Name: Booty Hawk | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #304
Uploaded: 2020-11-03T15:20:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Booty Hawk | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #304' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Booty Hawk | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #304' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-03. Transcript available.

Booty Hawk | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #304

Hello, darkness, my old friend.
What's going on, guys?
What is going on?
You know, I ask you all the time what's going on and then I just say, I just
tell you what's
going on, but I don't know.
I'm happy to be back here in the Central East.
I know that, you know, I'm happy to be back here and I got here and had to have
that one
egg dinner.
You ever end up on that one egg dinner?
You get home and you don't have groceries, you've been out of town, you know,
it's too
late to thaw out something.
It's too late to thaw out a little sirloin or, you know, like a cut a hawk or
something
or a chicken thigh.
It's too late for that.
So you got to manage with what you have.
You have to manage.
And so you all, you know, you end up going, opening the eggs and you got one
egg left.
That uno huevo, baby.
That Lance Armstrong, dog.
You say, damn man.
And you just make that one egg.
You know, and it's, it's heartbreaking a little bit, but it's also, it's better
than nothing.
It's better than nothing right there.
That one egg wonder.
That's what they call me.
That one egg wonder.
The election, it's coming.
It's coming.
It's here.
The results are going to come in slowly.
I think it'll be probably a week, a month, could be a weeks.
Who knows?
For everybody.
They got to get the mail ins, the email in.
Some people traveled back in time and wrote who they voted for on a cave wall.
And they got to use, they got to go back in time and do that.
They got to use the Ouija board and see who everybody voted for from the 1700s.
You know, they got people doing all kinds of people.
Some people paying money, have them have the plane right in the sky.
Joey, Donnie, who they have, you know, they, a lot of tablets are going to
happen.
They got a tablature, all the votes.
And then we'll know.
And there's some people they think, oh, it's going to be, you know, everybody,
they're going to, people going to go crazy.
They're going to be people, you know, Paul Bunyan's going to go through the
streets.
People, you know, they're boarding up Beverly Hills.
People just, you know, I guess, if, look, if you want to go, if you want to go
hard, it's a good day to go hard.
You know, maybe it's if that day, if you want to get out and steal some sandals
and throw a damn, you know, a wheelchair through a Panera Bread window.
Get out there and live your life, sucker.
Okay, if you want to set a Baskin Robbins on fire and, you know, a Kickstarter
batch of Grilled Rocky Road, get out there and be somebody.
But I'll tell you this, baby.
I'm only about 48 hours off of pornography at the moment.
And I believe that adult asthma is a choice.
And that's who I am, baby.
Let's get into it.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Well, the young and the old, the sick and the cold, the ones that just long to
get out of control, the ones that are calm and the ones that are cold, and
everyone's standing around the table.
The meek and the mild, the weak and the wild, the ones who won't speak this
meme to a child.
Those who have lived with their feet to the fire and forgave every miserable
jailer.
This is that uplifter right there.
You can feel it.
Hey, I love them all.
Ain't gonna quit.
Mm-hmm.
And that goes double for you.
Gonna do more good.
Gonna talk less shit.
And that's about all I can do.
Oh, yeah, man.
You hear that?
That's a good line.
Let's hear that again, man.
Here we go.
Hey, I love them all.
Ain't gonna quit.
Ain't gonna quit.
And that goes double for you.
And that goes double for you.
Gonna do more good.
Gonna talk less shit.
And that's about all I can do.
Amen, brother.
Gonna do more good.
Gonna talk less shit.
And that's about all I can do.
That right there is a band, an outfit right there, musical crack-up called Cordova's
Do More Good.
I'm gonna do more good.
I'm gonna talk less shit.
And that's about all I can do.
You know, people say in catastrophe, oh, the volcano's gonna go off.
You know, people's gonna be lighting volcanoes.
People saying, oh, be careful, you know.
Guns are gonna be shooting themselves.
It's gonna be a crazy day.
And I don't believe that.
I believe that the hype, all the BS from the election and the doolally, all of
that is done.
It's kind of hacky now.
It's been done.
You're gonna go out there and spray paint on a building?
Oh.
What kind of rerun shit is that?
You're gonna have to, people are gonna have to, you have to chain up the ante.
Or do nothing.
I believe it's gonna, just gonna be passive.
I just believe that it's been, it's already, you know, it's already all been
done.
You know, I just, I don't know.
I think it'll take a while to get the results for the election.
And I think it's, you know, it's normal.
You know, it's pretty normal the way it always goes.
The election always happens.
This time, it feels like, though, that everybody is, and I don't know if people,
if everybody
is really bought in more, but they say in it, the most, the most early ballots
ever cast.
But that's because everybody, nobody, nobody has anything to do.
You know, a lot of people aren't working.
People can cast their ballots early.
You know, the poll places have been open.
Usually they're open on one day.
Now they're open, you know, a couple of weeks.
Or whatever it is.
So you can have the early voting.
Some people know a decision early.
You know, some people don't know a decision real early, man.
But it's kind of like a little bit of a Super Bowl.
It'll be fun.
You know, I always find election night is kind of a, it's a fun night.
It's fun to watch and see it all kind of come in and see how it shakes out.
You know?
I think that Trump will win the election.
I just think that I, people say, who do you think will win?
I think he will win.
The incumbent, I think it's called.
Let me look it up.
In-cum-bent.
Currently holding office.
The incumbent usually wins that second term.
I think George W. Bush was the last fellow that couldn't handle.
That couldn't handle it all.
So they, you know, they belted him out.
But the incumbent usually wins.
So, did I bet a couple grand that Trump would win?
Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.
So, we'll see.
Now, did I have that money because Bryce Mitchell won the other day?
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Thank you, Bryce Mitchell.
I don't know if anybody watched the MMAs, but Bryce Mitchell got it done over
there.
And he had a great fight against Feely.
And both of them are great fighters.
Sometimes I want the fight to go on for 16 rounds.
17 rounds.
I want to see them.
I want to have one round where they just tickle each other.
You know, just full body tickling.
No crotch or nothing but the rest of the body, you know.
You know, non-sensual kind of regions or whatever they call it.
But anyway, yeah, I wanted to have this episode today.
You know, I think we're going to start coming out on Tuesday.
You know, not doing Sunday night gives me a little bit more.
A little bit more of I can enjoy my weekend.
I can plan a weekend and enjoy it.
So, we're going to see how it goes.
And, you know, it's all a learning curve.
But I appreciate you guys being here with me and just being a part of my life.
And especially being a part of this past weekend.
I really do.
You know, what else is going on?
I went to Baton Rouge over the weekend to go trick-or-treating with the kiddos
out there.
Some kid called me a fag, actually.
Some little kid in the street.
He called me an American fag.
And then he laughed.
And him and his friends laughed.
And they were on scooters.
And I don't know.
Whatever.
What else happened?
Oh, some guy said,
Oh, are you dressed as Theo the Comedian?
Theo Vaughn the Comedian?
And I just kind of looked at him.
And he's like, that's awesome, man.
And then he walked off.
I thought that was kind of interesting.
You know, I don't.
And I also.
The more I was thinking about it.
I don't know if I think the Democratic Party expects to win, really.
You know, when you think about it.
They put up an older guy.
You know, they just.
There hasn't been a ton of campaigning by him.
By Biden.
I just don't know if they expect to win.
I almost feel like they don't expect to win.
But also, what do I know?
What do I know?
You know, not too much, really.
I'm one guy who just.
You know, who has one vote.
And that'll be that.
And I'm glad that I don't get to make the choices.
I'm glad that I only have one vote.
Because that means that it's.
It's not all on me.
Isn't that nice?
There's one nice thing about the way it's set up here.
The system.
You get one coin in the well.
And if you're lucky, they count it.
That's the wildest thing.
A lot of countries, they go throw the coin every year.
And nobody, they don't even count that bitch.
There's somebody in the bottom just catching coins and buying himself a new,
you know, new Sega.
You know, new Atari 6000 or whatever it is.
PlayStation.
So hopefully our votes count.
That's what I do.
You know, that's one thing that I like to romanticize sometimes.
Is that our votes do count.
But I'm coming out to you out here from the Central East.
And a lot of calls came in.
A lot of beautiful people.
And just wanted to make sure that we got an episode in.
To stay on track.
And just to let you know that, you know, that this podcast will be here for you
every week.
Or that we're going to try and do our best to be here for you every week.
The same way that you've been here for me every week.
And the last thing, you know, I'll say really on the politics side is that I
think we're quickly headed towards multiple parties.
You know, we're too diverse these days in our series, in our thoughts.
And in our cares and our compassions and our passions.
To not have more choices.
You know, imagine if you just still had two flavors of ice cream.
It's just time for more parties.
And I think we're headed there.
I think by the time the next election comes around, hopefully there will be,
you know,
stronger options out of different channels.
Because I do believe that people are getting more fired up about politics
overall.
And that's exciting.
You know, it's kind of crazy when you go in there to choose on the election
time.
You go in there and, dude, you look at the first two.
The president.
And then after that, sometimes we'll have a senator or something.
And then after that, dude, there's like 30 things.
And you're just like, most people are like, I don't know.
I just start filling in whoever has a nickname.
Oh, Spicy Williams.
Check on that, man.
You feel me?
Oh, Rocky Crab.
Check on that bastard.
Oh, Buzz.
There's always some guy named Buzz, you know.
Oh, there he is right there.
Harry Buzz Watson.
Oh, we got to have Buzz in there.
You can't have a Spicy and not have a Buzz.
So.
Oh, Knuckles.
All right.
We'll do a Knuckles, bro.
We'll do a Knuckles.
That's how I start voting just by nickname.
If you have a nickname, you get my vote.
That's how I usually am after a president.
So, you know, I don't know, man.
Either way, I got to go to work.
What else?
Let's get into some of the episode and some of the calls.
As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.
And we asked who listens to the episodes last time.
And so let me throw some of the retorts we had occur right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Andrew from Atlanta, Georgia.
What's up, Andrew?
Over there from Atlanta, baby.
In Atlanta, man, that is bad.
Atlanta is about the most urban city you can get.
I mean, it is blacktastic, baby.
I mean, it is, you know, it's like Black History Month, you know, started a
city.
So if you like to, you know, you love hip-hop, all of that, the Falcons, they
got everything.
Over there in Atlanta.
Onward.
Let me just start off by saying I love the podcast, man.
Me and my dad listen to it every day, pretty much.
Or every time there's a new episode, at least.
I'm a senior in high school, man.
Oh, you could finish that, man.
High school is easy, man.
I'm going to be honest with you.
Looking back, there's some kids that didn't finish high school.
Fuck them, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
It's high school, dog.
It's high school.
If you even know 1492, you get h