Name: Man Up | Vaggers
Uploaded: 2020-12-03T03:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Man Up | Vaggers' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Man Up | Vaggers' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-03. Transcript available.

This week I got a call from my good friend Jim and he's dealing with an
issue that a lot of men are dealing with. You know men don't you? You see them
out
there in the morning drinking wine, beating each other. So like any good
friend I hopped in a uber select and went to pick him up to see what was
going on. Hello mate. How you going man? Good. Welcome. Thanks. So what's been
going on with you?
Well you know I've been doing stand-up now for 15 years for the first say 12
years. I did a lot of misogynistic jokes. I feel now with the good ones yeah
man and
I always thought that people understood that I was joking so they were in on
the
character but now I feel like a lot of people took them more seriously or
laughing for the wrong reasons but I've definitely toned it down a bit but I'd
like some help with my material. Yeah that's what I was thinking is like I've
been dealing with a lot of the same stuff. You know I don't even know what's
going on anymore like I'm almost afraid to even have a dick anymore. What's
wrong
with your dick? No it's just like it feels like I have a weapon. It's like I
leave the house with like a knife that's made out of like dick meat or so you
know
it's like not even a it just feels dangerous. But look man I'm just as
scared as anybody right now. It's like I'm just I don't know if it's okay to be
a
man. I don't know if it's okay to wear a turtleneck. Do you feel like being
masculine is being taken away? I always thought that women like that. A man who
takes control. Confidence. In Sweden now you have to ask to change positions
during
sex. Oh really? Yeah you go I'm gonna change position now are you okay with
that?
Like put your blinker on. Can't just be fucking someone flip him over. Oh.
Cause then
you. That's my move. That's my only move. That's my only move. Is the flip. So
Jim
has a lot of questions about how men are supposed to act in this day and age
and
especially also how we as comedians are supposed to entertain so that we are
not
offending people like on purpose maybe. I don't know. That's the thing. I don't
know.
So who better to answer our questions about the opposite sex than someone who's
both a comedian and a feminist. This is like a group of girls that I meet up
with. They're
like badass like gangsters like independent women like feminists but not like
too hardcore. Okay.
Okay. Cause you guys are trying to like understand what you can say and you can't
say.
We just look we're afraid to get out of the car. Yeah. And they they want to
learn too. They
want to learn from you guys what you guys are showing. All right. Good. Be
respectful. Okay.
Come on. Okay. I like your. What? Body. Sorry. So Whitney has been my friend
for a long time and
today she has a group meet up that Jim and I can learn from and I trust her. A
lot of my guy friends
are trepidatious. They feel like they can't make jokes. They don't want to
offend anyone. They don't want
to upset anyone. If you and I go do a spot at the Comedy Store. Same. We both
do 20 minutes. Do you think
we should get paid the same amount? Yes. Then you're a feminist. Do you ever
feel like there
are feminists out there that give other feminists a bad name? Yes. Yes. Yes.
Cause there are a lot
of women that think they're feminists but they're actually just assholes. And
we're in this climate
where women can't even call out other women or people freak out and you're slut
shaming and you're
and it's a really unhealthy dynamic. Okay. So Theo, what's your biggest fear?
Um, probably fire mostly.
I mean within the context of all the Me Too stuff. Oh. Do you feel like you are
comfortable going on
stage with the material we talk? Is there stuff you guys want to talk through?
I did a Valentine's
Day joke that does the rounds every year. Uh, all Valentine's Day is a
mathematical equation that every man has in
his head and it's how much money do I have to spend so that you won't act like
a cunt. Oh, yeah.
But see, that's funny to me. Here's why that's funny to me. I don't think you're
talking about me.
Yeah. I just go, Jim dates dummies. That joke was about all women.
I thought that these feminists were going to be super angry. I thought they
were going to have little
like knives that were like carved out of bone, out of man bone. But I thought
that these ladies were
very accepting. I didn't feel like that they were angry. They just wanted to
make sure that they were
heard. There's like two sides of the Me Too movement for men. You can be on the
like on the bad guy side,
which is like Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby. Or you can be like the heroes of
this and like be
the dudes that are like, hey, how can I support you women? What can I do that
will make you feel more
safe? Or like, what joke can I tell that will be supportive? I normalize the
word cunt in America
more than probably anyone has. It's another swear word. Well, I mean, I have a
problem with the c-word.
I don't even like to say it. I can say it for you. You just tell me when put up
your hand. You do the
sentence and then I'll go cunt and then. What if you call somebody's pussy a
dream catcher? Would
you like that? I like that. I like that. But what about a guy splitting the
bill with you? I actually
offer and I've talked about this all the time. I think you should reach. I'm
happy. Yeah, but they get
the purse out, but they're very quick to put it back away. I have paid for
three trips to Thailand.
Oh, wow. Huh? How's the surgery going?
Yeah, I mean, I really appreciate you guys' time. I think, you know, I'm not
afraid to talk to
feminists. I feel less nervous than when I came in here. Jim? I also feel less
nervous.
These women are a lot more supportive than I thought they would be. And when
somebody lets you
share your thoughts and really listens to those, it really makes it a lot
easier for you to hear theirs.
I want to invite you to a feminist art show. It's avant-garde, the performance
artist. It's one
woman shows. Yeah, we will come to it. Um, would you do a set for us? Um, yeah.
Thank you. Look, Jim is a very smart man. Probably one of the six or 7,000 or
30,000,
maybe 5 to 18,000, the smartest man around. And from this experience, he will
develop an educated
perspective because that's what he does with all experiences. And that's what
good comedians do.
Hi. Hi, mom. This is my pussy, my choice. Wow. Weird name for a baby.
My pussy, my pussy, my pussy, my pussy, my pussy, my pussy, my pussy, my pussy
is not a rap song for you to
rap about. It is mine and mine only. It's definitely a unique environment here.
And if you want to be in
less fear of a group like feminists, spend some time with them. Not just a hole.
I queef, I scream,
the history of sadness so that we all can chant together. Not just a hole. Not
just a hole.
You know, I felt honored that they invited us and I was even more surprised at
how accepting they were
of me being able to share my thoughts. Thank you. Can I give you a hug? Yes,
of course. I consent. Okay, there you go. So, no sex. I try to write a poem and
I am pretty nervous,
but I will do my best. My wiener is chill, man. It ain't trying to do no crime.
It ain't even that
hard a lot of the time. And that's true, actually, because a lot of times I'll
get like those wiener
pills from the gas station. You know what I'm talking about? Them real giraffe
makers, you know,
make my legs sweat, actually. My wiener is trill. My wiener is candid. It looks
like Joe Pesci. It's
that wet bandit. But I'm lit to the fact that girls are far more than sex. They
are champions and soldiers
with power in their breasts. They are creative and equal and warm and life
bringing. I love Dolly Parton,
but it's because of her singing. My wiener is chill, man. It ain't trying to do
crime. It ain't even that
hard a lot of the time. My wiener ain't Weinstein. My wiener ain't Cosby,
but sometimes it wishes for a little bit of Vajazby. You feel me?
Hello. This is poems called "Things I Thought of Today."
I'm a man, sort of, and I try to do right, like Rosie O'Donnell taking a small
bite. She's a big girl.
But it's so confusing to know what to think and what to say. If only I wasn't
an atheist, at least I could pray.
Okay. I used women for sex, and some have used me. They seem depressed.
So we're all the same, except you sit when you pee, and you can't spell woman
without men. And there's no
men without woman. So I guess at the end of the day, we're all just pieces of
shit.
Thank you. Poetry.
So I don't dislike feminists.
I don't dislike feminists. I just don't want to hear their poetry.
There were moments that I enjoyed, and there were moments that I had also fear.
But at least we
learned something, you know?
We didn't. I think I learned a little bit during the day with the group. I
think they became more accepting.
You became more accepting. I became more accepting. And then the poetry ruined
it all,
and now I'm back to where I fucking started.
I'll say this. I learned that they laugh at a lot more stuff than I thought
they would.
I didn't think that they would laugh at anything. But I wasn't. I think they,
most of them were seen pretty, I don't even know.
I'm dumber for hearing that sentence.
Yeah. Today was a really good day. I got to take one of my heroes into, you
know,
snatch-ganistan and really see what was going on with some feminists. And in
the end,
I think we both learned some stuff. We learned that some feminists are cool.
It takes a lot of fabric and extra textiles to make one of those vajostums. And
three,
I really like Uber Select. And then I'll tip my driver the same, whether they're
male or female.
Can I have permission to hug?
Yeah, you know, you get a hand.
I'll tip my driver the same way.
Good evening. Good afternoon. And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw. I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life? Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Ah!