New York and I flew into
LaGuardia and
that's about an hour and a half away from the venue. Whereas, um, Newark was
about 40 minutes
from the venue. So just eat, it would have been a lot easier. So I flew into
the wrong
airport and I had to get an Uber. So I took an Uber an hour and whatever it was,
hour and 40 minutes,
hour and 20 minutes. It was a, it was a waste. Uh, and I was just stressed out,
man. You know,
I just really, you know, I've been trying not to drink for a while and I just
kind of decided in
my head, you know, man, I'm, I'm going to drink, I'm going to drink when I get
to this hotel. I'm
just going to have myself a damn drink, you know, and I don't think, and I, I've
never been the kind
of person to just drink and drink and drown. I don't like that. I don't like,
hell, I don't like
having to get up and go pee. So I, I don't want to have a bunch of drinks, you
know, but the reason
I don't drink is because I just get worried that then if I get approached with
cocaine, you know,
or that dust, that Jack Jack, then I'm going to be out there, son. I'll be out
in your garden.
You know, I'll be out there in your recycling bin with a couple of raccoons,
baby, doing dirty,
baby, doing dirty works. So that's where my mind kind of goes. And, but I just
decided, man,
you know, I got this, I got a hotel room at this place called Oyster Point
Hotel
because they have, the place is kind of, it's a little bit of, it's kind of
shitty and I like
that. It's kind of nice though. It's like shitty nice, you know, it's like that.
Um, like you ever
been to a funeral, but they got a, like a thing of mints right by the coffin,
like a little snack bowl
or whatever, right by the car, like a little, oh yeah, you know, you know, uh,
you know, Keith is
dead, but also, uh, you know, have a mint that kind of place. So I, it just had
that kind of vibe.
And, um, anyway, I get there and I thought in my head, well, the whole time I'm
riding there,
I'm just furious. And the guy, oh, the Uber driver kept telling me he had
asthma and about his journey
with asthma. Dude, we got bigger fish to fry in the world right now than
somebody having an asthma
journey, bro. Maybe if you can't breathe well, maybe God don't want you round.
Yeah. Have you thought
about that? Huh? Puff, puff. Maybe if you can't take a hit off the world
correctly, maybe the Lord's
looking for you. So anyway, an hour and a half of listening, you know, Captain
fucking Camp Puff talk
about his 65 years, dude was 65, 65 years of lung issues. And he had crosses
hanging everywhere in the
Uber. He had, I mean, there was a cross, there was, there's a cross here. You
know, at one point I
reached behind my ear and I pulled out a cross. Like he had, there was, I don't
know if this guy
lives, if he had a vampire as an ex-wife, I don't know what's going on, but the
Lord, I mean, I guess
the Lord was with us for sure. It was an Uber pool because they had, there's no
way there weren't a
couple of straight up disciples in the trunk. So I'm riding with this dude,
Captain asthma and, uh,
and he kept pulling, Oh, this was the worst part.
And I'm just thinking, Oh God.
And I made it up to black belt.
Oh God.
I was in Taekwondo for many years as a, as a teen.
Okay. Well, good. Um, so what I'm saying is this, that, uh, so I've been
thinking about,
I was thinking about drinking. I was thinking about drinking. I'm thinking,
okay, when I get to this
hotel, they have a nice restaurant there. That's one thing. It's just, I really
love a place that
have a nice restaurant, nice place to eat. You're sitting, looking right out
the water.
Beautiful. So you could be eating a fish and taste right where it came from.
You could be eating a fish right there, having you a little bit of pond, uh,
pond carp or whatever,
you know, North African pond carp or something. You should gutting down some of
that and you'll see
its family members swim right up by the window and look at you. Just hit you
with that one eye,
you know? Hey, that's my dad, you know?
And so I guess I kept romanticizing in my head. Okay. I'm going to sit there. I'm
going to have me
some food. I'm gonna have me some drinks. Uh, and I'm just going to relax, man.
Um, and so,
you know, anyway, we go, Oh, the guy kept having to pull over to breathe fresh
air.
The guy kept having to pull over to breathe fresh air in New Jersey off the
turnpike.
There ain't no fresh air. There ain't no fresh air by the turnpike, dude.
Br