Name: Elevator Baby | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #302
Uploaded: 2020-10-24T14:40:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Elevator Baby | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #302' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Elevator Baby | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #302' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-24. Transcript available.

Elevator Baby | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #302

all right check check baby chicken check checkers check your neck
that's what they used to say a lot check your neck and people would go like
this
or run a cheese check they say it run a cheese check on your daddy because
you know my dad was real old when i was born and when i was young he was even
older
and the older i got the older he got and i was kind of chasing him you know age
chasing and then he died
but um a lot of times we do pizza you know i was on different sporting teams or
my sister was on a
sporting team you know little lesbian group and then they would have a pizza
party it used to
originally it was if you won if you won your team got a pizza party and then
that evolved even if you
got second and then it became hell if your team even if you even had a team you'd
see some kids just
we're all wearing the same jersey never played anything eating pizza
so it became really just anybody could do it
but
they used to say run a cheese check on your daddy because my dad was so old
when he'd have pizza he could you know the cheese comes off that pie
when you release that slice off that circle
you really get a lot of that you know those little little kind of like a cheese
web kind of like a lot of little cheese little
string cheeses that go from the slice back to that motherland
that master pie circle
and so a lot of times you know my dad he didn't know what the hell was going on
he didn't know you know who was who was his kid or who was black or who was
white or anything
i mean he didn't know if you were a car or a person so not i remember one time
he put a half a gallon of gas in the back of my pants
so you just uh
you know daddy would have a have him a slice of that pizza
and he'd have cheese just draped all over him
and some of the kids would say hey hey hey hey hey
run a cheese check on your daddy
and you'd have to just kind of you know check on his face like that
you'd have to do that dang dang da dang dang
and cheese check your daddy make sure you don't have any just cheese just draping
off his face
you know like somebody's trying to speed lunk off his face or something and
so you know you don't you just want to make sure you know that was kind of that
deal but um
yeah check check chicken chick
that's a popular term they say chicken chick
because a chicken you know a lot of people don't think about a chicken
think about a chicken
now what
a chicken you uh seeing a chicken used to be like like like coming across a mcdaniel's
bro when you're driving
and you you see that you know you see the the arches you said oh dang that's a
mcdaniel's right there
that's the same in the old days if you came across a chicken in the 1600 1700s
that's like pulling up on a restaurant
you know you're riding with your family you guys are in uh
you know riding in a horse cart or whatever
and you see a chicken they say dad dad
stop there dad
stop at that restaurant
and the restaurant's just over there it's like
and y'all go over there and slice and dice
and mom does her thing and that's family dining
that's 1600s family dining man
and the chicken dies but hey
somebody's got to go man
and that's called
that chicken chick
happy autumn
we're running right here
we're running up on the heels of winter
if you if you listen you can you can you can really feel
if you listen with your
emotions you can really feel
us just kind of lapping up onto the
onto the heels of winter
just nipping at the heels
just nipping at the heels of that icy bitch
miss winter
and she's doing her thing
but we coming at her baby
let's get into the episode
this is a little
Matthew Kosciol
with runs in the family
amen baby
tell them baby
catch me on Grindr huh
there you go Maddie
it's just a matter of time
there ain't no stopping the seven sun
can't watch the sin from the hairs that made me
can't outrun with runs in the family
runs in the family
you can cut me down
but the roots run deep
amen Maddie
you can cut me down
but the roots run deep
I ain't gonna die
when they bury me
I wonder what I'll do
when I die
you know
if I lay there
or if I'll probably
I'll probably try to sneak over
and just tickle somebody else
that's been laying there
piss somebody off man
hey hey
cut out all the bullshit
I wonder what my neighbors
will be like
where I get buried
that's why
you know
people want to get buried
by their family
but you gotta think about that
you gotta think about that
you wanna get buried
you know
I mean it's nice to be
by your mom
for like an hour
but I don't know
if you wanna be buried
right by her
it's nice to be
by your uncle
bro
but if he
you know
if he gets into gambling
or shit
it ain't fun
you know
it's just
it's like
who do you
who do you wanna be
I almost wish
that they had a
they had a
funeral parlor
that had a
kind of a
10 disc changer
remember them
CD changers
them 10 disc changers
that they had
one of those
in the ground
and everybody
was on kind of
a lazy Susan
and you just
got to kind of
you know
just do like
a little bit of
speed dating
kind of
while you're in the dirt
just something
where you could
cross paths
with different
with some difference
cause yeah
for the first hour
or two
it'd be cozy
being with your folks
but man
about 10pm
and after they
shut down
they saw
you know
a couple
of episodes
at Law & Order
SVU
and they're
turning down
the lights
you're gonna
wanna howl
a little
you're gonna
wanna get out
you're gonna
wanna throw
one of your
bones
into the distance
and let
some dirty
dog
go get it
you know
that's one
thing about
skeleton
that's why
I think
if ghosts
were made
if they had
real skeletons
dogs would
attack them
all the time
so you gotta
think about
that right there
I mean
you know
you couldn't
send a skeleton
real far
without a dog
getting that bitch
right by the neck
or by the
caustics
or whatever
or the occipital
or whatever
I don't remember
you know
only gotta be
in 8th grade
in science
but
you know
shout out
to science
bro
we had
when I was
young
we had a
science teacher
and he used
to do
deltoids
at the gym
and he would
do deltoids
all the time
and he would
also at the
same time
eat altoids
and so
his big thing
he would get
you to come
over by him
and he'd be
doing deltoids
and he'd blow
a little bit
of mint smoke
out of his mouth
and be doing
altoids
he'd have
9 altoids
in his mouth
and I'm not
saying that
I mean
I don't know
what the pH
balance is
of somebody's
breath
if they got
9 altoids
in them
but
I mean
you like
a damn
Christmas chimney
at that point
you running
a lot of heat
I feel like
and shout out
to that man
Mr. Cave
man
and he went
to jail
for
dating
underage
ladies
but before
that he was
a good man
I'll say
that
and I think
he served
his time
too
and he
looked good
in a tank
top
I'll say
that shit
I'm an adult
and he's an adult
but hell
he looked good
in a damn
tank top
what's going
what's going
on
we just
had
the death
man in
we had
Frank Giles
in here
and I tell you
you know
it's interesting
when you meet
a man
that's that
close to the
dead
and you're
right there
you're with him
you know
it's interesting
when you
meet a man
who's
carried
that 15
inch baby
and tucked
him into a
car seat
next to him
and driven
him over
there to
the death
grounds
it's interesting
to be that
close to that
man and just
kind of just
hear his
feelings
hell I asked
him straight
up I said
let me put
my hand
on your
chest
you know
let me feel
the drum
of death
because when
he walks
in the room
baby
that's it
you were
to go
order for
the Lord
son
it's time
to box
you up
and so
yeah I guess
I start
thinking about
that around
this time
of year
what's it
going to
be like
when they
roll it
up one
more time
you know
I tried to
fake my
death when
I was about
20
I'll be
honest
and my
friend Paul
called a
couple people
and said
hey you
know Theo's
dead
and
and the
crazy shit
was none
of them
even told
anybody
so we
planted a
couple seeds
and that
shit didn't
even grow
bro and
then we
forgot about
it you
know we
was doing
weed we
was doing
cocaine daddy
you know
I mean I
was anyway I
don't know if
he was but
you know my
favorite type of
weed was
cocaine
you'd see me
snorting a
bowl of
weed you
know get
that little
that
thanksgiving
for your
snout
daddy I'm
talking about
cocaine
dude I
remember I
had some
good cocaine
one time over
there in
Tucson Arizona
hell I put
two grams in
my car it was
out of gas
and that
bitch ran for
a half an
hour
the headlights
wouldn't work
but hey
you can't have
it all daddy
you can't have
it all and
that's God
man
what else is
going on
did a show
last night
out here
out here in
the central
east I
want to thank
everybody that
came out
it was a
beautiful time
man
you know
and just
good to
just be in
a room with
people and
laughing and
feeling good
you know
and really
just feeling
good and
yeah we had
a nice time
couple of
young bucks
around here
got up and
did some
comedy to
start the
show off
you know
I was
on the
show and
you know
they're only
the crowds
here at
half capacity
so they're
only allowed
about 160
people or
something
150 people
in the
showroom
so it's
kind of nice
because it's
almost like
you get to
practice but
it's still a
regular show
for everybody
that's there
and
you know
it'll just
have to make
do for now
you know
I'm grateful
to have
just a spot
to get
out there
man it
really is
it really
is a good
deal
but yeah we
had the
death man
in here
we had him
right here
and it's
crazy I mean
if it's
say fast
forward 40
years from
now 80
years from
now when
I die
or when
I you
know go
on
I should
have told
I should
have put
my order
in
I should
have said
hey Frank
I want
this you
know I
want this
and this
I want
the you
know I
want the
I want
the strawberries
and whipped
cream
one under
each arm
when I'm in
that basket
daddy
and I want
that wicker
casket so you
could still
smell me
so the ladies
could still
get a
off of my
bro loan
you feel me
but I
don't know
it's tricky
how do you
want to
go
cremated
is too
much
I don't
want to
be
you know
I worked
one day
as a
damn
chef's
apprentice
over at
roadhouse
cafe
or whatever
that
shithole
was
I don't
know what
it was
dude
they were
supposed to
be selling
chargrilled
steaks
but the
FDA
showed up
and popped
them
and got
them
they were
selling
illegal
meat
you know
they had
to hit
a raft
in there
they had
to hit
a pony
or something
you know
some of
the shit
they were
selling
was illegal
meat
and that's
the second
time in my
life I've
been popped
at a joint
where they're
selling illegal
you know
I was out
in Tucson
Arizona
and they
had this
little
chef
fella
named
little
Scotty
and they
popped
him
and he
wore a
big ass
hat
too heavy
for his
neck
and you
would see
him
kind of
like
this
a little
bit
and that
the hat
was so damn
heavy
it would
close his
eyelids
man
but
you know
when you
a chef
they don't
give you
like a
medallion
you know
some things
they give
you a
medallion
if you
do well
but a
chef
they give
you a
big
hat
looks
kind of
like an
like an
atomic
bomb
explosion
shape
and he
was so
damn
proud
and I
think
his
daddy
thought
he
was
bigger
and his
daddy
hadn't
seen
him
in a
while
and his
daddy
got him
too
heavy
hat
for
his
little
neck
and so
he had
that big
bastard
on there
and he
could barely
keep his
eyes open
with that
heavy
bitch
on there
but they
yeah
they got
but they
were selling
illegal
seafood
and I
remember
the FDA
showed up
and popped
everybody
dude
you know
some dude
asking me
if I know
about shrimp
bitch
I don't
know about
shit
I'm a
bus
boy
okay
and they
need
bread
on
eight
right
now
so
don't
try to
tangle
me up
all in
this
little
mermaid
bullshit
but
anyway
I'm sorry
I didn't mean to get all fired up
but
but yeah we out here
that's what I'm saying
and I forgot to tell you a little bit more about that song on the way in
that was Runs in the Family
by Matthew
Cosial
talented young fella
and we'll have the link there to
to his
to his sound
so you can go get a hold of him
and see what's going on with him
and what's going on with you
I'd love to know
I'd love if you guys could hit the hotline
985-664-95