Name: Jo Koy 3 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #303
Uploaded: 2020-10-29T14:18:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jo Koy 3 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #303' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jo Koy 3 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #303' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-29. Transcript available.

Jo Koy 3 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #303

Today's episode is brought to you by Magic Mind.
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Today's episode features a beautiful man.
And this is a comedy man.
And he's got so many big things happening in his life.
I think I'm just amazed we're even able to have him in here today.
And he's a man of comedy and you know him from Netflix and television.
Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Mr. Joe Coy.
Wait, are you dating someone or what?
I've been dating a girl on and off for a couple of years.
And then now I think we're not dating.
So I'm just chilling.
So are you in your head a lot?
Like, do you hear words underneath sentences?
Or do you like, it's kind of like paranoia because we're in a certain position
now.
Does that make sense?
Like, what do you mean?
Like, okay.
Like, I know, I know that I, like, I make a certain amount of money.
I know a lot of people, like, you know what I mean?
Like, we're not looked at the same way.
This is going to sound so, I don't want to sound, come across arrogant.
I don't think you could sound arrogant though.
I think some people could sound arrogant.
I don't think it's something that you could do.
So I think no matter what you say, it's coming from a place where it's like,
okay, I'm just
trying to share what I'm feeling.
That's how I feel.
So it hinders my dating life.
Really?
Yeah, man.
And I hate it because my trust is so, I've been burned a lot by, you know, by
people I've
dated.
And then, and then, and just like, my trust is just so bad.
Like, what are you in this for?
Why are you with me?
Why?
Like, there's only one person I really trust and that's my son's mom.
She was with me when I had fucked up teeth, when I was working at Nordstrom Rack
and
and Borders books, probably doing coke, uh, working at, uh, some Marina Del Rey
cleaning
yachts and then running over to Laugh Factory and doing stage time.
So she was there.
Yeah.
I trust her.
I don't trust anyone that came after this.
It sucks, man.
It really sucks.
Do you, sometimes I, do you feel bad for not like committing to the, to the mom?
Oh, to the mom?
No, I think we both have like a great understanding.
Man, we're, if anyone gets a divorce, her and I should write a book because we
are the
greatest divorce couple of all time.
If my mom and dad could have just done what we did, I mean, we'd have a great
life right
now.
Like I, like maybe I wouldn't be so PTSD about my, my childhood.
You know what I mean?
Maybe I wouldn't be so holding on to certain feelings that I've had, you know,
with my
mom and my dad, you know?
Yeah.
It's damaging, man.
Like those relationships.
And then you start to exhibit the same relation.
You, you, you exude and, and, and do the same practices that were done to you.
And I was starting to, Theo, when we first divorced, I was, I was being that
guy, you know, I'll
make it harder for this bitch.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
Struggle, bitch.
Oh yeah.
And then I was like, I remember my mom's like, you remember how you felt when,
ah shit, I
don't want to put that out there, but you know, I love my dad, you know what I
mean?
But they, they were going through a time and I didn't see my dad and, um, and,
and I don't
ever want my son to feel that feeling of the dad not around and being a phone
dad.
Happy birthday, son.
Like that fucking hurts, man.
Yeah.
And, um, and I see it with you.
That's why I, I don't know what I, you know, I, I don't dig into you, but when
you do your,
like your single mom shows, that comes from a place, right?
Like, is it cause your mom was single?
Yeah.
My mom was single.
I think, yeah, I think sometimes, you know, we just sent some money out to some
single
miles.
We'll like every now and then just write out some check, just nothing crazy.
A couple hundred bucks.
Just, you know, but that's so dope.
But we have like a little group that we kind of try to add to over the time,
but it's funny
cause I was thinking the other day, like, why do we do like what?
And I think it's just like, I think cause I, I wish maybe somebody had like
given my mom
some extra money to do something or, and not that these women even need it.
They might all be rich.
I have no idea.
Yeah.
But, um, but you're also setting a trend and starting something new.
Like as long as you can plant the seed, as long as like, you know, you have a
beautiful
platform and you speak to a lot of people, a lot of kids too.
And if they see something like that, that's inspirational that, that teaches
them not to,
you know, Oh, Theo did it.
I'm going to do it.
And that's, that's something I didn't have.
I don't know how old you are.
I'm 40 years old.
So I'm older than you, not by much, but, but enough to like during my time, I
think divorce
was new.
Oh wow.
I mean, I think divorce was new.
And was there shame with divorce then?
Yeah.
Like there was, that's when all the divorce courts started coming out and all
the divorce
shows were coming out and, you know what I mean?
It was all new for everybody, you know?
And, and, and, and, and, you know, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't get mad
at my dad.
I, I, you know, I tell my dad, I love you so much all the time, but, um, I also
tell
him I understand.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like it was a different time.
Yeah.
It was a different time.
It was like their, their role models were like, had like drove like, um, Ford
LTDs or
whatever.
Yeah.
They had a pistol.
Yeah.
Six shooters.
Yeah.
Six shooters with old bullets.
It was different.
Yeah.
It was a different time.
They always went off cause there was no safety.
You know what I mean?
No safety.
Cause that guy, right?
They always had uncles that told dirty jokes.
Oh, it was disgusting.
But there were dirty jokes that they got from a book.
Yeah.
Remember there was a book they used to sell.
It was like, I, they, they used to have like the worst dirty books.
I remember going there as a kid and say, do you, do you know what I'm talking
about?
I don't remember that.
I remember.
It's like truly tasteless books.
Please look it up, Nick.
Look it up, Nick.
When I was a kid.
Thanks, bud.
I remember a kid came to the school and this thing called the truly tasteless
jokes.
And was he hiding it from the adult?
Oh, it was, yeah, it was, it was, it was like a, a satanic book.
You know what I mean?
And we all gathered around during lunch and then we all pulled it out and just
died, died laughing.
The most crudest, nastiest things you could ever read.
Oh, we used to have a fella.
We used to pay the head of dude who you'd pay him a couple of dollars and he
would draw
you a piece of little crotch at recess.
This dude, Nick, bro.
I don't mean, was it Nick was his name?
What was his name, Nick?
Nick was the rapper.
I don't remember this guy's name.
That's it.
But yeah, man, for a couple of dollars, he sketched you out a beautiful piece
of ass.
And it just looked like it, huh?
Bro.
And if you had one of those, you were good for the weekend, you know, you were,
if you
had a couple of dollars to get you a little sketch, bro.
Yes, man.
And I remember I used to bike across town to go, they had this man and he, he
had a family.
Yeah.
And I would go over to his house and I was like buddies with his son and they
had pornography
up under the sink.
Yeah.
That's where it was.
Oh, and I'd bike five miles over to their house on the weekend.
Who did it?
To go to the bathroom to pretend I was pooping for like an hour.
Oh, and it was massive, right?
It was a massive poop, but you didn't even poop?
Yeah, dude.
And I'm just in there just jerking off and feeling sorry about myself.
Then I had to come out of the bathroom and pretend to be friends with their son
for a while.
Yeah.
And then you also had to let your semi go down.
Oh.
Because just because you're done, it doesn't, it's not, it doesn't go back to
its resting
place.
Uh-uh.
It still has a lot of energy, a little life.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're still kind of excited, too.
You think you could probably do it again?
Oh, yeah.
You're ready.
Like, I'm just, yeah, I'm just waiting.
I'm like building up steam to get back in there, you know?
What's that?
My friend's dad had a stack of magazines in his bathroom, and I always wanted
to use his
dad's bathroom.
Yeah.
It was on top of the, you know, the tank, and it was like Sports Illustrated,
Sports
Illustrated, and then another magazine, Mechanics, Popular Mechanics, and then
the goodies.
Tits only.
Oh, yeah.
Jugs.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
And he just had to, he had to remember what magazine was on top, what magazine
was underneath.
Remember all that?
You had to pull it out slowly.
Be careful.
Don't bend any pages.
Uh-uh.
Set it down on the ground.
Set it down.
Oh.
Don't get it wet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't get it wet.
Bro, all of the, and your favorite, and the dad wouldn't have noticed any of
that, probably,
unless it was on top.
As long as you didn't put it back on top.
Oh, if you put it on top, it's done.
Oh.
The whole mission is done.
Then you blame it on your friend?
Your friend did it.
Yeah.
He did it.
And then the dad's like, oh, my son is a piece of shit.
Yeah.
Your son is.
Yeah.
Because I had no idea about these magazines.
Which ones?
Jugs.
What is it, about milk?
Yeah, what is it, about gallons of milk?
Is it Instacart?
What are you talking about?
I cleaned my son's bed.
I had to throw his bed away.
He's had this bed.
By the way, Theo, you don't have kids, right?
No, I don't have any kids, man.
I would like to have a kid, though.
I'm putting that out there, man.
Nice.
You're going to love it, by the way.
Really?
Oh, it's the greatest thing in the world, is having a kid.
The saddest part is when they get old or older, they want to throw things away.
And it's like you're throwing your heart in the garbage.
So my son wanted to rearrange his room.
He's had this room, you know, there's Michael Jordan stuff everywhere.
It's bad.
It's, you know, it's from six to, you know, whatever.
He's got all these things that I bought to, and now it's just in the way.
Because now he's into making beats, so he wants to clear.
Yeah, you want that fang sweat.
Yeah, man.
And I'm telling you, I was crying on the inside, but I'm not showing him any
emotion.
I'm just like, yeah, throw it.
Yep.
Yeah.
Let's get that out, man.
Get that out of here, man.
Let's fucking get, yeah.
Yeah, let's get you a chair.
Yeah.
But I'm crying.
It kills me, bro.
But anyways, so I bought him this, what is it called?
Tempur-Pedic mattress bed?
Whatever it's called.
Oh, yeah, that's nice there.
But it's a sofa bed.
So it looks like a red sofa.
But when you open, it's Tempur-Pedic.
It's an amazing hideaway couch.
Yeah, I've never seen anything like that.
It's amazing.
Like, when you lay on it, it doesn't feel like one of those regular couch beds.
It feels like a bed.
He's had it forever, but my son's sick of it, right?
He wants it out.
So we got rid of it.
Damn.
Bro, the mayhem that's underneath this bed.
Because there was no way you could move this.
It was so massive.
When we finally got the guys to move it, and we all looked at the ground, and I'm
like,
Joe.
Like a time capsule.
Bro.
What was it?
Like, all kind of what?
It was socks.
Ugh.
It was, uh.
Did it feel semen?
Kleenex.
Did it have a semenish vibe?
Everything.
Ugh.
Everything.
Everything was a DNA episode.
Everything was like a, uh, uh, what is that?
CSI.
A CSI episode.
It was just everywhere.
I took pictures of it, video.
Drew a chalk outline around each sock.
Oh, each sock.
Yeah.
Just billions dead.
Yeah.
Murder.
This is a mass murder.
Dude, I can't believe, and this is something that's probably obtuse, but
something that's
coming soon, is that, think of all of the value, the nutritional value that's
in semen,
if you really think about it.
Yeah, no shit.
And people are just-
Just tossing it.
Dude.
Bro, it's so 