Name: Third Place Babies | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #312
Uploaded: 2020-12-12T14:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Third Place Babies | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #312' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Third Place Babies | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #312' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-12. Transcript available.

Third Place Babies | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #312

all right baby you know that um tech tech is the new fossil fuel
think about that
bandwidth is the new oil
so just a light thought just a light thought to get you
just acclimated i guess to whatever or to nothing to nothing man hope you're
having a good day hope
i'm having a good day i mean that's really that's the realest i um i'm out here
in the central east
i did a i did a skiing this past weekend in tahoe
and they just shut it down again there because of the disease
i mean i think you have more you have excuse me you have a better chance of
dang
getting bit by a damn sasquatch than you do dying from this disease but
i don't make the rules
you know i'm just uh i'm just one human
and there's billions so um but yeah we had a nice time out there went out there
did a performance actually for a company
this was called a corporate show
and those can be interesting you show up and you don't know how it's going to
be usually
you perform
somebody complains to the boss
and
and somebody loses their job that's usually what happens when they hire a
comedian
at a corporate show
i mean i did one for charman a couple years ago and there was almost a damn uh
fist fight at it
and
how the hell people's fist fighting
when they supposed to be making toilet tissue
you know that's beyond me but that's
that's on god baby but um
what's that talking about
oh so we did it for this time the company called battle born batteries
battle born batteries and they
i thought at first
you know ari manis
accompanied me there and he said hey we're doing the show is for battle born
and i thought he meant
uh
breach births
you know c-sections baby
and c-sections
let's be honest man
there's a section
uh there's b section and then once you get to c-section bro it's really
damn they'll pull anything out of your stomach at that point it's
a c-section baby's already
you know that's like the remedial reading of children man if you already get in
a c and you haven't even
you know barely even alive
so a lot of times i feel like we should probably do contact tracing on c-section
babies
you know they should tag them like they do uh
you know sometime you'll you'll see a
a rare egret
or a damn uh
cormorant
and it'll show up on your property and uh
have a tagging on
and from far off it looks like a bracelet looks like he went to a nightclub the
night before
you know looks like he might have
spent all night out at the stinking nest with his buddies
or uh you know over at the slippery branch or whatever you know
but it turns out it's a tagging
government comes and they'll put a damn wristband on a uh
on a falcon
you know they'll put a damn stopwatch on a uh
on a jayhawk
so they know what they're doing
i mean that's how when you think about how crazy the government is that's crazy
man
that's pretty crazy but
what was i talking about
yeah so battle born batteries that's the company
and it's just a company
and they do batteries and they do uh
i guess special hardcore batteries
that'll survive anything
a snowstorm
flooding
funeral
you know uh
second coming
i mean jesus could pass through town
and that damn battery will still be working but
uh so anyway we had a good time with that company
and it went well
sometimes
you know when you invite a comedian to an hr issue
it can be a real
you know to a
company it can be a real issue
so
but we had a nice time
and beautiful people over there
this fella sean
and uh
and uh just a great group of guys man
and and women too
guys and women baby
both genders son
so
what else man
oh god
oh
somebody brushed my teeth
i can't even handle that sometimes
oh i'll tell you this
we saw a lady
we were at the casino
in the gift shop
at night
and a lady in there
this is an adult
this is an adult lady
so this ain't no novice
you know
this isn't a first time
into a snack
play
i mean
this lady
she sounded like an alien though
she was talking on
it was like
kind of like a diverse lady
talking on the phone
on face
uh not face time
face time audio
or whatever
you know
uh
and
the person on the other end
is like
what do they have
and she's in this gift shop
and she
named
everything
that they have
she's like
they got uh
they got rollos
they got um
lays
uh
ruffles
um
they got uh
pringles
uh
they got
green pringles
orange pringles
uh
purple pringles
um
they got these
like kind of little
like
like kind of brown
mazes with salt
on them
like these little
like
figure eights
oh pretzels
um
they got neckties
they got clip-on
they got dove
ice cream
they got drumstick
uh
they got butterfinger
they got certs
they got raspberry certs
they got uh
they got five hour energy
they got six hour energy
they got uh
this
and the person like
what do they have
and then she
bro
she would start on a whole new thing
they got t-shirts
they got um
they got welcome to reno
t-shirts
they got uh
they got a neck brace
they got wheat
uh
they got um
playing cards
they got hershey kiss
um
what do they have
they have um
they got uh
what else
they got cinnamon whiskey
they got gin
uh
they got sunglasses
they got um
they got whatchamacallits
uh
they got uh
kahlua
what
what
and then she
every now and then
she was like
let me go ask them
if they have that
let me go ask them
if they have that
and she would go
over to the counter
oh bro
it just didn't make
any sense
man
i mean it literally
made no sense
they got gummy bear
they got smoked
salmons
they got um
coffee
oh
but man
that's humanity
and where would we be
with that
i mean we were dying laughing
i just
it was so hard to be in the store
and watch this lady just do this
just literally on fat
uh they got um
they got milk
they got chocolate milk
they got diet milk
um
they got uh
twizzlers
they got uh
red vines
dear god
speaking of god
thank you guys
uh for being here
and being a part of my life today
and helping me get through this
uh
just life
helped me get through life
you know life uh
it was a surprise to all of us
it really was
uh
today's musical
intro
is by
larry fleet
where i find god
it's a
it's a country song
i think
but it's a
there's something really human about it man
and uh
it'll hit you right in the stair steps
gang brother
come on larry
they got roll lows
the night i hit rock bottom
sitting on an old bar store
he paid my tab and put me in a cab
but he didn't have to
cause he could see i was hurting
come on baby
oh i wish i'd got his name
cause i didn't feel worth saving
but he saved me just the same
come on
come on
hold with me baby
i put my pole down
i'm floating around
come on larry
it was just so quiet
and i could hear my old man
say the sun just be still
come on baby
let's go
can't find peace like this
can't find peace like this
can't find peace like this
and a bottle or a pill
come on
from the bar
from a barstool to that heaven room
sunday morning in a church pew
in a deer stand or a hayfield
an interstate back to nashville
a chevillet with the windows down
me and him
just riding around
sometimes
whether i'm looking for him or not
that's where i find god
come on man
y'all gotta go
get on that right there
that's larry fleet
where i find god
and it is powerful man
when you think about that
where you find god
you know i remember
times in my life
where i found him
you know there's a
when i go to my mother's house
sometimes i like to lay on her bed
and sometimes uh
the sun will just kind of hit her bed
coming in from the window
and
and that
there's just something about that
space and that
that moment that
that little
that time
where i feel
like there's
like you know i feel god then
when i see
when i see
when you see a little baby
when you see a little baby
do something
you know
and not something staged
like they had those two little kids
hugging on the internet
i mean something real
you know
when you see a little baby
hug his parent
or
you know
uh
learn something new
when you see
in his eyes
he's learning something new
you know
i think there's moments like that
where you
you just feel
like that's god
just making another stitch
in the quilt
you know
and that's where he puts his
uh
thread through
and brings it back out
things like that
there's little things
that keep you holding on
you know
when you see your grandmother laugh
you know
when you
when one of your friends
has a child
you know
a close friend
um
i think it's just you know
god is that
he's that soapy water man
he's gonna find his way
through the cracks
and uh
and i love that song man
larry fleet
where i find god
and some people
don't have a god
and that's okay man
um
i i think it's a tough way
to go through life
i've struggled in my life
with my relationship
with the higher power
and uh
and some days
it's stronger than others
and some days
it's not there at all
uh
but um
but man
that song
that song helps me
i don't know
it's some something
you know
music has that power
music has that power
man
to help you do some things
that you can't do
by yourself
and some of those things
are things
that your feelings
want to do
and places
they want to go
and a song
really is just a
you know
it's just a bunch of
sounds that are
a key
and if they're right
man
sometimes it'll unlock you
and it'll unlock you
to love
it'll unlock you
to dance
it'll unlock you
to
some of the shit
will unlock you
to damn
start a fire
you know
or to lift weights
i mean it's just
the
the music
you know
every song
every beat
kind of
it's a different tickle
and some of them
tickle you on the side
and some of them
tickle you in the damn ass
and some of them
just damn tickle you
in the neck
and it's just
you know
it's a
they're all
it's all a different game
but
anyway
good to be here
with you today
man
that's Larry Fleet
where I find God
you can check that out
so
do they have
do they have
God stoppers
they have
unbelievable
what's going on
I'm still looking
for a vehicle
so I've been trying
to do CarMax
and CarMax
is like
it's kind of like
a lost and found
for vehicles
but you gotta pay for them
and
I'm waiting
I really want
a Ford Ranger
like a 2019
maybe
so I'm hopeful
for that
I went and looked
at some houses
the past two days
that was good
went to the doctor
um
dude I went
so
I went to the doctor
right
and
I go into
the doctor's office
and
um
well
I went to the first
black doctor
I've ever been to
and it was just
interesting
and I never
it never
in my head
ever crossed my mind
that
you know
I've seen
black doctors
on television
uh
I've thought
about black doctors
you know
African American
doctors
black doctors
and
but I'd never
been to one
so I go in
and there was
there's just like
there was
it was just
it just came
to my attention
you know
and it doesn't
make me racist
that doesn't
make me wrong
or anything
it just
uh
first I was like
dang
I wonder
because then I thought
that black people
probably have been
going to a lot of
maybe have been
going to a lot
of white doctors
their whole life
I don't know
I mean
when I was
growing up
they didn't
have black
doctors
except for
Cliff Huxtable
you know
Bill Cosby
and he was
uh
you know
he was doing
rapes
so
but that don't
mean nothing
I mean he was
on the show
he wasn't
on the show
he was just
doctoring
this one he was
just still
you know
doing uh
you know
birth
yeah I think
he was a
baby doctor
so he was
you know
this is
that's way
after rape
you know
that's
that's babies
so anyway
I just had
never been to
a black doctor
I just had
never
I'd never
been there
because they
didn't have it
when I was
growing up
and then in
LA a lot
of I guess
yeah I don't
know I've
been to some
Middle Eastern
I've just
never been to
a black doctor
so anyway
and then I
thought man
it must be
wild because
a lot of
black kids
when I was
young
probably had
to grow up
going to
white doctors
and if you
have like a
lot of racial
questions in your
head you go
in there
dude I bet
you're wondering
like is this
white doctor
gonna save
me
you know
it was
definitely
interesting
I started
talking to a
friend of
mine about
it and
they said
well to a
black friend
of mine and
they said
well you know
a lot of
black people
that's why
they like to
go to black
chur